For the first time in a long time, I woke up with a smile on my face.
It scared me.

If I knew that would be the last time I would talk to you, I wonder what else I would have said to you. I think you knew you would be leaving this earth soon. I think that’s why you called me. You always made me feel like the most special person in the room. I always believed that I was your favorite. At your funeral I listened to the stories people were saying about you. I listened to how you touched everybody's life and how you always made them feel like they were special. I had people I didn't know come up to me and tell me how you had touched their life. I couldn't say anything back because I was so devastated. I couldn't open my mouth without gasping for breath. The tears continually ran down my face and I was blinded.
I cried tonight. Not because you are gone, but because I forgot. I forgot how I felt that day. I forgot how you made me feel, and I forgot what you used to say to me. I was too busy going forward that I forgot to look back.
I remember being a child. I remember when you visited. You always had a trunk full of goodies from Mexico. Your tanned skin glistened in the spring sun when I looked through the window. You broke out into the biggest smile when I came running out of the house. I remember coming home from school and you would have a home made snack sitting on the kitchen table, and I used to sit there with you and tell you what I learned. I read you books, I played barbies with you and I cuddled with you at night when you read me a story.
Those who don't you know, don't understand the bond we had; the bond you had with everybody. You are what I aspire to be.
My Dad hasn't been the same since you left us. I hope you are proud of me and of who I've become.
I miss you.
'Till we meet again at heaven's gate-
Yours forever.
Squirtcha.

My Secrets

- I'm not attracted to you. I just pretend to be so that you will pay attention to me.
- I don't deserve to be where I am. It is just a fluke that I've stayed in the game so long.
- I love the way you act now that you are with her. I'm sorry I couldn't do that for you.
- I told him you cheated so that he would realize what a huge Whore you are.
- I sleep with the music on so I don't feel so alone.
- The reason why I don't take your money is because I feel like you are trying to buy my love.
- I wonder what my life would be like if I never met you.
- I once hid behind a tree when I saw you walking towards me because I had a huge zit on my face.
- I fucked your boyfriend.
- I've had impure thoughts in church.
- I miss the way you look at me.
- It was me who super glued your locker.
- Remember when somebody told your parents you fucked your boyfriend in their car, and I comforted you while you cried all night? Yeah that was me too.
- I told everybody you have a small dick.
- I can't stand your voice.
- When we have sex, I think about baseball. Thats why there is a huge smile on my face.
- I have no idea how you are in University. You have the IQ of a small rodent.
- I still think about you.
- I farted on your Lucky Charms. And watched you eat them.
- I'm attracted to guys who fail because I like to feel superior.
- I talked behind your back. And I liked it.
-I cheated on a test
- I had sex at my highschool.
- I talk to myself
- I have a crush on a gay man.
- I never loved you.

"Hello Pretty Lady" He says as I run across the street.
"Hey Big Guy! How are you?" I reply as I wrap my arms around him then try to pull away.
"Hold me just a little big longer"
With his arms wrapped around my shoulders and mine around his waist. I take in a deep breath.
"Whats wrong?"
"I have two midterms next week. I'm so stressed!" He puts his head on my shoulder looking at me. I can feel him breathing in deep and playing with my hair.
His arms tighten around me, pulling me into his chest causing me to exhale and inhale again breathing in his sent.
"You'll do amazing babe, you always do" I tell him and my grip tightens. We are constantly in this position. An intimate moment in a public setting.
"Thanks Kel. You know, I could probably stay like this all day"
I think to myself; the scary thing is, I could too.
"Yeah, except we're on the street corner! People are going to start honking!"
"Fuck 'em."
I laugh and move my head into his neck and take another deep breath. I feel so safe in his arms.
To the unsuspecting passer by, this could look like a good-bye between lovers. To us, it's a hello between friends. I feel so comfortable around him, I can't even explain it.
"I have to get to class. See you tonight?"
"I wouldn't miss it for the world!"
Thats the answer I wanted to hear.

I wish I could tell you what I want.
I wish I could tell you how I feel.
Something is missing in my life, but I can't explain what it is.
You make me so happy, and so sad at the same time.
I wish you would just see me for who I am. Who I really am.
I wish you would just give in to what you want.

Who cares what they think?
I can make you happy. You can make me complete.

"haaaaaaaaaapppy birthhhdayyy"
"Thanks babe, but this is the 3rd time you've said that to me!"
"You are just that special!"
"Aw, you're a sweetheart"
"Okay, I'm going to bed. If I'm not at your place by 2, call me and wake my ass up!"
"Sounds like a deal, drunkie!"
- Side note: This conversation happened at 10am _________________________________
"Hello?"
"HEY! Who's this?"
"You called me! It's Kelly"
"ohhh Shit! Hey Girl, how are you doing?"
"I'm fine, who is this?"
"Nick, remember me?"
"How could I forget? Why are you calling me at midnight?"
"To say Happy Birthday!"
"Thanks, but it was 2 days ago."
"I know, I'm sorry. HEY I was watching Much Music the other night and I heard a song that reminded me of you. You should hear it!"
"I'll get right on that."
"I'm trying to plan a trip to the loo to visit. I miss you"
"I haven't talked to you in months, why would you want to come spend a night with me?"
"Because we have amazing sex."
"well than..."
"Okay I'm going to let you get back to bed. I miss you and I love you. I always have and I always will. Don't forget! Meant to be baby."
"Right... night!"
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"Hey Horndawg"
"I'm never going to live that nickname down, am I?"
"Probably not."
"You're just jealous!"
"haha and what would I be jealous of?"
"The fact that I have a better sex drive than you do!"
"I highly doubt that!"
"Prove it :P"
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"When I grow up, I want to be a cowboy!"
"Oh yeah? Well when I grow up, I want to be a playboy photographer!"
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Change
Orientation week isn't just for the 1st years. It's an opportunity for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and even 5th years to come together and volunteer their time towards something great. It was hard work and long hours, but it was completely worth it. I met tons of people, I had the opportunity to do something that I would have never done before, and I got to reflect on how much I've changed in the past 2 years. I remember move-in day. We came up to the stadium and there was a line up of screaming people who made a tunnel and made me run through it. I was terrified. What kind of school allows crazy people to go there? What was I getting myself into?
2 years later, I am that crazy person yelling and screaming and cheering at the 1st years.

Today I was 5 minutes late for a class. I came up to the closed door and looked in and stopped myself. The people in the class looked too old for me. I clearly had the wrong class. I opened my bag and checked my class list, and sure enough, I was in the right place. I am that old.
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I made history Monday night. I was the first EVER female DJ to DJ at the Turret.
If that isn't big, I don't know what is!