Random Thoughts of the day

You know you've lived in Canada too long when you shovel a foot of snow off your 10 foot back porch in your bikini, just to get to your hot tub. Sometimes what I do surprises me!

Touched by an Angel

I believe in Angels. I believe that many people are sent to watch over each and every one of us at some point in our life. I know I have a guardian Angel. There have been two occasions in my life, in which I am lucky to have walked away from. Both are car accidents. The first was when I was in grade 9 coming home from a school dance. The driver of my car lost control and wrapped around a telephone pole. The pole crushed my door and broke my window. Some how my head was saved. I went through the glass and my head hit the pole.
You know, I haven't thought about this in a long time. And since I hit my head, a lot of my memory prior to and after the accident is gone. I think I may have blocked out a lot of it because it was such a traumatic event for me. It happened 7 years ago and I'm still thinking about it. I just remembered that as I was getting in the car, I told my other friend that we were going to get into an accident on the way home. How would I have known this? It is little reasons like this that make me believe in Angels. Not only was I prepared for it, I was saved with no permanent damage.

Angels come in many forms. It is no secret that I don't enjoy Barrie like I used to. That’s not to say that I don't have some good times while I'm here, but it's not the same. I had put this city up on a pedestal and when it fell, it fell hard. There are just some conversations and interactions that remind me that I am alive and that I have control over my attitudes. There are also those conversations which remind me that somebody is always thinking of me. I made a call to a friend this evening, a person whom I value more than I have for any other person. I've been living such a hectic lifestyle recently, this conversation centered me. And I haven't laughed that hard in so long.

So keep your head up, you always have somebody looking out for you. Weather it is from up above, or people standing around; just pay attention.

Christmas Holidays

Working in retail, it's hard not to notice changes between customers and the general attitudes of customers. Some days it seems like every customer is out to trash the store and your constantly following behind a person to pick the clothes they throw on the floor up. Other days it seems like every customer is in a bad mood and is only creating problems. The holidays seem to bring out certian characteristics in people. From my experiences, people are more apt to give warm wishes, and are more understanding if there are lines. I can't even count the amount of times somebody at my register told me they appreciated how hard I was working and some even warned me to slow down or else I'd burn myself out. Little did they know, I'm a seasoned vet when it comes to the Christmas rush! At the same time, I have never seen so many lost men wandering around the store. Every day, probably every hour, I was asked by a man to hold up a sweater or pair of pants to see if it would look nice on his wife/girlfriend/mistress/daughter ect.
I just believe that although everybody is running around trying to finish their lists, the general attitude in the store is a happier one. I think this relates to society in general. Everybody is in a better mood towards the holidays because they have something to look forward to. What happens when the holidays are over?

This theme of kindness, I've noticed in other areas of my life. This holiday break has proven many things to me. Some friendships that were broken are now slowly being repaired. I think that if I was home for any other reason, the initial contact and olive branch would not have been extended. Also, I realized the concept of family. I never would have thought that my family would include those who are not blood related. Everyday that I am "home" I am missing my other home and family even more.

I guess it must be the magic of the holiday season, but although all of this kindness in theory is good, I'd much rather have life return to normal!
With that said, I hope everybody is well, and that your enjoying your family time. On that note, for those who know what is going on, Bob is out of the hospital finally and is at home recouperating. He's spending alot of time sleeping, but he did ask for a cheeseburger the other night so I guess he's feeling better!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

On Procrastination and Boy Toys

Procrastination is everybody’s best and worst friend. It appears as if students can't wait to spend time with procrastination, and although they have work to do, they set the work aside to be with procrastination. We all know that the more a person procrastinates; the potential for a bad mark grows. But we all do it. Just as I am right now. See, I could be studying for my exam in an hour, or maybe for my exam tomorrow morning, but no, I'm sitting here chillin with my best buddy.

