I thought I saw you look at me,
I thought I saw you stare.
Do you know that I think you're cute?
I like the look you bare.
Are my eyes deceiving me,
When i see you standing there?
Are you playing tricks on me
Just to prove I care?
Are you an illusion,
Is it only in my mind?
Do you look at me as I do you
To see if you can find a little bit of intrest
A stolen glance your way?
Will you come talk to me
Or watch me day to day?
You may have taking notice
That I'm not very shy
I like to tell my girlfriends
When I like a certain guy
I do not mean to scare you
But I've thought of you a lot
But now I simply want to know
Do you like me too? Or not?
- Unknown

Questions I'll never know the answers to...

What do you do when you know somebody is hurting themselves and nobody else will speak up?
What do you do when your friend disappoints you, but you don't want to create a big fight out of it?
What do you do when your family makes you feel bad for not being at home with them?
What do you do when you love somebody but can't tell them?
What do you do when all you want to do is crawl up in bed and never wake up?
What do you do when all you need is a hug and nobody around you is willing to give you one?
What do you do when a friend calls from 2 hours away hysterically crying, and you can't do anything to stop her?
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Today I had dinner with my father and he filled me in what is going on at home. I never realized that the hardest thing to deal with is knowing that life goes on when I'm not around. Or maybe that life isn't the same since I left. My dad told me that it makes my Mother's day whenever I call her. Just to hear my voice brings a huge smile across her face. He told me that when they get home from work every day, my youngest brother asks them if they heard from me. He also said that they set a place at the dinner table for me every night, just incase I make it home.
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I've been having these nightmares that somebody in my family passes on. Some nights it's one of my grandparents from old age, another night it's one of my parents from a disease, and others it's been my brothers from an accident. I wake up in a cold sweat every night, some nights in tears. My family is my world. I wouldn't be able to function if something happened to one of them. The worst part is, no matter how many time I tell them I love them, it will never be enough. My family did so much for me, and I took it all for granted. Every morning my Mom would wake me up by saying "Good Morning Princess" and rubbing my back until I was awake. My Dad would always make sure I could get to where I needed to go, and he would never hesitate to make a phone call to somebody to get me that dream job/get me VIP at the club/make sure I was taken care of. Both my brothers are such intelligent young men. They are handsome and caring. I miss them so much. I know they don't know how much I think about them. I have their pictures on my desk and I look at them every day and tell them I love them.

I realize that since we're all getting older, we will grow apart. We'll go to different schools and only see each other over Christmas break, and after that, who knows. It will never be the same, comfortable way it used to be.
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"Hippopotamus"
"Ippotatumous...?"
"Almost! Hip like that bone right there."
"Ohh I know Hip! My daddy says that my Mommy has huge hips and a big bum! he he he!!"

"Kelly?"
"Yes hun?"
"Will you play doctor with me?"
"Sure, do you want to be the doctor or the patient?"
"I want to be the doctor because I want to poke you."

"My daddy says that you’re pretty."
"Thank you sweetie!"
"I think you’re pretty too. I want you to be my girlfriend forever but my Daddy would get mad at me."

A good friend sent this to me and I believe it rings too true. This is what University is all about :

When we girls drink too much..........*

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling "Woo-Hoo" is truly the sexiest dance move around
3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe we could do it too.
4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago.
5. We drop our 3:00 A.M. submarine sandwich on the floor (which we're eating even thought we are not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6.We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them soooo much.
7. We get extremly excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!!"
8. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us
9. The man we're flirting with used to be our 5th grade teacher
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming to us.
11. Our eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so we keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. We;ve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it
13. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but thats just because we can no longer taste the gin.1
4. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (er, or, the mop?)
15. We start every conversation with a booming "Don't take this the wrong way but...."
16. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.
17.Our hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. We are tired so we just sit on the floor (wherever we happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. We begin leaving the buttons open on our button fly pants to cut down the time we're in the bathroom away from our drink.
20. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're having problems walking.

