What do the TV shows, Pregnant at 16 and the Bachelorette have in common?



Yes, I am watching them at the same time. And yes, that will never be me. Thankfully, I made it out of my teenage years baby-free. Unlike some of the girls I grew up with, I was lucky- not smart, but lucky. It could have easily been me. Imagine what my life would be like if I was pregnant at 16, 17, 23...? I'd have to move home. I couldn't support myself. I would never have been able to rely or depend on any guy I've dated to take care of me or a child. Wow... living at home.. with my parents.. and a crying child. If I had got pregnant at 16, I would have a six year old right now. Wow..



Hopefully I'll find the person I want to spend my life with before I'm in my 30's and won't have to rely on a show like the Bachelorette to find Love.



I spent yesterday afternoon catching up with some girls I had met years ago. They are Angela's friends, but I've met them through my crazy party days. I was ambushed. The question of the hour was.... How did you find out? How did you find out that our friend was in a relationship with your boyfriend? How did you feel? What did you do? How are you now?



I spent hours fielding questions from three very curious girls wanting to know every inch of the worst moments of my life. I wonder if they will now go to Jenn and tell her how she destroyed my life. I wonder if they will tell her all the pain I'm still suffering through, and I wonder if she will feel better because of it. Lucky her.. she got out before she was in too deep.



I'm trying to put that whole situation behind me. I feel like I know two different people. The person he is with me, and the person who has hurt me. I can't wrap my head around the fact that somebody I love so much and somebody who treats me so good, can easily hurt me so much. It's like, is he even real? What is the real him- because you can't be both. You can't be sweet, loving and caring AND mean, selfish and manipulative. So which one is it? If I knew, this whole process might be a bit easier for me.



-------------------------------------------------------------



You told me you don't want to speak to me by text unless it is important. And you've proven that you don't want to speak to me on the phone unless we are fighting. Skype has been out of the question for months. So all we have left is e-mails. And that is usually for making arrangements or discussing decorations for his house. So thats what our relationship has come to.. a business relationship. No passion, no caring. During the week anyways.



But maybe this is a good thing. If I'm not talking to him during the week, maybe I'll stop thinking about him all the time. And if he just fades into the background, then maybe I'll know if he's really what I want. Right now, it's all I have. And it has become routine. Maybe I need to break that routine to figure my head out.

I'm so proud of myself. I've been taking major steps to make myself happier. Every day becomes easier. I've vowed to do what I feel is right, whenever I want.

I've also decided to lay off and see who really means the most to me. I want to see if I am missed. I'm done always trying to keep in contact with everybody. Leaving messages, facebook. msn, text, voicemail... I'm always the one to initiate first contact. Lets see what happens when I stop.

I guess this is just a social experiment.

I cried on my way home from work today.

I must have looked silly sitting in stop and go traffic with tears streaming down my face. I felt like the weight of the world was sitting on my chest and I needed to do something to get it out. Crying was the only thing I could think of.

My intentions are always good. I know I'm not as smart or as quick as some other people. And often I become envious when I hear an articulate person speak. I can only wish to be smart enough to put those words together in a sentence and have it actually make sense. That just means I have to work harder. But in times like this, where only the best survive, I have to wonder... am I the best? Or will I be another statistic I read about every morning? In one month, will I be packing up my life, again, and moving to my parents? I guess the next three weeks will give me the answer.

I'm done. I'm done worrying about it. I spent a total of four hours reading job postings and changing my resume and cover letter to reflect what each job is looking for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not done looking, nor am I done thinking positively, I'm just done worrying about it. Whatever is right for Kelly will come along, even if it means spending a couple weeks or months working in my parent's warehouse for rent money.

Whatever will be, will be. C'est la vie.

I also cried because my birthday is coming up. I'm usually happy but this year I'm just curious. My family has intentionally planned another celebration on my birthday and I keep having flashes of that day. I keep seeing everybody in the backyard, and nobody has said happy birthday. I'm left to wonder, am I selfish for wanting some attention on my birthday? Should I just stand aside and go along with the family's plans? Do I even have a right to be upset if that entire day passes and nobody has acknowledged it?

