Wow.. here we go again. Another excited phone call from another friend who is moving in with their boyfriend. All I can say is.. That is so great! I'm so excited for you! And ask them all the questions I hope they will ask me whenever I find a man who wants to live with me as I sit in my parents basement unpacking my things.... Life is funny sometimes.

I've found it difficult to get out of bed today. My first day officially unemployed. I'm a hard worker. I've always had at least one job, sometimes two or three. This is uncharted territory. I think I am a great writer. I think I am an excellent employee. I just need somebody to see that. But how do I stand out in a pile of resumes? There must be something that other people are doing that I just don't know about yet. But what is it? And how long is it going to take me to figure it out?

I cashed my cheque from my internship today. $4000 richer... or $4000 less poor. Only $23,000 left to go before I'm broke. Sweet....

I have so many hopes and dreams but they all seem too far away. For the first time, I'm in this alone. I had my parents supporting me and pushing me to reach my goal of graduating University. I had Tom's support through grad school. Now I'm alone. My parents have cut me off, they have found jobs for my brothers and their girlfriends. They are generously allowing me to stay in their basement for a couple weeks. But the job search is up to me. The apartment search will be up to me. Paying off my debts is completely up to me. Drying my tears is up to me. I'm completely alone for the first time ever.

I kind of feel like I should be going out and partying. I feel like drinking. I feel like doing drugs. Maybe I've given up a little bit.. maybe I just need to numb the pain. I'm becoming depressed again. Anybody want to party?

It makes me happy to hear that you are upset. It means that I actually meant something to you at one point in time. It would hurt way more if you were okay. Hearing you cry confirmed to me that you did love me. It means that I wasn't delusional. I wasn't wasting my time.

I'm happy that you can't look at my picture because it means that you feel guilty. You can't look at my smiling face, knowing that I'm probably crawled up in a ball, all alone, crying so hard I can't breath. Have you ever cried so hard you threw up.. That was a new experience.

I'm happy knowing that you see me in your house because you recognize the effort and love I put into it for you. It means that you will think about me from time to time and maybe smile. It means you won't forget about me. And if you don't forget about me, then you won't make this mistake ever again.

A friend said it perfectly tonight. "Kelly, you know I love you. You are allowed to be upset, in fact, I would be worried if you weren't upset. But you did everything you could to make it work. A relationship takes two people working together to stay together. If one person pulls away, it all falls down. You did what you had to do to keep it together, but you don't have control over his actions. You were a great girlfriend and any man will be happy to have you in their life."

I'm sad that Tom and Kelly have come to an end. But I'm smiling because of all the great times. I'm smiling because I have grown up so much in the past two years. I graduated University, I got accepted and excelled in my post graduate. I got an internship. I've completed my internship and was given an excellent review - the highest she has ever given an intern. I've bought a car. I've lived on my own for the first time in an unfamiliar city, I've taken some chances. But most of all, I allowed myself to fall in love again. And what an amazing feeling that was. I am so proud of myself, and that is something that nobody can take away from me.

Yes, I may be extremely emotionally volatile right now, but that is okay. I put myself out there and that was the chance I took when I became his girlfriend. Nobody can blame me for what I have been through. These past two years have been some of the happiest and the saddest times in my entire life. Right now, I'm trying to focus on the happy times so I remember how much I have changed in such a short period of time. I'm sitting here smiling with tears running down my cheeks. I just wish you loved me half as much as I loved you. Everything would have been different.

I don't know if he will read this anymore, so I'm writing this for me. I want to remember how sensitive I was at one point before my heart turns into steel. I feel sorry for my next man. I have MAJOR trust issues now. If you thought it was bad before... well it's a hell of a lot worse now. But hopefully my $150 an hour shrink will help me deal with that. Fingers crossed that this next chapter in my life will be full of self discovery, self love and maybe a great date or two!

It broke my heart to hear your voice today. God, I miss the person I know you to be. It seems so simple to me, just be that person you know you can be and everything will be alright. But you can't, for whatever reason.

