2009

What a year. It started off with promise and hopefulness. Heartbreak, tragedy, sadness followed. Then came a sense of self. A sense of belonging and competitiveness. Accomplishment, pride and faith.

I did the best I could with what I had and I am so proud of myself. When I fell apart, I picked myself back up again and made me better. I finished one path and started another.

It's funny looking back on the past couple years and remembering all the tears and the happiness and the friendships and none of those those seem as sad or happy as I remember feeling then. But I suppose that's how it really goes. All those nights up on a computer hammering out an essay, cramming for an exam or chatting with a heartbroken friend have all been worth it. Every step of the way has been worth it because with out, I wouldn't be where I am today.

The lessons I learned this year are:

• in the end, you can only trust and depend on yourself. I am the only one who is looking out for me and I need to do whatever it takes to make me happy.
• People come and go in my life for different reasons. But each have helped push me to learn more about myself.
• I can do it.
• A dream is achievable with small goals. One step at a time.
• I am most content when I am alone. Does that make me a loaner? Or maybe I just like myself.
• One day I am going to make a fantastic mother, but that day is not today.
• I am able to overcome personal tragedy on my own.
• I am really good at keeping secrets
• Once I make up my mind, there is no stopping me.

2009 has been a challenging year that has pushed me to my limits, but has also shown me what I am able to handle. And after this year, I am confident that I can handle anything.

Bring on 2010!

Will it ever be just me? Is it impossible to be with one person only? Is it an act of selfishness or is it just me? Am I not doing enough to make him happy? Will it ever be just me?

I find it disconcerning when I run into people I know from my past and they appear to be with a wonderful man who treats them right and makes them a priority in their life. Their father treats them like princesses. They have tiffany's around their neck and their wrists, coach bags on their arms and a smile on their face. They have men that will spend a couple hundred dollars on them just to see their face when they open the present... but does money buy happiness?

I always thought money would make things easier. And maybe it does. I'm sure a double income would make life easier as well. But I don't have either of those. So what can I do to make life easier? Be jealous of my best friend who moved into a beautiful condo with her bf today? Be jealous of the Coach bags and tiffany necklaces? Be jealous of the girls that eat out every night? Be jealous of the girls living in their parents condo in Yorkville by themselves? I think that would make me a very bitter person.

So, thats something I constantly fight with. To force a big smile on my face and hug them and listen to them tell me how great their life is. Well guess what, let me tell you how great my life is. I have a two bedroom apartment to myself. I support myself. I have a couple things that I wish I could afford, but I'm not scrambling to make rent every month. I have a great dog who is very loving, and although she is very energetic at times, I wouldn't want it any other way. At least one thing is happy to see me every single day. I have love in my life. It comes in the form of friends and extended family, but I have love. There is food in my belly and a roof over my head and my debts are slowly being paid down. Slowly every month.. but still going down every month. Thats the best I can do.

What a wonderful night. I felt like myself for the first time in a very long time. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was my old roommates, but whatever it was, I am so thankful.

I can't believe how much I missed their company. I could have talked for hours with Tony and I haven't danced with Karen and Leigh like that in years. It made me smile to see Emily so happy with her man and the same goes for Amber. I could see it on both of their faces. Just pure joy. Comfortable, happy, can't live without each other love. I can't believe how everything has changed, yet, when we were all together, it was like nothing ever changed.

I'm having dinner with Trish tomorrow, then dinner with my cousins on Thursday. I'm slowly finding myself again. And it feels great!

Its been 10 days since my last post. Who knew so much could change in 10 days.

I'm sitting here watching Keeping up with the Kardashian's and I'm in tears. Everything seems to get to me lately and I just can't control my emotions anymore. Tonight's episode was Khloe's wedding. Her father passed away when she was young and a major theme of the wedding was honouring her late father. A lot of the speeches revolved around "if Dad was here..." type of thing. Well I can't help but think that my wedding will be the same.

Not because my Dad has died, but because my Dad wants to be demoted to simply a sperm doner. He does not want to know about my life, he wants no details. He doesn't want to see me, nor does he want to even hear about me. So, I was forced to move out of his house a week early, which caused me to move with little help. Five days later and I'm still not unpacked.

It's a difficult thing to go through life having things one way and believing that somebody will be there for you always, and then one day to have them say, I want nothing to do with you. I'm sure this is similar to what women feel when they get divorced. It's like a rug has been pulled out from under my feet and I just have no direction anymore.
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I'm so frustrated with him. He broke plans for a phone conversation so he could hang out, smoke weed and play video games with his friends that he sees every day. I walked to Canadian Tire and back, in the dark, so that I could get a phone to call him on. I got this great phone plan that allows for so many long distance minutes a month that is more than half of what I pay for a similar plan on my cell phone.

I get home, charge the phone up enough to make a call and I get "Hey (cough cough cough) whats up? Just chillin with Dan and Christy (cough cough), ya, (silence....) ya, ok Kelly, bye.

Great conversation. I'm SO GLAD I walked in the dark to Canadian Tire for a 2 minute conversation with somebody who can't even put down the blunt.

Then I get, "Let me call you when they leave shortly". That was at 9:04. It 11:51 and I'm still waiting for that phone call.

Actions speak louder than words- and yours are screaming at me.

You know, I have given you a second, third, fourth and fifth chance. And this time you promised that you would do me right. You promised that you'd be that guy for me. Whatever it took to get me back. You said you realized what you lost and you don't want to lose it ever again. Well... what happened to that????

That lasted a total of 3 weeks. Right now, you're showing me every reason why I made a mistake in taking you back. If you can't be that man, then leave me the fuck alone. I made it so very clear to you that these are my expectations. I asked you one by one if you are able to deliver on those expectations. Your answer was yes. But talk is cheap! You're not delivering on anything!

If I can't depend on you for a simple phone call, how am I supposed to depend on you for anything at all?

I'm realizing what is important in my life. My health, a roof over my head, my career, my dog and my happiness. If you're not making me happy, then why are you in my life? If you are intentionally upsetting me, it's time to move on.

If you can't keep a phone date, something is majorly wrong.

With the big change about to happen in my life I need to become more focused. I now have a career to take charge of and I don't need any distractions. I need to have a balanced life. I can't be on a roller coaster of emotions anymore. I need stability. I need a schedule. I need to be even.

Since my emotions are generally controlled by the people around me, I've been thinking quite a bit about what is going to make me even and this is what I've come up with.

I need a man who is proud of me. I need somebody who shows me off to his friends and his family and makes me feel proud of me too.

I need a man who touches me often to make me feel wanted.

I need a man who supports my decisions, especially with my career. And somebody who takes advantage of the time we can spend together.

I need somebody who makes me feel wanted and needed. There is nothing more special than a surprise delivery of flowers or a knock at the door with a big hug waiting on the other side.

I want somebody who recognizes that I've been really hurt by men in the past and that I have trust issues. If he can't cut out the extra women, especially women he's hurt me with in the past, then he isn't the right guy for me. Girl friends are cool, but its not necessary to continue to talk to a woman he had an emotional affair or a verbal sex fest with on a regular basis.

My guy should want to make me happy and not sad. And he should recognize that there are great things in life that come with being in a relationship. And he should want to be in a relationship.

He should want to explore Toronto with me. If he lives in Toronto then he should be ok with doing the touristy things with me. Even if he's done it before. And if he's not in Toronto, then he should want to come to the city and explore it with me.

He should want to work at our relationship and not be scared of taking it to another level.

He should treat me as his confidante. He should come to me with his fears, accomplishments, trouble etc.

I want a deep connection that two people in love feel. The "I know everything about you and I STILL love you" feeling is incredible. It's amazing to put your heart in somebody elses hands and have them take care of it for you. I'm really good at taking care of hearts.

I just want somebody who wants me more than somebody else.

1. You are not a victim. No matter what happens to you, don't take the pussy route and blame the world for your misfortune. If you were sexually assaulted, verbally abused, etc and lived to tell about it; take your pain and help those who need it. Writing emo poetry isn't going to solve anything.

2. Invest in your education first, your looks second. Anyone can pay a plastic surgeon to look hot, but not everyone can read a book and do simple math.

3. No matter what you call it, having a 'man to take you shopping' is glorified prostitution. He wants you for your body, you want him for his wallet. Cut the crap and call it what it is.

4. Do not seek confidence in other people. Magazines, celebrities and most pop influences are there to make you feel like you're nothing. Don't buy into it. Those celebrities need your money to look fabulous. Invest in yourself, not hype.

5. Stop fueling gossip mongers [Perez Hilton, TMZ.]. They have nothing to talk about and if you follow them for long, neither will you.