How will my Dad make this day about him? How will he divert the attention from the celebrations, or from me? He managed to ruin my Christmas, it's only natural that he attempt to ruin every joyous celebration for me.

I've spent hours combing through websites trying to find the best deals, the hottest new artists etc. I came to the realization today, why the hell am I spending so much of my time trying to outfit a home that will never be my own? It doesn`t make any sense to me. I spend hours upon hours searching and e-mailing for that perfect table, or the perfect rug, or the perfect art. But that stuff will never be mine. He isn`t ready for that step, and to be honest, I`m not either. I like coming home to a quiet house. I like my clothes smelling like fresh laundry and my candles. I like knowing where everything is and having things that make me happy around me.

I can tell you how the next couple months are going to play out. He`s going to see how great I am and realize how so very close he came to losing me. One of three things will happen, I will get a job in KW, a job in Toronto or be forced to move home to Barrie. If I move to Barrie, that will be the final nail in the coffin. He won`t come visit me, and I will run out of money very quickly. It would only be a matter of time before that falls apart, again.

If I find a job in Toronto, I either chose to live in the GTA and commute in, or I live close to my office, probably downtown. That too will be a nail in the coffin. Downtown is a bitch to get into on a weekday and he`s already complaining about the drivers on the way to my house now, which I think is extremely accessible.

I find a job in KW. This could be great, or this could be horrible. We`ve been apart for almost a year now. We don`t even talk every night. I can only imagine what would happen if we were constantly available to each other. It could be great, but when the time comes when the newness has moved out, his best friend would have been living with his girlfriend for a couple months and I can only predict that that relationship is going to end badly. He will get scared. He will see what some girls are like when they are pushed too far and he will push away from me, like he does every time he gets scared.

So what do I see in the future.. a 25% chance that it will work out alright. That's a pretty dismal number.

I don`t know where his head is at. Sometimes I feel like he`s just riding along until somebody better comes along who might be easier, or new. Sometimes I feel like he only wants to be with me and nobody else. And sometimes I feel like he`s unsure of what is going on.

So I`m stuck trying to figure out if it is worth it to pursue these jobs in KW. Should I risk moving back and having it all fall apart... or should I risk staying in the city and having a 100% chance it will fall apart. I just don`t know.

How to get over cheating.

After much research I've seemed to discovered the key to getting over your lover having an affair. Every website I've read said that you will feel angry, upset and sad. check, check, check. I have those down pat!

There have been a couple major themes that have emerged.

1. If both parties want to work on their relationship, then you must work through the issues of WHY your partner cheated on you to begin with. Talking it through can be painful, but it can also be empowering because it offers the jaded partner control in an uncontrollable situation. Both parties must be brutally honest or else this exercise is pointless.

2. The partner who cheated must be more forthcoming with information in the interm. If you want to gain your partner's trust back, you can't allow him/her to ask questions. Be more open with information than you have ever been. Your partner will feel like you are making a difference to change and to ensure that they can put their trust in you again.

3. Do not lie. Don't lie to yourself. If you cheated because you are unhappy in your relationship, then end it. Don't string along your partner. Do not lie to your partner about anything. They are trying to work past the biggest bombshell in their life and you need to be understanding. You cannot lie about anything- that will only lead to more problems and your infidelity will be brought up again and again. Remember- you are lucky your partner wants to work through this with you. Don't mess it up.

4. Go on Dates. Do the things you did when you first met. Remember why you fell in love with each other to begin with. By recreating that bond, your partner will eventually relax and allow themselves to heal.

5. Most of all- remember you did this to them. Every person is different and your partner might get angry easily, they might become depressed or they might pull away from you. Be patient. They have committed to staying with you. They could have easily left you but they didn't. You've done this to them. You can help them through it. It will only make you stronger in the end.

I need to get the negative out. One self-help website suggested writing everything out. Since I tend to do that anyways, I figured I'd take their suggestions and write all the negative things out, then the neutral followed by the positive. Because you should always end on a positive. So here I go.

