1. You are not a victim. No matter what happens to you, don't take the pussy route and blame the world for your misfortune. If you were sexually assaulted, verbally abused, etc and lived to tell about it; take your pain and help those who need it. Writing emo poetry isn't going to solve anything.

2. Invest in your education first, your looks second. Anyone can pay a plastic surgeon to look hot, but not everyone can read a book and do simple math.

3. No matter what you call it, having a 'man to take you shopping' is glorified prostitution. He wants you for your body, you want him for his wallet. Cut the crap and call it what it is.

4. Do not seek confidence in other people. Magazines, celebrities and most pop influences are there to make you feel like you're nothing. Don't buy into it. Those celebrities need your money to look fabulous. Invest in yourself, not hype.

5. Stop fueling gossip mongers [Perez Hilton, TMZ.]. They have nothing to talk about and if you follow them for long, neither will you.

6. Be modest; why have all your goods unwrapped and leave nothing for the imagination?

7. Know the difference between fucking and love. There is a major difference and if you don't know it, pick up a book or ask someone who does.

8. Do not have children just because you're lonely or insecure. Your child will end up hating you for it and you won't get the emotional blanket you hoped you'd get.

9. Get a job. Seriously. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean that you are excused from work. Find a trade, get a job. If you are a house wife, be a good one. If you are a career woman, put your heart into what you do.

10. A respectable companion is rarely at a 'bar' or da club'. These places are meat markets and will only set you up for a douchebag or a wimp. If you go, refer to rule 7.

11. Learn to cook. Cooking is a dying skill that needs not be. You'd be surprise how much weight you lose and how you can get a decent companion if you know more than picking up a phone and calling for dinner.

12. Get off your phone. If it's not your best friend, your job or your family, your cackling is not important and the rest of the world does not want to hear it. Listen more. Talk less.

13. Stop using men to get you stuff. Have some self respect and buy your own drinks, meals and entertainment. A date will respect you more if you show them you are not helpless.

14. Perfume and baby powder does not make up for good hygiene. Shower, do your laundry, clean your place. Body odor is not excusable for either genders.

15. If you are a Lesbian, respect yourself and stop trying to find acceptance in the world. 9/10 they will not accept you. Tell them 'fuck you' and be your own woman.

16. If you are a Lesbian, you are not anymore special or important than anyone else. You love other women and you have that right, but do not flex your preference thinking it makes you unique. Your mind and experiences make you unique, either gay or straight.

17. Buy clothes that fit. Be tasteful with your clothing be you big or small.

18. Don't eat for comfort, vomit to make yourself beautiful, and starve yourself to feel loved. Exercise, be sensible with your food choices, don't deprive yourself but never eat too much. The quickest way to a size 30, and to the grave, is past your teeth.

19. If they say the love you, ask them to earn your heart through good deeds, genuine kindness and respect.

20. Romance is not dead; but if you're not willing to give it, don't expect it in return.

21. Stop being a bitch to other women and other people. If you are not happy, go get therapy. No one deserves to be berated because you don't have the guts to berate yourself.

22. Do something new every day. Pole dance to learn about your sensuality, paint to express your creativity, write a blog to express your soul. Evolve and never stop learning.

23. Look in the mirror everyday and smile at what you see.

24. Stay safe. Learn to defend yourself against one or multiple attackers. Jackals do not attack if they see a big stick. If all else fails, run. There is no shame in running if it keeps you safe.

25. Love yourself. Always. When you love yourself to the fullest, the world will open with opportunities

26. Stay positive. The world may seem dark but there will always be another guy, another job, another happy moment. Live for the happy moments.

I can almost see it... that dream I am dreaming. But there's a voice inside my head saying"You'll never reach it."

Every step I'm taking, every move I make feels lost with no direction. My faith is shaking.

But I gotta keep trying. Gotta keep my head held high. There's always gonna be another mountain and I'm always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be a uphill battle -sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.