6. Be modest; why have all your goods unwrapped and leave nothing for the imagination?

7. Know the difference between fucking and love. There is a major difference and if you don't know it, pick up a book or ask someone who does.

8. Do not have children just because you're lonely or insecure. Your child will end up hating you for it and you won't get the emotional blanket you hoped you'd get.

9. Get a job. Seriously. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean that you are excused from work. Find a trade, get a job. If you are a house wife, be a good one. If you are a career woman, put your heart into what you do.

10. A respectable companion is rarely at a 'bar' or da club'. These places are meat markets and will only set you up for a douchebag or a wimp. If you go, refer to rule 7.

11. Learn to cook. Cooking is a dying skill that needs not be. You'd be surprise how much weight you lose and how you can get a decent companion if you know more than picking up a phone and calling for dinner.

12. Get off your phone. If it's not your best friend, your job or your family, your cackling is not important and the rest of the world does not want to hear it. Listen more. Talk less.

13. Stop using men to get you stuff. Have some self respect and buy your own drinks, meals and entertainment. A date will respect you more if you show them you are not helpless.

14. Perfume and baby powder does not make up for good hygiene. Shower, do your laundry, clean your place. Body odor is not excusable for either genders.

15. If you are a Lesbian, respect yourself and stop trying to find acceptance in the world. 9/10 they will not accept you. Tell them 'fuck you' and be your own woman.

16. If you are a Lesbian, you are not anymore special or important than anyone else. You love other women and you have that right, but do not flex your preference thinking it makes you unique. Your mind and experiences make you unique, either gay or straight.

17. Buy clothes that fit. Be tasteful with your clothing be you big or small.

18. Don't eat for comfort, vomit to make yourself beautiful, and starve yourself to feel loved. Exercise, be sensible with your food choices, don't deprive yourself but never eat too much. The quickest way to a size 30, and to the grave, is past your teeth.

19. If they say the love you, ask them to earn your heart through good deeds, genuine kindness and respect.

20. Romance is not dead; but if you're not willing to give it, don't expect it in return.

21. Stop being a bitch to other women and other people. If you are not happy, go get therapy. No one deserves to be berated because you don't have the guts to berate yourself.

22. Do something new every day. Pole dance to learn about your sensuality, paint to express your creativity, write a blog to express your soul. Evolve and never stop learning.

23. Look in the mirror everyday and smile at what you see.

24. Stay safe. Learn to defend yourself against one or multiple attackers. Jackals do not attack if they see a big stick. If all else fails, run. There is no shame in running if it keeps you safe.

25. Love yourself. Always. When you love yourself to the fullest, the world will open with opportunities

26. Stay positive. The world may seem dark but there will always be another guy, another job, another happy moment. Live for the happy moments.

I can almost see it... that dream I am dreaming. But there's a voice inside my head saying"You'll never reach it."

Every step I'm taking, every move I make feels lost with no direction. My faith is shaking.

But I gotta keep trying. Gotta keep my head held high. There's always gonna be another mountain and I'm always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be a uphill battle -sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.

The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking sometimes might knock me down but I'm not breaking. I may not know it, but these are probably the moments that I'm gonna remember most. Just gotta keep going and I need to be strong and just keep pushing on.

Tomorrow is the day. I have no idea what to expect. I keep racking my brain trying to remember what my doctor said I should do and what I should expect. I'm proud of myself - I only cried once this weekend and luckily he didn't see. I'm trying hard to be strong so that if anything happens, at least one person will be able to say, "she was a strong woman." I just don't want to burden anybody with my problems anymore. I decided tonight that I am going to face this by myself unless somebody asks me to become involved. If I can do this, I can do anything.

I think it's sad that the only place I feel really safe is with him. I sleep better when he is beside me. I feel better in general when I am at his house. It's really sad that I can't feel my best when I am alone. This is something I am trying to work on. It isn't healthy to depend on another person in order to feel your best. Not saying that I intentionally do this, but who doesn't sleep better knowing somebody who is twice your size is laying next to you? Especially when you've lived through a home invasion. It's just a piece of mind I suppose, but that is why I have a dog.

Less focus on man, more focus on dog. Dog has, can and will protect me if the situation arises.

Well, in a matter of 10 minutes I went from being wide awake to my eyes half shut. It is bed time. Sweet dreams.

Another sleepless night.

ugh wtf. Posting last night helped me fall asleep instantly, so here goes again...

I'm getting a tattoo. I've decided what I want and where I want it. I've come to terms with the fact that it will hurt, but life hurts.

I'm sitting here in bed with the lights off wondering when my brain will get a clue and remember that sleep is good! I heard thumping like somebody was storming down the stairs. I turned the light on for a second and listened again- nothing. What the hell is going on. I layed back down again and a couple minutes later I heard it again... thump thump thump thump. I grabbed my cell phone and shined it across my room. There is Miss Lexie sound asleep with her tail wagging. What a cutie. At least somebody around here is having good dreams.

I finished part of a project today that I have been wanting to complete for a very long time. I refinished my side table in an off white colour and put some black decals on the top. I saw a lamp the other day that was similar- so obviously I must go buy it!

I also sanded down and spray painted my dining room chairs. This took me a grand total of eight hours to complete the spray painting. From the primer to the many coats of metallic black car paint- they look awesome now. I also reupholstered the seats in the same off-white colour as I painted the table.

Next I'm debating breaking out the sander again and tackling my kitchen table. I have 3/4 a can of paint left and it might be nice to have a matching set? I guess I'll see how ambitious I am feeling tomorrow.

I've been afraid to write lately. The entire purpose of this blog is for me to remember the ups and downs of my life in the event that something happens to me and I have problems remembering. I also write to express myself in a way that I feel comfortable with. I write to make sense of complicated situations. I write to remind myself of where I came from and how far I've actually come. I write for me. But I don't want to remember this point in time in my life. There is too much wrong- too much negativity.

But I feel like I am restraining myself from speaking my mind and possibly making sense of situations that are bothering me. Maybe if I get all this mumbled junk out of my head, I'll finally be able to sleep again.

I'm scared. Sometimes there are events in your life in which you just have no control over. I've been diagnosed with "pre-cancerous" cells in my cervix which means that I am sick. How sick? Well I don't know, and I won't know until after my appointment on Monday. I'm frustrated with the medical system. The first week of September I went to the doctors for a check up. I had just broken up with a man I didn't trust and I felt that I should get checked out for my own piece of mind. Plus, I had to get my birth control re-prescribed in October. I figured I would go a month early... what was the harm. Well, woman's intuition was correct, I was sick. I was infected with a disease which has the potential to make me infertile. When I got that call I was instantly angry. I was furious. I was angry with myself. I let him do this to me... I wasn't good enough to make him keep his cock in his pants and he's hurt me physically and mentally because of his selfishness.

I was so angry with life but I was thankful that it only took my doctor eight days to get back to me. Wow.. what a relief that I figured this out soon enough. It may not hurt me in the long run. What a relief. I thought the worst of it was behind me.

I was so wrong. Two weeks later, a full three weeks after my initial appointment, my doctor called again. Worse news. Pre-cancer. Wow. That hit me like a brick. I sat down on the floor of my kitchen and tried my best to listen to what my doctor was telling me. I tried to absorb all of the information but I believe I was in shock and I don't know everything that she was trying to tell me. When I answered the phone I had my cell phone in my hand. As I sat on my kitchen floor sobbing, I sent a text message to him asking him to call me. I truly had no other thought in my mind except, I need to tell Tom. He'll make it better.

Two weeks after that moment I got a call from the hospital telling me that I had an appointment with a specialist in two weeks. That makes seven weeks from my initial appointment. What the hell is wrong with this system that it takes seven weeks from initial contact to see a specialist. Why does it take four weeks, a full month, since a woman is told she may have cancer and a larger chance of never have children, before she is seen by another doctor. That is just ludicrous. And it is no wonder woman all over Canada are walking zombies- too stressed out with worry to pay attention to what is going on around her.

I can only wonder how long it is going to take the hospital to get back to me with the test results.



Still no job. Two interviews so far, no luck yet. Things are starting to look up, and it is true that I said it will probably be mid October before I start to get interviews. The whole process was put into perspective for me today. 146 applicants for an entry level position. 16 chosen for a phone interview (which I was chosen for). 4-6 will be chosen for an in person interview. Then one final person will be selected. One out of 146 people. Holy crap. Looks like I have my work cut out for me.



I feel like my life is just one bad Jenga game. Everything is resting on each other and just ready to topple over at any time. BUT if one simple thing falls into place, everything will shift and maybe I won't feel like saying "fuck it" and going to work at Hooters. Just get me that job which will get me the apartment where I can put my clothes and furniture and get my privacy back. My piece of mind, my independence.