Negative

-Weed. It's not that he smokes it, it's that he picks it over me sometimes. He sometimes chooses to get high when I'm with him knowing that the smell makes me sick. He chooses to invite his friends over when I'm there knowing that when they come over, all they do is sit around, smoke weed and play video games. He only has one or two days a week with me, and when he chooses to spend the one evening he gets with me by inviting friends over and smoking weed, he's choosing to ignore me. If I lived closer, it wouldn't be as big of a deal I don't think. Because we would have more opportunities to see each other. But it is so angering to drive in rush hour traffic to go see him, and 10 minutes after I arrive, his buddies show up, or sometimes they are there already. And I know where this night is headed. I would think that he would want to spend the evening with me knowing that I took the time to drive down to see him, knowing that we had plans to see each other. It's not like I ever show up out of the blue. It's always planned. It makes me feel like he's only seeing me to appease me and that he really doesn't want to see me. It makes me feel like weed, video games and his friends are so much more important than I am and that I really am only around to keep him entertained when those three aren't appealing anymore.

- Girls. I don't get it. I love him so much. I was always in contact with him. I always told him how much I loved him. Why would he need to go elsewhere to get that affirmation? Why would he need to create two plenty of fish accounts, spend hours on facebook and msn, when all he had to do was look at me, looking at him to know he was loved and wanted. The one instance that stands out in my mind the most is in the winter when I was visiting, I slept in and he had my laptop in the living room. I came out and I guess when I was sleeping, he was on my laptop, on his facebook, talking to Megan and Ashley about getting together to fuck. I was in his bed, he was looking after my dog and was using my computer... and he didn't feel guilty. It was that day that he first told me I was psycho. But I wasn't. I had every reason to be suspicious and angry. I also had every reason to walk out that door and never look back. It's instances like that, that make me nervous every time I see him on the computer. Because I know he can be so sneaky and it doesn't phase him. He could be in the deepest sex talk of his life and turn to me and say, I love you baby. I think what hurt the most, is that these woman weren't good looking. A lot of them were very overweight and some even had children. They were desprate and I think he took advantage of that. They were looking for somebody to love them, and he was looking for them to want him. They were using him, and he was using them... and I end up heartbroken.

-Distance. The first half of our relationship wasn't much of a relationship at all. It didn't progress normally. I felt like I was always the one pushing it and he couldn't really care less if I stopped talking to him. I felt like I was the only one carrying it and he just went along for the ride. Then I think he started to develop feelings for me. I moved away almost a year into our relationship, but it was more like the first couple months. How can a relationship survive that? I was always suspicious and I had every right to be. He had been unfaithful emotionally, physicially and mentally. I don't want to be the other woman. I want to be THE woman you think about. THE woman you want to talk to. Not a plethora of faceless woman on the internet. The distance made it very difficult because the daily pleasures of being in a relationship were removed. The visits during lunch breaks, or movie nights, or late night sneaks into eachothers bedrooms. Boys/Girls night out ending with being with eachother. Dinners and long talks on the phone. It was all removed. Everything that keeps a relationship strong was suddenly gone. Was it slefish of me to move? Yes. Did I make the right decision? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I don't want to spend every hour of every day with another person.. but I do want to see him more than once a week. My dream- Wake up in the morning beside you. Get ready for work. Kiss you good-bye. Spend the entire day at work. Come home, walk my dog. Have dinner ready on the table for you. You come over, we spend an hour together eating and talking about our days. Maybe one night you bring over a movie to watch, maybe another night you go a friends house to watch the game or go out to the bar and I spend the night curled up in a huge comfy chair and a soft blanket and read a really good book with a glass of wine. I really don't want to spend all this time with you. But I do want some time. The problem with distance is, you don't have the option of returning to your own home every night. To make the trip worth while, you have to spend the night, and the next day. And then you're forced into spending hours upon hours with somebody and that always leads to a fight.

- The lack of communication. I would much rather spend one hour on the phone with him than spend 8 hours texting back and forth. I feel so much more connected to him when I am speaking with him because I know when there are distractions. Texting is an afterthought motion. It gets pushed aside when other things are going on and often questions or conversations end up not being answered for hours. I could say everything I wanted to say to him in 20 minutes, rather than 8 hours.

