Sometimes you just need to sit back and say, what the hell am I doing?

I'm not happy... why? What am I doing to perpetuate this unhappiness? What can I do to stop the stresses that are leading to unhappiness? What actions can I take to bring happiness into my life?

Life can generally be divided up into five categories. Life in general, relationships, career, family, health.

Life in General: Activities, hobbies, financials

Relationships: friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, networking, animals

Career: current job, future career projections and goals

Family: immediate family, extended family, in laws

Health: General feeling of health, doctor appointments, secondary doctor appointments including chiropractor, massage, dentist, optometrist

It's easy to isolate a feeling if you can pinpoint where the initial problem exists. From there it's easy to create a solution to integrate into your life.

SO... with all of this said, here is where my problems or stressers lay.

Life in General - General feeling of being displaced due to the recient move and change in cities. I have a good handle on my current debt but I see the value in paying down the large amounts faster. More money is going towards the principle and my interest payments are going down. However, I am still very heavily in debt.

Relationships - I am mourning the loss of two very good friends due to their choices and lifestyles. I am uncomfortable with my current romantic relationship.

Career - No real stressers here. It is more of an ongoing stresser to ensure that I am/can be/will be the best and to push my career forward.

Family - Ongoing underlying stresser with my Dad. Personality conflicts with cousins

Health - Feeling tired all of the time physically, not mentally. Intense sharp pains in my stomach when stressed. Uncomfortable in my body due to recent weight gain due to health issue.

So, how am I going to fix it. Obviously I am feeling not well, unhappy, dragged down and displaced. Here is what I plan to do.

Life in General - Feeling of being displaced - This will fade as I become more accustomed to my new environment and begin to form a regular pattern again. Once I get my own space and can have the things that make me comfortable around me, I will feel more at home. Continue on my debt repayment plan, but also make sure to put money aside for other things that will make me happy in the future, such as my RRSP, TFSA and a savings account.

Relationships - I am considering seeking out a therapist to discuss my feelings of abandonment in regards to my broken friendships. Perhaps this is an opportunity for me to explore the current friendships I have an to make an effort to hold those together as well. I feel like I do put in a lot of effort with my friends but I'm sure there is room for improvement. As for my current romantic relationship, it has been a bumpy ride. We really need to have some private time and have a heart to heart and see what each of us is looking for in a relationship and with their life and be brutally honest with each other to see if we do actually fit into each others lives. There is nothing wrong with fighting to save a relationship, but there also is nothing wrong with parting ways due to a lack of a future together. I respect him and if I don't fit into his goals and views for his future, and vice versa, then there is no point in continuing a relationship if it is just going to end. Might as well end it now while we can still be friendly, supportive and civil.

Career - I plan on just moving forward and attaining my goals.

Family - Perhaps this is another issue I can speak with a therapist about. I'm sure there are exercises I can do to help get rid of the negative feelings I house for my Dad. Unfortunately my relationships with some of my cousins just isn't worth working on. For others that I do have a positive, reciprocal relationship with, of course they are worth it.

Health - I am continuing to seek out medical treatment for the pain and weight gain. I am joining a gym before December and I plan on making a committed effort to exercise regularly. I am considering hiring a personal trainer to keep me motivated as that seems to be what holds me back. I am also seeing a Chiropractor to help with the pain in my back and a massage therapist to help reduce stress.

So I guess I still have a ways to go. I have some research to do in the way of a therapist and a gym. Once I get settled in my apartment I believe I will feel more settled with my life. And it is clear that I have some work ahead in the relationship department.

My goals in the next month are:

• To move into my apartment and set myself up.
• Seek out a gym and join
• Research therapists and what my benefits plan will cover
• Find activities in the community that will help me feel more at home (Sorority, cooking classes, fitness classes)
• Discuss relationship goals and access a future

My goals in the next 6 months are:

• Loose weight
• Plan for a promotion
• Take a vacation
• Pay down my debt by $3000
• Start a rainy day fund
• Re access relationship goals and future talk if necessary

My goals in the next year are:

• Plan a vacation every 6 months or so (cottage in the summer, somewhere hot in the winter) and put money aside to afford it.
• Begin the push for a promotion/increased salary
• Save $1000 to put into my TFSA

As with everything, it's important to look ahead but also look behind. It's the night before my 25th Birthday. Well, technically I turn 25 in 38 minutes. Twenty Five... wow.

It's amazing how much has happened in 25 short years. I feel like I'm just getting started, but I've made it over the first couple of really big hills. I have accomplished a lot for somebody my age, and I consider myself lucky to be able to list those accomplishments. I recognize that what I have done is not a small feat, but instead, they are check marks on a bigger list that not many people have the opportunity to do.

It is scary to turn 25, and I have to admit that I am sitting here crying as I write this. But I can't decide if these tears are upset, scared or happy tears - maybe a mix of all three.