I never realized the lengths that a person will go to, to 'hint' to somebody that they are interested. When I was at home a friend from high school came by. Some people would call him my boy toy; I just call him my friend. I felt bad at the end of that encounter because I had the feeling that he wanted something more emotionally from me. But I don't have that kind of emotions for him. He hinted that he likes to have long term commitments, but seriously here; we live in different cities, 2 hours away from each other, we had a chance in high school and I shot you down then, what would make anything different now? Now this guy is amazing with his hands and this is possibly the only reason I'm keeping him around. I feel so bad, but he's making it so easy to get what I want and leave! That doesn’t make me a bad person... does it?

Okay, I have to go write this exam now, and I pray that I pass this course! It’s soooo boring!! lol okay, enough procrastinating, lets get back to the real world!
Good luck on exams everybody!

What I learned in the Past 24 Hours.

No matter how long you've been away from your family, fighting just naturally returns. (Especially with siblings)
The more you get teased by your father, the more he missed you.
You lose your inhibitions when you’re more than an hour away from the person you’re talking to.
You can pretend to do just as much work at home as you can when you’re at school.
My brothers live in a fantasy world.
My father and I act alike when we're drunk.
Barrie is very boring when you have nothing to do.
I love hot tubs.
I tend to write blogs when I'm bored or trying to appear as if I'm doing work.
Pizza is much better when you don't pay for it.
I will resort to watching old CSI reruns and David Letterman and writing blogs to avoid doing work.
I will clean my parent’s kitchen at 4am.
Everybody has to have a say in my life, if I know them or not.
Being Anonymous only lasts for so long... I'm a pretty innovative girl, I already know.
It's hard to let go of a friend, especially when she doesn’t realize why I have to...
Communication between 2 people is tough when a 3rd person is always present.
I will always doubt my abilities around my parents.
It's not a bad thing when my parents don't object to me not moving back home for the summer.
I LOVE diamonds. (I love lamp)
My parents are too good to me.
Taking a walk down memory lane with my brother really isn't the smartest thing to do. Especially when it involves relationships.
Having clean clothes is almost as good as buying new ones!
I'm really not happy... yet.

It's something unpredictable...

Life is unpredictable. Just when I thought I had everything balanced, something gets thrown into the loop to make me fall. And fall hard I have. I was doing just fine dealing with school and family and friend issues, and then you came into my life.

I remember seeing your picture and thinking that you were so good looking, there was no way I'd be able to have a decent conversation with you. The first time we met I don't think you noticed me. After that night you added me to MSN. I still don't think we've had a conversation that goes further than "Hey! How are you?" in person. I get so nervous around you...

MSN is my savior. We started talking and didn't stop for hours. I told you things that I haven't told my closest friends. We haven't had a conversation yet that has lasted less than an hour. I feel so comfortable telling you things... just not when you’re in front of me.

Is it good that whenever I see you, you take my breath away? Is it good that I can't stop smiling whenever I think of you? Is it good that just talking to you made my day?

Sometimes I wish that you would just grab me and kiss me. Take all my worries away from me. Sometimes I wonder if you’re just as nervous as I am... Hopefully some day soon I will know. Until then, I am left to wonder.

Is it Possible?

Is it possible to be extremely happy and extremely sad at the same time?
Is it possible to love somebody and hate them?
Is it possible to be completely content with your life but worry about the future?
Is it possible to reclaim your childhood?
Is it possible to be loved for who you truly are?
Is it possible to have more than one best friend?
Is it possible to appear happy on the outside but be screaming on the inside?
Is it possible to just not care?
Is it possible to keep a long-distance relationship going?
Is it possible to have lots of friends but still feel like you don't belong?
Is it possible to live with somebody and not trust them?
Is it possible to go to Laurier and not be a proud Golden Hawk?
Vanier Baby... Congrats boys!

My Loneliness is Killing me.

Why is it that as soon as the snow falls everybody becomes more reserved, quiet even depressed? I've always wondered this, snowfall for me has always symbolized Christmas, which is happiness and joy. But as I think about it, snow is related to Christmas and New Years Eve, but December and January remind me of snow, ice, darkness, loneliness...
Recently, I've been reminded by my lovely roommates just how lonely I am. For about a week we were all happily single. That week has come and gone and for the most part, everybody has paired up again. Em has that constant blog-flirt with Luis, Ryan has got Trish, and Leigh is back with Jay... And I'm suck here with my memories of what has been. My first Love...