What really confuses me was that you had already moved on. You refused to come see me, you didn't invite me down. You made plans and broke them with me. You didn't make me feel welcome or wanted. You never called. You took hours to respond to my text messages. You were talking with your ex girlfriend and defending her when I tried to talk to you about it. You were trying to find another girl or girls to make you happy. You pushed me away. You had moved on already and I was hanging on by my fingernails.

So why are you so upset now? You didn't want me. You should be happy... you finally got your wish. I'm gone. No more daily messages bothering you. Your weekends are free to drink with your buddies and sleep in. You can speak to whoever you want, whenever you want without worrying about me finding out. You can bring any girl you want back to your house and show it off. You don't have to worry about Lexie's hair getting everywhere. Your house will remain in perfect condition.

So why are you so upset? I don't get it.
_______________________________________________

Every time I hear this song I picture you saying the words to me.

Already Gone. By Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories are haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye.

Even with our fists held high, it never would've worked out right. We were never meant for do or die.

I didn't want us to burn out. I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road someone's gotta go. And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better but I want you to move on so I'm already gone.

Looking at you makes it harder but I know that you'll find another that doesn't always make you want to cry.

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in. Perfect couldn't keep this love alive.

You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go... I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road someones gotta go. And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better but I want you to move on so I'm already gone.

You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong, There's no moving on so I'm already gone.

You need to stop.

I've given you so many chances to tell me the truth, but I usually find out you are lying. YOU set YOURSELF up for failure. YOU set YOURSELF up for heart break. And YOU set ME up to get hurt.

Is this normal? Is every guy like this and every girl hides their man's infidelities and lies from their friends? Do I have to deal with this for the rest of my fucking life? No wonder I am so fucked up.

Do the world a favour and remain single and celibate. You are far beyond repair. You will ALWAYS be this horrible, lying, scum bag of a person. Stop trying to get laid. Stop talking to other women. Stop being a MENTAL TERRORIST.

Mark my words... you will never be happy in a relationship. You are too selfish. You will never know what it feels like to put your heart in somebody else's hands and how wonderful it feels when they take care of it for you.

Good luck to the next woman you are with. She will never be as pretty, smart, driven or understanding as I am.

You fucked up... HUGE.

--The End--

In every relationship, there is a beginning and the end. The end happened on Friday.

At first I was sad, confused, hurt... but I surrounded myself with the people who love me and I became empowered.

I am relieved. Thank God I saw who he really was, a pathological liar, a cheat and a person with no moral compass. Thank God I saw that now instead of later. All the signs were there, but my blinders were on.

I knew something was up- he never came to see me willingly, he hesitated when I asked to visit, he went out with his buddies when I was there... it was all there. And the best part about it, now I'll never make that mistake again!

I never thought I would have this kind of reaction. I'm smiling all the time. I haven't cried with the exception of a minute on Saturday. I haven't been this consistently happy in a very long time.

I'm a bit worried about the next girl he dates because a leopard never changes its spot's. He won't change. The pattern is there, he cheated on Jessica all the time and admitted it, he cheated on me all the time but never admitted it. He lied to everybody. He's never going to change, and you know what - that's okay with me. It is the bad people in the world like him that make the good people in the world, like me, look better.

I am excited about my date on Saturday. I haven't been this excited to see somebody in years.

I guess all in all, there are no tears here, only smiles. The weight is lifted off my chest because I KNOW I did the right thing. There is no more second guessing.

I would wish him the best, but I know he'll never become the best so why waste my wishes?

I regret not seeing this earlier because I could have been very very happy right now. He could be the furthest thing from my mind. But I welcome the pain. It makes me feel alive.

You can't hurt me anymore. I can't say 'have a good life' because I know you won't. So let me say, have the best life you can possibly give yourself.

It feels like someone kicked you in the stomach. Feels like your heart stopped beating. Feels like that dream, you know the one when you are falling and you want so desperately to wake up before you hit the ground but its all out of your control.

I cant trust anything anymore. No one is who they say they are.



My life is changed forever, and the only thing to come out of this whole ugly experience is no one will be able to break my heart like that again.

Only you know the truth. And the truth will set you free.

It always comes out eventually, why not do it now and get it over with.

Like a band-aid you used to say. Just rip and deal with the pain.

Get Out of my Head.

Nothing good can come of this.

I just didn't realize you would bounce back so quickly and try to get another girl into your bed.