I told myself that I never want to regret anything, and maybe regret isn't the right word, but at this moment I can't think of anything that fits. I regret not enjoying everything. I feel like I rushed through life to get to that "check mark" and I missed the plot. I rushed through high school to get out of my parents place, I rushed through University to get to Grad school so I could tell people that I have a University degree and am in Grad school. I rushed through Grad school because I was tired of being broke and wanted to do something real. I rushed through my Internship because I thought I was better than being "the intern" and I wanted to prove myself. Now I've rushed through my first year of real world work, and what do I have to show? Just a lot of rushed experiences, a couple pieces of very expensive paper and I still have the attitude that I'm better than this.

So now that I can officially call myself older and wiser than the younger me (because I'm no longer in my early twenties), I'm going to make a vow to myself. I vow to push myself every day to be better than I am. I vow to stop and enjoy life every day. I vow to be nicer to myself and to others. I vow to not take life so seriously.

So, in order to make myself feel a bit better, here is a list of everything I've accomplished in 25 short years:

• I have been a very good big sister and helped to raise two excellent little brothers
• I have helped my parents reach their dream of running a successful business
• I have made one life long friend
• I have graduated from Elementary School and High school on time
• I have earned a University Degree
• I have earned a Post-Secondary Certificate in the field that I chose
• I have made a name for myself in my community doing something I love
• I have been there for many friends when they needed me
• I have bought my first car
• I have taken a vacation for myself
• I have adopted and taken care of a wonderful dog
• I have lived by myself
• I have been responsible for myself financially
• I have fallen in love, and had my heart broken more than once
• I have taken many chances

As much as I hate knowing that those years are behind me, I know that I have some more huge milestones coming up. Watching my friends get married and have babies, buying a house, getting engaged, planning my own wedding, having a baby myself, getting my dream job...

I vow to not let these times get away from me. Life is a journey and I'm excited to see where it takes me.

Friends come and go. Relationships are hard and easily die. With the death of something, there are always people left behind feelings get hurt. This year has been a difficult one for me because I've come to realize that I don't have that many good friends.

There are many different kinds of friends. Ones that you hang out with when you have nothing else to do, ones you make time for and ones that will always have your back.

I've learned who I am, who I want to be and how to get there through my friends. I never really got it when I was younger that your "best friends forever" never really stay that way. Friendship is really based on life stages. It's impossible to maintain a friendship if each party is in a different life stage. I learned this the hard way when I went to University and my "BFF's" stayed in Barrie making babies and working at Walmart. I learned this again when I went to Seneca and my "BFF's" got jobs and entered the real world. You would think that the second time is a charm, but again, I've learned when I entered the real world and life got busy.

The death of a friendship is hard and I've been carrying these hardships with me for months. I need to get them off my shoulders.

Caitlin
Katelyn
Angela

Jealousy, selfishness and anger all played a part in the death of these relationships. I guess you find out who your real friends are when you become successful. It's surprising how many people get off on holding you down.

"It's plain to see that, baby you're beautiful, and theres nothing wrong with you.
It's me, I'm a freak. But thanks for loving me, cause you're doing it perfectly.
There might have been a time when I would let you slip away.
I wouldn't even try but I think you could save my life..."

TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43 now at $14,228.43. Difference of $200
Mastercard - $10,056.06 now at $8122.66. Difference of $1933.40
OSAP - $6,378.08 now at $6,292.66. Difference of $85.42

Since I started my quest to end my debt, I've paid off $2218.82 - and counting!

It feels great to be in control. These numbers are still way too high, but slowly they are coming down.

What goes around, comes around.

Well, as I said last week, I firmly believe in Karma. If you send positive energy out there, you will receive positive energy in return.

I spent my last $70 on a man I had never met before so he could go home and visit his daughter. This week, just days later, I get an e-mail from my Mom saying that my parents were talking and they want to help me out with some of my debt repayment - to the tune of $1500.

Holy

Crap

Just to clarify, this came out of nowhere. I have not mentioned money to my parents at all in the past month or so. I have been doing well for myself and keeping up with my payments. They just decided to do this as a gift. A really BIG gift.

So there you have it folks, what goes around, comes around. Be nice to others, and others will be nice to you.

What am I doing? I feel out of control. I'm second guessing my decisions. I feel numb.

I usually know what the right decision is because my emotions tell me so. I usually have such an overwhelming feeling of right or wrong it's obvious. But I don't know this time. I think I've been damaged to the point where my emotional nerves have been paralyzed. I'm lost without my emotional compass.

Talking about Shea last night gave me the chills. It's been a secret I've held inside of me, thought about on a daily basis, kept inside of me... then suddenly it was coming out of my mouth. My little secret. I feel kind of guilty in a way because I've held it in for so long.

But then you talked about her, like she was a part of your life too. In your day dreams, your imagination. I'm not alone. There's something comforting in that.

I'm always going to wonder, "what if..."

Life is different. I'm not sure if it's better or worse - just different.

I make plans for me. I do what I want to. I make dinner for one. I wake up alone, I go to bed alone.

I vow to make life what I want it to be. And this is what I want:

• A career that is going someplace
• A man who adores me
• A well behaved dog

I want a man who:

• Takes care of himself and takes care of me
• Is thoughtful
• Thinks about "us" instead of just me or just him
• Values a relationship
• Is loyal, faithful, and respectful
• Is charming
• Loves me for me
• Knows how to communicate
• Can be happy with just one woman
• Is honest, regardless of the consequences
• Is able to commit
• Has life goals
• Supports himself

I stayed late at work yesterday. I just couldn't bring myself to go home. I cried the entire way to work on the subway and not one person asked me if I was OK or offered me a tissue. I didn't want to face that cold world again feeling the way I was.