Random thoughts of the week

I know I haven't been as attentitive to my blogger fans lately, but I hope this entry more than makes up for my lack of inspiration. This blog is dedicated entirely to this week’s thoughts and events.
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Powderpuff is a Sport! I play powderpuff. What, you may ask, is Powderpuff? It is one of the most intense, female-only sports known to human kind. It is basically flag football but it is also a way of life and a community. Powderpuff brings together girls from different fields of study to form a team, and eventually a friendship. It is very competitive and raw, but at the same time there is this level of respect for your team-mates and coaches, and on the rare occasion, the opposing team. Girls push, punch, run, twirl, tackle and grab, basically whatever it takes to block the opposing team from scoring a touchdown. It is rough. Powderpuff is not for the weak (minded or physically). Powderpuff players also know how to party after the games are over.
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Job Hunting sucks.
For some reason, in the middle of January, I have to worry about a summer job. Today alone, I had to fill out an application for a job with the City of Barrie; I received an e-mail from my Aunt with a website for a company in which one of her friends works for, and an e-mail from my mom with a phone number for the York Region OPP to ensure that they received my resume. Honestly, job hunting sucks. I know I will get a good job because it's not what you know, but who you know. And I know a lot of people. And I feel as if I'm going to be accepted to all of these jobs and then I'll have to make a decision. I'm not being cocky, but people tend to help people they like out, and my Aunt and my parents are all in good standings with their clients and friends. I guess the most difficult thing is that I don't know if I am being hired because I am qualified for the positions or because this person happens to like my Father/Aunt/Mother ect. I should use this as an advantage, but I can't help but wonder what will happen if I mess up, or don't like the job. Will this change the person's view of my family and hinder future business plans? I just hope I'm good enough.
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"And when I'm gone, just carry on.
Don't mourn, Rejoyce everytime you hear the sound of my voice.
Just know that I'm lookin down on you and smiling.
And I didn't feel a thing so baby don't feel no pain.
Just smile back."
- Eminem

"It started when we were younger.
You were mine. My boo...
Now another girls taken over but it's still in your eyes.
Even though we used to argue, it's alright.
I know we haven't seen eachother in a while, but you will always be my boo."
-Usher and Alicia Keys

"Smile for me Daddy.
Whatcha Lookin at?
I wanna see your Grillz!
You wanna see my What?
Your, your grillz. Your, your, your Grillz."
- Nelly
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This goes out to my loyal fans who have been begging for some more insights in the World of Kelly. As some of you may know, my body has taken a beating from the feisty Powder Puff girls. On top of that, I am suffering from sever writers block. So this is your weekly dose of Kelly. I am hurting, and have the intelligence of a 10 year old. Deal with it. I'll be back next week, I promise!

Split Screen Sadness

And I don't know where you went when you left me but; Says here in the water you must be gone by now. I can tell somehow. One hand on the trigger of a telephone. Wondering when the call comes. Where you say it's alright, You got your heart right. Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and Wait on the porch 'til you come back home. Oh, right. I can't find a flight. We share the sadness, Split screen sadness. Two wrongs make it all alright tonight.

All you need is love is a lie cause, We had love but we still said goodbye. Now we're tired, battered fighters. And it stings when it's nobody's fault Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name, It's only the air you took and the breath you left. Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and Wait on the porch 'til you come back home. Oh, right. I can't find a flight. So I'll check the weather wherever you are Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight. It might be my only right. We share the sadness, Split screen sadness.

I called Because I just Need to feel you on the line. Don't hang up this time. And I know it was me who called it over but I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day. Don't let me get away. Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me So I can say this is the way that I used to be. There's no substitute for time Or for the sadness. Split screen sadness. We share the sadness.
- John Mayer