Did I really mean that little to you? Just another notch on your brand new bedpost.

Played again...

Its days like today that I wish I was still with you.

I just need somebody to talk to who knows my situation and what I have been going through. I don't want to describe the situation to somebody else. Only you could understand what just happened to me, and why it is such a bad thing.

Wanted: Man
Status: PFT (Permanent Full Time)

Independent female requires an emotionally, psychologically and physically mature male for full time relationship.

The successful candidate will have a minimum of one long-term relationship experience with a maximum of two long-term relationships. Excellent communication skills and listening skills are a requirement for the job, as is the ability to provide financially towards the relationship. The position requires excellent interpersonal skills, the ability to convey complex ideas in clear, simple language and the confidence and maturity to establish the individual as the expert on respect and honesty. The successful candidate will be able to demonstrate a successful track record of friendship and must know the difference between monogamy and cheating.

QUALIFICATIONS
· Current employment in an honourable and reputable job.
· Must have personal and professional goals and the means to attain them.
· Experience working in a similar capacity
· Must be over six foot.
· Broad shoulders considered an asset.
· Must provide own transportation.
· Able to have an argument without yelling or cursing. Also must be able to listen effectively while being able to voice their own opinion in an effective manor.
· Excellent communications skills
· Must enjoy date nights and weekends away.
· Must enjoy spending time with family and have respectful friends.
· Excellent organizational and time management skills

Traveling: 40%

We thank all applicants, however, only those selected for an interview will be contacted. We are an equal opportunity partner.

Sometimes the stupidity of men shock and amaze me.

I met this guy in the summer before I started university. He was friends with my friend Sara's boyfriend Mark. He also lived in Waterloo. We started talking about Waterloo because I was moving there for school in a matter of weeks. He never mentioned a girlfriend, though he did mention that he owned his own house right down the street from the school- walking distance even.

Surprisingly, a week after moving to school I get a call from Mark saying he was coming to Waterloo to party with Cat (the guy I had met) and Dos (his roommate who was also at the bonfire that night). He said I should come. Being new in town, and knowing that this guy had turned on the charm a couple weeks before, I said sure and got their address. I showed up and I was the only girl there. Alright cool, just me and the boys. We ended up drinking on their back deck and heading down to The Wax/The Still for the night. We were retarded drunk. There was seven of us, me and six guys. Retarded drunk. Within an hour, five of us had "disappeared" from the group, only to be found on the side of the road, kicked out of the bar later on, with the exception of one.

When I was kicked out of the bar, the other one person I was with left with me and we went on a search to find the guys. We didn't have to look too far. They were singing on the street corner being the hilarious drunken fools they are. But, we lost Mark.

Ah well, he's a big boy, he'll find his way back. We jumped in a cab and went back to Cat and Dos' house only to find three boxes of Pizza, and Mark passed out in the middle of the living room. Sweet! Food!

Everybody passed out pretty quickly and Cat and I went out to the front porch to talk. Well talking turned into something else. Yep, right there, on the front porch. Classy, I know.

But then he told me I would have to sleep in the living room. I was a bit ticked off, but I was drunk and tired so I said whatever. I was woken up very early and put in a cab and was sent back to my dorm room, just in time to see the entire building out front to receive their refrigerators. Awesome!

So, five years later I get a friend request from somebody named Chris. I don't recognize their name, but we have two friends in common. Mark and Sara. hmm... could it be? No way... oh YES WAY! He found me. But guess what? He's MARRIED... with a kid.

I dig a little deeper, oh yeah, he had a gf when we first met, the same girl he is married to. And after talking with Sara I discover that he owned his house, yes the house I was in, with his girlfriend. EVEN MORE... the reason I couldn't come upstairs to sleep... yeah she was in his bed waiting for him. WOW the nerve of this guy.

Even more.. he proposed a couple weeks after.

I wonder if she knows? Now wouldn't that be interesting.

I guess the moral of the story is, it is okay to be a slutty first year University student, but it's not okay to cheat on your girlfriend. Especially when she is upstairs waiting for you.