Around 7 I gathered up my things and left, hoping that I missed the rush and I could get home unnoticed. There was a man just a couple years older than me at the entrance to the subway station - he had a sign that read "Need bus fare to go home. I'm sorry. There is no other way."

His face looked like how I felt. I instantly connected with him and my heart went out to him. I didn't have any cash on me, but then I remembered that I had $5 in my purse that I had taken out on Saturday for Tom. I put it in his cup and the look he gave me broke my heart. He was crying. He was clearly embarrassed that he was begging. He looked me in the eye and said, thank-you, I'm trying to get home to see my daughter. I really appreciate it.

I sat down next to him and asked him where he was going and he told me his life story. The bus station was just around the corner so I told him to come with me. I walked with him to the bus station and bought him a ticket to Ottawa.

I used my grocery money to buy that ticket - but he needed it more than I did.

I fully believe in Karma. What goes around, comes around. And as selfish as this sounds, it made me feel better as a person to be able to change somebody's life like that. So maybe, one day, when I just need somebody to sit down and talk to me and help me get where I need to go, somebody will be there.

The little butterflies are there again. Very small, but still a nice reminder that not all hope is lost. The text messages in the morning are a wonderful reminder that I am still attractive. I'm smiling again, through my pain.

If he could find somebody to talk to on POF, so can I, and I have.

So far only one has given me small butterflies, but I'm positive that is going to change.

The power of positive thinking changes everything.

To be single, or not to be single, that is the question.

I love being in a relationship. The idea that there is one person who will be there for me and I can tell everything to is delightful. Somebody I can share my stress with, and my hopes and fears and goals. Somebody whose been with me the whole way and knows how big each milestone is. There is such intimacy that comes with knowledge of another person's life.

On the flip side, a bad relationship seems to suck the life out of you. A relationship when you can't trust what the other person is saying. How great can those life milestones be if you aren't sure that the other person even cares? How can you share your hopes, feelings or goals when you aren't certain that person will keep that knowledge a secret? What is the point?

How can it survive when one person is so selfish, they'd rather talk to 16 other women out of boredom when they realize that it will hurt you? But they'll do it anyways because everything is about them, you just fit in when they have nothing else to do. It's all for show.

Yes, he has this great girlfriend who cooks dinner for all of his friends. Always takes an interest in his friends lives and is nothing but pleasant to them? On the outside, everything is perfect. But the minute this great girlfriend leaves, the computer calls him. Maybe he likes the anonymity. Maybe he likes that he can be anybody he wants to be, an employed, Laurier football player who is responsible enough to buy a house and take care of his own dog. Maybe he likes the reaction he gets from these women. Maybe it's a ego boost. Maybe he doesn't see that there is a woman who liked him for who he was. He always has to be somebody he's not.

Obviously he sees that he's not living up to his potential, and in order to feed that need to be accepted, he's creating an alter ego. The problem is, his alter ego is not who he is. And his alter ego is going to lose the woman he loves, the woman who accepts him for who he is.

If he's so unhappy with his life that he needs to create an alternate life online, then he can't possibly be happy with me. So maybe it would be in every body's best interest for him to go on with his alternate universe and receive the praise he obviously feels that he deserves. And for me to continue living on in the present and concentrate on my career, losing weight and being happy. Just me, all alone. Just me. And Lexie, of course.

It feels great to be in control. In control of my career, in control of my emotions, in control of my finances. I feel like many many weights have been lifted off of my shoulders.

TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43 now at $14,278.43
Mastercard - $10,056.06 now at $9,258.14
OSAP - $6,378.08

And I'm sitting with over $500 in the bank. I still have some bills to pay, but there are groceries in the kitchen and a roof over my head.

And I had a wonderful weekend. Even though I was not feeling that great, I still feel happy from the inside out.

Happy 200th post to me!

Well Momma comes through again. With a generous donation to the poor Kelly fund, my Mom has brought my Mastercard debt down to $9,908.14!

Stay tuned on Friday when I finally get paid and will be able to pay this debt off even more.

Anticipated income this month:
Pay Cheque: 1,064.66 times 2 = $2129.32
Reimbursements for benefits: $97 + $40 + $87 = $224
Income Tax Refund: $1339.28
May rent from Jenna: $500
Tom Repayment: $100

Which all equals... drum roll please....
$4292.60

Minus out rent for May ($950) =$3342.60
Minus out MetroPass ($110) = $3232.60
Minus out food budget ($250) = $2982.60
Minus out entertainment (cause I'd like to treat my hunny to a movie/dinner. $100) = $2882.60
Minus out gas for my car ($60) = $2822.60

So all in all, I will have around $2822.60 to go towards my debt repayment this month, which is pretty sweet! I defiantly need to take advantage of this increase this month, however, with the extra money I am receiving I will be spending more on food to stock up my shelves/freezer while I have the cash so if I have another slim month, I'll at least be able to eat.

