TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43 now at $14,228.43. Difference of $200
Mastercard - $10,056.06 now at $8122.66. Difference of $1933.40
OSAP - $6,378.08 now at $6,292.66. Difference of $85.42
Since I started my quest to end my debt, I've paid off $2218.82 - and counting!
It feels great to be in control. These numbers are still way too high, but slowly they are coming down.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
What goes around, comes around.
Well, as I said last week, I firmly believe in Karma. If you send positive energy out there, you will receive positive energy in return.
I spent my last $70 on a man I had never met before so he could go home and visit his daughter. This week, just days later, I get an e-mail from my Mom saying that my parents were talking and they want to help me out with some of my debt repayment - to the tune of $1500.
Holy
Crap
Just to clarify, this came out of nowhere. I have not mentioned money to my parents at all in the past month or so. I have been doing well for myself and keeping up with my payments. They just decided to do this as a gift. A really BIG gift.
So there you have it folks, what goes around, comes around. Be nice to others, and others will be nice to you.
Well, as I said last week, I firmly believe in Karma. If you send positive energy out there, you will receive positive energy in return.
I spent my last $70 on a man I had never met before so he could go home and visit his daughter. This week, just days later, I get an e-mail from my Mom saying that my parents were talking and they want to help me out with some of my debt repayment - to the tune of $1500.
Holy
Crap
Just to clarify, this came out of nowhere. I have not mentioned money to my parents at all in the past month or so. I have been doing well for myself and keeping up with my payments. They just decided to do this as a gift. A really BIG gift.
So there you have it folks, what goes around, comes around. Be nice to others, and others will be nice to you.
Monday, May 10, 2010
What am I doing? I feel out of control. I'm second guessing my decisions. I feel numb.
I usually know what the right decision is because my emotions tell me so. I usually have such an overwhelming feeling of right or wrong it's obvious. But I don't know this time. I think I've been damaged to the point where my emotional nerves have been paralyzed. I'm lost without my emotional compass.
Talking about Shea last night gave me the chills. It's been a secret I've held inside of me, thought about on a daily basis, kept inside of me... then suddenly it was coming out of my mouth. My little secret. I feel kind of guilty in a way because I've held it in for so long.
But then you talked about her, like she was a part of your life too. In your day dreams, your imagination. I'm not alone. There's something comforting in that.
I'm always going to wonder, "what if..."
I usually know what the right decision is because my emotions tell me so. I usually have such an overwhelming feeling of right or wrong it's obvious. But I don't know this time. I think I've been damaged to the point where my emotional nerves have been paralyzed. I'm lost without my emotional compass.
Talking about Shea last night gave me the chills. It's been a secret I've held inside of me, thought about on a daily basis, kept inside of me... then suddenly it was coming out of my mouth. My little secret. I feel kind of guilty in a way because I've held it in for so long.
But then you talked about her, like she was a part of your life too. In your day dreams, your imagination. I'm not alone. There's something comforting in that.
I'm always going to wonder, "what if..."
Friday, May 07, 2010
Life is different. I'm not sure if it's better or worse - just different.
I make plans for me. I do what I want to. I make dinner for one. I wake up alone, I go to bed alone.
I vow to make life what I want it to be. And this is what I want:
I make plans for me. I do what I want to. I make dinner for one. I wake up alone, I go to bed alone.
I vow to make life what I want it to be. And this is what I want:
- A career that is going someplace
- A man who adores me
- A well behaved dog
I want a man who:
- Takes care of himself and takes care of me
- Is thoughtful
- Thinks about "us" instead of just me or just him
- Values a relationship
- Is loyal, faithful, and respectful
- Is charming
- Loves me for me
- Knows how to communicate
- Can be happy with just one woman
- Is honest, regardless of the consequences
- Is able to commit
- Has life goals
- Supports himself
I stayed late at work yesterday. I just couldn't bring myself to go home. I cried the entire way to work on the subway and not one person asked me if I was OK or offered me a tissue. I didn't want to face that cold world again feeling the way I was.
Around 7 I gathered up my things and left, hoping that I missed the rush and I could get home unnoticed. There was a man just a couple years older than me at the entrance to the subway station - he had a sign that read "Need bus fare to go home. I'm sorry. There is no other way."
His face looked like how I felt. I instantly connected with him and my heart went out to him. I didn't have any cash on me, but then I remembered that I had $5 in my purse that I had taken out on Saturday for Tom. I put it in his cup and the look he gave me broke my heart. He was crying. He was clearly embarrassed that he was begging. He looked me in the eye and said, thank-you, I'm trying to get home to see my daughter. I really appreciate it.
I sat down next to him and asked him where he was going and he told me his life story. The bus station was just around the corner so I told him to come with me. I walked with him to the bus station and bought him a ticket to Ottawa.
I used my grocery money to buy that ticket - but he needed it more than I did.
I fully believe in Karma. What goes around, comes around. And as selfish as this sounds, it made me feel better as a person to be able to change somebody's life like that. So maybe, one day, when I just need somebody to sit down and talk to me and help me get where I need to go, somebody will be there.
Around 7 I gathered up my things and left, hoping that I missed the rush and I could get home unnoticed. There was a man just a couple years older than me at the entrance to the subway station - he had a sign that read "Need bus fare to go home. I'm sorry. There is no other way."
