It's not supposed to be this hard. If it's right, it should be easy.

I feel like I'm trying to fit a square peg in a circular hole - it's impossible.

I feel like you don't trust me. I've never done anything to make you think that I have been unfaithful or doing shady things behind your back. I'm not you.

I don't text other guys to meet up, I don't have memberships on dating websites, I don't try to get laid. I'm not you. Stop treating me like I am doing those things. What you don't know about me is that I am a very nervous person. I don't like dating or getting to know other people. I like being comfortable and predictable. I like having a schedule and I don't like new things. I HATE change. I would never do anything to rock the boat. That's just not me.

I'm getting really tired of trying all by myself. I'm pushing you away again. I don't know if you care or even notice. Maybe it's what you want. I don't know. Maybe everything you have done is trying to get me to break up with you. When one doesn't work, you do something worse and worse until I crack. Maybe I should just listen to your actions, not your words.

I'm at my limit with life. I'm breaking down piece by piece. I'm pushing my friends away. I'm beginning to live two lives. I can't do this anymore. I need a cohesive life. I can't lie anymore. It is stressing me out beyond belief.

The following needs to change:

• My current relationship with Tom. Either we're together or we're not.
• Find a job.
• Move out of my parents house.
• Get my health under control.
• Work out a plan to get my mental health under control.
• Start paying down my debt.
• My friendships.
• Get rid of all negative things in my life.

Things that make me happy:

• Crawling into my bed after a long day.
• Things with a little bit of sparkle.
• Big colourful things like hot air balloons or amusement park rides.
• Things that remind me of being a kid.
• Sleeping until my body wakes up.
• A great conversation when I learn things about people that I didn't know already.
• Feeling that I look good.
• Visiting a new place.
• Going exploring.
• Seeing things from a different point of view.
• Running into old friends.
• Knowing that somebody loves me.
• Being able to fall asleep and not worry about life's challenges.

I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm stressed. I'm angry. I have small moments of happiness, but not enough to qualify as happy. I'm on the negative side of life.

Starting today, nobody remains in my life who does not respect and love me. People who constantly bring me down are gone. Everybody is on their last chance. This is it. I'm at the end of my rope. I have negative feelings constantly, and that is not me. This means that I am being negative based on actions of others. If I cut out those actions, the negative should go with it.

Caitlin: STOP!!! You know it hurts me when you say bad things about him. Constantly questioning me is pushing me away from you. I don't tell you everything anymore. I haven't for a very long time. Live your own damn life and leave mine alone. I will make decisions based on what I want. I'm allowed to fall down and pick myself up again. I'm allowed to. That is how I will learn and maybe this is my path. Maybe it's not. But it is MY RIGHT to try and see what happens.

Mom: I'm not your bitch. I live in the hole in the basement, use a grand total of four rooms in this house. And they are all clean. Please stop requiring that your entire house is spotless when you come home. I don't use them. If they are dirty, it is because you, your husband or your child did it. You should have them clean up their mess. Also, NO you don't have to know where I am at every moment of the day. I'm 24 years old. Did your mom know where you were then? NOPE! I'm not a teenager, stop treating me as such.

Tom: Just love me. Do things to make me happy, not sad. Treat me like your equal, not your enemy. I'm here for you, but you aren't letting me. Open yourself up and see what happens. I'm not the enemy. I'm supposed to be your partner. So stop treating me like I'm a child. I'm a big girl, I can handle a couple bad things here and there. Treat me like you want to be treated, with love and respect.

Body: Start cooperating with me.

Betrayal

With every relationship there is bound to be some betrayal. It's just human nature. Everybody is in it for themselves. It goes against everything everybody stands for to hurt themselves. But what if you body is hurting itself? I'm being betrayed by myself. The only person I've learned to trust has now betrayed me. Like I haven't been through enough this year...

Something is happening and I don't know how to stop it. I feel lethargic, my stomach hurts, I'm bleeding non stop, I have headaches, I've stopped losing weight and I'm more emotionally driven than before. I get angry very quickly, I don't listen when I argue, I cry all the time for no reason.... What the hell is going on?

Is it stress? Maybe. I have been through hell and back in the past couple months. I've questioned everything in my life. I have no safe place. No person to confide in. I feel constantly on edge and alone.

I just want stability. I want to be happy again. I want to feel successful and wanted. I want to feel like there is a purpose to me being here.

I'm scared.

Our conversation keeps running through my head... "I don't know how to act in a relationship" "I love you, I'm sorry" "Please Kelly, I love you."

I have no ill will towards you. The hatred is gone. I just feel empty and on the verge of tears at every moment. The question on my mind is... should I give it one more shot? I've put so much time and effort into "us" and I've told you how I want to be treated. I hung in there through everything. I'm not mad you slept with her. You had every right to. I was upset you lied to me about it when I was so upset to begin with. I'm mad that you couldn't respect me enough to say, listen, I slept with somebody else when I thought you were never going to speak to me again. I think I should get tested before we sleep together. Or maybe we should use a condom just in case. You were doing so well these past two weeks, with two exceptions that I don't have to say. I actually felt like you wanted to be with me, and you would do anything to be with me. I've never felt more wanted by you- ever.

BUT... what if this is just a reality for you for the rest of your life? You are just programmed to lie, cheat, steal, whatever. What if that is in your genetic make-up and something that you cannot change in yourself.