Since I've been writing all of this down, I'm feeling really good about it. Even though my debt is over $30,000, I can see an ending in sight. It is shocking me to see that even an extra $11 a month can cut off one full year of payments.

Plus, I'm lined up to get a raise this month which will be back dated to April 1. So even though it will only be a little amount I'll be getting at once, I'm going to use that money to treat myself to something nice.

There was one set back this month. I now owe my Mom money as well. $700 for the cottage for a week and York University has come after us for unpaid parking tickets. Even though its been over a year since I went there. Anyways, it is over $1000 so once I get that final sum, I can add it to my debt. yay....

I'm going to turn this into a game. Lets see if I can 'beat the bank' and pay down my loans faster than they said I could. Lets see if I can save myself hundreds in interest.

Here's how I'm going to do it.

Tax refund - $1339.28
$1000 is going onto my credit card. If I continue to pay my monthly payments of $200 after that, it will take me around 4.5 years to pay off my debt. That is taking 3.5 years off of my debt repayment.
$339.28 is going on my TD line of Credit. This brings my total down to $14089.15. If I continue to pay $150 a month after that, it will take me just under 8 years to pay off. Not as spectacular but it does knock a couple months off.

OSAP- Current monthly payment - $88.15
If I pay $11.85 more a month, I take my loan repayment down from 86 months (7.16 years) to 74 months (6.16 years) and save myself $163.44 in interest.

So all in all, this plan is going to take roughly 4.1 years off of my total repayment which sounds pretty sweet to me.

Next step... get a raise/better paying job/second job and throw that money on my credit card to get it down to a more reasonable level.

I need a change. I feel trapped. I need to feel free again.

TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43
Current payment -$150 a month
Interest rate - 3.25% (roughly $44.03 a month)
Started at $15,000. $571.57 paid down since November
Will take around 8 years to pay off with current payments.

Mastercard - $10,056.06
Current payment - Whatever I can spare. Usually around $200 a month
Interest rate - 19% (Roughly $172.94 a month)
Will take around 8 years to pay off with current payments

OSAP - $6,378.08
Current payment - $88.15 a month
Interest rate - $4.75% ($25.73 a month)
Started at $6683.88. $305.80 paid down since November
Will take around 6 years to pay off with current payments

This means I'm paying $438.15 a month in debt repayment. With $242.70 a month in interest payments. I'm paying only $195.45 a month directly to my debt, the rest is interest payments. How can I get ahead with that?
I need to pay these down in order to feel in control. This means I need to up my payments. The more I pay down, the less my interest payments will be.

How can I do this? I'm living dollar to dollar now. Soon I'll be without a car and will have to pay for transportation. How can I do this?

I need a change. And fast.

There's something comfortable about the thought. Something scary. Something happy and something worrying.

There are many things that need to happen first.

1. Get a job in the Kitchener area
2. Have him ask me
3. Decide that it is the right time to move in
4. Talk with my parents about it
5. Talk with his parents about it
6. Discuss where to live
7. Finalize furniture placement/sell unneeded furniture

If he wants me to move into his current house, this needs to happen:

1. Discuss changing the house to suit us.
2. Find the money to make those changes
3. Discuss the current/future roommate situation

I'm actually excited about the prospect of moving. I think I'd be more excited about going and looking at places for us to live together. His house might work for us for a little while but we would not be happy there for a long while. I can see us in a three story house with a modernized flair. A large bedroom with an en suite bathroom - stand up shower AND a soaker tub. A walk in closet. At least one extra bedroom, if not two. A backyard with grass and a deck, maybe a little garden that I can plant flowers in. An open concept kitchen with an island. A basement with a bathroom.

Ah to dream, right?

Concern #1, prep the parents so that IF I get a job there and IF he asks me to move in and IF we decide that it is the right time, there will be less stress/questions. Cause we all know I don't deal with change well when everything is going right in my life, I can only imagine how upset I'll be if I don't have peace in other aspects of my life.

Our lives don't mesh. He likes to stay up late, I go to bed early. I like peace and quiet, his house is always busy and loud. I like order and planning, he goes where the wind blows him. I like to cook dinner and make my lunch every day for work, he never has food in the house.

If I move in with him, I'll have to bend to the way he lives his life because he would be my landlord, its his house, his rules. He could throw me out at any moment for no reason because he can.

I can just see me coming home from work, a house full of guys in the living room. All I'll be able to say is hello, take my dog for a walk, make dinner and go to bed. That Hello will be the extent of our conversations. We talk more now when we're apart than I can see us doing if we lived together. I would get up before him, probably be out the door before he wakes up. Yes we'll see each other all the time, but we'll grow apart very quickly.

The guys girlfriends will think I'm snobby or rude because they don't work the same hours I do and when they are just getting their day started, I'll be winding mine down and going to bed.

I don't think he's ready to give up some things that he does that would make me more comfortable if we were to live together. And I think he would resent me if that situation happened.

He always says he likes his things around him, so I wonder how he would react with my things around him as well. I'm a smart girl. How could I justify getting rid of my things to move in with somebody who has the power to kick me out at any minute?

Am I always going to wonder 'what if?'

