I've changed.
I'm not afraid to admit it. I look the same, maybe a little bit older. I don't feel the same. I've accepted things about myself that I would have fought a year ago. I don't want to say I've grown up, but I'm well on my way. I'm facing my last semester of University. I've planed for my whole life, except for what happens next. I knew that after elementary school came high school. After high school came university, and I know after I graduate the pressure will be on to do something great- I just don't know what is great yet. I know that after this stage I will want to get married, buy a house, a dog and eventually have children. But it's this stage of in-between that I'm facing and am unsure of how to approach it. My options are endless. I want to travel. I want to get out and "find myself" or just find direction. Should I go teach overseas? Can I really be away from my family and friends for a full year? It breaks my heart to be 2 hours away; I wonder what it will feel like to be a day away. I guess I'll never know unless I try!

Friends have drifted and come closer, as with everything in life. I've slowly discovered who my true friends are, not just friends of convenience. I think the real test is if I actually really care what they are up to now. Some people, I don't really care, other's I'm sitting at the edge of my seat with anticipation.

I've decided that I'm too busy for a relationship. But I've also decided that I'm 100% for equal rights... so if a guy can do it, so can I. Some people may disagree with my actions, but frankly, I don't care. I'm too busy to care. I'm happy, I'm safe and I'm satisfied. And to me, that’s all that matters.

I've pushed myself past my limits, and I'm a better person. I've had heartbreaks and set backs, but I don't regret anything. I'm taking on more responsibility than is necessary, but what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger... I just hope it doesn’t kill me.

"Tears Dry On Their Own"

All I can ever be to you,
Is a darkness that we knew,
And this regret I had to get accustomed to,
Once it was so right,
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night,
I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don't know why I got so attached,
It's my responsibility, And you don't owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And in this grey, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own,

I don't understand,
Why do I stress A man,
When there's so many better things at hand,
We could a never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal,

Even if I stop wanting you,
A Perspective pushes thru,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon,
I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men,

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK, In this blue shade,
My tears dry on their own,

So we are history,
YOUR shadow covers me
The sky above,
A blaze only that lovers see

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own,

I wish I could SAY no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
And as we kiss goodbye the sun sets,
So we are history,
The shadow covers me,
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see,

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue Shade,
My tears dry on their own

Amy Winehouse

I'm drowning in myself. I've taken on the impossible task of balancing three part time jobs, attempting to complete a full year course in 3 months and to find some time for myself. Something has to give. And lately it's been myself. Money has taken over everything. I'm going to change that.

I got a promotion which will allow me to drop down to two jobs. I'm fed up with the 2nd job and I think my time there is quickly running out.

I'm not upset, I'm not busy, just overwhelmed. I feel like there is no stopping. I'm constantly running around in circles. I need to break away and concentrate on something other than customer serivce. I need a place where I can be rude and unfriendly if I want to be.

I'm craving my cottage. I've been up once this year. I need to be near the beach and the sun and the heat. I can't stand being pent up inside of a huge concrete box with unforgiving lighting and the constant flow of customers.

I'm complaining a lot, but I'm making changes to my life. And this time next week, hopefully I'll be stress free and laying on the beach. Hopefully.

How did I get caught in the middle of this? This he said-she said bullshit.
I seriously thought highschool ended 4 years ago. We're adults here. Who does this?

If everybody just minded their own business, life would be so much more simple.

Friends don't put stories in other friends head's. And friends don't create drama.

This is breaking my heart, the way it's going down. My reputation is being screwed with because of a 'friends' thoughts. You know, I can't change your mind.. but please keep your oppinions to yourself. I was just trying to be a good friend. I guess I learned my lesson.

I'm over you.

There, I said it. I'm over you. The fairy tale is over.
I used to sit here and think that you are the biggest ass hole. But secretly know, that if you came crawling back to me, I would take you back in an instant.

But now, I'm strong. I don't need that crap.
A lady deserves to be treated with respect. You didn't show me that respect. I let you choose what you wanted, but I never got what I want. No more. You came into my life for a 2nd time, but you won't a 3rd time.

I've learned my lesson. It's time to move on. I'm SO over you!

POST SECRET!!

What a week! The hilight of my week- maybe even my month was visiting Emmy in Toronto and going to the Post Secret exhibit. Now if anybody dosn't know what Post Secret is, I encourage you to visit the website. www.postsecret.blogspot.com

Trust me, it will be worth the visit!

I have been following Post Secret for a long time now. I have all of their books with the exception of one. I have introduced all of my friends to the project and even my family. I bought the Post Secret book for my family and I strategically placed it in a place where I know everybody would visit and read. My Mom raves about the project and had left 3 messages on my phone asking about the exhibit.

Frank, the creator of Post Secret visited Toronto to talk about the project. It was so inspiring. I left the talk feeling so emotional, inspired and happy. The talk was held at OCAD- which is THE COOLEST building I have ever seen! It's like a giant black and white checkered box on stilts. I posted a picture, but it dosn't justify the building at all.

