I can't believe how much I hate him. And I can't believe how different my life would be if he wasn't in my life. And I can't see a future without him. But I hate him so much. I hate what he stands for, his beliefs, values and manners.

But I can't see major milestones in my life without him there. I want him to walk me down the isle when I get married, I want to see him fall asleep on the couch holding his first grandchild.

I want him to tell me he's proud of me and he loves me. But he never does. He gave me a rose for Valentines day because if he didn't, he would have looked like an ass hole because he's done it for so long. It didn't mean anything to me because I knew it was faked love.

I know I wouldn't be as successful as I am today because the only reason I pushed myself so hard was to impress him or to get him to notice me. I just wanted to hear "I'm proud of you" and it's never come.

I wonder if my Mom ever regretted choosing him to be the father of her children. How can you tell if somebody would make a good father? I've seen some guys be great to their girlfriends then leave the moment things get tough when their child is born. I've also seen shady guys become great parents. So what is it? Have a guy that treats you like shit so that he treats your kids good, or have a guy that treats you great and leaves you a single mother? I don't know.

How can one man change the life of one person so much. Maybe I am searching for something he was lacking in my relationships. Or maybe I'm searching for somebody who treats me exactly the same what he did.

And maybe that's why I can't say goodbye. I'm used to the abuse. I don't think I deserve to be treated better. That's what my psychologist said. I am currently searching for a man who treats me like my Dad does because that's all I know. But knowing how miserable I am with my relationship with my Dad, that means I am just bound to be unhappy in any relationship I choose. I'm destined to be upset until I change my way of thinking.

Here we go Kelly. You deserve to have a man who loves you, faults and all. You deserve a man who respects you. You deserve a man who is honest, loving and faithful to you. You deserve a man who can communicate with you. You deserve a man who is not the same as your Father. You deserve a real man, not a man who can't measure up to the person he's projected himself to be.