I miss her. I'm sad that she'll never see the person she helped me be.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my wedding day. Not that I want to be married right now, but talking with my friends who are planning their wedding I've realized how much I already know about my wedding day. I know what I like, what I want to see and who I want there. I know that I'm going to cry all day - that's just a given. But I think I'm going to sad just as much as I am happy. I just see these memories, but they aren't memories. Like I've already lived through it but it hasn't happened yet. I just see my cousin Rebecca hugging me and crying and me breaking down saying that I wish Nannie was here. And I can see Rebecca crying with me and telling me how proud Nan is of me and telling me everything I would want to hear from her.

I know I'm going to cry during the father-daughter dance because I know my Dad is going to cry and tell me how much he loves me and is proud of me. And I know that is probably the last time I'll ever hear that. And I'll cry because I know he doesn't mean it. And I'll cry because that breaks my heart.

I'll cry because somebody else's family is going to welcome me with open arms and I just can't wait to hear my future parents-in-law's speech. I want them to talk about the first time they met me, and how happy they am that their son chose me and I want them to talk about our happy future together. And while they are talking I want my husband to squeeze my hand and smile at me and laugh at me as I cry. And I want him to hug me and tell me he loves me.

I know I want flowers everywhere. And candles too. I want an open bar. I want to be by water. I want beautiful pictures in the sunset. And I want somebody who loves me for me and who wants a future with me.

And I want my Nannie to be with me that day. I want her to show me that she is watching and I want to know that she loves me. But what if she was with me on that day? What would she say to me? What would she say to me now? Would she be proud of me? Would she take me shopping? Would she be that person I told everything to again?

I think what I miss most was the locked vault. I told her everything and never worried about her judging me. And I miss that escape. I wish I could just get everything out of my head and trust one person to keep my secrets.

I love ya Nan. Always have and always will.

Dear Tamara,

I appreciate your constructive criticism and your willingness to point out my flaws and where I can improve, however, I would appreciate it if, in the future, you could provide me with those criticism's in private.

I believe that I am a good, hardworking employee. I have been an asset to your team and I don't believe that you see that. I have provided critical support to the other team members and I have produced many valuable pieces of literature that has gone to print and has been met with nothing but praise from other members of the executive team. I've also increased your social media presence 400% in a short three months, which is impressive considering what your team was able to do in the prior 11 months. I've taken on extra responsibilities from my fellow co-workers in order to lighten their load. I've done so much overtime that I've banked two full days extra of vacation time. By these standards, it appears that I am a very helpful and dedicated employee.

I realize your boss gave you a hard time today because of an assignment you gave me, and I realize that maybe I could have done more on that e-blast, but as a new employee, it is very difficult to understand the nuances and inner workings of different departments. It is also very difficult to write about something that I knew nothing about and with no support, I had to do a lot of the research myself. I apologize if I did not get everything exactly correct as you would have, but that is the reason why I sent you those countless e-mails and tracked you down to ask questions. Unfortunately you were too busy to answer any of my e-mails and always brushed me aside and never answered my questions. So I was left to my own devices, which apparently don't measure up to your expectations.

I felt that, although I do not know everything there is to know about this company, any of my wording choices or information included would be corrected in the rigorous editing process I requested. As you can tell, I was not confident in my work or else I would have never e-mailed you many times asking for clarification and I wouldn't have asked four people to edit it before it came to you.

Maybe it's my fault for assuming that my co-workers would do their job. I guess that is my fault. But above all, when it finally made its way to you, I figured that as the VP of Brand Management, you would have an understanding of the type of image you want to project. And seeing that you are constantly in meetings with other members of the senior management team which is why you couldn't answer my e-mails or meet with me in the first place, I just assumed you knew what was going on in the other departments. My bad.

All this considered, you OK'ed this e-blast and asked for it to be sent to the CEO for final approval. For something "so shitty" as you put it, why would you put your final approval on it?

For your information, all of those "mistakes" and "errors" were done by the rest of your team - including yourself. It is very unfair to place the blame squarely on my shoulders when I asked for help and was ignored. It is not my fault that you approved something that was not up to the company's standards. We are supposed to be a team. That means when one person doesn't have the skills of knowledge, the other team members pick up the slack. I guess it was my fault for believing my co-workers when they made changes to my work. So while I accept my part in this problem, I believe you should acknowledge your part in this as well.

All this said, I do appreciate your constructive criticism, but next time, can you please approach me in private. I am working too hard at gaining respect in the office since I am the new kid, and you embarrassed me immensely. I have defiantly lost credibility with my co-workers, except for the few who sent me a private message telling me that it was OK and that you were out of line. As a team leader, you should be very concerned with team moral and right now, you are bringing down your team. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who has lost faith in this company and I believe that very soon you will find yourself short a couple of your key employees, and where will that lead you? If you are too busy to have a conversation about content, and your content writer leaves, who will write the content for you?

Yes I'm the new kid on the block, but you need me. You don't see what I have done and what I can do. You just see your mistake and you blamed it on me. I'll show you what I can do, and you will regret your decision to take your frustrations out on me when you are left alone.

With respect,

Kelly

I can't believe how much I hate him. And I can't believe how different my life would be if he wasn't in my life. And I can't see a future without him. But I hate him so much. I hate what he stands for, his beliefs, values and manners.