I remember how you used to hold me; how you used to tell me I can do anything I put my mind to. I remember how I trusted you with my deepest secrets and fears and somehow you managed to make them go away. I remember how great we were, and I remember our first date. We went to Jack Astors and we talked the whole time. You held my hand even though the waiter made fun of us. I was cleaning out my room the other day and I came across that note you wrote me on the paper. M + K = TLA... I will never forget that night. I remember that we went to the movies afterwards, but I don't remember what we saw. I just remember being with you.

I remember the first time we kissed. We were at Wonderland in the laser quest. It was a Hollywood kiss. You cornered me away from everybody and you grabbed me and kissed me... then I shot you. What you don't know is that I had to grab onto the wall to stop from falling because you made my knees go weak.

I hate how we live so far apart, and I hate how we can't talk to each other because if we do it will only remind us of how much we miss each other. I hate how I only see you once every 2 years. I hate how I can't stop thinking about you, and I hate that I see your face everywhere. I hate how you're with her when you should be with me. I hate that you will probably never read this, and that you probably will never know how I really feel.

I love that you've seen me grow up and you still love me. I love how even though we don't see each other often, anytime we hug I can feel the magic and it always feels like the first time. I love the intense sexual attraction we have, and I love how I can never stop smiling when I'm around you. I love how great we were... we are.

Don't forget about me, don't give up on me. I wasn't ready then, but I'm ready now. Don't tell me it will never work, but I know it can. Don't give up on me now...

Random Thoughts of the week

I often go through my day without saying one nice thing to anybody. Weather it is because I'm just so caught up in my own life that I don't notice what is going on around me, or because I'm in a cynical mood. For the past couple weeks I've been doing an experiment to see if I can pay attention and say at least one good thing to a person I've just met or to a stranger. This has forced me to become aware of my surroundings and in the end; it has made me feel better about myself. The other day I was in line at Second Cup and I saw this girl was a beautiful jacket on. Regularly I wouldn't say anything, but I stopped her and told her that I loved her jacket and I asked her where she got it. Her reaction to my comment was a huge smile and then she complimented me on my shoes. _____________________________________________
Last night at football practice we were divided into our different groups and we started to learn our specific positions. Right tackle on the OLine What What! That’s right; Princess Kelly is going to tackle big girls! This should get interesting! Our coach was amazing! He went through all the different places we should be standing and had each of us tackle him so he could show us exactly where we should be grabbing and how to move our feet. He had us all line up behind eachother at the beginning and had the other girls watch as each of us tackled him. The girls watching would clap and give each other high-fives when we did it right. What a boost that was, to know that I did it right and that the other girls support me. I was worried when I started this that the other girls would be butch and would actually know the game. The coaches really made it easy to get into the game and to get excited. So thank you to my coaches! You guys are awesome! ___________________________________________
I've been so lax about school work lately, it's actually starting to stress me out because I just don't care! I called my mom this afternoon to tell her about my week and to tell her what is going on this week, and I had a little panic attack because I have so many tests and I didn't really cared about them. She basically said that I chose this life for myself and that if I want I can pull out of school and go work for my parents. Well if that isn't incentive enough to stay in school! I was defiantly more stressed about working for my dad than I was about school. ______________________________________________ "Oh my god he's so cute. He's big and tall and beautiful!"
"wow he sounds so much like your type!"
"Yeah, he's SO cute!"
"I think we established that already"
"Yes but he's so incredibly cute!"
"Oh god Kelly, your crazy"
"ha ha ha, Did I mention that he's cute??"

There is something magical about the first snow fall. Although, by the end of the day I'm pretty fed up with the ice, slush and muck. I find that I can only see the true beauty of snow when I am inside, perferably sitting beside the fire or in the arms of another person. Trying to navigate my way to class was a challenge today because the pathways were covered in snow. People were sliding all over the place and papers were flying everywhere. In retrospect, it was pretty hilarious to see the fashion conscious people falling on their ass because winter boots "just don't go with this outfit". Some people surprised me, I saw some girls outside with their jacked undone or just a zip-up sweater on. I felt like shaking them.