- Lying. I hate it and it needs to stop. I realize I'm not perfect, but I am no where near as bad as he is. Lying about where you are, what you're doing and who you are with dosn't get you any further ahead. I usually find out and yeah, when you say that I would react in the same way, you're probably right. But why complicate it even more with a lie? And, if I'm going to get upset, should you really be doing what you're doing in the first place?

Neutral

-His friends. They are great, and they are not so great. They are great people. They are there for him in their own ways. They keep him occupied and happy. The majority of them have been very welcoming of me. He spends a lot of time with them so that must account for something. On the flip side, they have no boundaries. I can't count the times I've been laying naked in his bed when one of his friends walks into his house and knocks on his bedroom door. And I can't count how many times he left me in his bed to go smoke with them. It was like I wasn't just dating him, I was dating Tom, Jay, Alex, Steve and Dan all at once. Finding some alone time was like pulling teeth. It was always painful. As well, they would never stop him if he wanted to cheat on me. They would probably high-five him afterwards as well.

- His parents. They don't know what he's done so they think I'm some crazy bitch who flips out at nothing. But I guarantee his Mom could understand me if she knew. His Dad would shake his head and call him an idiot, but I think he would get it too. But he would never tell them. I always felt like they were judging me. I always had to watch what I said, how I dressed, what I did. I don't know why I felt that way. He could show up in an old t-shirt and sweat pants and I'd be wearing jeans and a t-shirt and I'd get the look- Like I looked like a bum or something.

Positive

- There are these rare moments when he forgets everything and acts like a complete goofball with me. It's an honest moment where we just go for it and laugh and laugh and laugh together. Its when we're not trying to impress each other or anybody else. It's dancing in the shower, or at a wedding. It's swinging our hands when we walk. It's rubbing our noses together.

- He knows my secrets. He knows my fears, my dreams, my aspirations. He knows my past. He has these huge shoulders that were amazing to cry into. Those huge hands that made me feel so small and protected. In my most trying times, I remember positive things because of the way he held me when I was upset.

-It's the Tom I knew when I got him away from his friends, when he was sober. It's the dinner at the church, the road trips to weddings, especially the one in Wallaceburg, it's the hotel downtown Toronto and our late night adventure for orange juice and candy. It's the hug I got as soon as the elevator doors closed. It's the kiss good-bye.

I came home to a little surprise. A little creme envelope with my name on it waiting by my door. I recognized that handwriting. I ripped it open and started to read.

Hi Sunshine,

Was sitting here thinking about you today and just wanted to let you know how special you are! Dad and I counted each day awaiting your arrival and talked of many dreams for you. You have matched and exceeded all of our expectations. You are smart, beautiful, empathetic and kind. I know that God has great plans for you. The yellow brick road is right in front of you... one step at a time.

Love you always- you know that we are here for you!

Love, Mom and Dad.

Mom always knows what to say to make me feel better. And surprisingly, she always knows just the right time.

After my experience with the psychic, I was visibly shaken. My Mom heard what she had to say to me and Mom knew who she was talking about.

After I read this I reached for my phone to call you to tell you about the wonderful card I got and how much better I feel. I stopped, put the phone down and grabbed my computer instead.

I'm an open person. I want everybody to know about every great thing that happens to me. But I can't do that with you anymore. I know you read this once in a while, so maybe this is my way of staying connected to you, without actually calling you. I think that is a great way. I can get out what I want to say, and I know eventually, sooner or later, you will read it and understand. This gives me my freedom as well. I'm not used to it and I can feel my mind fighting me.

Just grab the phone Kelly... just do it.

I can do this. I'm going to try and treat this like a game. Right now, I can't go a minute without you passing through my mind. But lets see if I can get to two minutes. Eventually an hour, maybe two? Then a day. It will get easier.... I'm counting on it.

In the meantime, at least one person is thinking about me :)

I need to be mad at all of you for a little while.



I need to yell and scream and cry and get out every negative thought that has been bundled up inside me for the past 9 years.




They all cheated:
Nav - ex gf

Nick - best friend for our entire relationship

Rod - my friend

Matt - Random girl from the bar

Eric - ex gf

Dave - ex gf

Tom - ex gf's best friend among other things.



Every single one of them.