Oh, and apparently I make guys get married. Not to me, of course, but to their girlfriends. So ladies, if you want your men to propose, introduce them to me. I'm not the slutty first year anymore but I guess I make them realize what they have at home and will pop the question in a hurry. I guess that's why I am not even close to getting proposed to... not that I want it now anyways.

My mom sent this to me this morning. I feel that it resinates to me more than ever before. I want to remember these tips.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone for everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.."

My Secrets

• I sleep all the time.
• I regret what happened between us and if I could go back 4 years and do it again, I would.
• Sometimes I think about all the men in my past and I am ashamed. I was reckless and searching for love.
• I don't walk my dog nearly as far as I should.
• I say a prayer every night before I go to bed asking for health, family and happiness.
• I hate doing laundry
• Every time I drive down my street and see my garage, I get disappointed when your car isn't there.
• I need the beach. I need to see the sunset on the boardwalk.
• I day dream constantly.
• I always think there is somebody better than me out there.
• I constantly feel like I am being lead on.
• Some of my most favourite memories include crying.
• I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a normal relationship. I am unable to trust men.
• I enjoy silence for small amounts of time. No more than one hour though please.
• I like being busy. It makes me feel wanted and needed.
• I can't stand rude people.
• I feel like I always need to prove myself
• I constantly need reassurance that I am loved and wanted.
• I miss the phone calls, msn messages and random run-ins from my care-free days.
• I miss my grandma and my Nannie so much. I only wish to make an impression on somebody like they did on me.
• I MISS YOU

Life is so funny. Reading back on my old blogs I confessed my undying love for one guy, and a heartbreak over another. But throughout it all, I never remember feeling like this.

I believe everybody comes into your life for a reason. And with every person, you make a decision, either you chose to let them continue to be in your life, or you don't.

Would I be a different person if I never went to the bar that night and ran into Eric again? What if my parents moved to the other side of town and I went to a different high school? Maybe. Would I be a different person if I put a little bit more effort into the various casual relationships I've had throughout the years? What if one turned into a relationship? Would I be a different person? What if I put my heart on the line continuously? Would I be a more closed off, negative person? Who knows..

It's funny how one person can change who you are. It is the experiences, the emotions, the laughter, and the stories. It is what you learn from that person through their wisdom or through life lessons.

I like who I am now. I feel like I have enough experience in a relationship to understand how to make it work. I feel like I've been hurt enough, more than enough, to appreciate something good whenever it comes along. I am not naive. I understand the world. I've lived on my own for five years. I've learned to cook for myself and to take care of myself. I've learned to budget my money and how to spend it wisely.

I've learned that when you find something good, you hold on to it.

What I have yet to learn is how to let go. Maybe this life experience will show me the way to let go. As I said, everything happens for a reason. This is just another lesson to learn.

I don't like change. I like regularity, I like a schedule. I like making plans. I find something comforting in normalcy.

I am a creature of habit.

This personality trait will be great when I'm older and more established. For now, it is my worst enemy. Nothing in my life is solid. Everything is trying to go with the flow. It is the unknown that scares me, and the unknown is all I know. I'm terrified.

Some people thrive on flying by the seat of their pants, some people crash and burn. I'm on fire.

Life is like a stack of domino's, as soon as one thing falls into place, they all fall into place. I just need that initial push aka a job offer. Job offer comes salary, which determines rent, which also depends on location of job. Once rent and location of job is determined then I can find an apartment, organize moving dates and time, find help to move and get my life in order. God Damn somebody give me a push!

I love writing.

I'm not that great at it, but I love it. I love going back through my old blogs and remembering things I had forgotten. I love reliving those moments, happy and painful because it reminds me of everything I have gone through and that I am a stronger person for it.

It is in these stories that I am 100% honest. I write what I am thinking, feeling and questioning. Everything that is jumbled up in my head I write about to try and make sense of it.

Sometimes I write because I know others are reading, sometimes I write just for me. This post is for one special person.

I want to know how long I can go without talking to you. Yes, I thinking about you constantly and sitting down at my desk today and seeing your picture caught me off guard. This is a new feeling for me. One that I haven't had in 6 years. Being alone, and being unsure.

I think I deserve some answers. After everything we've been through, we deserve to be honest with each other at least once. It might hurt, but love comes with pain, and happiness comes with saddness.