The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking sometimes might knock me down but I'm not breaking. I may not know it, but these are probably the moments that I'm gonna remember most. Just gotta keep going and I need to be strong and just keep pushing on.

Tomorrow is the day. I have no idea what to expect. I keep racking my brain trying to remember what my doctor said I should do and what I should expect. I'm proud of myself - I only cried once this weekend and luckily he didn't see. I'm trying hard to be strong so that if anything happens, at least one person will be able to say, "she was a strong woman." I just don't want to burden anybody with my problems anymore. I decided tonight that I am going to face this by myself unless somebody asks me to become involved. If I can do this, I can do anything.

I think it's sad that the only place I feel really safe is with him. I sleep better when he is beside me. I feel better in general when I am at his house. It's really sad that I can't feel my best when I am alone. This is something I am trying to work on. It isn't healthy to depend on another person in order to feel your best. Not saying that I intentionally do this, but who doesn't sleep better knowing somebody who is twice your size is laying next to you? Especially when you've lived through a home invasion. It's just a piece of mind I suppose, but that is why I have a dog.

Less focus on man, more focus on dog. Dog has, can and will protect me if the situation arises.

Well, in a matter of 10 minutes I went from being wide awake to my eyes half shut. It is bed time. Sweet dreams.

Another sleepless night.

ugh wtf. Posting last night helped me fall asleep instantly, so here goes again...

I'm getting a tattoo. I've decided what I want and where I want it. I've come to terms with the fact that it will hurt, but life hurts.

I'm sitting here in bed with the lights off wondering when my brain will get a clue and remember that sleep is good! I heard thumping like somebody was storming down the stairs. I turned the light on for a second and listened again- nothing. What the hell is going on. I layed back down again and a couple minutes later I heard it again... thump thump thump thump. I grabbed my cell phone and shined it across my room. There is Miss Lexie sound asleep with her tail wagging. What a cutie. At least somebody around here is having good dreams.

I finished part of a project today that I have been wanting to complete for a very long time. I refinished my side table in an off white colour and put some black decals on the top. I saw a lamp the other day that was similar- so obviously I must go buy it!

I also sanded down and spray painted my dining room chairs. This took me a grand total of eight hours to complete the spray painting. From the primer to the many coats of metallic black car paint- they look awesome now. I also reupholstered the seats in the same off-white colour as I painted the table.

Next I'm debating breaking out the sander again and tackling my kitchen table. I have 3/4 a can of paint left and it might be nice to have a matching set? I guess I'll see how ambitious I am feeling tomorrow.

I've been afraid to write lately. The entire purpose of this blog is for me to remember the ups and downs of my life in the event that something happens to me and I have problems remembering. I also write to express myself in a way that I feel comfortable with. I write to make sense of complicated situations. I write to remind myself of where I came from and how far I've actually come. I write for me. But I don't want to remember this point in time in my life. There is too much wrong- too much negativity.

But I feel like I am restraining myself from speaking my mind and possibly making sense of situations that are bothering me. Maybe if I get all this mumbled junk out of my head, I'll finally be able to sleep again.

I'm scared. Sometimes there are events in your life in which you just have no control over. I've been diagnosed with "pre-cancerous" cells in my cervix which means that I am sick. How sick? Well I don't know, and I won't know until after my appointment on Monday. I'm frustrated with the medical system. The first week of September I went to the doctors for a check up. I had just broken up with a man I didn't trust and I felt that I should get checked out for my own piece of mind. Plus, I had to get my birth control re-prescribed in October. I figured I would go a month early... what was the harm. Well, woman's intuition was correct, I was sick. I was infected with a disease which has the potential to make me infertile. When I got that call I was instantly angry. I was furious. I was angry with myself. I let him do this to me... I wasn't good enough to make him keep his cock in his pants and he's hurt me physically and mentally because of his selfishness.