I'd be willing to give it another shot if I knew for sure that you would never make me feel this way again. If you never lied to me about big things (work, school, other women, your parents/family, where you are - if I asked of course, your love for me.) If I knew that you were 1,000,000% in this with me, to have me as your partner in crime so to speak. To have me as your lobster. I would take you back in an instant. But I don't know that. And you won't show me that.

You said yesterday that you don't know how to act in a relationship. From my experiences with you, this is what you do and what you need to do to keep your partner happy. Please read these. I am not being malicious, I am simply trying to help you out in the event that you find yourself in another relationship. Hopefully this helps.

What you do:

• You open doors for me, or if you don't, you always put your hand on my lower back to help me through the door. This shows that you cared about me and it shows respect. The touch is also nice.
• You let me, be me. You laughed with me not at me when I made a mistake or when I was singing in the car. You always turned on a song that I knew when we were driving in your car. You took me to the farmers market when I wanted to go and you humoured me when I wanted to see the cows.
• You randomly held my hand when we were driving.
• You layed with me when I needed to be held. You let me cry on your shoulder when I needed it.
• You looked at my work when I needed a second set of eyes.
• You loved my dog.
• You showered with me.
• Once you introduced me to your family, you made an effort to invite me to dinners, bbq's etc.
• When I asked, you had a date night with me.
• You had fun with me.

What you need to do:

• Be more open. Talk to your girl on a daily basis. In person is always best, but if you do find somebody who lives further away, like I did, then call her, or use Skype.
• Communication is the key. Make her feel like she is a part (and important part!!!) of your life. For example, you should have told me Adam left Julie the day you found out. Not two days later in casual conversation. You know how you talk to Alex and tell him the big things first? That's how you should talk to your girlfriend. Tell her the big things first. Even if they don't apply to her. It will make her feel connected to your life, and thus, connected to you.
• Plan a date night all by yourself. It doesn't have to be big, a movie works just fine. It means a lot to know that you cleared your schedule because you wanted to take me out. No friends, no family, just us.
• Treat her the way you want to be treated. If you want to be cheated on, lied to and left broken hearted, then go ahead and do those things to your girl. If you want to be loved, happy and secure, then make your girl feel that way.
• It's all about communication.
• Stop hiding things. I understand you like to keep some things to yourself, but it only hurt our bond in the end. Keep things to yourself that she would have no way of finding out about, OR being upset about if she did find out. Example: keep what you had for dinner to yourself. Tell her you failed a test. See the difference?
• I know you have your pride, but to quote Fabolous "It's okay to lose your pride over someone you love. Don't lose someone you love though over your pride. Stick wit'cha entree and get over your side" - Baby don't Go.
• Everybody makes mistakes. But be honest about them. By admitting your mistakes, the trust between you two will be stronger. Yes, you may fight. But just think of the make-up sex. If you are honest, you can't go wrong. There is no need to make a bad situation worse by lying about it. It is like a double whammy for your girl.
• I know all of your friends sleep around, but follow your heart. If you love somebody, don't sleep with anybody else until that love is gone. It isn't fair to you, the person you are sleeping with or the person you love. Just in case that person comes back to you and gives you another chance. You don't want to give them any reason to leave you again.

I hope this helped maybe a little bit. I know it helped me to get it all out.

I guess the new chapter has officially begun. Up next for me... landing a job and getting my own place.

You told me you loved me... I believed you
You told me you were sorry... I believed you
You told me you would never hurt me again... I believed you
You told me you wanted to protect me... I believed you
You told me you wanted a life with me... I believed you
You told me I was the only one... I believed you
You told me you were a changed man... I believed you

You looked me in the eyes and told me you loved me... my heart melted.
You touched my hands, my arms, my shoulder, my face, my back... I melted
You took your love away from me... I cried
You rubbed my back and whispered in my ears... I leaned closer

My phone vibrates... my heart skips a beat


I'm still hopelessly in love with you and I don't know why. I wish they could make a pill that makes love go away. But then again... why would anybody want it to go away when you have to work so hard to find it in the first place.

Nav was right - I deserve to be alone. I'm worthless
Nick was right - No man will ever take me seriously
Dave was right - I'm a bitch
Tom was right - I'm a fool

I don't understand why I do this to myself. He is bad for me. He is bad for every woman out there. He doesn't respect me or my body, he claims to love me when everybody knows that is not true, he is just everything wrong.

But I can't stop thinking about how good it feels to be with him. I must be crazy. Kelly what the hell are you doing. No matter what I do, my mind always goes back to that place...

I can't believe today's exposures. I can't believe his stupidity. I told him at 9 a.m. I would know... I told him cancer doesn't get prescriptions... I told him he had one last chance to tell me the truth. I told him all of that. He still said, Kelly I promise, it was you and only you. Fucking lying sack of shit.

Think about this for a minute... I wonder how his sister would respond to him knowing what he has just done to me.. and knowing that her husband just left her. I wonder what she would tell him. He had it all and he didn't even know it. But maybe he is addicted to the drama. He said he wanted to tell me when I was happy and with him. WHY???? So that he could watch me cry? So that I could tell him to his face how much I hated him?? SERIOUSLY???? What the fuck is wrong with people!

He said he wanted to spend more time with me but knew it would come to an end. Then why drag it out? Do you not care about me and my feelings at all? Do you not see the psychological damage you have caused me already? Do you WANT to put me in the loony bin? Maybe that's why Jessica went. It all makes sense now.