All this snow is making me day dream about getting back out on the slopes. Unfortunatly for me, my day dreams just happen to pop up when I'm in the middle of a lecture. Sorry Morgie!

I find myself sitting at my desk, staring out my huge window at the storm outside thinking about my childhood. When I was younger my brothers and I loved the snow. We were always outside bundled up making a fort out of snow, or building a snow man, making snow angels or just playing around. I remember this one Christmas there was a huge amount of packing snow and for some reason against our fence there was this huge pile. We carved out a hole in this massive pile and that was our fort. The best part about going out in the snow was the hot chocolate that was waiting for us inside.

Roomies be ready, because I get frisky in the snow. This winter will be fill of snowball fights, random snowmen popping up on our front lawn. And I'll try really hard to keep them PG.

Relation to Music

I'm a bit of a music freak. I have my iTunes on shuffle and even if it's on a low volume, it's always on. I can't sleep without my music on. It's just something about scilence that bothers me. I have a very active imagination so if I hear something, I will always make it bigger than what it actually is. So music is my saviour.

Because I'm always listening to something, I tend to relate certian songs to people and from that point on, whenever I hear that song I will think of them. Often, the songs I pick are not always the most popular of that time, or necessarily a song that everybody would know.

"One Hundred days have made me older since the last time I saw your pretty face. A thousand laughs have made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same. But all the miles that seperate, dissapear now when I'm dreaming of your face..."
This song gives me the chills every time I hear it. It reminds me of my first love. We live so far away, but whenever we were together it was electric. I hope I find love like that again.

"Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band. Pretty eyed, pirate smile, she'll marry a music man. Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand"
Instantly I thought of my dancing Queen. Whenever I hear this song I feel a presence with me, like as if we were just chillin on the couch, and I can't help but smile. Friends come from the weirdest places, and you can meet the most amazing people through friends, and often those friends become closer to your heart than you would ever imagine.

"Every memory of walking out the front door, I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for. It's hard to say it, time to say it; Goodbye, goodbye.
We used to listen to the radio and sing along with every song we know. We said someday we'd find out how it feels To sing to more than just the steering wheel. I miss that town, I miss the faces, You can't erase, You can't replace it, I miss it now, I can't believe it. So hard to stay, Too hard to leave it."
Anytime I'm homesick I listen to this song. I'm instantly brought back to Barrie. Actually brought back to watching the sunset on Johnson's beach over the lake. And anybody who has ever been there knows exactly what I'm talking about. Looking across the lake to Barrie, watching the ambulance drive down lakeshore, and seeing the lights slowly come on.

"I can be anything that you want me to be. A punching bag, A piece of string that reminds you not to think. They found the note down in your car. It’s not your fault it gets this hard. Hold your head high, Don’t look down. I’m by your side I won't back down"
Surprisingly this song reminds me of highschool. I was always trying to mold into what I thought a good person would be. I was always that person who you could talk to, but I was also a gossip queen. I have since nixed that trait, and I've concentrated on keeping secrets. I think I'm getting pretty damn good at it!

If I know you, I have a song for you. If your curious enough, ask me. But don't be surprised at my answer. Often it's a chorus or a couple lines or even a melody that capures me. But You'll never know unless you ask.

"Spread your wings and prepare to fly, For you have become a butterfly. Fly abandonedly into the sun. If you should return to me, We truly were ment to be. So spread your wings and fly Butterfly"

Just put it out there.

Soul searching sucks. It requires alot of time and energy, and often all your left with is the memories of the past and the many "what if"'s. My last post, about my old friends, had a waterfall effect. And old friend that I had mentioned sent me an e-mail to tell me that she thinks about me often. And you know what, I think about her alot. Our friendship just kind of stopped one night because of one event, and due to legal issues I was advised not to contact her. And no, it's not what your all thinking, I'm a good girl. I admire her for writing to me, because I know that it probably wasn't easy for her.