It is very unfortunate that men feel the need to cheat. I've heard that once they fall in love, the need goes away. But us females, we need to work through the cheating and the lies in order to get to the love. It's a catch 22.



I need to make you love me so you will stop cheating on me. I find out you cheat and it rips me up inside. But I still need to make you love me so I move on more quickly than I should have. And now look where I'm at. Single, alone, miserable.



If I had said, Fuck You when I heard her name, and taken my time to deal with it last March, then I would be 100% fine right now. I would probably have another boyfriend who lives in Toronto and be living a happy life. I wouldn't have all these negative memories and I wouldn't be aware that a man can be so cruel. I wouldn't know what Plenty of Fish is, I wouldn't know how easily facebook chat can turn into a porn site. I wouldn't know half of the ways men cheat. Instead, I chose to wave it off and bottle it in.



Looking at that list above, I see a trend. It is obvious that ex gf's cannot be trusted. They pull on the heartstrings and remind the men of all of the great times they had together. It's not cheating if you already slept together, right? WRONG.



So, what have I learned in this post? I'm choosing the wrong men. If each and every one of them can so freely sleep with, and have a relationship with other women, then they are so wrong for me.



From this point forward, my man must:

-Treat me with respect, which includes staying away from situations where they might be tempted to cheat.

- Be honest with me. Tell me what is going on in their lives and leave no room for suspicion. Tell me if a situation happened that I might find out about and tell me your side first, before I find out somebody else's side. Nobody is perfect- but it is communication that saves relationships.

- Live close to me. I'm not doing the long distance thing. It's too stressful and I miss out of every day relationship stuff. A relationship is so different when you can have dinner together and talk about your day, and then each go on your way to hang out with friends or get a good nights sleep opposed to being by yourself and hoping for a text message here or there, or if you're lucky, a phone call.

- Love my dog. He should want to take her for a walk or watch her for a night. She's as much a part of me as I am.

- Love my family. He should want to spend time with them. And in turn, my family should love him.

- Be close to his parents. You can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother. If he shows her respect, honestly and loyalty, then he's going to show that to me as well.

- Have goals. He should be going somewhere with his life. He should know where he wants to be in 5, 10, 15 years and should have a plan on how to get there.

- Love my neurotic friends. They love me, and that's all that matters.

- Be supportive of me, and be interested in my career.

I'm making changes in my life. And although I feel like a small child all alone, every moment I can feel me getting stronger. It's the 10 pounds and the 16 inches I've lost in the past two weeks. It's applying for jobs every day. It's being strong enough to say no, not any more.

None of you can hurt me anymore. I've said enough. And to my next boyfriend: Please don't underestimate me. I will not- WILL NOT- deal with cheating, lying or disrespect. I will walk away from you and not look back. I've been burned seven times. I think that's enough for one life time.

Last night was the slap in the face I needed.

It wasn't the unlimited desserts being passed around, or the booze, or the 150 women on a boat at sunset. It was the psychic.

I sat down with her and she smiled at me and looked at me funny. She handed me a deck of Tarot cards and asked me to think of one question that she can answer in a 'yes' or 'no' and to shuffle the cards. I was debating between two questions- one, will I find a successful job for September. And the next- Did I do the right thing with him. I finally decided on the career question.

I hand her the cards and she does her thing with them and turns up three cards. I have no idea what they mean but she begins to study them. She suddenly snaps her head up and says "you asked me two questions. The answer to both questions is no, not yet." She begin to describe me to a T. She said I focus on the past and it's affecting my future. I tend to dwell on the negative and ignore the positive. She said something that shook me so hard. "You cannot be happy unless you let go of the past." One I let go of the past and the negativity, then positive things will flow into my life. But that can only happen once I rid myself of the negative. She said I'm on a path, but I must work hard to stay on that path. My destiny is easily changed. She said that I need to put more work into both things for either of them to work out the way I would like them to. She said I need to work on me and figure out what really makes me happy and follow that.

She told me that I have a guide that watches over me. She was the first to go and that she sees an 'N' and a 'S'. It's nice to know that Nannie is looking over me and helping to keep me safe.

I guess what this means is that I have some work to do.

I have to figure out what makes me really happy. I believe this is a warning about PR. I'm two months in an I'm shaking already. These past two weeks have been brutal- but I feel like this is real.

