Only In Barrie...

• do you go to a bar before the sun sets just to make sure your inside for the night.
• does a black 400 lb bouncer grab my boobs just to make sure they are real because my friends told him too.
• does a cougar come up to Kaitlyn grabbing her hips and telling her that she should move them more when she's dancing.
• And when Kaitlyn starts to tell her off does this cougar come back with "I'm 40 years old, you should listen to me!!"
• can you announce in the bathroom how much you hate Barrie and have another person know exactly what your talking about!
• can you run into the 'cool' guys from highschool and have them give you the "I want to fuck you" stare down all night.

A weird but Wicked night at 55 Special aka "the Cougar Bar"!

On contrary to Popular Belief... And Other Interesting Facts

-More than one person wants to see me hot a naked, and I have proof (i.e. comments on previous blog)
-I made it through 2 years of University and I'm still alive. (Though I really have no idea how I made it this far!)
-My ex boyfriend still compares me to his new girlfriends (what an ego boost!)
-I have more fun out with my girlfriends when boys aren't involved.
-I can change a light bulb by myself!
-I can hold a decent conversation without any sexual innuendo
-I get really shy around a guy I like.
-It is easier to make-out with somebody you semi-like then it is with somebody you REALLY like!
-I clean when I'm bored
-Boys suck when they are
a.) Drunk
b.) horney
c.) Sober
d.) any combination of the above
-"Lets go to my room to watch a movie" actually means, let's go lay in bed and see how far you will let me go.
-Drunk girls are silly
-Life is much better with no responsibilities.
-This summer will be the summer of Trish, Amber and Kelly
-I hate doing anything that people tell me to do. Maybe that’s the reason why I hate working AND school.
-It is very easy to relate to DMX and John Mayer at the same time.
-I am obsessed with blogging.
-I love my Jeep!!!!

-Friends make this world a hell of a lot better.

Random Thoughts of the Week

-Tomorrow is my last day of my 2nd year of University. That thought scares the shit out of me!
-I'll do anything for a friend; even if that means giving up a great job so they can stay with me for a couple months longer.
-Laying outside in the sun is the 2nd best thing in the world.
-Friends I made when I was 12 are still supporting me in my worst moments.
-I hate being home alone.
-I love waking up to a beautiful day knowing that the only plans I have is to go to the beach/park and drink with my friends.
-Guys become dicks after you sleep with them.
-I have to figure out what I want to do with my life.
-I need to start living my life for me and not for my parents
-I'm really afraid of living away from my family this summer.
-I feel like I'm missing out on a lot
-Sometimes people really annoy me.
-I HATE construction and construction workers outside my house.
-Spiders scare the shit out of me, they are unnatural!
-A good friend will talk to you online/on the phone for an hour when you’re stressed or scared. A great friend will take you out to dinner and make you laugh away your stress over a smoothie and a plate of pasta!
-The summer is my favorite time of year!
-I haven't been in a relationship for 2 years, and I'm okay with that.
-I hate Sociology
-Tanning and studying in the park with a friend almost always ends in innocent flirtations.
-Cosmo always wins over Research Methods
-Coming out of the shower and having "I want you wet and naked- love your secret admirer" written on post-it notes on my door brings an instant smile to my face. Especially if it is from Trish!
-I have been with WAY too many men
-I always go for the ass hole. The sweet, nice guys always become my friend.
-I am half way done my degree... when do I grow up?

I Hate Easter!

For most people, Easter is a joyous time. It's the ending of Lent for some, the celebration of the risen Christ, or for other's it's just another day where chocolate is scattered around the house for you to find. As I've grown up, I've always loved Easter. Even after I was too old to believe in the Easter bunny, I still played along for the sake of my younger brothers. I always dressed up and went to church with my mom, and helped her make a turkey for dinner. Easter has always signified family and chocolate.

3 years ago, my life changed. I was at work in my parent’s office on Easter Monday and my Aunt called. Instead of small talk she immediately asked to speak to my father. I knew something was wrong. I continued to work but kept my eye on the phone to see when my Dad is off the phone. As soon as he hung up, he came into my office and told his secretary to transfer all of his calls to his voicemail because he would be out of the office for a couple days.