This brings me to my insparation for this blog. Why is it so hard to just put things out, to tell people what your thinking or what your feeling? Pain, rejection, fear... the list could go on. I don't have a problem telling somebody I think they are a good friend, or that they look good if they do. What I do have a problem with is telling somebody they look bad, or that I don't think they are a very nice person, or that I like you or that I miss you...

What do you do if you think that you've met the person you want to marry, but somebody is in the way? Do you just step back and hope and pray that this person will soon realize this as well, and risk the chance of fading into the background? Or do you just put it out there, I like you. What if the timing is off? What if, what if, what if...

How about an old friend who has changed for the worst? How are you suppose to deal with that? Do you pretend that things are how they used to be, or do you tell them that you don't like who they have become and move on? What if it was somebody you were really close to? What if it was just an acquaintence you come across and have a coffee with?

See, all of these situations have happened to me in the past, and I didn't know how to deal. I always try to protect myself, to shade myself away from being hurt. I've put myself out there a couple times and ended up with my heart broken. Will these experiences make me a stronger person, or a more closed person? Will I continue to take the backseat and let events play out, or will I go for what I want? I have heard that the only way to get what you want, is to take it!

This whole blogging experience is very similar to Dumbledore's memory pool... and those True Harry Potter fans know what I'm talking about. So let me just put it out there, I like you, I don't like you, I think you look fat, I think you look fabolous, I miss how great we were, I miss how you touched me, I miss our connection, your an amazing friend, I think your a freak. You decide who I'm talking about, because after this whole blog, I'm still not ready to just put it out there, yet.

My Family

Some people consiter themselves to be happy when surrounded by people that love them. This is not just love, but unconditional love. I have found this with my roomies. I know my family loves me because they have to. We were all forced together under the same roof and were told that we had to get along to keep the peace. My Waterloo family is different. We chose to be together. We wanted to live with eachother and the co-operation within the house is much more than in my Barrie house. I find myself wanting to keep the house clean, and helping out with different normal chores like taking out the garbage or cleaning the kitchen.

Every person is different, lets start at the top. LeeAnne is energetic, willing to get involved with different clubs on campus and is always reading something.

Leigh is so smart. She's a wicked dancer and given enough alcohol, will go up to anybody on the dancefloor she finds attractive and entice them to dance with her. And who else would dress up at a football player for halloween with me?? Only you darlin'

Emily is so kind and sweet, and for some unknown reason, she has this ability to read my mind. She's a beautiful dancer and an amazing friend. umm TCBY? Yes I think so!

Ryan is a hilarious drunk. He's so focused with his work, and he has the most incredable blue eyes you've ever seen. He cares about everybody, and he's a heartbreaker without even knowing it. Oh geeze, I think I just grazed your balls!

Tony is the strong but silent type. He's pure muscle baby! He's amazing to cuddle with, or to just sit around watching TV or a movie. He always makes sure everybody has a walk home, even if he has to do it himself. Sundays just aren't right without the couch, football, and Tony.

I'm so thankful I met these people. I didn't know what I was missing until I found it. This year has been amazing, and I know good times are still to come. Perhaps more table dancing, or grilled cheese at 3am, or maybe more run-by humpings? Only time will tell..

Don't make it More Difficult.

Life sucks. I don't know how many times I've heard this, too many to make it a reality. In actual fact, life is amazing. I've met so many people who have touched me in many ways. I've seen some of the most amazing sights of the world, well of North America at least. I've traveled through the mountians of Alberta, and of Montana. I've swam in the Atlantic Ocean, watched the sun set in PEI and watched the sun rise over Manhattan.

I have a family who loves me and life-long friends who would do anything for me. What I do lack, is the ability to keep a best friend. When I was a child I had a great friend, Alana. We did everything together. My family even moved to Barrie because her family did. Though we still keep in touch every so often, it's still not as often as I would like. I miss her. She's on an amazing life path, 3rd year at the University of Guelph. Alana, if you ever read this, I'm so proud of you!