Frank talked about how the project got started, showed some secrets that couldn't be posted online or in the books due to legal issues and shared a very special secret of his own. He was so down to earth and seemed to understand exactly the impact that his project has had on society. While listening to Frank speak and seeing some of these secrets, I found some inner secrets that I have never thought about.

I would love to just sit down with him for an hour over a coffee and pick his brain. Just to find out his oppinions on issues he has been confronted with through Post Secret.

I could sit here and talk about how fantastic the show was, but you will never really understand the magnitude of it. I suppose it was one of those "you have to be there" moments. Emily will probably be the only person to completly understand what I'm talking about. So I encourage you to visit the web site and see what the world is talking about.

The empty space beside me reminds me of what I'm missing.
The blinking red light on my phone tells me that you called.
Everything seems too perfect which is why I'm scared.

Perfection has never existed in my world. Forgive me if I'm scared.
Reassure me that you are there for me.
I might slip and fall, but I need to know that you'll be there to pick me up.
I'm done with games. I need something real. Are you real?

Tell me what I need to hear or leave me alone. I have no patience for the indecisiveness.

I'm a bad person.
I've been neglecting my blogs like the plague. I guess it's because I feel like I have nothing important to say or to contribute to this world. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and a lot of soul searching and I've finally come to the conclusion that I'm going to be okay.
There was a time there where I did think I was going to make it. Its over now, I know I'll be okay.

These past couple months have been so weird, akward, and confusing. 3rd year ended, I failed my first course ever, all of my roommates moved out- with the exception of one who is only around until September- new roommates moved in, I didn't get my dream job for the summer, I started a new job and I moved rooms. If thats not enough to push somebody to their breaking point- I don't know what is. I spent a month at home and I was miserable.

But here comes the sunshine. My break down resulted in a new found respect from my parents, an increase in my bank account, the opportunity to visit my cottage for a weekend and a solid sense of self.

Friendships seem to be strengthening and weakening at the same time. I've realized that you don't have to spend every second with somebody in order for them to be your best friend. But you do need to make an effort. I've realized that if somebody stops trying to be your friend, then maybe it's a good thing. The less stress and the less drama in my life, the better off my emotions will be.

And the saying is true. As soon as you let something go, it always comes back to you.

"What Hurts The Most"

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been

And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to

-Rascal Flatts

The heavy feeling in my chest hasn't left. I thought that if I forgot about you for a little while, it would get better. But as I lay still in my bed at night, I feel like I am being crushed. I can't breath, I can't sleep, and I can't stop crying.

You know what you've done to me. And I know you are sorry. I know you didn't want to hurt me and I know you still care for me. That is why it makes it so hard to not be with you.

Everybody says you are an asshole until I explain the situation. Every time without fail I get the "ohhh" face and the pouty look that says, you found a nice guy, and you let him get away.

I feel like I did something to push you away, when in fact, I have been pushing you away for the past 2 years. The past couple months I have realized that if I lost you, it would be the worst thing to happen to me. I started to pay attention to you, to try to show you I care. But it was thrown back into my face. You let yourself go, right when I was in too deep.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel. My stomach turns when I think of you. I just wish you would show up and say that you made a mistake. Then give me a hug and pick me up and tell me I'm the one. I dream about that moment. This is unhealthy.

I just wish, for once, that my dreams would come true.

As the big fat tears come streaming down my face, I can't help but place a meaning on each one. One tear for the first time we held hands, one tear for the giant bear hug I got every time I saw you, one tear for the last time we kissed. I'm overwhelmed by emotions, not because of what you said, but because of my past. Here I am, alone again.

Having invested everything into you, my willingness to change my life for you, to be destroyed with 4 little simple words. 4 words I hear every day, but put together create a life altering experience. I-still-love-her. 4 simple simple words that change my being.

I let myself get in too deep again. I jumped in with two feet to only find myself drowning in my own tears- again. I didn't learn the first time. I should have learned.
I shouldn't have let you be that person for me. I am strong, and independent. Why am I crumbling and depending on you?

I don't want to move on. I want to find me amongst the ashes of my life.
I just want to stand still.

Just like word vomit, it comes spewing out of my mouth.
"I miss you, I love you."
Except you aren't around to hear it.
I told you years ago not to fall in love with me. I was building up a wall around me, to protect me from getting hurt again.
Sometimes I feel that as soon as a put a brick in place, you take it away. I am left in a perpetual state of the unknown.
Sometimes I feel that you help me put the brick up, unsure of yourself.

Just pick a side! Make a decision so I can!
I want to leave it up to you, just incase I'm wrong.
You like to feel like the man. Dominating in every aspect of the word.
Is this for real? Or still a silly highschool game?
Give me direction!