My Bumpa is sick. I always counted on him sticking around. He's survived two heart attacks, open heart surgery and an broken heart. I thought he was a goner after my Nannie passed away. I had never seen a man cry for so long and so hard. It broke my heart just looking at him. The sadness in his eyes, the way he looked at her picture, the broken spirit of a man I've only ever known as strong. After it all, he still talks about her like she's still around. I suppose his life hasn't changed much. I still hear him talking to her before he goes to bed at night. He always makes too much food for breakfast. He still goes through the motions. There is just nobody to talk back, nobody to eat that food and nobody to touch him to tell him it will be okay. Through the heartbreak I learned that I want a man who will look like that and feel like he did when I die. As horrible as that sounds, he was only that upset because their 53 years together was full of love, children, grandchildren, vacations and special moments shared between them. I can only hope to be that lucky. I guess I was selfish to want him to be at my wedding. Since I don't believe that is happening anytime soon, his memory will have to do.

At the end of August my family held him a surprise birthday party even though his birthday is in January. It seemed odd but I figured it was because he's usually in Mexico and our family hasn't got together for a long while. I guess somebody else knew more than I did. I got a rare opportunity to sit down with Bumpa's new girlfriend, Helen, to talk about life. I had never met her before, but I had heard all about her for the past two or three years. It just felt right to talk to her. What a wonderful lady. She reminds me of my Nannie so much- so warm and caring. I talked to her like I had known her forever.

That weekend I had found out some very disturbing information about Tom and I was distraught. Helen seemed like the only safe place for me. She was so genuine with her concern. She told me about when her husband died and how it tore her apart. She said she could see how hurt I was just by looking in my eyes. She told me I am a beautiful woman and I deserve to find a good man like my Bumpa is. I miss my Nannie. But I am thankful to have Helen in my life. I just wish I could spend more time with her. I feel like she is somebody I can learn a lot from.

It's not supposed to be this hard. If it's right, it should be easy.

I feel like I'm trying to fit a square peg in a circular hole - it's impossible.

I feel like you don't trust me. I've never done anything to make you think that I have been unfaithful or doing shady things behind your back. I'm not you.

I don't text other guys to meet up, I don't have memberships on dating websites, I don't try to get laid. I'm not you. Stop treating me like I am doing those things. What you don't know about me is that I am a very nervous person. I don't like dating or getting to know other people. I like being comfortable and predictable. I like having a schedule and I don't like new things. I HATE change. I would never do anything to rock the boat. That's just not me.

I'm getting really tired of trying all by myself. I'm pushing you away again. I don't know if you care or even notice. Maybe it's what you want. I don't know. Maybe everything you have done is trying to get me to break up with you. When one doesn't work, you do something worse and worse until I crack. Maybe I should just listen to your actions, not your words.

I'm at my limit with life. I'm breaking down piece by piece. I'm pushing my friends away. I'm beginning to live two lives. I can't do this anymore. I need a cohesive life. I can't lie anymore. It is stressing me out beyond belief.

The following needs to change:

• My current relationship with Tom. Either we're together or we're not.
• Find a job.
• Move out of my parents house.
• Get my health under control.
• Work out a plan to get my mental health under control.
• Start paying down my debt.
• My friendships.
• Get rid of all negative things in my life.

Things that make me happy:

• Crawling into my bed after a long day.
• Things with a little bit of sparkle.
• Big colourful things like hot air balloons or amusement park rides.
• Things that remind me of being a kid.
• Sleeping until my body wakes up.
• A great conversation when I learn things about people that I didn't know already.
• Feeling that I look good.
• Visiting a new place.
• Going exploring.
• Seeing things from a different point of view.
• Running into old friends.
• Knowing that somebody loves me.
• Being able to fall asleep and not worry about life's challenges.

I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm stressed. I'm angry. I have small moments of happiness, but not enough to qualify as happy. I'm on the negative side of life.

Starting today, nobody remains in my life who does not respect and love me. People who constantly bring me down are gone. Everybody is on their last chance. This is it. I'm at the end of my rope. I have negative feelings constantly, and that is not me. This means that I am being negative based on actions of others. If I cut out those actions, the negative should go with it.

Caitlin: STOP!!! You know it hurts me when you say bad things about him. Constantly questioning me is pushing me away from you. I don't tell you everything anymore. I haven't for a very long time. Live your own damn life and leave mine alone. I will make decisions based on what I want. I'm allowed to fall down and pick myself up again. I'm allowed to. That is how I will learn and maybe this is my path. Maybe it's not. But it is MY RIGHT to try and see what happens.

Mom: I'm not your bitch. I live in the hole in the basement, use a grand total of four rooms in this house. And they are all clean. Please stop requiring that your entire house is spotless when you come home. I don't use them. If they are dirty, it is because you, your husband or your child did it. You should have them clean up their mess. Also, NO you don't have to know where I am at every moment of the day. I'm 24 years old. Did your mom know where you were then? NOPE! I'm not a teenager, stop treating me as such.

Tom: Just love me. Do things to make me happy, not sad. Treat me like your equal, not your enemy. I'm here for you, but you aren't letting me. Open yourself up and see what happens. I'm not the enemy. I'm supposed to be your partner. So stop treating me like I'm a child. I'm a big girl, I can handle a couple bad things here and there. Treat me like you want to be treated, with love and respect.

Body: Start cooperating with me.

Betrayal

With every relationship there is bound to be some betrayal. It's just human nature. Everybody is in it for themselves. It goes against everything everybody stands for to hurt themselves. But what if you body is hurting itself? I'm being betrayed by myself. The only person I've learned to trust has now betrayed me. Like I haven't been through enough this year...

Something is happening and I don't know how to stop it. I feel lethargic, my stomach hurts, I'm bleeding non stop, I have headaches, I've stopped losing weight and I'm more emotionally driven than before. I get angry very quickly, I don't listen when I argue, I cry all the time for no reason.... What the hell is going on?

Is it stress? Maybe. I have been through hell and back in the past couple months. I've questioned everything in my life. I have no safe place. No person to confide in. I feel constantly on edge and alone.

I just want stability. I want to be happy again. I want to feel successful and wanted. I want to feel like there is a purpose to me being here.

I'm scared.

Our conversation keeps running through my head... "I don't know how to act in a relationship" "I love you, I'm sorry" "Please Kelly, I love you."

I have no ill will towards you. The hatred is gone. I just feel empty and on the verge of tears at every moment. The question on my mind is... should I give it one more shot? I've put so much time and effort into "us" and I've told you how I want to be treated. I hung in there through everything. I'm not mad you slept with her. You had every right to. I was upset you lied to me about it when I was so upset to begin with. I'm mad that you couldn't respect me enough to say, listen, I slept with somebody else when I thought you were never going to speak to me again. I think I should get tested before we sleep together. Or maybe we should use a condom just in case. You were doing so well these past two weeks, with two exceptions that I don't have to say. I actually felt like you wanted to be with me, and you would do anything to be with me. I've never felt more wanted by you- ever.

BUT... what if this is just a reality for you for the rest of your life? You are just programmed to lie, cheat, steal, whatever. What if that is in your genetic make-up and something that you cannot change in yourself.

I'd be willing to give it another shot if I knew for sure that you would never make me feel this way again. If you never lied to me about big things (work, school, other women, your parents/family, where you are - if I asked of course, your love for me.) If I knew that you were 1,000,000% in this with me, to have me as your partner in crime so to speak. To have me as your lobster. I would take you back in an instant. But I don't know that. And you won't show me that.

You said yesterday that you don't know how to act in a relationship. From my experiences with you, this is what you do and what you need to do to keep your partner happy. Please read these. I am not being malicious, I am simply trying to help you out in the event that you find yourself in another relationship. Hopefully this helps.

What you do:

• You open doors for me, or if you don't, you always put your hand on my lower back to help me through the door. This shows that you cared about me and it shows respect. The touch is also nice.
• You let me, be me. You laughed with me not at me when I made a mistake or when I was singing in the car. You always turned on a song that I knew when we were driving in your car. You took me to the farmers market when I wanted to go and you humoured me when I wanted to see the cows.
• You randomly held my hand when we were driving.
• You layed with me when I needed to be held. You let me cry on your shoulder when I needed it.
• You looked at my work when I needed a second set of eyes.
• You loved my dog.
• You showered with me.
• Once you introduced me to your family, you made an effort to invite me to dinners, bbq's etc.
• When I asked, you had a date night with me.
• You had fun with me.