His face looked like how I felt. I instantly connected with him and my heart went out to him. I didn't have any cash on me, but then I remembered that I had $5 in my purse that I had taken out on Saturday for Tom. I put it in his cup and the look he gave me broke my heart. He was crying. He was clearly embarrassed that he was begging. He looked me in the eye and said, thank-you, I'm trying to get home to see my daughter. I really appreciate it.
I sat down next to him and asked him where he was going and he told me his life story. The bus station was just around the corner so I told him to come with me. I walked with him to the bus station and bought him a ticket to Ottawa.
I used my grocery money to buy that ticket - but he needed it more than I did.
I fully believe in Karma. What goes around, comes around. And as selfish as this sounds, it made me feel better as a person to be able to change somebody's life like that. So maybe, one day, when I just need somebody to sit down and talk to me and help me get where I need to go, somebody will be there.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
The little butterflies are there again. Very small, but still a nice reminder that not all hope is lost. The text messages in the morning are a wonderful reminder that I am still attractive. I'm smiling again, through my pain.
If he could find somebody to talk to on POF, so can I, and I have.
So far only one has given me small butterflies, but I'm positive that is going to change.
The power of positive thinking changes everything.
If he could find somebody to talk to on POF, so can I, and I have.
So far only one has given me small butterflies, but I'm positive that is going to change.
The power of positive thinking changes everything.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
To be single, or not to be single, that is the question.
I love being in a relationship. The idea that there is one person who will be there for me and I can tell everything to is delightful. Somebody I can share my stress with, and my hopes and fears and goals. Somebody whose been with me the whole way and knows how big each milestone is. There is such intimacy that comes with knowledge of another person's life.
On the flip side, a bad relationship seems to suck the life out of you. A relationship when you can't trust what the other person is saying. How great can those life milestones be if you aren't sure that the other person even cares? How can you share your hopes, feelings or goals when you aren't certain that person will keep that knowledge a secret? What is the point?
How can it survive when one person is so selfish, they'd rather talk to 16 other women out of boredom when they realize that it will hurt you? But they'll do it anyways because everything is about them, you just fit in when they have nothing else to do. It's all for show.
Yes, he has this great girlfriend who cooks dinner for all of his friends. Always takes an interest in his friends lives and is nothing but pleasant to them? On the outside, everything is perfect. But the minute this great girlfriend leaves, the computer calls him. Maybe he likes the anonymity. Maybe he likes that he can be anybody he wants to be, an employed, Laurier football player who is responsible enough to buy a house and take care of his own dog. Maybe he likes the reaction he gets from these women. Maybe it's a ego boost. Maybe he doesn't see that there is a woman who liked him for who he was. He always has to be somebody he's not.
Obviously he sees that he's not living up to his potential, and in order to feed that need to be accepted, he's creating an alter ego. The problem is, his alter ego is not who he is. And his alter ego is going to lose the woman he loves, the woman who accepts him for who he is.
If he's so unhappy with his life that he needs to create an alternate life online, then he can't possibly be happy with me. So maybe it would be in every body's best interest for him to go on with his alternate universe and receive the praise he obviously feels that he deserves. And for me to continue living on in the present and concentrate on my career, losing weight and being happy. Just me, all alone. Just me. And Lexie, of course.
I love being in a relationship. The idea that there is one person who will be there for me and I can tell everything to is delightful. Somebody I can share my stress with, and my hopes and fears and goals. Somebody whose been with me the whole way and knows how big each milestone is. There is such intimacy that comes with knowledge of another person's life.
On the flip side, a bad relationship seems to suck the life out of you. A relationship when you can't trust what the other person is saying. How great can those life milestones be if you aren't sure that the other person even cares? How can you share your hopes, feelings or goals when you aren't certain that person will keep that knowledge a secret? What is the point?
How can it survive when one person is so selfish, they'd rather talk to 16 other women out of boredom when they realize that it will hurt you? But they'll do it anyways because everything is about them, you just fit in when they have nothing else to do. It's all for show.
Yes, he has this great girlfriend who cooks dinner for all of his friends. Always takes an interest in his friends lives and is nothing but pleasant to them? On the outside, everything is perfect. But the minute this great girlfriend leaves, the computer calls him. Maybe he likes the anonymity. Maybe he likes that he can be anybody he wants to be, an employed, Laurier football player who is responsible enough to buy a house and take care of his own dog. Maybe he likes the reaction he gets from these women. Maybe it's a ego boost. Maybe he doesn't see that there is a woman who liked him for who he was. He always has to be somebody he's not.
Obviously he sees that he's not living up to his potential, and in order to feed that need to be accepted, he's creating an alter ego. The problem is, his alter ego is not who he is. And his alter ego is going to lose the woman he loves, the woman who accepts him for who he is.
If he's so unhappy with his life that he needs to create an alternate life online, then he can't possibly be happy with me. So maybe it would be in every body's best interest for him to go on with his alternate universe and receive the praise he obviously feels that he deserves. And for me to continue living on in the present and concentrate on my career, losing weight and being happy. Just me, all alone. Just me. And Lexie, of course.
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