2009

What a year. It started off with promise and hopefulness. Heartbreak, tragedy, sadness followed. Then came a sense of self. A sense of belonging and competitiveness. Accomplishment, pride and faith.

I did the best I could with what I had and I am so proud of myself. When I fell apart, I picked myself back up again and made me better. I finished one path and started another.

It's funny looking back on the past couple years and remembering all the tears and the happiness and the friendships and none of those those seem as sad or happy as I remember feeling then. But I suppose that's how it really goes. All those nights up on a computer hammering out an essay, cramming for an exam or chatting with a heartbroken friend have all been worth it. Every step of the way has been worth it because with out, I wouldn't be where I am today.

The lessons I learned this year are:

• in the end, you can only trust and depend on yourself. I am the only one who is looking out for me and I need to do whatever it takes to make me happy.
• People come and go in my life for different reasons. But each have helped push me to learn more about myself.
• I can do it.
• A dream is achievable with small goals. One step at a time.
• I am most content when I am alone. Does that make me a loaner? Or maybe I just like myself.
• One day I am going to make a fantastic mother, but that day is not today.
• I am able to overcome personal tragedy on my own.
• I am really good at keeping secrets
• Once I make up my mind, there is no stopping me.

2009 has been a challenging year that has pushed me to my limits, but has also shown me what I am able to handle. And after this year, I am confident that I can handle anything.

Bring on 2010!

Will it ever be just me? Is it impossible to be with one person only? Is it an act of selfishness or is it just me? Am I not doing enough to make him happy? Will it ever be just me?

I find it disconcerning when I run into people I know from my past and they appear to be with a wonderful man who treats them right and makes them a priority in their life. Their father treats them like princesses. They have tiffany's around their neck and their wrists, coach bags on their arms and a smile on their face. They have men that will spend a couple hundred dollars on them just to see their face when they open the present... but does money buy happiness?

I always thought money would make things easier. And maybe it does. I'm sure a double income would make life easier as well. But I don't have either of those. So what can I do to make life easier? Be jealous of my best friend who moved into a beautiful condo with her bf today? Be jealous of the Coach bags and tiffany necklaces? Be jealous of the girls that eat out every night? Be jealous of the girls living in their parents condo in Yorkville by themselves? I think that would make me a very bitter person.

So, thats something I constantly fight with. To force a big smile on my face and hug them and listen to them tell me how great their life is. Well guess what, let me tell you how great my life is. I have a two bedroom apartment to myself. I support myself. I have a couple things that I wish I could afford, but I'm not scrambling to make rent every month. I have a great dog who is very loving, and although she is very energetic at times, I wouldn't want it any other way. At least one thing is happy to see me every single day. I have love in my life. It comes in the form of friends and extended family, but I have love. There is food in my belly and a roof over my head and my debts are slowly being paid down. Slowly every month.. but still going down every month. Thats the best I can do.