After days like today, I wonder why I ever have felt alone. It's not something that happened, or something that will happen, it's just a general feeling of acceptance like somebody else out there cares about me.

• Today I woke up, got out of my brothers huge comfey bed, walked around my house naked and got dressed at my leasure. I got in my Jeep and drove to the spa and handed them a gift certificate for a Hour and a half Hot stone massage. I had a woman rub my entire body with oil and hot stones and listened to soothing music the entire time. I got back into my Jeep, and drove to Brittany's house. I scooped up Brooklyn and held her in my arms and rocked her to sleep while Brittany cleaned. Brooklyn and I had a conversation, though I'm not sure what it was about. I gave her a bottle and she fell asleep in my arms. I put her in her chair and went home to shower. Brittany came over without the baby and we made dinner then sat in the hot tub for an hour and talked like we used to. We talked about last summer and all of the shit we got into. We also talked about our futures. These are the things I miss the most sometimes.
• Last night I introduced my parents to my neice. We played on the floor, and I even changed a diaper! I layed down on the couch with Brooklyn in my arms and we fell asleep for a little bit. She was curled up in my chest with her head on my shoulder. It was a moment I will never forget.

I now understand why children make such a lasting impression on somebody, and why people go out of their way to have babies. I'm here in this big old house, all alone, and all I want is to be curled up with that angel.

It's days like today that make me wonder what my future is going to be like. I'm excited to start my future, one step at a time.

The sinking feeling in my stomach tells me that I want you.
The coldness in your voice tells me that you've changed.
Don't leave me now. Just when I start to find my way.

Don't turn your back on me.

A Good Man is Hard to Find
Or a Hard Man is Good to Find?

The age old question. I haven't been able to figure it out yet.
I can see both sides of the argument; both have their set backs and bonus'.
A good man is so hard to find. People put on fronts and sometimes once you figure it out, it's just too late. I am my own worst enemy. I am chronically attracted to the typical "bad boy"; you know who I'm talking about. The guys who are too cocky for their own good, the ones that don't care if you care or not. The ones that let you in just a little bit to give you some hope then slam the door. They are the sex gods, the ones that could probably have sex for a living. They are always horny and will do as many girls as humanly possible.
The Good man will treat a lady right. He will be devoted to her and will want to take care of her, regardless if she wants it or not. He is trustworthy and honest. He is hard to find.
I want a guy to be devoted to me, to want to be with me. But relationships can a bunch of bullshit. You get so involved that you forget about the rest of your life. I've been there before, when all you can think about is that person and when you fight it feels like your life is over. I don't want that to happen to me again.
So the appeal of a casual friend is there, a traditional 'bad boy' who is really only good for one thing. This relationship gives both of you your freedom, but still satisfying your needs. But who wants to share a guy? We all know that he's probably with more than one woman. You don't get the love and tenderness with a casual friend than you do with a steady partner.
It just seems like trading bullshit for bullshit.

You tell me everything will be alright, I'll feel better in the morning.
Right now I have you to hold onto
But I'm holding onto something more.
Something indescribable.

Laying with your arms wrapped around me made me feel so safe.
Safe enough that even my alcohol ridden body couldn't hurt me.
To feel your hands on me, rubbing up and down my back. I want to go back to that moment.
You found a sweet spot. When your rubbed it my body shuddered. You laughed and did it again.

I moaned and your grip tightened.
Why do you always want what you can't have?
You told me that you feel it too. But what is it?
One of life's many mysteries!

"Breathe"
I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face and I've
Never been this swept away
All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear
Is the beating of your heart'

Cause I can feel you breathe
It's washing over me
Suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby all we need is just to be

Caught up in the touch
The slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe
Just breathe

In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
I'm closer than I've ever felt before
And I know
And you know
There's no need for words right now'

Cause I can feel you breathe
It's washing over me
Suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch
The slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe
Just breathe
Caught up in the touch
The slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's supposed to be

I can feel you breathe
Just breathe
I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
-Faith Hill

National Ass Hole Month
The tales of being the unintentional 'Other Woman'

I always feel the need to talk about something somebody has done to me in order to understand why. Sometimes I write to remind myself so I can relive it, and sometimes I write to let my frustrations out. I know that as soon as I finish the words on this screen, I will feel relief and I will no longer dwell on the past, but move on to the future.

Today, as in most days, my topic of discussion is boys, not men, but boys.

The first fella I would like to look at is a guy I have been talking to for the past 4 years off and on. We met at a bonfire in the back yard of a friend’s house and I guess he was instantly drawn to me. He said I had the most beautiful smile. The conversation we had that night was minimal, but very friendly. It wasn't until the next week, when I received an e-mail from him saying that he would like to get to know me better, when I actually started to take an interest.
We continued on the random e-mail path for a couple years, every now and then throwing in a phone call or two. But nothing ever went further. Recently, as in the past 2 months, we have been talking weekly on MSN and through e-mail, exchanging pictures of our friends and planning a reunion the next time I am home. Things have been going really well, sometimes getting a little X-rated, but still innocent and fun.
So we have been planning this reunion for a while now, and clearly some fun (meaning kissing and whatnot) has been discussed, but today I found out that he has been seeing a girl for the past couple weeks and even took her to a wedding this weekend. He just neglected to tell me this, and lead me to believe he was single. What an ass! I hate being the other woman.
________________________________________
This next guy is just as bad. So Halloween night we get all dressed up and looking pretty hot. The girls and I go to this bar and we're having a great time. I decide to take a breather and sit down on these huge comfy couches with some of my friends and we're talking. Suddenly this guy approaches me and asks to sit down. He starts chatting up my friends and I but mainly focusing his attention on me. My friends leave, leaving us alone to talk. We talk for an hour at least about everything. He seemed so nice and normal and genuinely into me. His buddies come over and won't leave, so he asks me if I want to go for a walk to get some fresh air. I know this is the code word for 'let’s go outside and make-out'. I say yes anyways and I try my best to play hard to get, but to no avail, it didn't work.
So I saw him at the bar last night, he happens to be a bouncer there. I go up and talk to him and he seems so distant and uninterested and I am left utterly confused; until this morning.
I was talking with my co-host and she said that she did some dirty work and found out that he has a girlfriend! That little rat! I wonder what his girlfriend would have to say about his actions on Tuesday. I fricken hate being the other woman!
_______________________________________

As I was sitting here writing this blog, I received a message from a friend of mine who happens to be a guy. Now this friend and I don't talk often, I tried to proposition him in the summer but he was straightforward and said he had a gf. Finally an honest man!

Anyways, I stopped writing this blog to chat with him and he restored some of my faith in the male gender. He just wrote to me to say that he's been hearing good things about my radio show and to keep up the good work and to check in to see how I'm doing. As pessimistic as I can be, something always hits me up the side of my head to throw me back into reality. So thank you to all those nice guys out there. You are a dieing breed.

Perpetually stuck in limbo

I am stuck:

Between my family of the past and my family of the future
Between the first time and the last time
Between the beginning of University and the Ending
Between feeling awkward and feeling beautiful
Between when I saw you last and when I'll see you again
Between ideas
Between being a genius and being a failure
Between kisses
Between Life

You walk into the room and everybody stops and watches you. You smile and feel like you are on top of the world. There's a side of this scene that you don't see. We're just here to humor you. Nobody really likes you.

But it's not your fault.

You see, we don't know who you are or why you act like you do. Nobody knows the real you. You act like a princess, a total drama queen to be exact. You prance around in your little skirts and flesh baring shirts and think that everybody adores you.

I'm here to break your fantasy.

Nobody can relate to you because you present such a conflicting, two faced front. If you want something from me, you are nice and sweet. But if I confront you, you stomp your feet and throw a tantrum like a three year old. You pull my friend around by the strings and make him believe that you care about him. The truth is, you only care about what he can do for you. I don't like that.

You have one true friend. This friend is only your friend because you bond in holy falsehood. You both are fake and hold onto each other because between the two of you, you make up a whole person.

You need to stop and smell the roses; high school ended 4 years ago. This year you will enter the real world like the rest of the graduating class. You will fail.

I'm not sorry and I wish you all the best. April can't come soon enough!