He looked visibly upset. At that point, I have never seen my Dad cry, but he was very close to it. He sat down with me and told me that my Bumpa had to take my Nannie to the hospital that morning. He said that when he woke up, Nannie wasn't breathing. He told me that she was still alive on a machine and the doctors were waiting for all her children to arrive in Edmonton before they pulled the plug. He told me that although she was still breathing, she was brain dead and she was already in heaven.

I couldn't believe what he was saying. I had just talked to her the night before! She told me that she was feeling a lot better. I had just got accepted to University the week before and she told me how proud she was of me. Our conversation was short, but I told her I loved her and passed the phone onto my brother. What I found out later was that she had called all of her children and talked to all of her grandchildren that same night to say Happy Easter. It was almost like she knew what was coming, and she was saying her final good-byes.

I was in a daze. Tears were constantly streaming down my face. The pain inside me was more than I could bear. I collapsed in the middle of the office and just sobbed. I felt like my heart was broken. Suddenly I was thrown in the midst of something I had never experienced before. My Mom, brothers and myself flew to Edmonton the day after my Dad. The family was all there already, we were the last to arrive. I was so overwhelmed with everything and how calm everybody was! I couldn't help wondering how everybody could be so calm and upbeat. I felt like I was dieing inside and everybody else was smiling.

My older cousins took me to the mall to get an outfit for the funeral. It was fun to get to know them, but at the same time whenever a sales lady would ask us what the occasion was, I felt my heart breaking again. My cousins really were my rock for those couple days.

The day before the funeral the minister came to my Aunts house to talk with the family. We all sat around in the living room sharing stories about this great woman. What I had never realized was that she had made a nick-name up for all her granddaughters and used it instead of their name. Mine was Squirtcha. Every card I got from her, and every time I talked to her she would call me that. I have no idea where it originated from, but it's something I will cherish forever.

After the funeral my cousins and I went out on the town. "Nannie would have wanted it" we told all of our parents. I was only 18, but luckily for me, the drinking age in Alberta is 18. So we got hammered. Not a little bit drunk, but puking for the next 24 hours drunk. That plane ride back to Ontario the next day was one of the worst things I've ever done.

That Easter, this world lost an Angel. They lost a practical joker, a loving mother and grandmother. Easter has forever been changed for me; it is now a time to remember the greatest woman who ever lived. I pray that one day, I will be half the woman she ever was.

The intense flirtation has been there as long as I've known you; almost 4 years now. We always make plans to go out for coffee or see each other at the bar, and we talk about sex and the tension grows but we've never done anything about it.

We had plans to chill this time, they fell through. I was very disappointed but I figured that it wasn't meant to be, and I'd have to wait another year for a chance. My girls dragged me out to the bar the next night. They said it would be good for me. If they only knew...

Within 10 minutes of arriving, you were walking toward me through the crowd. I got butterflies. For the first time ever, I was nervous with you. Your hands slipped around my waist and our cheeks touched. You apologized for standing me up the night before and told me I looked great. I pulled back and looked into your eyes and smiled. Your buddy caught your attention and you told me you had to go but you would be back. You leaned in toward me and your lips touched my cheek. I knew at that moment that I was going home with you.

As soon as you let me go, I grabbed my friend and told her how much I wanted you. She told me to go for it.

I saw you on the dance floor later with 2 other girls. I tapped your back to let you know I was there. Your hands instantly wrapped around my body and I knew you were all mine. We talked, and grinded and the whole time I couldn't help think about how amazing this night is going to be. You didn't disappoint. You played right into my needs and invited me home with you. I thought I had you hooked.

I floated around the dance floor, but never being out of sight of one another. Always finding each other again after a couple songs. Just as I thought, we left together. After I dropped my friends off we headed to your place. Being alone with you felt surprisingly natural. I was excited but relaxed. We lay together, we talked, and we connected. This is the kind of relationship I've been wanting from you for a long time. As you were falling asleep I told you I was leaving. You tried to convince me to stay the night, but I've never done that before and it scared me.

Maybe next time...
___________________________________
Addicted

It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me...
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me,
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now...

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
- Kelly Clarkson

As I am sitting on my ass watching TV in my childhood home, a commercial came on that caught my attention. It wasn't necessarily what the commercial was selling because I wasn't watching it, but what was said.