What you need to do:

• Be more open. Talk to your girl on a daily basis. In person is always best, but if you do find somebody who lives further away, like I did, then call her, or use Skype.
• Communication is the key. Make her feel like she is a part (and important part!!!) of your life. For example, you should have told me Adam left Julie the day you found out. Not two days later in casual conversation. You know how you talk to Alex and tell him the big things first? That's how you should talk to your girlfriend. Tell her the big things first. Even if they don't apply to her. It will make her feel connected to your life, and thus, connected to you.
• Plan a date night all by yourself. It doesn't have to be big, a movie works just fine. It means a lot to know that you cleared your schedule because you wanted to take me out. No friends, no family, just us.
• Treat her the way you want to be treated. If you want to be cheated on, lied to and left broken hearted, then go ahead and do those things to your girl. If you want to be loved, happy and secure, then make your girl feel that way.
• It's all about communication.
• Stop hiding things. I understand you like to keep some things to yourself, but it only hurt our bond in the end. Keep things to yourself that she would have no way of finding out about, OR being upset about if she did find out. Example: keep what you had for dinner to yourself. Tell her you failed a test. See the difference?
• I know you have your pride, but to quote Fabolous "It's okay to lose your pride over someone you love. Don't lose someone you love though over your pride. Stick wit'cha entree and get over your side" - Baby don't Go.
• Everybody makes mistakes. But be honest about them. By admitting your mistakes, the trust between you two will be stronger. Yes, you may fight. But just think of the make-up sex. If you are honest, you can't go wrong. There is no need to make a bad situation worse by lying about it. It is like a double whammy for your girl.
• I know all of your friends sleep around, but follow your heart. If you love somebody, don't sleep with anybody else until that love is gone. It isn't fair to you, the person you are sleeping with or the person you love. Just in case that person comes back to you and gives you another chance. You don't want to give them any reason to leave you again.

I hope this helped maybe a little bit. I know it helped me to get it all out.

I guess the new chapter has officially begun. Up next for me... landing a job and getting my own place.

You told me you loved me... I believed you
You told me you were sorry... I believed you
You told me you would never hurt me again... I believed you
You told me you wanted to protect me... I believed you
You told me you wanted a life with me... I believed you
You told me I was the only one... I believed you
You told me you were a changed man... I believed you

You looked me in the eyes and told me you loved me... my heart melted.
You touched my hands, my arms, my shoulder, my face, my back... I melted
You took your love away from me... I cried
You rubbed my back and whispered in my ears... I leaned closer

My phone vibrates... my heart skips a beat


I'm still hopelessly in love with you and I don't know why. I wish they could make a pill that makes love go away. But then again... why would anybody want it to go away when you have to work so hard to find it in the first place.

Nav was right - I deserve to be alone. I'm worthless
Nick was right - No man will ever take me seriously
Dave was right - I'm a bitch
Tom was right - I'm a fool

I don't understand why I do this to myself. He is bad for me. He is bad for every woman out there. He doesn't respect me or my body, he claims to love me when everybody knows that is not true, he is just everything wrong.

But I can't stop thinking about how good it feels to be with him. I must be crazy. Kelly what the hell are you doing. No matter what I do, my mind always goes back to that place...

I can't believe today's exposures. I can't believe his stupidity. I told him at 9 a.m. I would know... I told him cancer doesn't get prescriptions... I told him he had one last chance to tell me the truth. I told him all of that. He still said, Kelly I promise, it was you and only you. Fucking lying sack of shit.

Think about this for a minute... I wonder how his sister would respond to him knowing what he has just done to me.. and knowing that her husband just left her. I wonder what she would tell him. He had it all and he didn't even know it. But maybe he is addicted to the drama. He said he wanted to tell me when I was happy and with him. WHY???? So that he could watch me cry? So that I could tell him to his face how much I hated him?? SERIOUSLY???? What the fuck is wrong with people!

He said he wanted to spend more time with me but knew it would come to an end. Then why drag it out? Do you not care about me and my feelings at all? Do you not see the psychological damage you have caused me already? Do you WANT to put me in the loony bin? Maybe that's why Jessica went. It all makes sense now.

Wow.. here we go again. Another excited phone call from another friend who is moving in with their boyfriend. All I can say is.. That is so great! I'm so excited for you! And ask them all the questions I hope they will ask me whenever I find a man who wants to live with me as I sit in my parents basement unpacking my things.... Life is funny sometimes.

I've found it difficult to get out of bed today. My first day officially unemployed. I'm a hard worker. I've always had at least one job, sometimes two or three. This is uncharted territory. I think I am a great writer. I think I am an excellent employee. I just need somebody to see that. But how do I stand out in a pile of resumes? There must be something that other people are doing that I just don't know about yet. But what is it? And how long is it going to take me to figure it out?

I cashed my cheque from my internship today. $4000 richer... or $4000 less poor. Only $23,000 left to go before I'm broke. Sweet....

I have so many hopes and dreams but they all seem too far away. For the first time, I'm in this alone. I had my parents supporting me and pushing me to reach my goal of graduating University. I had Tom's support through grad school. Now I'm alone. My parents have cut me off, they have found jobs for my brothers and their girlfriends. They are generously allowing me to stay in their basement for a couple weeks. But the job search is up to me. The apartment search will be up to me. Paying off my debts is completely up to me. Drying my tears is up to me. I'm completely alone for the first time ever.

I kind of feel like I should be going out and partying. I feel like drinking. I feel like doing drugs. Maybe I've given up a little bit.. maybe I just need to numb the pain. I'm becoming depressed again. Anybody want to party?

It makes me happy to hear that you are upset. It means that I actually meant something to you at one point in time. It would hurt way more if you were okay. Hearing you cry confirmed to me that you did love me. It means that I wasn't delusional. I wasn't wasting my time.

I'm happy that you can't look at my picture because it means that you feel guilty. You can't look at my smiling face, knowing that I'm probably crawled up in a ball, all alone, crying so hard I can't breath. Have you ever cried so hard you threw up.. That was a new experience.

I'm happy knowing that you see me in your house because you recognize the effort and love I put into it for you. It means that you will think about me from time to time and maybe smile. It means you won't forget about me. And if you don't forget about me, then you won't make this mistake ever again.

A friend said it perfectly tonight. "Kelly, you know I love you. You are allowed to be upset, in fact, I would be worried if you weren't upset. But you did everything you could to make it work. A relationship takes two people working together to stay together. If one person pulls away, it all falls down. You did what you had to do to keep it together, but you don't have control over his actions. You were a great girlfriend and any man will be happy to have you in their life."

I'm sad that Tom and Kelly have come to an end. But I'm smiling because of all the great times. I'm smiling because I have grown up so much in the past two years. I graduated University, I got accepted and excelled in my post graduate. I got an internship. I've completed my internship and was given an excellent review - the highest she has ever given an intern. I've bought a car. I've lived on my own for the first time in an unfamiliar city, I've taken some chances. But most of all, I allowed myself to fall in love again. And what an amazing feeling that was. I am so proud of myself, and that is something that nobody can take away from me.

Yes, I may be extremely emotionally volatile right now, but that is okay. I put myself out there and that was the chance I took when I became his girlfriend. Nobody can blame me for what I have been through. These past two years have been some of the happiest and the saddest times in my entire life. Right now, I'm trying to focus on the happy times so I remember how much I have changed in such a short period of time. I'm sitting here smiling with tears running down my cheeks. I just wish you loved me half as much as I loved you. Everything would have been different.

I don't know if he will read this anymore, so I'm writing this for me. I want to remember how sensitive I was at one point before my heart turns into steel. I feel sorry for my next man. I have MAJOR trust issues now. If you thought it was bad before... well it's a hell of a lot worse now. But hopefully my $150 an hour shrink will help me deal with that. Fingers crossed that this next chapter in my life will be full of self discovery, self love and maybe a great date or two!

It broke my heart to hear your voice today. God, I miss the person I know you to be. It seems so simple to me, just be that person you know you can be and everything will be alright. But you can't, for whatever reason.

What really confuses me was that you had already moved on. You refused to come see me, you didn't invite me down. You made plans and broke them with me. You didn't make me feel welcome or wanted. You never called. You took hours to respond to my text messages. You were talking with your ex girlfriend and defending her when I tried to talk to you about it. You were trying to find another girl or girls to make you happy. You pushed me away. You had moved on already and I was hanging on by my fingernails.

So why are you so upset now? You didn't want me. You should be happy... you finally got your wish. I'm gone. No more daily messages bothering you. Your weekends are free to drink with your buddies and sleep in. You can speak to whoever you want, whenever you want without worrying about me finding out. You can bring any girl you want back to your house and show it off. You don't have to worry about Lexie's hair getting everywhere. Your house will remain in perfect condition.