I have to decide if he makes me happy. I need to forget about his wants and needs for a minute and really figure out if he makes me happy. If the answer is no, then I know what I have to do. If the answer is yes, then I need to factor in his wants and needs and see if they are compatible with mine. Once that is done, I need to ask him if he wants me. If his answer is no, then everything happens for a reason and I need to accept that. I feel like I have been doing this backwards for a while and I need to make it right.

I've decided already that I'm done being paranoid. If you are going to cheat on me, go for it. That is not a reflection on me, it is a reflection on you. I'd rather you do it now, so I can figure out what kind of person you really are. I do not want to be with somebody who has no moral compass. I will not cheat. Period. My life is stressful enough, I cannot deal with more stress added on by my own will. I cannot deal with the guilt, and anybody who knows me well knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't hide something like that anymore. Life is too short to deceive the person you love.

If you want to lie to me, go for it. I will find out eventually and all hell will break loose. I cannot be with somebody I cannot trust. And I cannot trust you if you lie to me. -- you know whats worse? Lying to me about girls. The reason people lie is so that the other person doesn't find out. If you are hiding girls, then that equals BIG problems. You cannot be with me if you lie to me, especially about other girls.

If you don't want to see me for a week or two weeks, then fine, don't bother spending the time and money to come see me- or please do not ask me to come down and ignore me. Money is very tight and I could have used that $20 for food instead of not eating all week. I'll know that you aren't that into me and if you can bear to spend that much time apart, then it's not right at all. I want to come home to you every night and I want to wake up beside you every morning. I know that's what I want. And I know how I feel. If you want less than that, then you feel less than I do. I deserve somebody who loves me as much as I love them.

I am a strong and beautiful woman. I deserve somebody who is going to treat me right, who loves me and wants to be with me. I'm done being in the grey zone. Make your choice. Be with me, all of me and only me, or go on your way. I'm not playing this game anymore. The game is making me miserable.

The memories will stay with me forever. They will fade, and one day you will become a great love story I tell my children.

I can't sit here and pretend like I'm not falling apart. I'm ripping at the seams. But I know that I have to do this in order to be put together again. Our conversations keep playing in my head like an old record. Flashes of being happy invade my thoughts and make the tears come faster.

He wasn't the person I thought he was. For a short time, he was that person. But I could see it on his face that he was unhappy. I could always tell when something was going wrong in his life because he would try to push me away. Every time he stopped going to classes, stopped writing tests or had been with another girls, he would become a recluse and shut himself off. I would get angry and demand to know why. It would always start a fight, and always end in a break up.

The constant up and downs of his mood affected me. When we met, I had just finished a battle with depression. I was changing my life. Trying to be a happier person because I wanted to be happy again. I tried to fake it until I made it. And it worked. I attracted many people to me through my happiness and then I genually became happy again.

Am I controlling? Yes. Why? Because thats the only way I know to get the truth.

I used to be laid back and hope that was enough. Every guy wants a laid back girlfriend that rolls with the punches. My problem was that I chose the guys who had no problem cheating on their laid back girlfriends. Having my heart broken three times over cheating boyfriends turned me into the opposite. Controlling. How can he cheat on me if I know everything? How can he lie to me if he knows I'm watching?

Well I guess that backfired.

Now my question.... where can I find a genuine man, who does not cheat, and does not lie, and has the patience to help me understand that he's different? Sounds like a lot to ask for.

Maybe one day all of my love stories will end when the story becomes a reality. Until that day.. I'll try to put the pieces together again.

"I love you with all of my heart.

I miss everything about you.

You are the reason I smile every day."

** Side Note: This is a very inappropriate time to release this but I figured if I didn't do it now, I never would**

There's nothing like waking up and before you open my eyes, I can smell it. That warm musky sent he leaves behind on my pillows. Knowing that he is next to me before I greet the world for the day is the ultimate way to begin any day. Knowing that he was here yesterday and his smell is still with me brings an instant smile.

It's the small things- the touch on my back as I walk through a door. The sound he makes when he sees Lexie again. The subtle feeling of him smelling my hair when we hug. The quick brush of his hand across my face to move my hair.