The Rain of Crap Never Ends

This morning I cried uncontrollably. Today, my life changed. Not because of one specific thing, but because of everything.
Today I found out that my credit card has been ‘compromised’ and there's nothing I can do about it. Meaning that somebody has been using my credit card number without my permission. I now have to go spend hours in the bank trying to figure this out, instead of spending hours in the library studying.
Today, my ex boyfriend finally rejected me. After 2 years, he has finally said no, he loves his girlfriend too much. I am so proud of him, but at the same time, I feel stupid. You cheated on me with her, why couldn't you have realized how much you loved me and told her no 2 years ago? Maybe this is what I need to finally move on.
Today, I looked at my finances and realized that I need to do something drastic, and that covering the bills for my house isn't as much fun as it's cracked up to be. I'm quickly sipping into debt.
I called my Mom because I needed to hear her voice. For some reason, it was the most comforting thing I've heard all year. I miss her so much. Whenever I go home, it's always so busy and I never get one on one time. She doesn’t know how to treat me anymore. I'm stuck somewhere between a child and an adult; not quite either.
This morning as I was getting ready, the tears just streamed down my face. I ignored them. I took a shower, got dressed, and did my hair and make-up with a continual stream of tears streaked down my face. I'm sitting here, ready to take on the day, but wanting to crawl up into a ball in my bed and cry until I can't feel my body anymore.
Today I realized that I am lonely. My friends have started to find happiness with somebody else. Somebody they can confide in and tell all their secrets too. I just have this keyboard and monitor, and my stuffed cow Moo. Somehow, it's not as comforting as I wish it would be.
I need to change, I need to be strong. I need to stop crying.

Innocence

Seen through a child’s eyes. It is incredible to see the sense of wonder with new experiences. I wish to go back to the time when the simple things made me happy. Seen through a new puppy. The playfulness, curiosity and sense of loyalty. If only everything could be so simple.

I can be myself with you. I feel the spark between us when our eyes meet. Howcome I keep putting you off?

Yesterday we went down to the beach again. It seems to be our place when I'm home. We always park in the same parking lot, walk along the same path, and wander off the path onto the sand at the exact same spot. Every time seems new, but surprisingly the same. Our arms are linked together and you are guiding me to where you want me. Nobody is around. If I didn't trust you so much, I would be scared. You take me to the picnic table that we always sit at. I look out around the lake and see the lights of the city bouncing off the water. I point to a few constilations and feed you some bullshit excuse for why I know them. The truth is, I'm just a big nerd.
I start shivering in the fall breeze, and you put your arm around me to keep me warm. Your head rests on mine and everything feels right in the world. Your fingers graze my arm and I get shivers down my back. God I want to kiss you.
I stand up in front of you and you grab my neck and kiss me passionatly. All of the built up tension comes flowing out of my body. I want to be closer to you, I need to be closer. I stand up on the bench and straddle your lap. You put your arms around me and attack my neck. I can't help but grind into you. It was so hot knowing that anybody could be watching us. But I didn't care. I just needed you right then.
It was now 2am, and I am tired. I stop you and get up. We start walking back on the path we took to get there, hand in hand. We pass a building and I feel you tugging on my arm. You throw me up against the building and press your body against mine and once again, kiss me. Somehow my pants came off, and I find myself standing in the middle of a park, naked from the waist down, not caring who sees me. I need to feel you next to me.




After all of this, howcome I keep convincing myself that it's not a good idea for us to be together? I've been so blind, I can't see whats in front of my face. I can enjoy the moments but not make sense of them. Why is that?

You know the old wives tale that when girls live in close proximity to each other, their menstrual cycle becomes in sync with each other? Well a similar phenomenon is happening right here in K/W with my girlfriends. Not only do we go through PMS, bleed for a week straight, and have bitchy days; we also Blog together. It's an incredible occurrence that happens all month where, without communicating with each other, in one night, each of us will write a separate blog. It's quite an incredible experience to flip through my 'Favorites' websites after I've finished a blog to see that all of my friends have written a new blog! It makes me feel like a part of the group. Our own online bond of writing and emotions.
______________________________________
People are changing. And it's only natural. A lot of you are facing your last year in University. This time next year, you will be a full fledged Adult, contributing to society, hopefully not living out of your parent’s basement. Usually this looming change would result in a growth in maturity. Actually rewind for a second, the transition from High School to University should have resulted in a growth of Maturity. The transition from University to the Economy should just reflect what your parents (or yourself) have spent so much money on. An Education. How can you have a University level education and have the emotional capabilities of a High school freshman?
To those who have some serious growing up to do: Get on it. Or else you will be left behind. To those who are in the midst of realizing their life plan: Stick with it. This is what you want for yourself, not what others want for you. Stay true to yourself.
______________________________________
Once upon a time the line was drawn in the sand. Easily erasable and frequently done. The line between friends.
For some reason there has to be this huge line that people pretend isn't there. But when the keg is done, and the party is over, the line is clearly drawn in the sand. With a group of girls over in the corner, another group of girls in the bedroom, a group of guys in front of the TV, and a couple stragglers caught in the middle unsure of where to go.
Recently the sand has been turning to concrete. With the HSG at the bar grinding against anything with a penis, the DTE girls chilling in somebody's room listening to music, the CO guys watching a movie or Football on TV, and the amount of stragglers decreasing drastically. We aren't all friends, and we should really stop trying to kid ourselves. Lies may work in politics, but not in the real world. I don't know about you, but I like to know who my friends are and exactly how much I can trust them with. I'm happy that other people are seeing what I have and are seeing through the fakeness of some people and are starting to rebel against them. You don't have to like everybody, and everybody doesn’t have to like you. I don't care if people don't like me. I'm only here to please myself.

For the first time in a long time, I woke up with a smile on my face.
It scared me.

If I knew that would be the last time I would talk to you, I wonder what else I would have said to you. I think you knew you would be leaving this earth soon. I think that’s why you called me. You always made me feel like the most special person in the room. I always believed that I was your favorite. At your funeral I listened to the stories people were saying about you. I listened to how you touched everybody's life and how you always made them feel like they were special. I had people I didn't know come up to me and tell me how you had touched their life. I couldn't say anything back because I was so devastated. I couldn't open my mouth without gasping for breath. The tears continually ran down my face and I was blinded.
I cried tonight. Not because you are gone, but because I forgot. I forgot how I felt that day. I forgot how you made me feel, and I forgot what you used to say to me. I was too busy going forward that I forgot to look back.
I remember being a child. I remember when you visited. You always had a trunk full of goodies from Mexico. Your tanned skin glistened in the spring sun when I looked through the window. You broke out into the biggest smile when I came running out of the house. I remember coming home from school and you would have a home made snack sitting on the kitchen table, and I used to sit there with you and tell you what I learned. I read you books, I played barbies with you and I cuddled with you at night when you read me a story.
Those who don't you know, don't understand the bond we had; the bond you had with everybody. You are what I aspire to be.
My Dad hasn't been the same since you left us. I hope you are proud of me and of who I've become.
I miss you.
'Till we meet again at heaven's gate-
Yours forever.
Squirtcha.

My Secrets

- I'm not attracted to you. I just pretend to be so that you will pay attention to me.
- I don't deserve to be where I am. It is just a fluke that I've stayed in the game so long.
- I love the way you act now that you are with her. I'm sorry I couldn't do that for you.
- I told him you cheated so that he would realize what a huge Whore you are.
- I sleep with the music on so I don't feel so alone.
- The reason why I don't take your money is because I feel like you are trying to buy my love.
- I wonder what my life would be like if I never met you.
- I once hid behind a tree when I saw you walking towards me because I had a huge zit on my face.
- I fucked your boyfriend.
- I've had impure thoughts in church.
- I miss the way you look at me.
- It was me who super glued your locker.
- Remember when somebody told your parents you fucked your boyfriend in their car, and I comforted you while you cried all night? Yeah that was me too.
- I told everybody you have a small dick.
- I can't stand your voice.
- When we have sex, I think about baseball. Thats why there is a huge smile on my face.
- I have no idea how you are in University. You have the IQ of a small rodent.
- I still think about you.
- I farted on your Lucky Charms. And watched you eat them.
- I'm attracted to guys who fail because I like to feel superior.
- I talked behind your back. And I liked it.
-I cheated on a test
- I had sex at my highschool.
- I talk to myself
- I have a crush on a gay man.
- I never loved you.