Was there anybody else? I feel like there was, and that feeling hasn't gone away.
Why did you treat me like a secondary part of your life?
Are you really trying to make yourself better? Or is this just an easy way out?
Were you just using me?
Do you want to be with me?
Should I hold out hope that we may work out in the future, or should I shut that door?
Will I ever see you again?

I'm finding it very hard to believe that you want to do this to work on yourself. You are a very selfish person and excuses like this, in the past, have been a cover-up of something else. It's not that I don't believe you, but my instinct is telling me to question it based on your past actions.

I am begging you for the 100% honest answers. Please do not tailor the answer for me, just give it to me straight. It might hurt, but it might be the push I need to move on. Right now I'm stuck in limbo and I need a push in one direction or another. Please...

I just let you go.

The tears are still coming down my face but the weight crushing my chest is gone. I just let you go.

I can't help any more. I'm emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.

But I want nothing more than to be curled up next to you.

The brain is a cruel thing. It's telling me "Kelly, stop. You deserve to be treated like a princess. You deserve somebody who wants you." And it's telling me, "You can't be comfortable without him. Man, wouldn't it be nice to be laying in his bed beside him? It's only an hour away....."

These thoughts are taunting me. Will you show up on Thursday? Will you ever show up? Will I ever see you again? Can I live a good and happy life if I'm not with you? Can I live and good and happy life with you? Will you ever be the man I know you are? Will you ever be the man I dream of?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions and it's driving me insane. I tired to talk to you tonight to see where your head was. But that didn't go well. So again, I'm left with no answers, BUT.. I let you go.

We've broken up and made up too many times to count.

If I stop talking to you now, three months from now, will you still want me? A year from now? Will you still be trying to work towards being the man you can be? Or will somebody else come along who says, no it's okay, you are perfect the way you are? And you forget all about me. Have you been putting on an act this whole time and the man you really are is somebody who enjoys the company of multiple ladies and who loves to flirt non-stop? Have I been holding you back from being happy?

I don't even know if you want a life with me. I don't know if you have it in your head that you will try and get me back when you are better. I don't know what you want. I think that is the most frusterating part. If I knew you were not running forward to make yourself better so you can treat me right, then it would be easier to give up all hope and move on.

But I still have hope. This is the most fucked up part. I still have hope.

I guess I'm left with these lyrics from one of my favourite song...

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

Love you forever and ever.. Eye... heart... U

I feel like something inside me has died. I'm completly numb.

I'm foolishly hoping this is all a dream and that I'll wake up happy again. I want it to work. I've tried so damn hard to make it work.

Why can't you just be a good person? What you do, and what you say affects me, negativly and positively because I'm supposed to be your other half. The woman you love. What is so hard to understand about that?

I feel like a failure because it didn't work. I would give anything to make it right again. I just can't picture me, without you.

Wow...




I am in shock.

I never thought you would be so stupid to lie to me knowing that it would end our relationship. Knowing that within a matter of weeks I would know the truth. Why did you waste my time if you knew it was going to end anyways? You wanted it to end.. it was all a lie.

I feel so foolish because I believed that you loved me. I believed that you weren't just using me. I believed that you were trying to build a life with me.

I'm most disappointed in myself because I should have known better. I should have gotten out over a year ago and I would be happy now. No more tears, no more wondering "what if."

I had a dream last night that you showed up. I couldn't decide if I wanted to hug you or slam the door in your face. Either way, I cried. Right now I'm not sure what I want. I want you to show up here, with flowers professing your love for me. I want you to tell me how stupid and childish you were and how much you regret hurting me. I want you to tell me you are willing to spent however long it takes to make it up to me and to actually mean it and follow through with it. But I know that will never happen. 1, because you are too lazy to think about doing something like that. 2, because I'm not sure you regret what you did and maybe it was your way of getting out of something you weren't happy in anymore. And 3, that type of thing only happens in the movies, not to girls like me.

Maybe I have unrealistic expectations. All I want is somebody who I love, who loves me back. Somebody who is going to treat me special and who enjoys being around me as much as I enjoy being around him. I want somebody who WANTS to tell me everything that is going on in their life and who doesn't intentionally deceive and lie to me.