So why are you so upset? I don't get it.
_______________________________________________

Every time I hear this song I picture you saying the words to me.

Already Gone. By Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories are haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye.

Even with our fists held high, it never would've worked out right. We were never meant for do or die.

I didn't want us to burn out. I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road someone's gotta go. And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better but I want you to move on so I'm already gone.

Looking at you makes it harder but I know that you'll find another that doesn't always make you want to cry.

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in. Perfect couldn't keep this love alive.

You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go... I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road someones gotta go. And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better but I want you to move on so I'm already gone.

You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong, There's no moving on so I'm already gone.

You need to stop.

I've given you so many chances to tell me the truth, but I usually find out you are lying. YOU set YOURSELF up for failure. YOU set YOURSELF up for heart break. And YOU set ME up to get hurt.

Is this normal? Is every guy like this and every girl hides their man's infidelities and lies from their friends? Do I have to deal with this for the rest of my fucking life? No wonder I am so fucked up.

Do the world a favour and remain single and celibate. You are far beyond repair. You will ALWAYS be this horrible, lying, scum bag of a person. Stop trying to get laid. Stop talking to other women. Stop being a MENTAL TERRORIST.

Mark my words... you will never be happy in a relationship. You are too selfish. You will never know what it feels like to put your heart in somebody else's hands and how wonderful it feels when they take care of it for you.

Good luck to the next woman you are with. She will never be as pretty, smart, driven or understanding as I am.

You fucked up... HUGE.

--The End--

In every relationship, there is a beginning and the end. The end happened on Friday.

At first I was sad, confused, hurt... but I surrounded myself with the people who love me and I became empowered.

I am relieved. Thank God I saw who he really was, a pathological liar, a cheat and a person with no moral compass. Thank God I saw that now instead of later. All the signs were there, but my blinders were on.

I knew something was up- he never came to see me willingly, he hesitated when I asked to visit, he went out with his buddies when I was there... it was all there. And the best part about it, now I'll never make that mistake again!

I never thought I would have this kind of reaction. I'm smiling all the time. I haven't cried with the exception of a minute on Saturday. I haven't been this consistently happy in a very long time.

I'm a bit worried about the next girl he dates because a leopard never changes its spot's. He won't change. The pattern is there, he cheated on Jessica all the time and admitted it, he cheated on me all the time but never admitted it. He lied to everybody. He's never going to change, and you know what - that's okay with me. It is the bad people in the world like him that make the good people in the world, like me, look better.

I am excited about my date on Saturday. I haven't been this excited to see somebody in years.

I guess all in all, there are no tears here, only smiles. The weight is lifted off my chest because I KNOW I did the right thing. There is no more second guessing.

I would wish him the best, but I know he'll never become the best so why waste my wishes?

I regret not seeing this earlier because I could have been very very happy right now. He could be the furthest thing from my mind. But I welcome the pain. It makes me feel alive.

You can't hurt me anymore. I can't say 'have a good life' because I know you won't. So let me say, have the best life you can possibly give yourself.

It feels like someone kicked you in the stomach. Feels like your heart stopped beating. Feels like that dream, you know the one when you are falling and you want so desperately to wake up before you hit the ground but its all out of your control.

I cant trust anything anymore. No one is who they say they are.



My life is changed forever, and the only thing to come out of this whole ugly experience is no one will be able to break my heart like that again.

Only you know the truth. And the truth will set you free.

It always comes out eventually, why not do it now and get it over with.

Like a band-aid you used to say. Just rip and deal with the pain.

Get Out of my Head.

Nothing good can come of this.

I just didn't realize you would bounce back so quickly and try to get another girl into your bed.

Did I really mean that little to you? Just another notch on your brand new bedpost.

Played again...

Its days like today that I wish I was still with you.

I just need somebody to talk to who knows my situation and what I have been going through. I don't want to describe the situation to somebody else. Only you could understand what just happened to me, and why it is such a bad thing.

Wanted: Man
Status: PFT (Permanent Full Time)

Independent female requires an emotionally, psychologically and physically mature male for full time relationship.

The successful candidate will have a minimum of one long-term relationship experience with a maximum of two long-term relationships. Excellent communication skills and listening skills are a requirement for the job, as is the ability to provide financially towards the relationship. The position requires excellent interpersonal skills, the ability to convey complex ideas in clear, simple language and the confidence and maturity to establish the individual as the expert on respect and honesty. The successful candidate will be able to demonstrate a successful track record of friendship and must know the difference between monogamy and cheating.

QUALIFICATIONS
· Current employment in an honourable and reputable job.
· Must have personal and professional goals and the means to attain them.
· Experience working in a similar capacity
· Must be over six foot.
· Broad shoulders considered an asset.
· Must provide own transportation.
· Able to have an argument without yelling or cursing. Also must be able to listen effectively while being able to voice their own opinion in an effective manor.
· Excellent communications skills
· Must enjoy date nights and weekends away.
· Must enjoy spending time with family and have respectful friends.
· Excellent organizational and time management skills

Traveling: 40%

We thank all applicants, however, only those selected for an interview will be contacted. We are an equal opportunity partner.

Sometimes the stupidity of men shock and amaze me.

I met this guy in the summer before I started university. He was friends with my friend Sara's boyfriend Mark. He also lived in Waterloo. We started talking about Waterloo because I was moving there for school in a matter of weeks. He never mentioned a girlfriend, though he did mention that he owned his own house right down the street from the school- walking distance even.

Surprisingly, a week after moving to school I get a call from Mark saying he was coming to Waterloo to party with Cat (the guy I had met) and Dos (his roommate who was also at the bonfire that night). He said I should come. Being new in town, and knowing that this guy had turned on the charm a couple weeks before, I said sure and got their address. I showed up and I was the only girl there. Alright cool, just me and the boys. We ended up drinking on their back deck and heading down to The Wax/The Still for the night. We were retarded drunk. There was seven of us, me and six guys. Retarded drunk. Within an hour, five of us had "disappeared" from the group, only to be found on the side of the road, kicked out of the bar later on, with the exception of one.

When I was kicked out of the bar, the other one person I was with left with me and we went on a search to find the guys. We didn't have to look too far. They were singing on the street corner being the hilarious drunken fools they are. But, we lost Mark.

Ah well, he's a big boy, he'll find his way back. We jumped in a cab and went back to Cat and Dos' house only to find three boxes of Pizza, and Mark passed out in the middle of the living room. Sweet! Food!

Everybody passed out pretty quickly and Cat and I went out to the front porch to talk. Well talking turned into something else. Yep, right there, on the front porch. Classy, I know.

But then he told me I would have to sleep in the living room. I was a bit ticked off, but I was drunk and tired so I said whatever. I was woken up very early and put in a cab and was sent back to my dorm room, just in time to see the entire building out front to receive their refrigerators. Awesome!

So, five years later I get a friend request from somebody named Chris. I don't recognize their name, but we have two friends in common. Mark and Sara. hmm... could it be? No way... oh YES WAY! He found me. But guess what? He's MARRIED... with a kid.

I dig a little deeper, oh yeah, he had a gf when we first met, the same girl he is married to. And after talking with Sara I discover that he owned his house, yes the house I was in, with his girlfriend. EVEN MORE... the reason I couldn't come upstairs to sleep... yeah she was in his bed waiting for him. WOW the nerve of this guy.

Even more.. he proposed a couple weeks after.

I wonder if she knows? Now wouldn't that be interesting.

I guess the moral of the story is, it is okay to be a slutty first year University student, but it's not okay to cheat on your girlfriend. Especially when she is upstairs waiting for you.

Oh, and apparently I make guys get married. Not to me, of course, but to their girlfriends. So ladies, if you want your men to propose, introduce them to me. I'm not the slutty first year anymore but I guess I make them realize what they have at home and will pop the question in a hurry. I guess that's why I am not even close to getting proposed to... not that I want it now anyways.

My mom sent this to me this morning. I feel that it resinates to me more than ever before. I want to remember these tips.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone for everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.."