"As we move through life, we tend to learn something new every day"

I got to thinking about this quote, and what I've learned today is that I need to be wanted to be happy. It is not enough for me to be happy with myself, but I need somebody else to want to have sex with me. Since I am in Barrie, there are a handful of guys who regularly keep in touch with me and are constantly trying to get in my pants whenever I am home. This is annoying, but at the same time it makes me happy to know that I have people waiting for me to come back.
This usually entails many plans made before I even leave waterloo, late night phone calls or text messages once I'm in Barrie, and many men begging for me to come out at 2am. Usually when I come home I'm exhausted. I don't sleep very well in Waterloo, and my house in Barrie is so quiet, I just pass out in my huge fluffy bed. I get really annoyed whenever my sleep is disturbed but at the same time, it's always by a guy who wants to see me. Though I have never gone out that late to meet a guy, they still ask, beg and try to proposition me with sexual favors.
It's fun to think that the guys I messed around with in high school still want me 3 years later. And for the most part, they have all grown up and look so much better than they did before. But for some reason I'm just not into it anymore. Something has changed inside me, and though I love being wanted, I want to settle down. And I think that scares me more than anything in the world. Good Lord, what has my world come to?!?!?

"You And Me"

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove

And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
- Lifehouse
________________________________________

What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to be?
I feel like I have let a part of me go in certian situations. But at the same time, I've never felt so alive. I am taking time out for me; I am stopping and smelling the flowers so to speak. Every day a new piece of the Kelly puzzle is revealed, but it's up to me to decide which piece.

There's so much more to me than what you see. Only certain people have had the opportunity to see right into my soul, and at this moment I feel betrayed by every one of them. That is just how friendships work. A lot of give and take.

How can you define a friendship? How can you say who your best friend is? I have many friends, many good friends, and many best friends. I have friends I haven't talked to in a year, but whenever we see each other, it's like no time has passed. I have childhood best friends that I still keep up with... and I have my new best friends in Waterloo. Every friendship is different and it really shouldn't be defined, it should just be. We should just be.

Spring Depression, Summer Love.

As the weather gets warmer, and the sun is out for longer, love seems to blossom. Skirt hems are getting shorter, boots are replaced by flip flops and sandals, and long sleeves are traded for tank or halter tops. Yes spring is in the air.

I know too well the effects of spring. It seems like as the snow melts, the beautiful men come out to play. Sooner than you can say "Party!!!" all of your single friends has started to engage in their summer fling. As much as I love to see my friends happy, your old relationship will never be the same. I hope that this summer I will, too, find a fling or a steady love interest to share the sun with. As I mature, I am forced to confront many of my past issues, and I am proud to say that I have conquered most or all of my issues pertaining to guys. As many of you know, I've been burned badly in the relationship department, but those wounds have healed. This summer is all about reinventing me. This will be a summer of firsts. The first time I won't be going home, the first time I won't be playing ball in Barrie, and the first time I don't have a boy waiting for me. I've come to the realization that it's going to be different. I've become a little bit depressed lately, only because I feel so alone here now. I just can't help but feel a little bit rejected. Every time I went home for longer than a weekend, I would always end up in tears because my brothers would say something hurtful and I would feel like I don't belong. I've outgrown Barrie. I have no real friends there anymore; we've all fallen apart as soon as school starts. All that is left there is my old high school crushes who want to get in my pants now, but couldn't give me the time of day 3 years ago.

This is the reason why I tried to find a job in Waterloo opposed to Barrie for the summer. I just don't belong there, and there is no point in pushing it. Aside from family life, school work has basically made me an outcast. For the past month I have not been able to go out and have a good time because in the back of my mind, I keep thinking about all the work I have to do. The nights when I get really drunk, I have turned angry, which has never happened before. I don't like it. So when I do go out, I don't get drunk and that makes the night even worse. I think my friends have picked up on this and have just stopped inviting me out, at least for the past 2 weeks this has been the case. I'm lonely, I've never felt this way before, and I am lonely.

I need to get out of this old house, I need to get out into the sunshine, and I need to get to the gym more and I need to finish this year off. Once this year is over, a huge weight will be lifted.

Now if only I could figure out a way to get my family to call me back...