I feel so foolish.

I feel like I've been played. I should have got out a year ago but something told me to stay. I'm cursing myself for allowing him to put me through this again. I've never felt so alone and so out of control.

How could I have trusted him? When he had no respect for my feelings. How could I have been so blind to get weak-kneed every time he promised he was telling the truth and every time he told he me loved me.

I can't believe I almost wasted 2 of the best years of my life on somebody who didn't respect me. Somebody who so willingly hurt me, continuously. I've had enough, cried enough and spent enough hours curled up in a ball wishing the pain to end.

Today I will be sad. I'll give myself today. But tomorrow, I will not let him affect me any more.

Thank you for making me more driven to succeed. Thank you for teaching me the value of honesty. Thank you for all of the wonderful memories, and thank you for the worst moments of my life. I now know that I can survive through it and that I am a stronger person because of it.

I hope that your next girlfriend isn't as smart or observant as I am. I hope that she rolls with the punches and is too high to care about the truth or honesty. I hope that she's just like you, so maybe she will understand better when you lie to her. I hope she doesn't challenge you on the things you say because I could see how frustrating it was for you. I hope that she is everything that would make you happy.

Enjoy the house that I helped you make. I hope that when you look around your house you don't see me in the art work, the rug, coffee table, candles, mirrors, the kitchen table or even know I organized your sock drawer. I hope you only see you in the painting we did and I hope that when you need some help, your friends will step up to the plate like I did. I hope that you don't lay down in bed and smell my pillow and wish that I was there with you. I hope you are okay with what you have done because I don't want us both to regret what has just happened.

I want to be surprised.

I don't feel like I'm important enough for somebody to make a fuss over. Yet I still have these dreams of being ambushed with a weekend away or some extremely personal gift for my birthday that would make people jealous and make me smile every day.

I can't say I want to be surprised because then somebody would feel the need to surprise me. I want to be surprised because somebody waned to see the look on my face when they showed up, or when I walked in the room or anything like that. Surprises are so much better when they come out of nowhere.

I remember that first night. I called you out. You were constantly giving me a hard time about not hanging out, but you canceled our first date because you were "not feeling well" which turns out to mean that you were too lazy.

I was getting ready for bed. I sat down at my computer after a long conversation with a good friend about why I was not happy in my previous relationship with Dave and we discussed exactly what I was looking for. I decided to take a chance. You were ragging on me for not hanging out so I told you that you had 10 min to get over or else your shot was over. To my surprise, you came.

It was so awkward at first. I had never really had a conversation with you in person. The only thing I remember of you at first was you trying to impress me at work by telling me how high/drunk you were. Little did you know, that turned me off even more. I figured I would have you over, then you would realize how different our lives were and you would leave it be.

I turned on a movie and went to bed. You watched the movie and I fell asleep. I was woken up by you spooning me and touching me. I figured I would humor you. I figured you were with many girls, and you were just another guy looking for some pussy. Well, I was right about that one.

I felt your breath on my neck and before I could tell you to stop, it was too late. I rolled over and you rolled on top of me. My heart was beating like crazy. I miss that feeling. You were trying to go slow with me and you were being very sweet. Just laying on top of me kissing me. Not going any further until I wanted to.

I had never felt so small, fragile and innocent than I did with you. I felt like you cared. I don't know if that was your act or if you actually did, but I had never sensed that connection with somebody before that night.

We had sex.. I started to shake and you were so sweet. You told me to flip over so you could rub my back. You layed half on top of me so that I could feel your heart beating. You whispered in my ear that it was okay. You had me at that. I knew I needed to be with you.

You arms were so big and so strong. Like no matter what, I couldn't move, even if I wanted to. I just wish I could go back to that time ever since. To have you seduce me, to hold me like you never want to let me go. To make me feel like I'm the only thing you are thinking about.

But maybe that's the joy of the first time. It's something that can never be recreated. And maybe that is what I have been searching for. But if that is a first time thing, then I'll never find that with him again.

I want a crystal ball which shows me what my future will look for. Am I wasting my time trying to make it work? Should I be going out and meeting new people? Should I be having more first times before I settle down? Just give me a sign. Then maybe I won't feel so alone.