I feel my arms wrapping around his body and suddenly I'm home. His arms around my shoulders. Our bodies fitting perfectly together. He squeezes me tightly and I turn my head to smell his neck. My head resting on his large shoulders. How can I not trust him when I'm settled in my special place. His hands move up and down my back because he knows I like it. His lips touch my head and place a small kiss on me. All these small things learned over time. I run my hands up and down his spine and wait for him to pull away. For these few seconds, I feel like I'm the only one there.

It's the big things- The hug after a long day of waiting. The smiles. The planning of our future. Our history together. Knowing that no matter what, he'll always be there for me in one way or another. The memories. His family. Knowing that for once, I'm able to be me- the good and the bad.

I woke up early and didn't want to wake you so I layed there not moving. I propped myself up my my arm and looked at you. You were facing me, just inches away. The sunlight was coming through your window and it was illuminating the back of your head so it looked like you had a halo. Your face was relaxed and you had a slight smile on your face. You groaned slightly and the smile got bigger. You hugged your pillow tighter. I couldn't help but smile and wonder what you were dreaming about. Suddenly your eyes cracked open and caught me staring. You had a huge smile on your face and your arm reached out for me and motioned for me to turn over. I rolled over and snuggled closed to you. I felt your entire body wrap around me- safe in my spot. You moaned in my ear and said "good morning." I knew that was it. That very instant.

Things I do know- He lays on his side when he sleeps. He looks like a child sleeping, curled around his 'Kelly' pillow. He's a different person with me than he is with anybody else. He has a soft spot for dogs. His eyes change colour in the sun, or when he is really happy. He is a very proud person, and sometimes it gets him into trouble. He values his friends and his father more than anybody in the world. I've never seen somebody so devoted to his father and vice versa. His favourite clothes in the winter are his black track pants from high school, a t-shirt, his Texas sweater or his black zip up. In summer, it's black basketball shorts with a t-shirt. He loves stripes on his shirts. He can be the sweetest person I've ever met if he wants to be. He is stubborn. If you are luckily enough to catch his attention for long enough, you can have some of the most insightful and honest conversations. He's charming, and he knows it. He is brilliant. He makes me feel like nobody ever has.

He makes me smile, he makes me cry, he makes me feel like I can do anything. He doesn't understand how fragile I am and he doesn't understand that every action has a reaction. He doesn't understand that I depend on him because I've entangled him into my life so much that he is as much a part of me, as I am. I need his approval, I need his opinion. I need him with me.

This past 8 months or so have been so testing to me. I've never been in a long distance relationship and I never realized the lengths that some people go to, just to see their other half. I've spent more time than normal or necessary debating life and what I want out of it. I've also spent just as much time thinking about all of the bad things he's done. That is why I created a pro/con list. In the hopes that writing them down will get it out of my head and I could concentrate on something else. I've spent hours attempting to do something but keeping my ears perked to my front door with my fingers and toes crossed that he would show up to surprise me because he just had to see me. Foolishness- I know.

I used to fight with him just to see if he still cares. Lately our fights have just come on their own and I can see him pulling back. I'm not sure if he's unwilling to fight back, or just does not care anymore. It scares me because I don't know what I would do if we were to fall apart. He's my confidante, my support system, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend. He's the person I think about first thing in the morning and the last person I think about before I go to bed. And who am I kidding, he's the person I think about every spare minute of my day. He's the person I want to wake up beside every day. And the person I want to fall asleep beside. He's the person I want to call and I want to hear his voice. He's the person I want beside me when I take the biggest steps of my life. But I don't think he wants that anymore. So I'm in a waiting game to see who will snap first, him or me.

So what do I want? I want my Tom back. I want the Tom calls me to say hi. I want the Tom that asks me how my day was, and is really interested in what I did. I want the Tom that is vulnerable around me because it is only in those moments when I am absolutely sure that he loves me and he is telling me the truth. I want the Tom that holds my hand in public and shows me off to the world. I want to be naive again. I want to believe everything he says. I want to pretend like I'm the only one he's kissed since October 25th, 2007 and the only one he's promised these things to.

I want to be happy with him, and I want him to be happy with me.