Family Matters

This past weekend was a complete let down for me. I had gone into it with high expectations and they were all shot down. Every year, this weekend means more and more to me. This year was different. My family is very important to me. Not only my immediate family, but my extended family as well. This past weekend was the "Annual Kelly Family Christmas" in Ajax. My family is quite large, and the cousins, throughout the years, have subdivided into groups. The group I belonged in consisted of 4 males and me, the youngest. In the past couple years our little group has adjusted to include any of the older cousins who chose to come to these events and their wives or girlfriends. And with the event of a birth last year, we included baby Samantha as well. At any occasion, one of the guys would bring a girl along to meet the family, but it would only be one at a time. When I arrived at my Uncle Mikes house on Saturday, I was hugged and kissed like crazy by all my aunts and uncles. None of my cousins were in sight. I looked across the kitchen table and 3 girls, one whom I recognized, were sitting there staring at me and whispering with the occasional giggle. After I made my way through the mounds of relatives, I asked my mom who those girls were. Since she had been there for a couple hours before I arrived, she had already got the info on the girls. She pointed at each one and told me their names and who they belonged to.

I went downstairs to find the boys and saw that they were all sitting around a poker table playing a game. I guess they were too involved with their game to stand up and give me a hug, but they all waved. I sat there for hours, not saying anything. The girls came downstairs obviously drunk and the boys immediately got up from the table and went to see them or started up a conversation with them. I guess because I'm not fucking them, I'm not as important. Or perhaps they know that I'll always be around. But this hurt me, a lot.

I guess the girls had been introduced the night before and had spent the night drinking together, so they had formed a bond. So when I came, they had no interest in getting to know me. As hard as I tried to start a conversation, they would just shrug me off. I'm sure they are great people, I mean, the guys are amazing people so it's only natural that they are attached to good people. I just don't see it, yet.

That night as I was getting ready to go to our hotel room with my mom and brothers, three of them came up to me within 10 minutes of each other and told me that they were driving back later if I wanted to stay. That was the most conversation I had gotten out of them in 9 hours. I, of course, declined. I realized that if I stayed, this night would only get worse the drunker I got.

The next day, after breakfast, we were packing up to leave. It's customary that everybody stands at the door saying goodbye and those who are leaving make the rounds. This ensures that nobody is missed. It had not occurred to me before that I would have to hug these girls in front of everybody, I couldn't hide from it. So I did, and it was awkward, but it's over now.

The one cousin whom I was closest with, I was the most disappointed in. His girlfriend is the one I despise the most. The only interaction I've had with her was her pushing herself into my business and trying to tell me how to run my life. Unfortunately I'm not easily persuaded. I somehow got out of giving her a hug, and resorted to a Goodbye wave.

This weekend just reminded me that I didn't have anybody special enough in my life to bring to the family gathering. I suppose that could be another reason why I was so thrown off. I didn't realize I would be the only one in my group without a significant other. Why is it that all of them had somebody else? Why don't I have that? I judge my dates based on if I would feel comfortable bringing them to meet my Aunts and Uncles. Why have all of them found that person, but I'm still looking?

I know I'm bitter. But I've grown accustom to certain traditions at these functions, and every single one of them was thrown off. Needless to say, I'm not happy. We'll just see what the future holds; see who sticks around and who doesn't.

Obsessions.

I don't know if this is normal or not, but I have many obsessions. I don't just like something, I become obsessed with it, person or object. I've come to notice some unconscious actions I ceremoniously take part in ever day. They often encompass everything I do, or are constantly on my mind.

The most obvious, which anybody who has ever encountered me knows very well, is picture taking. I love pictures. I love to have a record of the night’s activities. If the night involves drinking, this is a good way of keeping track of myself throughout the night. I don't leave the house without my camera, except when I go to school. Everybody loves pictures; it is my way of fitting into a new group. Your instantly transported from being so-an-so's friend to that girl with all the pictures and eventually to "Kelly".

I have a slight obsession with certain people. At the moment I am torn between two men. I don't know who to concentrate my efforts on, or even if I should pursue anything. One of those things about lust/love/like is that you never really know where to push or pull away until it's too late. I try to keep control of my emotions and control of the situation, but one of those amazing things about lust/love/like is that you have to relinquish control in order for it to work.

The reasoning behind my obsessions is unknown for me. Possibly it could be the never ending search I am on to be happy, or it could be that what I obsess about actually makes me happy right now?