What a wonderful night. I felt like myself for the first time in a very long time. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was my old roommates, but whatever it was, I am so thankful.

I can't believe how much I missed their company. I could have talked for hours with Tony and I haven't danced with Karen and Leigh like that in years. It made me smile to see Emily so happy with her man and the same goes for Amber. I could see it on both of their faces. Just pure joy. Comfortable, happy, can't live without each other love. I can't believe how everything has changed, yet, when we were all together, it was like nothing ever changed.

I'm having dinner with Trish tomorrow, then dinner with my cousins on Thursday. I'm slowly finding myself again. And it feels great!

Its been 10 days since my last post. Who knew so much could change in 10 days.

I'm sitting here watching Keeping up with the Kardashian's and I'm in tears. Everything seems to get to me lately and I just can't control my emotions anymore. Tonight's episode was Khloe's wedding. Her father passed away when she was young and a major theme of the wedding was honouring her late father. A lot of the speeches revolved around "if Dad was here..." type of thing. Well I can't help but think that my wedding will be the same.

Not because my Dad has died, but because my Dad wants to be demoted to simply a sperm doner. He does not want to know about my life, he wants no details. He doesn't want to see me, nor does he want to even hear about me. So, I was forced to move out of his house a week early, which caused me to move with little help. Five days later and I'm still not unpacked.

It's a difficult thing to go through life having things one way and believing that somebody will be there for you always, and then one day to have them say, I want nothing to do with you. I'm sure this is similar to what women feel when they get divorced. It's like a rug has been pulled out from under my feet and I just have no direction anymore.
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I'm so frustrated with him. He broke plans for a phone conversation so he could hang out, smoke weed and play video games with his friends that he sees every day. I walked to Canadian Tire and back, in the dark, so that I could get a phone to call him on. I got this great phone plan that allows for so many long distance minutes a month that is more than half of what I pay for a similar plan on my cell phone.

I get home, charge the phone up enough to make a call and I get "Hey (cough cough cough) whats up? Just chillin with Dan and Christy (cough cough), ya, (silence....) ya, ok Kelly, bye.

Great conversation. I'm SO GLAD I walked in the dark to Canadian Tire for a 2 minute conversation with somebody who can't even put down the blunt.

Then I get, "Let me call you when they leave shortly". That was at 9:04. It 11:51 and I'm still waiting for that phone call.

Actions speak louder than words- and yours are screaming at me.

You know, I have given you a second, third, fourth and fifth chance. And this time you promised that you would do me right. You promised that you'd be that guy for me. Whatever it took to get me back. You said you realized what you lost and you don't want to lose it ever again. Well... what happened to that????

That lasted a total of 3 weeks. Right now, you're showing me every reason why I made a mistake in taking you back. If you can't be that man, then leave me the fuck alone. I made it so very clear to you that these are my expectations. I asked you one by one if you are able to deliver on those expectations. Your answer was yes. But talk is cheap! You're not delivering on anything!

If I can't depend on you for a simple phone call, how am I supposed to depend on you for anything at all?

I'm realizing what is important in my life. My health, a roof over my head, my career, my dog and my happiness. If you're not making me happy, then why are you in my life? If you are intentionally upsetting me, it's time to move on.

If you can't keep a phone date, something is majorly wrong.

With the big change about to happen in my life I need to become more focused. I now have a career to take charge of and I don't need any distractions. I need to have a balanced life. I can't be on a roller coaster of emotions anymore. I need stability. I need a schedule. I need to be even.

Since my emotions are generally controlled by the people around me, I've been thinking quite a bit about what is going to make me even and this is what I've come up with.

I need a man who is proud of me. I need somebody who shows me off to his friends and his family and makes me feel proud of me too.

I need a man who touches me often to make me feel wanted.

I need a man who supports my decisions, especially with my career. And somebody who takes advantage of the time we can spend together.

I need somebody who makes me feel wanted and needed. There is nothing more special than a surprise delivery of flowers or a knock at the door with a big hug waiting on the other side.

I want somebody who recognizes that I've been really hurt by men in the past and that I have trust issues. If he can't cut out the extra women, especially women he's hurt me with in the past, then he isn't the right guy for me. Girl friends are cool, but its not necessary to continue to talk to a woman he had an emotional affair or a verbal sex fest with on a regular basis.

My guy should want to make me happy and not sad. And he should recognize that there are great things in life that come with being in a relationship. And he should want to be in a relationship.

He should want to explore Toronto with me. If he lives in Toronto then he should be ok with doing the touristy things with me. Even if he's done it before. And if he's not in Toronto, then he should want to come to the city and explore it with me.

He should want to work at our relationship and not be scared of taking it to another level.

He should treat me as his confidante. He should come to me with his fears, accomplishments, trouble etc.

I want a deep connection that two people in love feel. The "I know everything about you and I STILL love you" feeling is incredible. It's amazing to put your heart in somebody elses hands and have them take care of it for you. I'm really good at taking care of hearts.

I just want somebody who wants me more than somebody else.