But I can't see major milestones in my life without him there. I want him to walk me down the isle when I get married, I want to see him fall asleep on the couch holding his first grandchild.

I want him to tell me he's proud of me and he loves me. But he never does. He gave me a rose for Valentines day because if he didn't, he would have looked like an ass hole because he's done it for so long. It didn't mean anything to me because I knew it was faked love.

I know I wouldn't be as successful as I am today because the only reason I pushed myself so hard was to impress him or to get him to notice me. I just wanted to hear "I'm proud of you" and it's never come.

I wonder if my Mom ever regretted choosing him to be the father of her children. How can you tell if somebody would make a good father? I've seen some guys be great to their girlfriends then leave the moment things get tough when their child is born. I've also seen shady guys become great parents. So what is it? Have a guy that treats you like shit so that he treats your kids good, or have a guy that treats you great and leaves you a single mother? I don't know.

How can one man change the life of one person so much. Maybe I am searching for something he was lacking in my relationships. Or maybe I'm searching for somebody who treats me exactly the same what he did.

And maybe that's why I can't say goodbye. I'm used to the abuse. I don't think I deserve to be treated better. That's what my psychologist said. I am currently searching for a man who treats me like my Dad does because that's all I know. But knowing how miserable I am with my relationship with my Dad, that means I am just bound to be unhappy in any relationship I choose. I'm destined to be upset until I change my way of thinking.

Here we go Kelly. You deserve to have a man who loves you, faults and all. You deserve a man who respects you. You deserve a man who is honest, loving and faithful to you. You deserve a man who can communicate with you. You deserve a man who is not the same as your Father. You deserve a real man, not a man who can't measure up to the person he's projected himself to be.

Will this work? I don't know.

The distance hurts. I'm stuck here, he's stubborn and won't move. It's all on my shoulders to make the move but how do I know when I give up my life here, change jobs, find an apartment there, move to a city where I have no friends anymore... how do I know that it will be better? If thus far is any indication as to how the rest of our relationship will be, I'd be the biggest idiot in the world to move there.

He's busy every night. Any chance he has to integrate his friends with me, he doesn't. So how do I know that I'm not going to be saved for the midnight bootie calls and one night a week dates. It would be practically the same. So whats the point in giving up my life for a bad relationship?

This is not how a relationship should be. I should not put up with being called a Bitch, and being told to Fuck Off when I get angry with his fuck ups. Obviously he hates me, why else would somebody be so mean. So whats the point? He hates me, I'm angry with him. We're both just being toxic to each other. Maybe this is just the end.

I just don't have the fight in me anymore. I should be respected, not disrespected. I should be loved, not hated. I should feel happy, not sad all the time. I should feel wanted.

I just..... don't know anymore.

I'm so angry. I can just feel it boiling up inside of me. Sometimes I let it get the best of me and let it all out. Unfortunately that is the only way I've been able to find to make myself feel better. I just don't know if he's for real. I always get sucked back into this little game he's playing because he promises it will be better, different, perfect. And that lasts about a week. I feel like the only time he's anywhere close to the man he claims he is, is when I find out something bad about him and he's on damage control.

Don't promise me you'll see me more when you cancel our date or don't make a date to begin with. Don't tell me you won't lie to me when you still do. Don't tell me you'll be open and honest with me when I have to pry information out of you. And don't tell me you're a good man when you know you aren't.

Just be honest about yourself. YOU'VE indicated you want to change, but what are you doing about it? Trusting other people to make you a better person? And for those three hours a week they have control over you... well what about the rest of the week when you have control of you? What do you do to make you a better man?

I'm not perfect, I'm far from it. But when I make a goal, I stick to it. It doesn't matter if I'll be in debt until I'm 30 trying to pay off these student loans. I still went to school. I made a goal to make my own lunch every day this week and I did it. Even if I had to get out of bed early to do so. You make sacrifices in your life to make yourself better. I don't see you making any sacrifices at all. I'm frustrated with you because I don't understand how your brain works and you refuse to tell me how you think. You hide things in and just expect us to get closer when you're the one creating the boundaries.

Don't ask me to be friends with your friends if you don't let us hang out together. Don't tell me to apologize to your parents if you won't let me e-mail them and you tell me to go hide when they come to your house. You are asking me to do possible things, then making them impossible to complete.

You are throwing up roadblocks and expecting me to jump around them. But I'm not the one who fucked up. I'm not the one who came back to you and said, give me another shot. I'm the one who said, I don't think you are up to it. You're the one who said, let me prove it to you. What are you proving to me? I gave you one more shot. What are you going to do with this chance?

I want to do something amazing. Watching the Olympics has ignited something inside me and I want to make a difference. I'm going to walk in the Weekend to End Woman's Cancers. I came across an article today that outlines some events that are going on around this event and one of them included a key note speech from my doctor, Dr. Bernardini. He will be talking about the recent breakthroughs in Gynecology and how the money raised by previous year's Walks have led to the breakthroughs and updated equipment at the Princess Margaret.

I never thought about it that way. All this time I've been supporting Brittany's team because I felt like it was the right thing to do. All this time, I've just been supporting something that would eventually support me. How amazing is that?