"Hello Pretty Lady" He says as I run across the street.
"Hey Big Guy! How are you?" I reply as I wrap my arms around him then try to pull away.
"Hold me just a little big longer"
With his arms wrapped around my shoulders and mine around his waist. I take in a deep breath.
"Whats wrong?"
"I have two midterms next week. I'm so stressed!" He puts his head on my shoulder looking at me. I can feel him breathing in deep and playing with my hair.
His arms tighten around me, pulling me into his chest causing me to exhale and inhale again breathing in his sent.
"You'll do amazing babe, you always do" I tell him and my grip tightens. We are constantly in this position. An intimate moment in a public setting.
"Thanks Kel. You know, I could probably stay like this all day"
I think to myself; the scary thing is, I could too.
"Yeah, except we're on the street corner! People are going to start honking!"
"Fuck 'em."
I laugh and move my head into his neck and take another deep breath. I feel so safe in his arms.
To the unsuspecting passer by, this could look like a good-bye between lovers. To us, it's a hello between friends. I feel so comfortable around him, I can't even explain it.
"I have to get to class. See you tonight?"
"I wouldn't miss it for the world!"
Thats the answer I wanted to hear.

I wish I could tell you what I want.
I wish I could tell you how I feel.
Something is missing in my life, but I can't explain what it is.
You make me so happy, and so sad at the same time.
I wish you would just see me for who I am. Who I really am.
I wish you would just give in to what you want.

Who cares what they think?
I can make you happy. You can make me complete.

"haaaaaaaaaapppy birthhhdayyy"
"Thanks babe, but this is the 3rd time you've said that to me!"
"You are just that special!"
"Aw, you're a sweetheart"
"Okay, I'm going to bed. If I'm not at your place by 2, call me and wake my ass up!"
"Sounds like a deal, drunkie!"
- Side note: This conversation happened at 10am _________________________________
"Hello?"
"HEY! Who's this?"
"You called me! It's Kelly"
"ohhh Shit! Hey Girl, how are you doing?"
"I'm fine, who is this?"
"Nick, remember me?"
"How could I forget? Why are you calling me at midnight?"
"To say Happy Birthday!"
"Thanks, but it was 2 days ago."
"I know, I'm sorry. HEY I was watching Much Music the other night and I heard a song that reminded me of you. You should hear it!"
"I'll get right on that."
"I'm trying to plan a trip to the loo to visit. I miss you"
"I haven't talked to you in months, why would you want to come spend a night with me?"
"Because we have amazing sex."
"well than..."
"Okay I'm going to let you get back to bed. I miss you and I love you. I always have and I always will. Don't forget! Meant to be baby."
"Right... night!"
___________________________________
"Hey Horndawg"
"I'm never going to live that nickname down, am I?"
"Probably not."
"You're just jealous!"
"haha and what would I be jealous of?"
"The fact that I have a better sex drive than you do!"
"I highly doubt that!"
"Prove it :P"
__________________________________
"When I grow up, I want to be a cowboy!"
"Oh yeah? Well when I grow up, I want to be a playboy photographer!"
__________________________________

Change
Orientation week isn't just for the 1st years. It's an opportunity for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and even 5th years to come together and volunteer their time towards something great. It was hard work and long hours, but it was completely worth it. I met tons of people, I had the opportunity to do something that I would have never done before, and I got to reflect on how much I've changed in the past 2 years. I remember move-in day. We came up to the stadium and there was a line up of screaming people who made a tunnel and made me run through it. I was terrified. What kind of school allows crazy people to go there? What was I getting myself into?
2 years later, I am that crazy person yelling and screaming and cheering at the 1st years.

Today I was 5 minutes late for a class. I came up to the closed door and looked in and stopped myself. The people in the class looked too old for me. I clearly had the wrong class. I opened my bag and checked my class list, and sure enough, I was in the right place. I am that old.
_________________________________________
I made history Monday night. I was the first EVER female DJ to DJ at the Turret.
If that isn't big, I don't know what is!

You are in my head, I can't get you out. I need closure, it never really ended.
Why do you have this hook on me? To make me go weak?
I feel like breaking down, I'm crying inside.
I just need to see you to stop this. To hear you say you don't want me any more. Why won't you say that? Stop telling me you think about me when you're with her. I can't handle it. Boo you need to get out of my head. I need to move on. This 3 year hold has got to go.

"Lips Of An Angel"

Honey why are you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late

The case of the raging Alcoholic
Birthdays suck so much but they also make me realize how blessed I am. As much as it sucks to get one more year older, although nothing really changes from one day to the next. It's just a number that changes, it really doesn't define me. But that number hangs over my head like a looming cloud of depression.

This year, was probably one of the best birthdays I've ever had (with the exception of my 6th birthday when I got this kick ass customized barbie house). I had a ton of friends come into town just for the party. Some of them didn't even stay more than 24 hours.





















I know a lot of shit happened throughout the year, but it's the constant love I recieve from my friends that keeps me hanging on. It wasn't what we did that made that day special, it was who was there. It was the little notes I found all over my room the next day. It was the immense amount of love I felt on that day. So thank you to my friends, my family and everybody I love. You make this life worth living. You make me who I am.

I got a card in the mail yesterday. The first birthday card of the year. Surprisingly it was mailed to my Waterloo address, not my Barrie one. There was no return address on it. You always know it's a birthday card because it's in one of those colorful envelopes that say "Hallmark" or something like that one it. I ripped it open and $20 fell to the ground. Bumpa! I thought I knew that handwriting! My Bumpa sent me a birthday card. He took the time to get my school address because he knew I was staying here for the summer. What a sweet man.

I was sitting at home last night thinking. I glanced up to the card sitting on the mantle above the TV and a thought hit me so hard I almost fell over. He is my last grandparent. 3 years ago, I had never experienced Death. 3 years ago I had everybody I loved around me. Now, He's all I have left.

Granted, my grandfather is still alive, not doing well, but still alive! He doesn’t count though. He never once made an effort to get to know me. He has never seen my brothers, and he hasn't talked to my Mom in over 10 years.

I just happened to be watching the end of Gray Anatomy where the two people were together with a pole stuck through them and in order to save one of them, the other had to die. So I cried like a little baby. Curled up on the couch in the fetal position, all alone. I have never felt so alone in my life.

I'm happy for you. I really am. I remember what happened between us in the past, but it's in the past. New year, new life, new house- let's wipe the slate clean. All I ask is that you don't try to hide it from me. I'm not blind. Please give me some respect.
I'm sorry things have worked out this way. But sometimes the best way to heal a broken heart is to hate. I just hope that one day we can mend the rift and be friends again. I need to be friends with you again.

Let's forgive and forget. For we cannot truely know eachothers strengths until we test the boundaries.

Your body entices me
Your mind entraps me
Your kiss weakens me
And your embrace drowns me
__________________________________
I don't want to think about you anymore!! You invade my thoughts and dreams; you make it impossible for any other man to compete. You have a hook in me. I need to let go. I need to be free.
__________________________________
I saw you watching me, if only for a second. I saw you out of the corner of my eye. You smiled. I laughed. Your hand found my thigh. I froze. What do you do when something is so perfect, it's wrong?
__________________________________
"I drove past Barrie tonight"
"Oh yeah? I was in Barrie this morning"
"I know, that’s why I thought of you. I was going to stop but I figured that you would already be gone."
"Well you were right my dear. I was already back home"
"I've never felt this way about anybody before."
"And which way is that?"
"I just need to fuck you again!"
_________________________________

"You're always on the go. There is no rest for you!! After one thing is done, the next is coming up! Kel, you need to slow down!"
"I'll slow down when I die"
"If you keep this up, that may come sooner than you think!"

2 Final exams
1 13 page paper
1 golf tournament
3 ball games
---------------
5 days

It's go time!