I was so angry with life but I was thankful that it only took my doctor eight days to get back to me. Wow.. what a relief that I figured this out soon enough. It may not hurt me in the long run. What a relief. I thought the worst of it was behind me.

I was so wrong. Two weeks later, a full three weeks after my initial appointment, my doctor called again. Worse news. Pre-cancer. Wow. That hit me like a brick. I sat down on the floor of my kitchen and tried my best to listen to what my doctor was telling me. I tried to absorb all of the information but I believe I was in shock and I don't know everything that she was trying to tell me. When I answered the phone I had my cell phone in my hand. As I sat on my kitchen floor sobbing, I sent a text message to him asking him to call me. I truly had no other thought in my mind except, I need to tell Tom. He'll make it better.

Two weeks after that moment I got a call from the hospital telling me that I had an appointment with a specialist in two weeks. That makes seven weeks from my initial appointment. What the hell is wrong with this system that it takes seven weeks from initial contact to see a specialist. Why does it take four weeks, a full month, since a woman is told she may have cancer and a larger chance of never have children, before she is seen by another doctor. That is just ludicrous. And it is no wonder woman all over Canada are walking zombies- too stressed out with worry to pay attention to what is going on around her.

I can only wonder how long it is going to take the hospital to get back to me with the test results.



Still no job. Two interviews so far, no luck yet. Things are starting to look up, and it is true that I said it will probably be mid October before I start to get interviews. The whole process was put into perspective for me today. 146 applicants for an entry level position. 16 chosen for a phone interview (which I was chosen for). 4-6 will be chosen for an in person interview. Then one final person will be selected. One out of 146 people. Holy crap. Looks like I have my work cut out for me.



I feel like my life is just one bad Jenga game. Everything is resting on each other and just ready to topple over at any time. BUT if one simple thing falls into place, everything will shift and maybe I won't feel like saying "fuck it" and going to work at Hooters. Just get me that job which will get me the apartment where I can put my clothes and furniture and get my privacy back. My piece of mind, my independence.



My Bumpa is sick. I always counted on him sticking around. He's survived two heart attacks, open heart surgery and an broken heart. I thought he was a goner after my Nannie passed away. I had never seen a man cry for so long and so hard. It broke my heart just looking at him. The sadness in his eyes, the way he looked at her picture, the broken spirit of a man I've only ever known as strong. After it all, he still talks about her like she's still around. I suppose his life hasn't changed much. I still hear him talking to her before he goes to bed at night. He always makes too much food for breakfast. He still goes through the motions. There is just nobody to talk back, nobody to eat that food and nobody to touch him to tell him it will be okay. Through the heartbreak I learned that I want a man who will look like that and feel like he did when I die. As horrible as that sounds, he was only that upset because their 53 years together was full of love, children, grandchildren, vacations and special moments shared between them. I can only hope to be that lucky. I guess I was selfish to want him to be at my wedding. Since I don't believe that is happening anytime soon, his memory will have to do.

At the end of August my family held him a surprise birthday party even though his birthday is in January. It seemed odd but I figured it was because he's usually in Mexico and our family hasn't got together for a long while. I guess somebody else knew more than I did. I got a rare opportunity to sit down with Bumpa's new girlfriend, Helen, to talk about life. I had never met her before, but I had heard all about her for the past two or three years. It just felt right to talk to her. What a wonderful lady. She reminds me of my Nannie so much- so warm and caring. I talked to her like I had known her forever.

That weekend I had found out some very disturbing information about Tom and I was distraught. Helen seemed like the only safe place for me. She was so genuine with her concern. She told me about when her husband died and how it tore her apart. She said she could see how hurt I was just by looking in my eyes. She told me I am a beautiful woman and I deserve to find a good man like my Bumpa is. I miss my Nannie. But I am thankful to have Helen in my life. I just wish I could spend more time with her. I feel like she is somebody I can learn a lot from.