Last night was the slap in the face I needed.

It wasn't the unlimited desserts being passed around, or the booze, or the 150 women on a boat at sunset. It was the psychic.

I sat down with her and she smiled at me and looked at me funny. She handed me a deck of Tarot cards and asked me to think of one question that she can answer in a 'yes' or 'no' and to shuffle the cards. I was debating between two questions- one, will I find a successful job for September. And the next- Did I do the right thing with him. I finally decided on the career question.

I hand her the cards and she does her thing with them and turns up three cards. I have no idea what they mean but she begins to study them. She suddenly snaps her head up and says "you asked me two questions. The answer to both questions is no, not yet." She begin to describe me to a T. She said I focus on the past and it's affecting my future. I tend to dwell on the negative and ignore the positive. She said something that shook me so hard. "You cannot be happy unless you let go of the past." One I let go of the past and the negativity, then positive things will flow into my life. But that can only happen once I rid myself of the negative. She said I'm on a path, but I must work hard to stay on that path. My destiny is easily changed. She said that I need to put more work into both things for either of them to work out the way I would like them to. She said I need to work on me and figure out what really makes me happy and follow that.

She told me that I have a guide that watches over me. She was the first to go and that she sees an 'N' and a 'S'. It's nice to know that Nannie is looking over me and helping to keep me safe.

I guess what this means is that I have some work to do.

I have to figure out what makes me really happy. I believe this is a warning about PR. I'm two months in an I'm shaking already. These past two weeks have been brutal- but I feel like this is real.

I have to decide if he makes me happy. I need to forget about his wants and needs for a minute and really figure out if he makes me happy. If the answer is no, then I know what I have to do. If the answer is yes, then I need to factor in his wants and needs and see if they are compatible with mine. Once that is done, I need to ask him if he wants me. If his answer is no, then everything happens for a reason and I need to accept that. I feel like I have been doing this backwards for a while and I need to make it right.

I've decided already that I'm done being paranoid. If you are going to cheat on me, go for it. That is not a reflection on me, it is a reflection on you. I'd rather you do it now, so I can figure out what kind of person you really are. I do not want to be with somebody who has no moral compass. I will not cheat. Period. My life is stressful enough, I cannot deal with more stress added on by my own will. I cannot deal with the guilt, and anybody who knows me well knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't hide something like that anymore. Life is too short to deceive the person you love.

If you want to lie to me, go for it. I will find out eventually and all hell will break loose. I cannot be with somebody I cannot trust. And I cannot trust you if you lie to me. -- you know whats worse? Lying to me about girls. The reason people lie is so that the other person doesn't find out. If you are hiding girls, then that equals BIG problems. You cannot be with me if you lie to me, especially about other girls.

If you don't want to see me for a week or two weeks, then fine, don't bother spending the time and money to come see me- or please do not ask me to come down and ignore me. Money is very tight and I could have used that $20 for food instead of not eating all week. I'll know that you aren't that into me and if you can bear to spend that much time apart, then it's not right at all. I want to come home to you every night and I want to wake up beside you every morning. I know that's what I want. And I know how I feel. If you want less than that, then you feel less than I do. I deserve somebody who loves me as much as I love them.

I am a strong and beautiful woman. I deserve somebody who is going to treat me right, who loves me and wants to be with me. I'm done being in the grey zone. Make your choice. Be with me, all of me and only me, or go on your way. I'm not playing this game anymore. The game is making me miserable.