There are so many thoughts and emotions going through my head that it would be impossible for me to get them all out. So I am bringing back the bulleted blog.

• Sometimes people aren't who you expected them to be. Sometimes they can be better!
• I got lost for a little bit. But I'm back on track, and very thankful for that.
• Hitting another girl was the most satisfying thing I have done in a very long time.
• Music is my passion.
• I will do anything for my parents acceptance and love. I constantly feel like I need to out-do myself.
• You have NO idea how inconvienent it is to have a broken/jammed finger. It governs your entire day.
• You surprised me with your answer. What I thought was a healing session turned into a personal attack. I admitted my mistakes, and you threw it in my face. I just needed you to say that it was okay.
• It is possible to love somebody for years, and not even know it.
• I finally have a reason to smile.
• Sex and the City covers every topic! I can completly relate to every episode.
• I see you in my dreams, you speak to me, you comfort me, and I have no idea who you are.
• My ex boyfriend just got engaged to the girl he cheated on me with. If that isn't a reality check, I don't know what is!
• It's impossible to know where you are going if you don't know where you've been.
• My Dad will always be my hero.
• 'What-ifs' ruin lives
• You frusterate me so much. You tell me you want me, you feed me lines about how you wouldn't talk to me if you weren't interested, but I haven't seen you in over a month... and we live down the street from eachother.
• That smile makes me turn to Jello every time.
• I'm reconnecting with old friends, and I am the happiest I have been in years.
• Football is probably the best sport in the entire world.
• I really shouldn't talk to you. You are happy, in a relationship and she's expecting your child. I don't like being the woman you think about. We're just friends, but I know you want more.
• If I close my eyes, I can still feel your hand in mine.
• I got my nipple pierced, and I am so happy with how it looks. And the shock on people's faces when they find out makes my night.
• I've become a small WLUSU celebrity.
• Hearing my brother say that I have great friends, validates to me that I actually do.
• I can't make a decision about this summer. My heart and my Brain are pulling me in opposite directions.
• I will ALWAYS find something to procrastinate, even sleeping.
• I may have figured out what I want to do with my life. And I may have found out how I'm going to get started.
• You make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
• I signed a lease tonight with my new roommates. I'm excited, but it's not going to be the same.
• You made my night.. and you probably don't even know it.
• I've given up on you. You are just one person who I'll never figure out.
• Two of my cousins are getting married and two of my friends are getting married in the next year.. and I'm struggling to find a date to go to these weddings.
• I have never wanted to be with you more than I do right now.

I don't know where to start.
I've fallen into a deep hole and I don't know how to get out. Nobody has notice that I've been slipping, and most importantly, nobody seems to care.
Emotions are hard to rationalize, because emotions are not always rational.
School has started up again, and when I look up at my calendar I see a jumbled mess of blue, green, red and black writing signifying my many commitments. I feel tied down. I feel like I am being held here against my own will. I need to get out. I feel trapped in my room. I only leave when I need to. My roommates have been turning their backs on me and shutting doors in my face. It's hard to feel welcome in such a cold place. They have no idea about my thoughts or emotions. But it's not their fault. They are so absorbed in their own life and making decisions about their future. It's okay. I put on a good front.
I guess I feel like I'm going to be left behind. Maybe I'm looking too deep into some actions. My biggest fear is that they are going to leave and never look back. That as soon as this semester is over, I'm going to lose great friends because of the future. Damn future.

I want to go home, but when I'm home, I don't want to be there. It's a double edged sword. It's the only place I feel welcome, but the only place I can't be myself. I don't think I have a reason to cry. I'm privileged. I don't pay for my education, I don't pay for rent. I have an opportunity to do something great with my life; an opportunity people are killing for. But what is my goal? To tell you the truth, I don't have one. Some people look at my life and don't understand why I feel the way I do. My parents are amazing, they are so accommodating and our house is full of love. They would go to the end of the earth and back for me- as long as it doesn’t interfere with my brothers. It's hard to explain. I'm the oldest of 3. They have always put more pressure on me to be the best, be a good example for the boys and be independent. As soon as I left home, that was it. They started cutting ties, and I'm just not ready yet. I need to slow down.

The future is coming so fast. Everything I have been dreaming about and working towards is suddenly at my feet. I might make a wrong decision. What if I do? What happens then?

It's unnerving to see some people taking the right steps forward. People are making plans for the future together. A future life, marriage, babies, the whole nine yards. Why did these people find each other, while some of us are still swimming in the dating pool? Why has there been nobody who I could have a life with yet? How do you know if you've met the right person? How do you know if you've met the wrong person? How do you know anything? What if I never find my fish?

My life is like a puzzle. All of the pieces fit together so nicely, but it will never look complete unless everything is in its rightful place. I can bang and move pieces around to try to make them fit, but it just won't work if that piece belongs to another puzzle. I just need to find all the pieces.