You are in my head, I can't get you out. I need closure, it never really ended.
Why do you have this hook on me? To make me go weak?
I feel like breaking down, I'm crying inside.
I just need to see you to stop this. To hear you say you don't want me any more. Why won't you say that? Stop telling me you think about me when you're with her. I can't handle it. Boo you need to get out of my head. I need to move on. This 3 year hold has got to go.

"Lips Of An Angel"

Honey why are you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late

The case of the raging Alcoholic
Birthdays suck so much but they also make me realize how blessed I am. As much as it sucks to get one more year older, although nothing really changes from one day to the next. It's just a number that changes, it really doesn't define me. But that number hangs over my head like a looming cloud of depression.

This year, was probably one of the best birthdays I've ever had (with the exception of my 6th birthday when I got this kick ass customized barbie house). I had a ton of friends come into town just for the party. Some of them didn't even stay more than 24 hours.





















I know a lot of shit happened throughout the year, but it's the constant love I recieve from my friends that keeps me hanging on. It wasn't what we did that made that day special, it was who was there. It was the little notes I found all over my room the next day. It was the immense amount of love I felt on that day. So thank you to my friends, my family and everybody I love. You make this life worth living. You make me who I am.

I got a card in the mail yesterday. The first birthday card of the year. Surprisingly it was mailed to my Waterloo address, not my Barrie one. There was no return address on it. You always know it's a birthday card because it's in one of those colorful envelopes that say "Hallmark" or something like that one it. I ripped it open and $20 fell to the ground. Bumpa! I thought I knew that handwriting! My Bumpa sent me a birthday card. He took the time to get my school address because he knew I was staying here for the summer. What a sweet man.

I was sitting at home last night thinking. I glanced up to the card sitting on the mantle above the TV and a thought hit me so hard I almost fell over. He is my last grandparent. 3 years ago, I had never experienced Death. 3 years ago I had everybody I loved around me. Now, He's all I have left.

Granted, my grandfather is still alive, not doing well, but still alive! He doesn’t count though. He never once made an effort to get to know me. He has never seen my brothers, and he hasn't talked to my Mom in over 10 years.

I just happened to be watching the end of Gray Anatomy where the two people were together with a pole stuck through them and in order to save one of them, the other had to die. So I cried like a little baby. Curled up on the couch in the fetal position, all alone. I have never felt so alone in my life.

I'm happy for you. I really am. I remember what happened between us in the past, but it's in the past. New year, new life, new house- let's wipe the slate clean. All I ask is that you don't try to hide it from me. I'm not blind. Please give me some respect.
I'm sorry things have worked out this way. But sometimes the best way to heal a broken heart is to hate. I just hope that one day we can mend the rift and be friends again. I need to be friends with you again.

Let's forgive and forget. For we cannot truely know eachothers strengths until we test the boundaries.

Your body entices me
Your mind entraps me
Your kiss weakens me
And your embrace drowns me
__________________________________
I don't want to think about you anymore!! You invade my thoughts and dreams; you make it impossible for any other man to compete. You have a hook in me. I need to let go. I need to be free.
__________________________________
I saw you watching me, if only for a second. I saw you out of the corner of my eye. You smiled. I laughed. Your hand found my thigh. I froze. What do you do when something is so perfect, it's wrong?
__________________________________
"I drove past Barrie tonight"
"Oh yeah? I was in Barrie this morning"
"I know, that’s why I thought of you. I was going to stop but I figured that you would already be gone."
"Well you were right my dear. I was already back home"
"I've never felt this way about anybody before."
"And which way is that?"
"I just need to fuck you again!"
_________________________________

"You're always on the go. There is no rest for you!! After one thing is done, the next is coming up! Kel, you need to slow down!"
"I'll slow down when I die"
"If you keep this up, that may come sooner than you think!"

2 Final exams
1 13 page paper
1 golf tournament
3 ball games
---------------
5 days

It's go time!

Life in a Nutshell

Life is hard. period. end of sentence.
My friends are the only people who I can be myself with. Nobody else would get it.
This time next year, things will have changed drastically
A weekend home can cure the blues- or make them worse
There is nothing better than the cottage
Children laughing out of happiness makes me all warm inside
Old people holding hands makes me smile- I want to be old and holding hands
I suck at this gym thing. I am doomed to be a little bit overweight forever
I can't wait to have babies. I want one now
Gay men are probably the funniest people on earth
Victorias Secret is god
Tucker Max is probably the funniest straight guy ever
I get bored very easily
I have a big ego
It is impossible for somebody to love me forever because I change so much
There are only 3 men in this world I can always count on.
I can't keep my room clean for more than a day
I just don't give a shit anymore.. if you don't like me, thats too bad for you
I get very excited very easily.
It IS possible to fall in love with somebody's personality and not their body
Being alone sucks

I hope that one day, if only for a day, we can be happy with eachother.
I hope that everything I do is for a purpose.
I hope that I made the right decision
I hope that you forget about the past, but don't forget about me
I hope that it's not too late
I hope that you will find happiness, with or without me
I hope that I will see her again one day
I hope that at my funeral people will talk about the amazing things I accomplished with my life, not my mistakes
I hope that you grow up and marry a beautiful and intelligent woman, but always have time for your big sister
I hope that I come out of this rut soon
I hope that you will one day see, how much I really love you
I hope that you get what you deserve
I hope that your happy with her because you destroyed any chance with me
I hope that I make you proud
I hope that a giant band-aid will come and cover my heart
I hope that my dreams come true, but my nightmares don't
I hope that I don't break your heart
I hope that one day, I will be complely happy
I hope that she knew how special she was to me
I hope that we can find a middle ground
I hope that I can stop mourning your death, and start celebrating your life
I hope that I will one day, know love like you do
I hope I pass this course
I hope that you regret what you did to me
I hope you know that it has taken me 2 years to forgive you
I hope you know that you take my breath away


I hope you know you changed my life.

Who Knew?

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again

And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew
- Pink

I'll always remember... do you? Ment to be...

I took them out to the break wall to look at the stars.
It was so dark you couldn't see what was in front of you. You had only the moon light to guide you.
I told them to lay down and look up. To listen to the waves crash around you and to feel the spray of the lake as you look up at the millions of stars above.
I'm so glad I got to share this with them. My own flesh and blood.
10 Minutes later, my 13 year old cousin comes over to me and I sit up.
She says she needs to say something. I put my arm around her and ask what is wrong.
She says, "I'd like to believe that the stars are just the souls of the people who have passed on who want to watch us and protect us at night."
I looked at her and said, "Thats very profound for somebody your age. I like that idea. Which one do you think Grandma is?"
She looked up into the sky and after a couple minutes of staring she said, "I think that one right there is Grandma!" As she pointed to the highest and brightest star in the sky- Venus.
I told her, "I think your right!"
She then proceeded to tell me why she picked that star.
"I picked that start because it is the brightest star in the sky. It's right above us and it reminds me of our family. Because Grandma started it all. It's like she's at the top and the rest of the stars around her are us. It looks like our family tree."
I looked up at the star and a tear came down my cheek. "You're right my dear, you sure are right."
_______________________________________________
The first family gathering after somebody passes on is a hard one. Although you all may have dealt with it already, seeing everybody again brings waves of grief back. People talk about their memories, and you are forced to reach back into your memories for some to share as well.
I'm glad I came out here. I'm glad I got to experience what used to bring my Grandmother joy. I'm glad I got to hear the story of her life.