I'm going to get together a team to Walk this year. I'm walking for myself, and for all my friends because it is inevitable that at one point in our lives, at least half of my friends will have to deal with what I have been. And maybe one day, when I have a daughter, because of my efforts now, she will never have to go through what I have.

This is a 60 km walk over two days throughout the city of Toronto. I've watched the walkers, taken pictures of the walkers and now I want to be one of the walkers.

What do you do when the one you were ment to be with doesn't want you anymore? Do you just give up and take it? Try and convince them of what they are missing? Fight back?

I thought I knew the rules of love but I'm so confused. I just want to drive there and cuddle up with him because he is the only person who can make me feel better. But he's the only person making me feel worse. This is so fucked up. I just want him to call and say, psych! I didn't mean any of it. You're the girl for me. But I know that will never come. There is way too much dammage and he's not willing to fix it. He's left me alone to try and pick up the pieces that he broke. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this.

Its so unfair.

You brushed your fingers up and down my back and shivers ran all over my body. You laughed at me because my skin would turn into goosebumps.

You grunt at me when you want me to roll over so that your arms could fit perfectly around me. If I have my hair up, then I can feel your breath on my neck. That in itself would put me to sleep.

You always put your hand in the dip in my back when I walk through a door. It makes me feel safe.

The laughing in the shower. The kiss in public. Hugging me from behind. Telling me you'll always be here for me when I need you. Knowing all of my deepest and darkest secrets. Walking hand in hand through the farmers market. Making dinner for each other. Knowing that I have somebody who cares about me and what I do. My own personal cheerleader. Cuddling on the couch. The butterflies in my stomach when I get off the highway on my way to see you. The many movie dates (in bed and in public). The vacation that never will be. The nights in the hotels. Hangover days on the couch. It's just life... made better.

Oh god I feel so alone.

Sometimes I think that if we could live our entire lives in bed together then we'd never fight. When it was just us, it was perfect. If only I could erase the rest of the world for a little while. Then I could smile every day.

Many things keep running through my head. Is it me? Am I just unlovable? Somewhere along the line did I give the impression that it's okay to cheat on me? Every guy seems to think that acceptable behaviour. Maybe I can blame it on the media. But it's not okay to hurt the person you love. Whats the point? Relationships take time, effort and money.... why throw away your time, efforts and money on somebody you are just going to hurt?

What is the point? I don't understand. But maybe it's just me.

I hear all these stories about good guys who treat their girls right. Why can't every guy be honourable like that? Since when did it become okay to break somebody's heart for your own benefit?

So here's my question... should I just sit down and shut up and take it? Should I start cheating a lying? People keep doing it so it must be fun. You never do something when the negatives out weight the positives. And I know what the negatives are. So that must be some REALLY hot sex. Maybe I should try it to see what all the fuss is about.

Sometimes I am so strong. I can go days without crying. But as soon as I heard your voice this morning it was like a dam broke inside me. I realized how much I actually miss you. But I'd never tell you that to your face. I know you read this, so here is my heart...


I thought I had been in love before, but you showed me what real love is. I'd never felt that way before. I was proud of you when I thought you were doing well. I'd brag about you. I honestly thought I found one of the good ones. I couldn't go a day without talking to you. I used to cry like a baby when we left each other because I missed you already. I hated it when you left me. I thought I would be with you forever. I thought we were one of the lucky ones who found their lobster at such a young age and had the opportunity to go through some amazing life experiences together instead of trying to explain them to somebody later in life.

I was so sure of it. And maybe that's why I feel lost right now. I don't know me without you. Your life was my life and my life was your life.

I just so want you to be the man you made me think you were. I don't really think that is too much to ask. That's who you presented to me. You had no reason to lie to me about what your personality was. But I guess the reality is, is that you were just playing more of your head games with me. And then you accidentally fell in love with me. And that's when it got complicated.

Well, I'm alone now. And I guess I have to get used to this feeling. Maybe I can rely on my friends a little bit more or spend some more time reading to try and fill the void. All I know is that my life is never going to be the same. And I'm not entirely sure I like that.

I miss you. And as hard as I try, I can't stop missing you.

Well...


I have no regrets.

I promise to myself to only allow positive people in my life. If you're negative, that's your prerogative, but you can take your negativity and dump it on somebody else. If you want to lie, cheat and steal, go for it. But don't bring that around me. I'm not interested.

I'm excited about the future. I want to date, see the city and meet new people. I want to know where I live. I want somebody to chase after me. I want to be surprised and I want to find love again.

What an amazing feeling love is. I just can't wait to feel that way again.

I wonder if it's like the movies when you meet somebody and you just know that you are meant to be with that person.

Either way, I'm 24, single, and living in one of the largest cities in Canada. There has to be somebody out there that has good morals, values and knows how to treat a woman right.

Maybe next time I'll insist on talking to his ex's to find out the real reason they broke up in the first place. That might help figuring out who this guy is before I waste my time.

Miss the way I used to write. I would throw all my emotions into my writing and after every blog post I was always left in tears. Utterly drained of all emotions. It is so difficult for me to unlock these emotions now and I desperately see how important that output was for me. Now they are bundled up inside me, screaming to get out. I just can't find the key to unlock them.