My Secrets

• I sleep all the time.
• I regret what happened between us and if I could go back 4 years and do it again, I would.
• Sometimes I think about all the men in my past and I am ashamed. I was reckless and searching for love.
• I don't walk my dog nearly as far as I should.
• I say a prayer every night before I go to bed asking for health, family and happiness.
• I hate doing laundry
• Every time I drive down my street and see my garage, I get disappointed when your car isn't there.
• I need the beach. I need to see the sunset on the boardwalk.
• I day dream constantly.
• I always think there is somebody better than me out there.
• I constantly feel like I am being lead on.
• Some of my most favourite memories include crying.
• I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a normal relationship. I am unable to trust men.
• I enjoy silence for small amounts of time. No more than one hour though please.
• I like being busy. It makes me feel wanted and needed.
• I can't stand rude people.
• I feel like I always need to prove myself
• I constantly need reassurance that I am loved and wanted.
• I miss the phone calls, msn messages and random run-ins from my care-free days.
• I miss my grandma and my Nannie so much. I only wish to make an impression on somebody like they did on me.
• I MISS YOU

Life is so funny. Reading back on my old blogs I confessed my undying love for one guy, and a heartbreak over another. But throughout it all, I never remember feeling like this.

I believe everybody comes into your life for a reason. And with every person, you make a decision, either you chose to let them continue to be in your life, or you don't.

Would I be a different person if I never went to the bar that night and ran into Eric again? What if my parents moved to the other side of town and I went to a different high school? Maybe. Would I be a different person if I put a little bit more effort into the various casual relationships I've had throughout the years? What if one turned into a relationship? Would I be a different person? What if I put my heart on the line continuously? Would I be a more closed off, negative person? Who knows..

It's funny how one person can change who you are. It is the experiences, the emotions, the laughter, and the stories. It is what you learn from that person through their wisdom or through life lessons.

I like who I am now. I feel like I have enough experience in a relationship to understand how to make it work. I feel like I've been hurt enough, more than enough, to appreciate something good whenever it comes along. I am not naive. I understand the world. I've lived on my own for five years. I've learned to cook for myself and to take care of myself. I've learned to budget my money and how to spend it wisely.

I've learned that when you find something good, you hold on to it.

What I have yet to learn is how to let go. Maybe this life experience will show me the way to let go. As I said, everything happens for a reason. This is just another lesson to learn.

I don't like change. I like regularity, I like a schedule. I like making plans. I find something comforting in normalcy.

I am a creature of habit.

This personality trait will be great when I'm older and more established. For now, it is my worst enemy. Nothing in my life is solid. Everything is trying to go with the flow. It is the unknown that scares me, and the unknown is all I know. I'm terrified.

Some people thrive on flying by the seat of their pants, some people crash and burn. I'm on fire.

Life is like a stack of domino's, as soon as one thing falls into place, they all fall into place. I just need that initial push aka a job offer. Job offer comes salary, which determines rent, which also depends on location of job. Once rent and location of job is determined then I can find an apartment, organize moving dates and time, find help to move and get my life in order. God Damn somebody give me a push!

I love writing.

I'm not that great at it, but I love it. I love going back through my old blogs and remembering things I had forgotten. I love reliving those moments, happy and painful because it reminds me of everything I have gone through and that I am a stronger person for it.

It is in these stories that I am 100% honest. I write what I am thinking, feeling and questioning. Everything that is jumbled up in my head I write about to try and make sense of it.

Sometimes I write because I know others are reading, sometimes I write just for me. This post is for one special person.

I want to know how long I can go without talking to you. Yes, I thinking about you constantly and sitting down at my desk today and seeing your picture caught me off guard. This is a new feeling for me. One that I haven't had in 6 years. Being alone, and being unsure.

I think I deserve some answers. After everything we've been through, we deserve to be honest with each other at least once. It might hurt, but love comes with pain, and happiness comes with saddness.

Was there anybody else? I feel like there was, and that feeling hasn't gone away.
Why did you treat me like a secondary part of your life?
Are you really trying to make yourself better? Or is this just an easy way out?
Were you just using me?
Do you want to be with me?
Should I hold out hope that we may work out in the future, or should I shut that door?
Will I ever see you again?

I'm finding it very hard to believe that you want to do this to work on yourself. You are a very selfish person and excuses like this, in the past, have been a cover-up of something else. It's not that I don't believe you, but my instinct is telling me to question it based on your past actions.

I am begging you for the 100% honest answers. Please do not tailor the answer for me, just give it to me straight. It might hurt, but it might be the push I need to move on. Right now I'm stuck in limbo and I need a push in one direction or another. Please...

I just let you go.

The tears are still coming down my face but the weight crushing my chest is gone. I just let you go.

I can't help any more. I'm emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.

But I want nothing more than to be curled up next to you.

The brain is a cruel thing. It's telling me "Kelly, stop. You deserve to be treated like a princess. You deserve somebody who wants you." And it's telling me, "You can't be comfortable without him. Man, wouldn't it be nice to be laying in his bed beside him? It's only an hour away....."

These thoughts are taunting me. Will you show up on Thursday? Will you ever show up? Will I ever see you again? Can I live a good and happy life if I'm not with you? Can I live and good and happy life with you? Will you ever be the man I know you are? Will you ever be the man I dream of?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions and it's driving me insane. I tired to talk to you tonight to see where your head was. But that didn't go well. So again, I'm left with no answers, BUT.. I let you go.

We've broken up and made up too many times to count.

If I stop talking to you now, three months from now, will you still want me? A year from now? Will you still be trying to work towards being the man you can be? Or will somebody else come along who says, no it's okay, you are perfect the way you are? And you forget all about me. Have you been putting on an act this whole time and the man you really are is somebody who enjoys the company of multiple ladies and who loves to flirt non-stop? Have I been holding you back from being happy?

I don't even know if you want a life with me. I don't know if you have it in your head that you will try and get me back when you are better. I don't know what you want. I think that is the most frusterating part. If I knew you were not running forward to make yourself better so you can treat me right, then it would be easier to give up all hope and move on.

But I still have hope. This is the most fucked up part. I still have hope.

I guess I'm left with these lyrics from one of my favourite song...

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

Love you forever and ever.. Eye... heart... U

I feel like something inside me has died. I'm completly numb.

I'm foolishly hoping this is all a dream and that I'll wake up happy again. I want it to work. I've tried so damn hard to make it work.

Why can't you just be a good person? What you do, and what you say affects me, negativly and positively because I'm supposed to be your other half. The woman you love. What is so hard to understand about that?

I feel like a failure because it didn't work. I would give anything to make it right again. I just can't picture me, without you.

Wow...




I am in shock.

I never thought you would be so stupid to lie to me knowing that it would end our relationship. Knowing that within a matter of weeks I would know the truth. Why did you waste my time if you knew it was going to end anyways? You wanted it to end.. it was all a lie.

I feel so foolish because I believed that you loved me. I believed that you weren't just using me. I believed that you were trying to build a life with me.

I'm most disappointed in myself because I should have known better. I should have gotten out over a year ago and I would be happy now. No more tears, no more wondering "what if."

I had a dream last night that you showed up. I couldn't decide if I wanted to hug you or slam the door in your face. Either way, I cried. Right now I'm not sure what I want. I want you to show up here, with flowers professing your love for me. I want you to tell me how stupid and childish you were and how much you regret hurting me. I want you to tell me you are willing to spent however long it takes to make it up to me and to actually mean it and follow through with it. But I know that will never happen. 1, because you are too lazy to think about doing something like that. 2, because I'm not sure you regret what you did and maybe it was your way of getting out of something you weren't happy in anymore. And 3, that type of thing only happens in the movies, not to girls like me.

Maybe I have unrealistic expectations. All I want is somebody who I love, who loves me back. Somebody who is going to treat me special and who enjoys being around me as much as I enjoy being around him. I want somebody who WANTS to tell me everything that is going on in their life and who doesn't intentionally deceive and lie to me.

I feel so foolish.

I feel like I've been played. I should have got out a year ago but something told me to stay. I'm cursing myself for allowing him to put me through this again. I've never felt so alone and so out of control.

How could I have trusted him? When he had no respect for my feelings. How could I have been so blind to get weak-kneed every time he promised he was telling the truth and every time he told he me loved me.

I can't believe I almost wasted 2 of the best years of my life on somebody who didn't respect me. Somebody who so willingly hurt me, continuously. I've had enough, cried enough and spent enough hours curled up in a ball wishing the pain to end.

Today I will be sad. I'll give myself today. But tomorrow, I will not let him affect me any more.

Thank you for making me more driven to succeed. Thank you for teaching me the value of honesty. Thank you for all of the wonderful memories, and thank you for the worst moments of my life. I now know that I can survive through it and that I am a stronger person because of it.

I hope that your next girlfriend isn't as smart or observant as I am. I hope that she rolls with the punches and is too high to care about the truth or honesty. I hope that she's just like you, so maybe she will understand better when you lie to her. I hope she doesn't challenge you on the things you say because I could see how frustrating it was for you. I hope that she is everything that would make you happy.