Life in a Nutshell

Life is hard. period. end of sentence.
My friends are the only people who I can be myself with. Nobody else would get it.
This time next year, things will have changed drastically
A weekend home can cure the blues- or make them worse
There is nothing better than the cottage
Children laughing out of happiness makes me all warm inside
Old people holding hands makes me smile- I want to be old and holding hands
I suck at this gym thing. I am doomed to be a little bit overweight forever
I can't wait to have babies. I want one now
Gay men are probably the funniest people on earth
Victorias Secret is god
Tucker Max is probably the funniest straight guy ever
I get bored very easily
I have a big ego
It is impossible for somebody to love me forever because I change so much
There are only 3 men in this world I can always count on.
I can't keep my room clean for more than a day
I just don't give a shit anymore.. if you don't like me, thats too bad for you
I get very excited very easily.
It IS possible to fall in love with somebody's personality and not their body
Being alone sucks

I hope that one day, if only for a day, we can be happy with eachother.
I hope that everything I do is for a purpose.
I hope that I made the right decision
I hope that you forget about the past, but don't forget about me
I hope that it's not too late
I hope that you will find happiness, with or without me
I hope that I will see her again one day
I hope that at my funeral people will talk about the amazing things I accomplished with my life, not my mistakes
I hope that you grow up and marry a beautiful and intelligent woman, but always have time for your big sister
I hope that I come out of this rut soon
I hope that you will one day see, how much I really love you
I hope that you get what you deserve
I hope that your happy with her because you destroyed any chance with me
I hope that I make you proud
I hope that a giant band-aid will come and cover my heart
I hope that my dreams come true, but my nightmares don't
I hope that I don't break your heart
I hope that one day, I will be complely happy
I hope that she knew how special she was to me
I hope that we can find a middle ground
I hope that I can stop mourning your death, and start celebrating your life
I hope that I will one day, know love like you do
I hope I pass this course
I hope that you regret what you did to me
I hope you know that it has taken me 2 years to forgive you
I hope you know that you take my breath away


I hope you know you changed my life.

Who Knew?

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again

And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew
- Pink

I'll always remember... do you? Ment to be...

I took them out to the break wall to look at the stars.
It was so dark you couldn't see what was in front of you. You had only the moon light to guide you.
I told them to lay down and look up. To listen to the waves crash around you and to feel the spray of the lake as you look up at the millions of stars above.
I'm so glad I got to share this with them. My own flesh and blood.
10 Minutes later, my 13 year old cousin comes over to me and I sit up.
She says she needs to say something. I put my arm around her and ask what is wrong.
She says, "I'd like to believe that the stars are just the souls of the people who have passed on who want to watch us and protect us at night."
I looked at her and said, "Thats very profound for somebody your age. I like that idea. Which one do you think Grandma is?"
She looked up into the sky and after a couple minutes of staring she said, "I think that one right there is Grandma!" As she pointed to the highest and brightest star in the sky- Venus.
I told her, "I think your right!"
She then proceeded to tell me why she picked that star.
"I picked that start because it is the brightest star in the sky. It's right above us and it reminds me of our family. Because Grandma started it all. It's like she's at the top and the rest of the stars around her are us. It looks like our family tree."
I looked up at the star and a tear came down my cheek. "You're right my dear, you sure are right."
_______________________________________________
The first family gathering after somebody passes on is a hard one. Although you all may have dealt with it already, seeing everybody again brings waves of grief back. People talk about their memories, and you are forced to reach back into your memories for some to share as well.
I'm glad I came out here. I'm glad I got to experience what used to bring my Grandmother joy. I'm glad I got to hear the story of her life.

Dreams

So last night I had the weirdest, most vivid dream. It all started out with me and my roommates Tony and Leigh, my friends from home Chris and Dave, my Laurier friends Mike and Rachel. We were all chilling at a mall with some sort of fountain in the middle of it. It could have been the West Edmonton Mall. Anyways, we were sitting around the fountain, talking and really not doing much of anything. Then suddenly we were attacked by police officers and everybody but Chris and Tony were captured.

The 5 of us were taken to this prison that looked just like my 1st year res except there were bars instead of doors and windows and people were walking up and down the halls yelling at us. Leigh's cell was to my left and Rach's was to my right. Dave and Mike's cells were in front of us. But it was so dark I couldn't see them- I could only hear them.

We had to ask to use the bathroom and be escorted to the toilet when we wanted to go. So one night, I asked to use the bathroom and just as the girl unlocked my cell, somebody down the hall started puking and she had to go help them. Since I was such a good inmate she told me how to get to the bathroom (through the doors, down 2 flights of stairs, there will be a sign, just follow the arrows). So I started walking down the stairs. The doors were heavy and had a glass pane in them. I could see shadows of the people who were patrolling the areas. So I ducked down, not wanting to be caught without an escort. I was so preoccupied with keeping out of sight I went down more flights than I was suppose to and ended up in some lobby full of people. The sign said "visitor’s area". I was still dressed in my regular clothes so I just walked through the people and through the glass doors into another room. It was big and white and had escalators going up. It looked like an airport lobby. So I went up the escalators and found my purse sitting there. I pulled out my cell phone and called Tony and Chris to tell them what happened.

They told me to wait where I was and they would find me. 10 minutes later they were standing there and Tony had a controller in his hand with a flashing red button on top. I asked him what that was and he said that his Dad made this for him and that he would know how to use it when the time came. He then said "come with me, I have a plan" and we ran back to the escalators and he pushed the button. Suddenly the visitor’s area was filling up with water and some water started to leak into the airport lobby.

Chris turned to me and said "are you ready?" I said "I guess so" and he said "I hope you remember what floor you were on!" and we started running down the escalator pulling me behind him.

Somehow we got back into the visitors area and I could breathe underwater. Everybody else was floating around and looked like they were sleeping. We started swimming towards the door that I had come out of that lead up to the cells. The whole building started slowly turning and making it very difficult to figure out which end was up.

We found the door that our cells were in and it was full of water too. My friends were all breathing and worried because they didn't know what to do. For some reason, the water and the turning of the building made it possible for everybody to squeeze out between the bars when we pulled them. As soon as the last person was out of the cell (Rachel- I'm sorry darling!) the water started to slowly come down and the spinning stopped. Tony grabbed my wrist and said, "We need to go- NOW!" and with that we took off swimming towards the doors, down the stairs into the visitor’s area and back into the airport.

When I turned around to see if anybody was coming after us, the visitor’s area had disappeared. I looked around to all my friends, and they had disappeared.

Now that was a crazy dream!

Moral of this story- I am your hero.

"Me & U"
You've been waiting so long
I'm here to answer your call
I know that I shouldn't have had you waiting at all

I've been so busy, but I've been thinking about what I wanna do with you
I know them other guys, they been talking bout the way I do what I do
They heard I was good, they wanna see if it's true
They know you're the one I wanna give it to
I can see you want me too

Now, it's me and you
It's me and you, now
I've been waiting (Waiting)
Think I wanna make that move, now
Baby, tell me if you like it (Tell me if you like it)

It's me and you, now
I've been waiting
Think I wanna make that move, now
Baby, tell me how you like it

I was waiting for you to tell me you were ready
I know what to do, if only you would let me
As long as you're cool with it, I'll treat you right
Here is where you wanna be

I know them other guys, they been talking bout the way I do what I do
They heard I was good, they wanna see if it's true
They know you're the one I wanna give it to
I can see you want me too
And now, it's me and you

It's me and you now (Baby, it's me and you)
I've been waiting
Think I wanna make that move, now (Thinking bout making that move)
Baby, tell me if you like it (Tell me if you like it)
It's me and you, now (Uh-huh)
I've been waiting (Hey)
Think I wanna make that move, now (Wanna make a move)
Baby, tell me how you like it (Yea)
Baby, I'll love you all the way down
Get cha right where you like it, I promise you'll like it (I swear)

Just relax and let me make that move (It's our secret thang)
Keep it between me and you

It's me and you, now (Oh Yea-a)
I've been waiting
Think I wanna make that move, now (Move now)
Baby, tell me if you like (Tell me if you like it)
It's me and you, now (Yea)
I've been waiting
Think I wanna make that move, now (Gonna make a move now)
Baby, tell me how you like it

It's me and you
Baby ill love you all the way down
Get you just where you like
I promise you'll like it(i swear)
Just relax and let me make a move(it's now secret)
It's me and you, nowI've been waiting (Waiting)
Think I wanna make that move, now
Baby, tell me if you like it (Tell me if you like it)
It's me and you, now
I've been waiting
Think I wanna make that move, now
Baby, tell me how you like it

It's me and you, now
I've been waiting (Waiting)
Think I wanna make that move, now
Baby, tell me if you like it (Tell me if you like it)
It's me and you, nowI've been waiting
Think I wanna make that move, now
Baby, tell me how you like it.
-Cassie

Just when you think your home free...
Life throws you a curveball.