Through Highschool I was close with a bunch of girls, but as highschool goes, something stupid would happen and we would "hate eachother forever". Well, Vickie, Christine, Jeralynn, Kira, Caitlin, Krystalle, Ashley and anyone else I might have missed, I'm sorry. And I don't really "hate you forever"..

At the end of highschool I was really close with Krystal. We were enthralled with our new freedoms. She bought herself a car and we were unstoppable! She started College in Barrie and I had decided to go back to highschool to improve my grades for University. We grew apart. She grew up and I was left behind. It's true that one can only grow when given the ability to do so. We had some amazing times together that one summer. And I'll never forget that roadtrip to Wallaceburg. I miss ya chicka, but I hope your following your dream.

Angela, my darling Angel. This girl is the one I miss the most. We were inseperable the summer before I started University. We tried so hard to stay connected throughout the year, and we did. I came home a couple weekends and for the holidays, and everything would be the same. We would chat about what boys we were seeing, well what boys I was seeing and about her boyfriend. We would go out dancing and just have fun. Then the summer came, and other responsibilities tore us apart. I should have been more understanding, I really should have. Ange, I know we've mended everything.. but I miss how we were, how we would just know what eachother was thinking about and would giggle uncontrollably without saying a word. And who else would cruse around screaming Meatloaf with me? "Some nights you don't cum easy, and some nights you don't cum hard, and some nights you don't cum at all.. and these are the nights that never end!!!" hahaha.. only you would get that!

Brittany, this girl rocked my world. She was so energetic and upbeat regardless of what was going on with her. I met some amazing people through her. She made my summer amazing. We did so much together, she saved my ass with my ball team. I hope I helped her just as much as she helped me. When I started back at school things became difficult. You promise that things won't change, but things do change. Britt, if you ever read this, I'm sorry for the way things have worked out. But I hope your happy now, because I know I am. I finally feel like I belong somewhere. I've worked all my life to get to this point, and now that I'm at it, it just feels right. I'm sorry that you can't be here with me to experience this. But just follow your heart.. I know you can do amazing things if you want to.

I hope everybody I mentioned gets to read this, this is my heart. I've mentioned you all for a reason. I loved every one of you at one point in my life. And unfortunatly I think that most of those points have been closed. I hope you can accept this, and you all know my phone number, just pick up the phone and call. I promise I won't bite.

Sometimes in life you have to just give in and follow the trend. This is one of those times. Yes, I have created my own blog.
I realize that some times you have to write down some things in order for them to make sense to yourself. I hope this blog helps me stay sane, and hopefully, bring some sanity to whomever reads this as well.
First off, some background on myself, so maybe you'll understand some of my points of view. I'm a 20 year old student from Barrie, On. I was not always spoiled as I sometimes am now. I was actually brought up in a fairly poor household. My father was a truck driver and my mother was a college professor/nurse. 12 years ago my parents decided that they were going to start a business after my Dad came across a product in his travels through the states. My parents both quit their jobs to start to build their dream.
This all sounds great, but I have 2 younger brothers, the youngest was not even a year old at the time. My parents poured everything they had into this adventure, their time, money and energy. Most of the time I had to take care of my brothers. I'd like to take credit for the upbringing of my brothers, but I know that would be false. My parents started up the business in our basement so they were always just down the stairs if we needed them. The business continued to be in our basement until I was 15 or 16.
My family had all of the usual family problems, children vs. parents, school and the constant race for attention. I descovered fairly early that the better I did in school, the more praise I recieved. After I entered highschool, good grades were expected of me. My grades started slipping. I realize now that this was my cry out for attention from my parents. As highschool went on, my dreams for University became very apparent, and with this came the conversations about my grades not being up to par. I had to show them I could do it.
Now her I am, 2nd year of University still vying for their attention. They think I've made it. The shower me with money now because we didn't have any growing up. I suppose they are trying to make up for lost time.
So hopefully you all understand where I come from, and that I'm not THAT spoiled... only a little bit!