Enjoy the house that I helped you make. I hope that when you look around your house you don't see me in the art work, the rug, coffee table, candles, mirrors, the kitchen table or even know I organized your sock drawer. I hope you only see you in the painting we did and I hope that when you need some help, your friends will step up to the plate like I did. I hope that you don't lay down in bed and smell my pillow and wish that I was there with you. I hope you are okay with what you have done because I don't want us both to regret what has just happened.

I want to be surprised.

I don't feel like I'm important enough for somebody to make a fuss over. Yet I still have these dreams of being ambushed with a weekend away or some extremely personal gift for my birthday that would make people jealous and make me smile every day.

I can't say I want to be surprised because then somebody would feel the need to surprise me. I want to be surprised because somebody waned to see the look on my face when they showed up, or when I walked in the room or anything like that. Surprises are so much better when they come out of nowhere.

I remember that first night. I called you out. You were constantly giving me a hard time about not hanging out, but you canceled our first date because you were "not feeling well" which turns out to mean that you were too lazy.

I was getting ready for bed. I sat down at my computer after a long conversation with a good friend about why I was not happy in my previous relationship with Dave and we discussed exactly what I was looking for. I decided to take a chance. You were ragging on me for not hanging out so I told you that you had 10 min to get over or else your shot was over. To my surprise, you came.

It was so awkward at first. I had never really had a conversation with you in person. The only thing I remember of you at first was you trying to impress me at work by telling me how high/drunk you were. Little did you know, that turned me off even more. I figured I would have you over, then you would realize how different our lives were and you would leave it be.

I turned on a movie and went to bed. You watched the movie and I fell asleep. I was woken up by you spooning me and touching me. I figured I would humor you. I figured you were with many girls, and you were just another guy looking for some pussy. Well, I was right about that one.

I felt your breath on my neck and before I could tell you to stop, it was too late. I rolled over and you rolled on top of me. My heart was beating like crazy. I miss that feeling. You were trying to go slow with me and you were being very sweet. Just laying on top of me kissing me. Not going any further until I wanted to.

I had never felt so small, fragile and innocent than I did with you. I felt like you cared. I don't know if that was your act or if you actually did, but I had never sensed that connection with somebody before that night.

We had sex.. I started to shake and you were so sweet. You told me to flip over so you could rub my back. You layed half on top of me so that I could feel your heart beating. You whispered in my ear that it was okay. You had me at that. I knew I needed to be with you.

You arms were so big and so strong. Like no matter what, I couldn't move, even if I wanted to. I just wish I could go back to that time ever since. To have you seduce me, to hold me like you never want to let me go. To make me feel like I'm the only thing you are thinking about.

But maybe that's the joy of the first time. It's something that can never be recreated. And maybe that is what I have been searching for. But if that is a first time thing, then I'll never find that with him again.

I want a crystal ball which shows me what my future will look for. Am I wasting my time trying to make it work? Should I be going out and meeting new people? Should I be having more first times before I settle down? Just give me a sign. Then maybe I won't feel so alone.

What do the TV shows, Pregnant at 16 and the Bachelorette have in common?



Yes, I am watching them at the same time. And yes, that will never be me. Thankfully, I made it out of my teenage years baby-free. Unlike some of the girls I grew up with, I was lucky- not smart, but lucky. It could have easily been me. Imagine what my life would be like if I was pregnant at 16, 17, 23...? I'd have to move home. I couldn't support myself. I would never have been able to rely or depend on any guy I've dated to take care of me or a child. Wow... living at home.. with my parents.. and a crying child. If I had got pregnant at 16, I would have a six year old right now. Wow..



Hopefully I'll find the person I want to spend my life with before I'm in my 30's and won't have to rely on a show like the Bachelorette to find Love.



I spent yesterday afternoon catching up with some girls I had met years ago. They are Angela's friends, but I've met them through my crazy party days. I was ambushed. The question of the hour was.... How did you find out? How did you find out that our friend was in a relationship with your boyfriend? How did you feel? What did you do? How are you now?



I spent hours fielding questions from three very curious girls wanting to know every inch of the worst moments of my life. I wonder if they will now go to Jenn and tell her how she destroyed my life. I wonder if they will tell her all the pain I'm still suffering through, and I wonder if she will feel better because of it. Lucky her.. she got out before she was in too deep.



I'm trying to put that whole situation behind me. I feel like I know two different people. The person he is with me, and the person who has hurt me. I can't wrap my head around the fact that somebody I love so much and somebody who treats me so good, can easily hurt me so much. It's like, is he even real? What is the real him- because you can't be both. You can't be sweet, loving and caring AND mean, selfish and manipulative. So which one is it? If I knew, this whole process might be a bit easier for me.



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You told me you don't want to speak to me by text unless it is important. And you've proven that you don't want to speak to me on the phone unless we are fighting. Skype has been out of the question for months. So all we have left is e-mails. And that is usually for making arrangements or discussing decorations for his house. So thats what our relationship has come to.. a business relationship. No passion, no caring. During the week anyways.



But maybe this is a good thing. If I'm not talking to him during the week, maybe I'll stop thinking about him all the time. And if he just fades into the background, then maybe I'll know if he's really what I want. Right now, it's all I have. And it has become routine. Maybe I need to break that routine to figure my head out.

I'm so proud of myself. I've been taking major steps to make myself happier. Every day becomes easier. I've vowed to do what I feel is right, whenever I want.

I've also decided to lay off and see who really means the most to me. I want to see if I am missed. I'm done always trying to keep in contact with everybody. Leaving messages, facebook. msn, text, voicemail... I'm always the one to initiate first contact. Lets see what happens when I stop.

I guess this is just a social experiment.

I cried on my way home from work today.

I must have looked silly sitting in stop and go traffic with tears streaming down my face. I felt like the weight of the world was sitting on my chest and I needed to do something to get it out. Crying was the only thing I could think of.

My intentions are always good. I know I'm not as smart or as quick as some other people. And often I become envious when I hear an articulate person speak. I can only wish to be smart enough to put those words together in a sentence and have it actually make sense. That just means I have to work harder. But in times like this, where only the best survive, I have to wonder... am I the best? Or will I be another statistic I read about every morning? In one month, will I be packing up my life, again, and moving to my parents? I guess the next three weeks will give me the answer.

I'm done. I'm done worrying about it. I spent a total of four hours reading job postings and changing my resume and cover letter to reflect what each job is looking for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not done looking, nor am I done thinking positively, I'm just done worrying about it. Whatever is right for Kelly will come along, even if it means spending a couple weeks or months working in my parent's warehouse for rent money.

Whatever will be, will be. C'est la vie.

I also cried because my birthday is coming up. I'm usually happy but this year I'm just curious. My family has intentionally planned another celebration on my birthday and I keep having flashes of that day. I keep seeing everybody in the backyard, and nobody has said happy birthday. I'm left to wonder, am I selfish for wanting some attention on my birthday? Should I just stand aside and go along with the family's plans? Do I even have a right to be upset if that entire day passes and nobody has acknowledged it?

How will my Dad make this day about him? How will he divert the attention from the celebrations, or from me? He managed to ruin my Christmas, it's only natural that he attempt to ruin every joyous celebration for me.

I've spent hours combing through websites trying to find the best deals, the hottest new artists etc. I came to the realization today, why the hell am I spending so much of my time trying to outfit a home that will never be my own? It doesn`t make any sense to me. I spend hours upon hours searching and e-mailing for that perfect table, or the perfect rug, or the perfect art. But that stuff will never be mine. He isn`t ready for that step, and to be honest, I`m not either. I like coming home to a quiet house. I like my clothes smelling like fresh laundry and my candles. I like knowing where everything is and having things that make me happy around me.

I can tell you how the next couple months are going to play out. He`s going to see how great I am and realize how so very close he came to losing me. One of three things will happen, I will get a job in KW, a job in Toronto or be forced to move home to Barrie. If I move to Barrie, that will be the final nail in the coffin. He won`t come visit me, and I will run out of money very quickly. It would only be a matter of time before that falls apart, again.

If I find a job in Toronto, I either chose to live in the GTA and commute in, or I live close to my office, probably downtown. That too will be a nail in the coffin. Downtown is a bitch to get into on a weekday and he`s already complaining about the drivers on the way to my house now, which I think is extremely accessible.

I find a job in KW. This could be great, or this could be horrible. We`ve been apart for almost a year now. We don`t even talk every night. I can only imagine what would happen if we were constantly available to each other. It could be great, but when the time comes when the newness has moved out, his best friend would have been living with his girlfriend for a couple months and I can only predict that that relationship is going to end badly. He will get scared. He will see what some girls are like when they are pushed too far and he will push away from me, like he does every time he gets scared.

So what do I see in the future.. a 25% chance that it will work out alright. That's a pretty dismal number.