So I have this friend who is a great person. We met in grade 9 and it was an instant attraction. But being the self conscious 14 year old I was, I passed it off because he was way too cool for me. Grade 10 found us in music class together. He played the sax or trumpet or something like that. Maybe the drums? I played the flute. Whoever designed my high school music room did a fantastic job! It was located right beside the cafeteria and beside that was the gym. The music room was made into 5 stair like areas with cupboards along the back and left hand side of the room. Every instrument had its place, and players had their section. Now the brilliance to this room was not in the ease to which every thing fit, but the separate practice rooms on the right. There were 2 rooms; one had a million books in it, a music stand and a chair. The other had a beanbag chair, a couple music stands and a table. I liked the second one.

My friend- I'm going to call him E from now on- and I used to go up to the second practice room to, well practice of course! Our practicing included of me sitting on his lap trying to teach him how to write music, and him putting his arms around me and kissing my neck and shoulder until I gave up. As time went on, we got a little more daring in our constant search for a release. Touching and kissing turned into dry humping and hand play- my first experience.
The only problem was, that we were messing around in school-, which was a big no-no for an innocent 15 year old, and that he was too popular for me.
During exams I brought him home for the afternoon and my Dad caught us red handed. Unfortunately for me, that was my first experience with oral sex and consequently, the day my cherry broke. Wow what a messy day!

To continue on this story, in grade 11, 2 new schools were built and my school was split into 3. I stayed and he left. We lost touch after a while. Fast forward to graduation. We started to talk on MSN more, and one day he asked me out. We went to the movies and out for dinner afterwards and said good-bye. Those same damn butterflies came rushing back. After that I tried to calm it down. I was leaving for University and I didn't want anything to start. Plus I was kind of involved with somebody who, incidentally was cheating on me. I left for school, but we kept in touch. My relationship with the other guy crumbled at the first chance it got.

When I came home on weekend, we would go for a walk in the park. Christmas, Reading week, Easter was all filled with me and E time. I tried to keep it innocent! But there is just something so romantic about walking on a beach after dark. Summer time came and I moved home. He constantly asked me out. But I was so busy; I couldn't even find time to eat. We had maybe a handful of dates over a 4-month period. But for some reason, he would always find out what bar I was at and would show up just to see me.

School time was coming up quickly again and I started to feel the itch to leave. My birthday was fast approaching too. My girlfriends took me out to the bar the weekend before my birthday and he showed up again- alone. Not one of his friends were in the bar. But he came just to see me. I was so drunk when he got there. I was all over the place. I just remember jumping on him and wrapping my legs around him and saying I was glad he was there. He didn't let me go for 10 minutes. He bought me a drink, and then left- leaving me with my girlfriends to have a good time.

The actual day of my birthday, I didn't get one phone call, or msn message from my friends. I got one text message and an e-mail- that’s it! I felt so lonely! E showed up to keep me company for the day. We spent all morning in the pool, with my legs around him and our bodies pressed tightly together. We went in the hot tub and then up to my room. That was a great day!

I left for school a couple days later. I couldn't get him out of my mind, but I was forced into this brand new setting and I had to deal with it. He was relentless. He didn't want to let me slip away again. Every time I came home we went for a walk on the beach. And every time I saw him he would become less affectionate towards me. I figured he lost interest and was stuck in some habit he couldn't get out of.

The past few times that I have been home, we haven't seen each other. I figured that was it. The end of the 7-year tease. But last night things changed. I don't know what brought it on. It could have been in my drunken stupor I let something slip. He was so completely honest with me about his feelings. He told me that they haven't changed since grade 9. I was and still am dumbfounded.

How could somebody continually think about one person throughout their entire teenage years, and still into there 20's, have the same feelings? Regardless of what happens, I just want him to know that he changed my life. He made me believe.

10 Days till serenity
20 Days till freedom
37 Days till Party time
40 Days till I'm nicely Aged
46 Days till Madness
54 days till the grind
Always waiting for something other than the present.
_____________________________________
Wish You Were Here
I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy
I wish you were hereI lay my head into the sand
The sky resembles a backlit canopy with holes punched in it
I'm counting UFO's
I signal them with my lighter
And in this moment I am happy...happy
I wish you were here
The world's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in
Maybe I should hold with care but my hands are busy in the air
-Incubus
______________________________________________

"I met a boy"
"Tell me about him"
"He's tall, and handsome. And his Dad is a Trauma Surgeon in Toronto. He drives a convertible. He's in 3rd year Business. He'd do anything for me."
"Wow, sounds like a keeper! What’s the problem?"
"I can't get over what you did to me."

"9 Months is a long time to live with somebody you’re fighting with."
"gah, I know! What do you suggest?"
"I suppose a hit and run is out of the question?"

"So what are you gonna get me for my birthday??"
"It's already on order!"
"What is it??"
"I'm not telling! You're going to be 21, you’re old enough for it now."
"I'm old now??"

"I had a baby"
"I'm sorry, you did what?"
"Her name is Brooklyn. She was Born 3 weeks ago."
"I'm sorry, you did what?"
"Kelly, You're an Auntie!"
"I'm not ready for this! Put it back!!"

"I just bought a 2007 Grand Prix"
"Wow, that’s quite the purchase"
"Yeah but I only get to drive it for a week until I leave for Amsterdam and England for 3 weeks."
"Apparently you shit money?"
"haha no I just signed a deal to play pro ball."
"I suddenly find myself extremely attracted to you!"

"You two fight like an old Married couple. Except you aren't old, and you aren't married- oh and you don't particularly like each other all that much."

"How much pain can one person take?"
"I don't know, but brace yourself for the worst."
"They've already started to prepare for his funeral. The grass hasn't even started to grown on her grave and now they are preparing to burry him."
"Life is strange that way."

You make my heart beat a little bit faster,
you make my brain work a little bit slower.
You give me faith when the ending looks dim,
and you pick me up when I fall down.
Your memory makes me smile for hours on end.
I feel like I'm empty when I'm not thinking about you.
I don't like how you've got this hold on me,
but I do like that I've got a hold on you.

Your the one I want to be with right now,
The one who gives me goosebumps.
Please come save me from myself,
I feel like I'm worthless without you.

I’m out of this world come with me to my planet
Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it?

CANADA DAY WEEKEND!!!
First off, I need to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to the beautiful Miss Moffatt for letting us drunks use your house for the weekend. I know it was stressful, but I really appreciated the relaxing time away from the everyday. It was great to get up knowing that I had nothing to do but sit in a pool all day and drink with my friends. The Moffatt chateau was beautiful. It really shows a lot about a person when you see their roots. And this house had so much time and effort put into it to make it beautiful, it really reflected Trish's personality. She puts effort and hard work into her relationships and school work.

The weekend was great, we set off some fireworks in the park, drank until we were all silly, and laughed the entire time. I don't think anybody lasted the weekend without getting pruney hands.

Next weeks Adventures include a long ass drive to Huntsville, Sitting on the beach, and drinking till we can swim like the fishies.

I can't wait!
__________________________________________
You say you're a big boy
But I can't agree
'Cause the love you said you had
Ain't been put on me
I wonder If I'm just too much for you
If my kiss don't make you just Wonder
What I got next for you
What you want to do?

Take a chance to recognize that this could be yours
I can see, just like most guys that your game don't please
____________________________________________

New Week, New Lessons

Another week has gone by, and it feels like I'm overwhelmed by my committments. Work, school, baseball, family.. there is no order as to what comes first, they all used to just fall into place. Now I can't seem to find enough hours in the day to do everything.. and you know what is lacking, myself. I'm not exagerating. I have not had the time to even shave in the past 2 weeks. I have not got my hair cut since February. I look like a mess, I feel unhealthy, and my room is in need of serious cleaning.