I'm not myself. I'm confused. I love a man, and he claims to love me. Yet he shows me no respect. He is two different people. The happy man when he is with me. A man who makes me feel like I've never felt before. And he is a man who is torn up inside. I don't know what happened to him to make him throw up those walls. Its been almost 3 years and he's never let me in. Always lied so I wouldn't know who he really is. Did some woman break his heart? Was it all the moving and trying to make new friends? Maybe he doesn't even know who he is. I just wish he would give me a chance to get to know the real him.

Everybody should know themselves. And everybody should have one other person in this world who knows them. Good and bad.

2010 is the beginning of something amazing. I'm starting this century independent, confident and happy. In light of that, I've decided to update my bucket list. So, here goes.

1. Learn to shoot a gun
2. Skydive
3. Bungee jump somewhere exotic over a river
4. Visit Egypt and the pyramids
5. Have a radio show
6. Go on an African Safari
7. Live in a different country for a couple months
8. Backpack through Grease, Italy and Amsterdam
9. Stay in a 5 Star resort in Jamaica
10. Own a BMW
11. Buy a Louis Vutton bag for myself
12. Get my Masters
13. Visit the 7 Wonders of the World - All of them! (See Below)
14. Buy a house
15. Live by myself
16. Pay off my Student Debt
17. Go dog sledding
18. Learn how to professionally arrange flowers
19. Cut up my Credit cards and live off cash for 1 year
20. Own a dog
21. Run a marathon
22. Write a book
23. Fall in love
24. Get published in a magazine
25. Own a Business. McDonalds, Tim Hortons...
26. Retire by the age of 60
27. Design and build my "dream" kitchen
28. Drive a Formula 1 Car
29. Learn how to Salsa Dance
30. Learn a new language
31. Live with the Amish and see what all the fuss is about
32. Go horseback riding on a beach
33. Be a mentor to somebody
34. Fly in a hot air balloon
35. Go Whale watching
36. Plant a tree in my yard and enjoy it grow
37. Become a Key Note Speaker
38. Throw a huge party
39. Learn the differences between wine
40. Drive across a country.. any country!
41. Fly a Kite
42. Go snorkeling
43. Fly first class
44. Visit a volcano
45. Go on a romantic get-away
46. Swim with Dolphins
47. Volunteer to build houses in a different country
48. Learn how to make 1 gourmet meal
49. Take a class on painting
50. Visit Disney World and see all my favourite characters
51. Have a baby
52. Do something that scares me
53. Get rid of my car and only take public transit for 6 months
54. Be a bridesmaid
55. Take up photography
56. Live on a farm
57. Take a celebrity out for dinner

7 Wonders of the Ancient World:

- Great Pyramid of Giza (the only one that still exists). Egypt

Wonders of the Medieval World:

-Stonehenge. Wiltshire, England
-Colosseum. Rome, Italy
-Catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa. Alexandria, Egypt
-Great Wall of China. China
-Porcelain Tower of Nanjing. China
-Hagia Sophia. Istanbul, Turkey
-Leaning Tower of Pisa. Italy
-Taj Mahal. India
-Cairo Citadel. Egypt
-Ely Cathedral. Cambridgeshire, England
-Cluny Abbey. France

Wonders of the Modern World:

- Channel Tunnel. Strait of Dover between the United Kingdom and France
-CN Tower. Toronto, Ontario
-Empire State Building. New York, NY
-Golden Gate Bridge. Sanfrancisco, California
-Itaipu Dam. Between Brazil and Paraguay
-Delta Works/Zuiderzee Works. Netherlands
-Panama Canal. Isthmus of Panama

The New 7 Wonders of the World (as of 2006)

- Great Wall of China. China
-Petra. Jordan
-Christ the Redeemer. Brazil
-Machu Picchu. Peru
-Chichen Itza. Mexico
-Roman Colosseum. Italy
-Taj Mahal. India
-Great Pyramid. Egypt

7 Wonders of the Natural World:

-Grand Canyon. Arizona, USA
-Great Barrier Reef. Australia
-Harbour of Rio de Janeiro
-Mount Everest. Asia
-Aurora
-Paricutin Volcano. Mexico
-Victoria Falls. Africa

What is True Love?

I remember that day. The sun was high in the sky and the air was warm. We drove with the window cracked a bit so that my hair didn't get messed up. I saw you come out in her arms and my heart instantly ached. I knew you were the one for me.

We drove back home with you in my lap. You fell asleep. I felt like I needed to protect you at all times. You were so small and I was all you had. This, I thought, was true love.

I was so scared when you went screaming under the car at the cottage. I was shaking and calling your name. I was crying for no apparent reason. I was the only one you would come to and now I realize that you felt the same way I do. You were my one and I am your one. You came to me then, like you did to me today. That same look and slow crawl. Even though you were in pain, you still wanted to be close to me. And I love you for that.

True love is the need to protect somebody. And True Love is needing to have the other take care of you. To have that thing on your mind all the time, just in the back, but always there. To be happy just to sit in the same room. True love is a commitment to the other.