I don`t know where his head is at. Sometimes I feel like he`s just riding along until somebody better comes along who might be easier, or new. Sometimes I feel like he only wants to be with me and nobody else. And sometimes I feel like he`s unsure of what is going on.

So I`m stuck trying to figure out if it is worth it to pursue these jobs in KW. Should I risk moving back and having it all fall apart... or should I risk staying in the city and having a 100% chance it will fall apart. I just don`t know.

How to get over cheating.

After much research I've seemed to discovered the key to getting over your lover having an affair. Every website I've read said that you will feel angry, upset and sad. check, check, check. I have those down pat!

There have been a couple major themes that have emerged.

1. If both parties want to work on their relationship, then you must work through the issues of WHY your partner cheated on you to begin with. Talking it through can be painful, but it can also be empowering because it offers the jaded partner control in an uncontrollable situation. Both parties must be brutally honest or else this exercise is pointless.

2. The partner who cheated must be more forthcoming with information in the interm. If you want to gain your partner's trust back, you can't allow him/her to ask questions. Be more open with information than you have ever been. Your partner will feel like you are making a difference to change and to ensure that they can put their trust in you again.

3. Do not lie. Don't lie to yourself. If you cheated because you are unhappy in your relationship, then end it. Don't string along your partner. Do not lie to your partner about anything. They are trying to work past the biggest bombshell in their life and you need to be understanding. You cannot lie about anything- that will only lead to more problems and your infidelity will be brought up again and again. Remember- you are lucky your partner wants to work through this with you. Don't mess it up.

4. Go on Dates. Do the things you did when you first met. Remember why you fell in love with each other to begin with. By recreating that bond, your partner will eventually relax and allow themselves to heal.

5. Most of all- remember you did this to them. Every person is different and your partner might get angry easily, they might become depressed or they might pull away from you. Be patient. They have committed to staying with you. They could have easily left you but they didn't. You've done this to them. You can help them through it. It will only make you stronger in the end.

I need to get the negative out. One self-help website suggested writing everything out. Since I tend to do that anyways, I figured I'd take their suggestions and write all the negative things out, then the neutral followed by the positive. Because you should always end on a positive. So here I go.

Negative

-Weed. It's not that he smokes it, it's that he picks it over me sometimes. He sometimes chooses to get high when I'm with him knowing that the smell makes me sick. He chooses to invite his friends over when I'm there knowing that when they come over, all they do is sit around, smoke weed and play video games. He only has one or two days a week with me, and when he chooses to spend the one evening he gets with me by inviting friends over and smoking weed, he's choosing to ignore me. If I lived closer, it wouldn't be as big of a deal I don't think. Because we would have more opportunities to see each other. But it is so angering to drive in rush hour traffic to go see him, and 10 minutes after I arrive, his buddies show up, or sometimes they are there already. And I know where this night is headed. I would think that he would want to spend the evening with me knowing that I took the time to drive down to see him, knowing that we had plans to see each other. It's not like I ever show up out of the blue. It's always planned. It makes me feel like he's only seeing me to appease me and that he really doesn't want to see me. It makes me feel like weed, video games and his friends are so much more important than I am and that I really am only around to keep him entertained when those three aren't appealing anymore.

- Girls. I don't get it. I love him so much. I was always in contact with him. I always told him how much I loved him. Why would he need to go elsewhere to get that affirmation? Why would he need to create two plenty of fish accounts, spend hours on facebook and msn, when all he had to do was look at me, looking at him to know he was loved and wanted. The one instance that stands out in my mind the most is in the winter when I was visiting, I slept in and he had my laptop in the living room. I came out and I guess when I was sleeping, he was on my laptop, on his facebook, talking to Megan and Ashley about getting together to fuck. I was in his bed, he was looking after my dog and was using my computer... and he didn't feel guilty. It was that day that he first told me I was psycho. But I wasn't. I had every reason to be suspicious and angry. I also had every reason to walk out that door and never look back. It's instances like that, that make me nervous every time I see him on the computer. Because I know he can be so sneaky and it doesn't phase him. He could be in the deepest sex talk of his life and turn to me and say, I love you baby. I think what hurt the most, is that these woman weren't good looking. A lot of them were very overweight and some even had children. They were desprate and I think he took advantage of that. They were looking for somebody to love them, and he was looking for them to want him. They were using him, and he was using them... and I end up heartbroken.

-Distance. The first half of our relationship wasn't much of a relationship at all. It didn't progress normally. I felt like I was always the one pushing it and he couldn't really care less if I stopped talking to him. I felt like I was the only one carrying it and he just went along for the ride. Then I think he started to develop feelings for me. I moved away almost a year into our relationship, but it was more like the first couple months. How can a relationship survive that? I was always suspicious and I had every right to be. He had been unfaithful emotionally, physicially and mentally. I don't want to be the other woman. I want to be THE woman you think about. THE woman you want to talk to. Not a plethora of faceless woman on the internet. The distance made it very difficult because the daily pleasures of being in a relationship were removed. The visits during lunch breaks, or movie nights, or late night sneaks into eachothers bedrooms. Boys/Girls night out ending with being with eachother. Dinners and long talks on the phone. It was all removed. Everything that keeps a relationship strong was suddenly gone. Was it slefish of me to move? Yes. Did I make the right decision? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I don't want to spend every hour of every day with another person.. but I do want to see him more than once a week. My dream- Wake up in the morning beside you. Get ready for work. Kiss you good-bye. Spend the entire day at work. Come home, walk my dog. Have dinner ready on the table for you. You come over, we spend an hour together eating and talking about our days. Maybe one night you bring over a movie to watch, maybe another night you go a friends house to watch the game or go out to the bar and I spend the night curled up in a huge comfy chair and a soft blanket and read a really good book with a glass of wine. I really don't want to spend all this time with you. But I do want some time. The problem with distance is, you don't have the option of returning to your own home every night. To make the trip worth while, you have to spend the night, and the next day. And then you're forced into spending hours upon hours with somebody and that always leads to a fight.

- The lack of communication. I would much rather spend one hour on the phone with him than spend 8 hours texting back and forth. I feel so much more connected to him when I am speaking with him because I know when there are distractions. Texting is an afterthought motion. It gets pushed aside when other things are going on and often questions or conversations end up not being answered for hours. I could say everything I wanted to say to him in 20 minutes, rather than 8 hours.

- Lying. I hate it and it needs to stop. I realize I'm not perfect, but I am no where near as bad as he is. Lying about where you are, what you're doing and who you are with dosn't get you any further ahead. I usually find out and yeah, when you say that I would react in the same way, you're probably right. But why complicate it even more with a lie? And, if I'm going to get upset, should you really be doing what you're doing in the first place?

Neutral

-His friends. They are great, and they are not so great. They are great people. They are there for him in their own ways. They keep him occupied and happy. The majority of them have been very welcoming of me. He spends a lot of time with them so that must account for something. On the flip side, they have no boundaries. I can't count the times I've been laying naked in his bed when one of his friends walks into his house and knocks on his bedroom door. And I can't count how many times he left me in his bed to go smoke with them. It was like I wasn't just dating him, I was dating Tom, Jay, Alex, Steve and Dan all at once. Finding some alone time was like pulling teeth. It was always painful. As well, they would never stop him if he wanted to cheat on me. They would probably high-five him afterwards as well.

- His parents. They don't know what he's done so they think I'm some crazy bitch who flips out at nothing. But I guarantee his Mom could understand me if she knew. His Dad would shake his head and call him an idiot, but I think he would get it too. But he would never tell them. I always felt like they were judging me. I always had to watch what I said, how I dressed, what I did. I don't know why I felt that way. He could show up in an old t-shirt and sweat pants and I'd be wearing jeans and a t-shirt and I'd get the look- Like I looked like a bum or something.

Positive

- There are these rare moments when he forgets everything and acts like a complete goofball with me. It's an honest moment where we just go for it and laugh and laugh and laugh together. Its when we're not trying to impress each other or anybody else. It's dancing in the shower, or at a wedding. It's swinging our hands when we walk. It's rubbing our noses together.

- He knows my secrets. He knows my fears, my dreams, my aspirations. He knows my past. He has these huge shoulders that were amazing to cry into. Those huge hands that made me feel so small and protected. In my most trying times, I remember positive things because of the way he held me when I was upset.

-It's the Tom I knew when I got him away from his friends, when he was sober. It's the dinner at the church, the road trips to weddings, especially the one in Wallaceburg, it's the hotel downtown Toronto and our late night adventure for orange juice and candy. It's the hug I got as soon as the elevator doors closed. It's the kiss good-bye.