As the majority of you know, My grandmother passed away a week ago yesterday and my world has been turned upside down since. I was thrust into a spinning whirl pool of family and friends mourning, funeral arangements and burial procedures. I spent all day Monday staring at my Grandmothers lifeless body praying that she would move and this would all be over. She looked beautiful, but like a wax figure. Her usually warm hands were cold and clammy, it was not a plesant experience. I only took 2 days off work because I'm so busy as it is and my tournament would suffer if I took more than that off.

Speaking of which, my golf tournament is on Wednesday and I'm so scared. I managed to recruit 3 girlfriends to be volunteers at the holes. That should go really well! Business men love young pretty ladies!! And let me tell you, these girls are the creme of the crop! I just feel a lot better knowing that people I trust are working for me, because I know the job will be done right.

My ball team is doing horribly. We're getting mercied at almost every game. Either we win or we lose horribly. We have so many injuries on the team that we're in danger of folding. This sucks. It's so hard to maintain a positive attitude when we're getting our asses kicked because we don't have enough girls to field a team or because half the girls on the field are hurt. It's getting to the point where I just don't want to play anymore. It's really not worth the pain and aggrivation. And we've officially pulled out of the London Tournament because only 6 girls can go. So on the good side, I guess I get another weekend to party!

I'm so excited for this weekend! O-dot here we come! Bikini's, babes, hot guys, lots of food and good drinks, good company and a wicked pool. Canada Day weekend just does not get any better than that! Oakville beware.. the loo crew is comin to town!

The LORD Is My Shepherd

Yesterday evening a great woman was taken from this earth. A school teacher, a monther to 8 children, a grandmother to 28, a great grandmother to 8 with one on the way. She was known for her humanity and the uncanny ability to remember everything that was important to each one of us. She was a kind hearted, good spirited Christian.
Shirlie Mae Kelly, Rest In Peace. I love you Grandma!

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green [1] pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest [2] my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. [3]

Chelsea and Clay
Beautiful Beautiful Alberta

The things I do for my family... Friday morning, 4am to be exact, my father and I left Barrie for the Toronto Airport. We were on our way to Alberta to celebrate my cousin Chelsea marrying one of the greatest men I've ever met. I met Clay 3 years ago when I flew out to Alberta for my Nannie's funeral. He put up with the family, which by any means is not an easy task. He comforted all of the cousins even though he had just met us the day before. And he took me, an inexperienced 18year old out drinking with Rebecca, Chelsea, Rochelle and her boyfriend Steve. Well they succeeded in their mission of drowning our misery in vats of alcohol, and I succeeded in throwing it all back up multiple times, above 3 different provinces. That was the plane ride from hell. Rebecca and I finally made it back to our hotel around 4am. We giggled the entire way up the stairs, which I'm sure took us an hour to climb. I didn't have a key so we had to wake my parents up to let me in. I went to the bathroom to throwup again, and when I came out, my whole family was packing. It was 5am.

"Time to go Kel" my dad said, "The plane leaves in 3 hours"
For gods sake.. this must be some sick joke!


Needless to say, that was the plane ride from hell. Anyways, back to the real story.
So my father and I were headed out to Alberta, and I don't travel well.. So once again I found myself throwing up somewhere over Manitoba, but this time it wasn't from too much alcohol. I slept the entire 4 hour car ride from Edmonton to Jasper and woke up in time to point to a sign and tell my Dad we were here. He was not impressed. The cabins we were in were beautiful, this was mine, lucky number 13.

It was raining on friday, we had a BBQ at the chalet with the family and Chelsea and Clay's friends. That was fun except that my family is so bitter towards eachother. My Auts and Uncles hate eachother so much that they try to corner each others children to get information out of them. I don't do well with this so I left early claiming "I was too tired"


Saturday was beautiful. The sky was a bright blue, a couple puffs of white clouds scattered smongst the mountains. It was a beautiful day for a wedding. The wedding took place out on the balcony of the chalet with that gorgeous mountain view behind it.

Chelsea has never looked more beautiful. I was so proud of her. She made me cry just looking at her. She had on the most gorgeous dress I've ever seen. It is almost identical to what I have envisioned for my own wedding dress.


The whole weekend was a great get-away, but all that traveling made me very exauted. It's hard doing 24 hours of driving/flying in a 48 hour time span. It hardly leaves any time for sleep.

In addition to celebrating this occasion, we also celebrated the birth of baby Jack Robert Elliott. Jack is the son of my cousin Rochelle, Chelsea's sister, and Steve. He is a beautiful 3 week old baby boy. Congradulations Rochelle and Steve!!

Bring on the Booze

Buncha Jerks

Wipe Your Mouth, You Still Have A Little Bit Of Bullshit On It.

Today I am terrified. Terrified that I might fail. If I fail, I know I can take the test again, but what will that prove? That I need to do things twice to get it right?

Many of my friends have had to take this test more than once to pass. Some don't care. I care. Driving is what I love to do. It controls my life. I love to drive fast and slow, I love to drive with the windows down on a nice day, I love to drive standard, and I just love to drive- the freedom.

My test is at 1 today.. 2 hours to go. What if I get a grouchy old lady who doesn’t like my Jeep? Or what if I get somebody who doesn’t really care and doesn’t challenge me. What if I don't do it right because I'm too nervous? What if some jerk cuts me off? I'll just have to get back up on that pony and ride again- try it again.

Until then, I'm terrified.

Eau du Trisha (if I have to stink, so do you!)

I have a friend named Trisha
her face looks like a disha (beautifulness)
She has a sexy body and makes the boys turn to doggy's
and then she runs away and laughs(a)!

I made a deal with my buddy Trish that I would write a blog about her if she finally posted a blog after a 2-month strike. The deal was that she would write about me and I would write about her... so check me out http://www.fuckingoverwhelming.blogspot.com/

So I have this hot friend named Trish (sorry boys, she's taken... by ME). She's one of a kind! She's like a Recees Peanut Butter cup.. A sexy outer shell, and a delicious inside. But it makes people wonder, how on earth did they do that?? Well let me tell you! First Mr. and Mrs. Moffat met, they fell in love, they did NOT have sex but instead a stork delivered little baby Trish to their front porch. The stork understood that baby Trish needed to be treated like a princess so he decided that one child would suffice for Mr. and Mrs. Moffatt.

They obviously did a very good job of raising her because here she is today, in a ruffled bikini with her hand in a cast. How she got her hand in a cast you might ask? She was looking for her running shoes. Yes that’s right, looking for running shoes. On contrary to popular belief, she was not having sex with my roomie in some wild position and lost her balance and messed up all the ligaments and have a possible hairline fracture, but she was looking for running shoes. Nice one Trish!

So Trish and I met because I thought she was hot and I wanted to be friends with her. My first memory of her was... oh yeah, I was watching a movie with Tony and she came down. Somebody rang the doorbell so I got up to answer it and the little snake stole my spot!! "I'll get you my pretty" is what I said in my mind. So here I am now, almost a year later, getting my revenge!

Trish and I used to fight for the bathroom on a constant basis, but since we moved, now we don't have to. Though I still sometimes get a peak of her in a towel scampering to Ryan’s room. I live for moments like that. Trish is my hump day partner, my secret lover, my eye candy, my tanning partner and my dancing partner. She instantly makes my day better by just smiling at me. She's dating my brother Ryan, and I couldn't be happier for them. You see a light in both their eyes whenever they are around each other. You can feel like compassion and love between them. It makes me happy to know that if they can find each other, there is still hope for the rest of us!

This past year has been full of amazing moments, laughs, frustration, stress, love and the occasional cry. ("Thumbs up", "Whose in the pooper") I'm so glad this bright light has been brought into my world, "because with out youuuuu my life would be grayyyyyy" (in a sing song voice).

So cheers to my darling Trish, here's to you, to me, and to the future.
I love you!
Kelly

Funnies!!

Why don't they have Christmas at Western?
They can't find a virgin and three wise men.

How do they separate the men from the boys at McMaster?
With a restraining order.

A severe storm rumbled through Guelph last week and
destroyed the entire town: $10 worth of damage was
reported.

Why is it so windy in Kingston?
Because Queen's BLOWS!!!!

What do you get when you drive quickly through the
Lakehead campus?
An undergraduate degree.

What's the first thing a Carleton girl does when she
wakes up in the morning?
Walk home.

How can you tell if a Trent student is a heterosexual?
He can outrun his roommate!

What does a U of T student call a Laurier student after graduation?
Boss.

Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Guelph?
Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Did you hear that the library at Ryerson burned down?
Naturally, the students were very upset...some of the books weren't colored-in yet.

Why do York graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.

How do you get a Western grad off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

Who does the Waterloo Engineering Society fear the most?
Immigration.


Top Ten Reasons why University/College is like
Preschool:

10. You cry for your mother.
9. You cross the street without looking for cars.
8. Snack time is a necessity.
7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like
6. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
4. You never eat what you are supposed to.
3. Playing in the rain is a completely legitimate activity.
2. You take naps.
1. You can't remember all of your classmates' names.

You Know you've been in University/College too long
when:

A Kilometre is not too far to walk for a party
You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it
You'd rather clean than study (isn't that weird?)
You utter "Damn! How did it get so late!" at least once a night.
Often you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
Minesweeper (Snood, Counter Strike, or solitaire) is more than a game - it's a way of life.
You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.
You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
You live for getting your mail, even junk mail.
Looking out the window is another form of entertainment.
Prank phone calls become funny again.
It feels weird to take a shower without shoes.
You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
Black lights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
Your only source of money is Meal Points.
The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday

At University/College I LEARNED...

That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd sleep through it.
That I could change so much and barely realize it.
That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
That every clock on campus shows a different time.
That if you were smart in high school, so what?
That I would go to a party the night before a final.
That you can know everything and fail a test.
That you can know nothing and ace a test.
That Home is a great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.
That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.
That friendship is more than getting drunk together.
That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about.
That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
That Psychology is really Biology, Biology is really Chemistry, Chemistry is really Physics and Physics is really Math.
That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends.
That friends are what makes this place so worth while!

Random thoughts of the week...
-I like having a regular schedule. Minus waking up ridiculously early every morning. - My friends never stop amazing me. And they are always ready to go hard every weekend - Everything seems right in the world when you’re laying on a beach with sexy girls all around you. - I can't wait to see my family this weekend. I'm actually looking forward to going home. - As of Sunday, I have a new bunny! - Sun burns hurt.. a lot! - Running into old crushes is awesome. Especially when they said you look good!! - I love wine!
-Morning walks through the park are amazing. Nobody's around, and it's quiet. All of the ducks and geese have had their babies and the swans are out. It's so peaceful!
- A guy I went to Elementary and High school with got married this weekend... WTF
- Is it normal for me to be nervous about flying alone?
- I get to go to Alberta next weekend for a wedding! Up in the mountains, fresh air, and beautiful scenery.. I can't wait!
- The older I get, the more I wonder... am I relationship material?
- I love getting drunk with my girls.
- I love jumping on Tony's bed drunk.
- In my perfect world, we would stay in University together forever.. It’s way too much fun!
- LEIGH ANNE CHO YOUNG!!! hahaha..
-Song of the weekend!! Unpredictable by Jamie Foxx
- " know you're use to dinner and a movie, Why not be my dinner, while makin a movie"
"All Aboard!
The spontaneous express
Never the less always the more
From the pool table to the kitchen floor
Next stops the G spot... LUDA!
hahaha
Let me put a little bit of excite-ment
Up in yo lifestyle
You gotta know the times of the essence
I'm talkin right now
I can get, get rid of that headache
What you doin tonight
Some say that sex is overrated, but they just ain’t doin it right
I keeps it interestin baby just take them clothes off
I'll be yo Tylenol just take me till you dose off
Wake you up in the middle of the night and take you to another world
You'll wake up in the mornin feelin like another giiirl"
- Mondays suck.

What makes you any different?

You came, you wooed, we danced. You sat in the bathroom with me and rubbed my back until I could summon the energy to regurgitate everything I had consumed for the past 12 hours. You put me to bed, and you stayed with me.
I just met you that night, but you saw me in my most vulnerable state. Tall dark and handsome, my perfect man. Your looks encompassed everything I searched for. Your funny, and a good dancer, and my friends love you. But what makes you any different from every body else? Is it that there was want and need in your kiss? You made me feel like there was nowhere else in the world that you wanted to be than laying in bed with me. The shear muscular mass of your body kept me warm through the whole night. I felt so comfortable with you like I had known you for years. Like at that moment, I was exactly where I wanted and needed to be. Maybe that’s it...

The thoughts are all jumbled up in my head, like a pack of birds with no rhyme or reason. Memories, questions, answers, and conversations constantly flood my cognitions and make me question my motives.

I need to get my thoughts in order, I need to get my life in order.

As I sit here in this cubicle, doing mindless work for people who don't really care what I'm doing, I can't help but think of you. You were once my entire universe. You encompassed everything that I thought was right. You continually brought a smile to my face everyday. Before the weekend, it was a year since I saw you last.

We were high school lovers, serious but secret. Nobody knew the complexity of our relationship but us. To the world, we were friends, but as soon as the world looked away we were locked in an embrace that could melt icebergs. You were my best friend, my confident, my partner in crime and my cheerleader. You showed up to all my games, watched me make the best plays and hit my first homerun. You watched me win my first gold medal and you were there with the biggest smile on your face. You were the first person I talked to about University, and the first person I told when I was accepted.

A good friend told me that everybody remembers different moments or conversations that are significant to a relationship. It's not that one event was better than the other; it's just that at that moment, I felt the most for you. I remember catching a pop fly in a metal game and being so pissed off that you didn't come. And then after I caught it I heard you yelling and whistling and I looked over and there you were at the back fence with a huge smile on your face and you waved. My heart sank.

I was home alone and very sick. I had to cancel plans with you. Half way through the day there was a knock at my door and there you were. In your hand was a single red rose. The first and only flower you bought me. I still have that card.

The first time I met your friend Luke, we were at his parent’s house looking at a car. You had introduced me to Luke as your friend and it was obvious that Luke liked me. You started to stand closer to me and brushed my hair out of my face. I knew at that moment that this was something that would last.

The day I moved away you showed up when you said you weren't coming. You said you just had to see me one more time, to hug me one more time before I left. I stood in my drive way wrapped in each other’s arms and I didn't want to let go. That was the one and only time I ever let you see me cry.
When I saw you this weekend, you said some things to me that made me think. You said some things that I had forgotten about, but were obviously important to you. Like how we used to paint together and made up K&N painting, and some other intimate details that I had forgotten about. I still feel connected to you. And I know you felt it too. Now the hardest part is to sit and wait to see what your next move it. It's like we're playing off each other, to see where we want this to go. Regardless, I know that you were the most important relationship in my life this far, and I don't care what everybody says about you. They don't know the real you, they only know how it ended. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I forgive you.

New Apartment!!

Well we're finally moved in! My last box has been unpacked and the house is slowly coming together! After months of waiting and a horrible moving day, the time has come to sit back and relax in our beautiful home.

We decided to move at the beginning of last semester and after only viewing one apartment, we decided that it was the one for us. We signed the lease in November or December and have been anxiously awaiting moving day ever since.

Moving day was very heactic. Not only were we moving 5 people plus a full kitchen and living room, but we had to move it all to a 4th floor walk-up apartment. We had many helpers, a special Thank-You goes to Emily's Parents and brothers for lending their muscles and organizational skills. It was days like that, that I was very thankful I had 2 muscular roomies.

All this anxiety and moving was very worth the effort. The new apartment is beautiful. There are 5 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms a huge kitchen and adjoining living room with a balcony. The girls have their own wing and the boys have their own wing. It's pretty much perfect for everybody. My favourite part has to be the balcony. Every night, you can see the sun setting from the living room through the balcony. I will post pictures soon.
___________________________________________
Confidence vs. Insecurity

There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and once that line has been crossed it is hard for the person to understand that they need to take it down a level. I've noticed some changes in certian people and I'm pretty sure it has to do with insecurity rather than Confidence. Everybody knows the person I'm talking about, the one who puts on a show to cover up the insecurities they have over their body/work/school/whatever.
Sometimes you just want to shake them and tell them that everything is okay. You don't need to be perfect for people to like you. You don't need to be everybody's best friend for people to like you, you don't need to pretend anything. It's those fake people who make everybody else question themselves because they aren't perfect. And it is only those who are completly secure with their own bodies/school/work etc that can see through the mask.

So for all of you who are putting on a show, get to know yourself first and learn to love yourself before trying to convince somebody that you're somebody you're not.

Only In Barrie...

• do you go to a bar before the sun sets just to make sure your inside for the night.
• does a black 400 lb bouncer grab my boobs just to make sure they are real because my friends told him too.
• does a cougar come up to Kaitlyn grabbing her hips and telling her that she should move them more when she's dancing.
• And when Kaitlyn starts to tell her off does this cougar come back with "I'm 40 years old, you should listen to me!!"
• can you announce in the bathroom how much you hate Barrie and have another person know exactly what your talking about!
• can you run into the 'cool' guys from highschool and have them give you the "I want to fuck you" stare down all night.

A weird but Wicked night at 55 Special aka "the Cougar Bar"!

On contrary to Popular Belief... And Other Interesting Facts

-More than one person wants to see me hot a naked, and I have proof (i.e. comments on previous blog)
-I made it through 2 years of University and I'm still alive. (Though I really have no idea how I made it this far!)
-My ex boyfriend still compares me to his new girlfriends (what an ego boost!)
-I have more fun out with my girlfriends when boys aren't involved.
-I can change a light bulb by myself!
-I can hold a decent conversation without any sexual innuendo
-I get really shy around a guy I like.
-It is easier to make-out with somebody you semi-like then it is with somebody you REALLY like!
-I clean when I'm bored
-Boys suck when they are
a.) Drunk
b.) horney
c.) Sober
d.) any combination of the above
-"Lets go to my room to watch a movie" actually means, let's go lay in bed and see how far you will let me go.
-Drunk girls are silly
-Life is much better with no responsibilities.
-This summer will be the summer of Trish, Amber and Kelly
-I hate doing anything that people tell me to do. Maybe that’s the reason why I hate working AND school.
-It is very easy to relate to DMX and John Mayer at the same time.
-I am obsessed with blogging.
-I love my Jeep!!!!

-Friends make this world a hell of a lot better.

Random Thoughts of the Week

-Tomorrow is my last day of my 2nd year of University. That thought scares the shit out of me!
-I'll do anything for a friend; even if that means giving up a great job so they can stay with me for a couple months longer.
-Laying outside in the sun is the 2nd best thing in the world.
-Friends I made when I was 12 are still supporting me in my worst moments.
-I hate being home alone.
-I love waking up to a beautiful day knowing that the only plans I have is to go to the beach/park and drink with my friends.
-Guys become dicks after you sleep with them.
-I have to figure out what I want to do with my life.
-I need to start living my life for me and not for my parents
-I'm really afraid of living away from my family this summer.
-I feel like I'm missing out on a lot
-Sometimes people really annoy me.
-I HATE construction and construction workers outside my house.
-Spiders scare the shit out of me, they are unnatural!
-A good friend will talk to you online/on the phone for an hour when you’re stressed or scared. A great friend will take you out to dinner and make you laugh away your stress over a smoothie and a plate of pasta!
-The summer is my favorite time of year!
-I haven't been in a relationship for 2 years, and I'm okay with that.
-I hate Sociology
-Tanning and studying in the park with a friend almost always ends in innocent flirtations.
-Cosmo always wins over Research Methods
-Coming out of the shower and having "I want you wet and naked- love your secret admirer" written on post-it notes on my door brings an instant smile to my face. Especially if it is from Trish!
-I have been with WAY too many men
-I always go for the ass hole. The sweet, nice guys always become my friend.
-I am half way done my degree... when do I grow up?

I Hate Easter!

For most people, Easter is a joyous time. It's the ending of Lent for some, the celebration of the risen Christ, or for other's it's just another day where chocolate is scattered around the house for you to find. As I've grown up, I've always loved Easter. Even after I was too old to believe in the Easter bunny, I still played along for the sake of my younger brothers. I always dressed up and went to church with my mom, and helped her make a turkey for dinner. Easter has always signified family and chocolate.

3 years ago, my life changed. I was at work in my parent’s office on Easter Monday and my Aunt called. Instead of small talk she immediately asked to speak to my father. I knew something was wrong. I continued to work but kept my eye on the phone to see when my Dad is off the phone. As soon as he hung up, he came into my office and told his secretary to transfer all of his calls to his voicemail because he would be out of the office for a couple days.

He looked visibly upset. At that point, I have never seen my Dad cry, but he was very close to it. He sat down with me and told me that my Bumpa had to take my Nannie to the hospital that morning. He said that when he woke up, Nannie wasn't breathing. He told me that she was still alive on a machine and the doctors were waiting for all her children to arrive in Edmonton before they pulled the plug. He told me that although she was still breathing, she was brain dead and she was already in heaven.

I couldn't believe what he was saying. I had just talked to her the night before! She told me that she was feeling a lot better. I had just got accepted to University the week before and she told me how proud she was of me. Our conversation was short, but I told her I loved her and passed the phone onto my brother. What I found out later was that she had called all of her children and talked to all of her grandchildren that same night to say Happy Easter. It was almost like she knew what was coming, and she was saying her final good-byes.

I was in a daze. Tears were constantly streaming down my face. The pain inside me was more than I could bear. I collapsed in the middle of the office and just sobbed. I felt like my heart was broken. Suddenly I was thrown in the midst of something I had never experienced before. My Mom, brothers and myself flew to Edmonton the day after my Dad. The family was all there already, we were the last to arrive. I was so overwhelmed with everything and how calm everybody was! I couldn't help wondering how everybody could be so calm and upbeat. I felt like I was dieing inside and everybody else was smiling.

My older cousins took me to the mall to get an outfit for the funeral. It was fun to get to know them, but at the same time whenever a sales lady would ask us what the occasion was, I felt my heart breaking again. My cousins really were my rock for those couple days.

The day before the funeral the minister came to my Aunts house to talk with the family. We all sat around in the living room sharing stories about this great woman. What I had never realized was that she had made a nick-name up for all her granddaughters and used it instead of their name. Mine was Squirtcha. Every card I got from her, and every time I talked to her she would call me that. I have no idea where it originated from, but it's something I will cherish forever.

After the funeral my cousins and I went out on the town. "Nannie would have wanted it" we told all of our parents. I was only 18, but luckily for me, the drinking age in Alberta is 18. So we got hammered. Not a little bit drunk, but puking for the next 24 hours drunk. That plane ride back to Ontario the next day was one of the worst things I've ever done.

That Easter, this world lost an Angel. They lost a practical joker, a loving mother and grandmother. Easter has forever been changed for me; it is now a time to remember the greatest woman who ever lived. I pray that one day, I will be half the woman she ever was.

The intense flirtation has been there as long as I've known you; almost 4 years now. We always make plans to go out for coffee or see each other at the bar, and we talk about sex and the tension grows but we've never done anything about it.

We had plans to chill this time, they fell through. I was very disappointed but I figured that it wasn't meant to be, and I'd have to wait another year for a chance. My girls dragged me out to the bar the next night. They said it would be good for me. If they only knew...

Within 10 minutes of arriving, you were walking toward me through the crowd. I got butterflies. For the first time ever, I was nervous with you. Your hands slipped around my waist and our cheeks touched. You apologized for standing me up the night before and told me I looked great. I pulled back and looked into your eyes and smiled. Your buddy caught your attention and you told me you had to go but you would be back. You leaned in toward me and your lips touched my cheek. I knew at that moment that I was going home with you.

As soon as you let me go, I grabbed my friend and told her how much I wanted you. She told me to go for it.

I saw you on the dance floor later with 2 other girls. I tapped your back to let you know I was there. Your hands instantly wrapped around my body and I knew you were all mine. We talked, and grinded and the whole time I couldn't help think about how amazing this night is going to be. You didn't disappoint. You played right into my needs and invited me home with you. I thought I had you hooked.

I floated around the dance floor, but never being out of sight of one another. Always finding each other again after a couple songs. Just as I thought, we left together. After I dropped my friends off we headed to your place. Being alone with you felt surprisingly natural. I was excited but relaxed. We lay together, we talked, and we connected. This is the kind of relationship I've been wanting from you for a long time. As you were falling asleep I told you I was leaving. You tried to convince me to stay the night, but I've never done that before and it scared me.

Maybe next time...
___________________________________
Addicted

It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me...
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me,
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now...

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
- Kelly Clarkson