Summer Check List
- Vist Ontario Place and watch the fireworks
- Spend a beautiful summer day at Canada's Wonderland.
- Go camping
- Spend a weekend at my cottage.
- Go to a drive-in
- Visit the ROM
- Spend a day at the Toronto Zoo
- Go to a Jays game
- Stand on the glass floor of the CN tower
- Visit the St. Lawrence Market
- Go for a picnic
- Watch the sunrise
- Visit somewhere unexpected
- Go skydiving
- Learn something new
- Sit on a patio and get hammered
- Go to Marine Land
- Find a Job!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Everybody seems to be happy. Content with their lives. Most importantly, they seem to be content with somebody else sharing their lives. I feel behind the pack. At one point I was happy, I was so sure of myself and of him. I knew that it was only a matter of time before he grew up and realized that he never wanted to let me go.
Little did I know, my friends would surpass me in the romantic department. Like a silent race to see who could get who to commit first. I'm sad to say, but I've 100%, hands down, lost that race. Once I was in first place. The envy in my friends faces was enjoyable to me. Their comments about him made me smile.
Now I'm faced with phone calls from ecstatic friends who want to share- no rub in my face- that he asked her to move in with him; he bought a house and is renovating it for them; they are spending a week in a secluded condo on the South Carolina beach for the week; that he lives in the states, but he still calls her every night, if only for a minute, just to say good night; they went ring shopping.
Yes I can sense that the time is near when I'll be getting countless wedding invitations in the mail, all saying Kelly +1. Next comes the baby showers, the house warming parties and the engagement parties. Yes, its getting to that time in life that every single girl despises.
How is it that all these girls- girls I'm not much different from- How is it that they found emotionally mature guys to sit them down and say, I want to build a life with you, one step at a time. How do you find somebody like that. I want stability, I want normalcy. My life hasn't been normal in years. I want repitition. I want a schedule.
Brittany went to a bonfire last night with the guy she has been dating for a couple months. All of his friends, and their girlfriends were there. They all knew her name and her story. All of them. Isn't this how it is suppose to be?
You like somebody- you spend time with that person- you like them more- you commit to them. Then aren't you suppose to tell your friends that you've met this amazing girl and that you really like her? Aren't you then suppose to go to your parents and tell them about this wonderful girl that has stolen your heart? Show her off as much as you can? Put her picture on your facebook profile so that you see her every day? Your msn profile? You should be proud of the person you are with, and you should want people to know- This is MY girl. It's so difficult giving your heart to somebody and they hide you.
It shouldn't come as a surprise to your closest friends, the ones you spend 80% of your free time with, that you've been seeing a girl for 5 months. It shouldn't come as a surprise to your parents that they find out that you are in love, 8 months after you first called her your girlfriend.
My friends got it right. I got it so so wrong. And look where it's put us. They are picking out floor tile at Home Depot, or laying on a beach holding hands... I'm sitting here alone, hoping you'll change your mind and say "screw the game." My hope is fruitless. I know you won't. You were too happy when I said stay home. How can I expect you to come here and enjoy yourself when I know your mind will be someplace else? Someplace not with me. What you don't understand is that, the one night a week I get with you, I replay every night before I go to sleep. Just so I forget that I'm alone. I've gotten so good at it that I can feel your arms around me sometimes.
The last thing I want for the rest of the week is to think about a disappointing night. So I sit here and wait. Wait for the next moment of your time that you give to me. Wait like a little puppy dog waits for her master to come home. Hopeful, staring at the door and patient.
Little did I know, my friends would surpass me in the romantic department. Like a silent race to see who could get who to commit first. I'm sad to say, but I've 100%, hands down, lost that race. Once I was in first place. The envy in my friends faces was enjoyable to me. Their comments about him made me smile.
Now I'm faced with phone calls from ecstatic friends who want to share- no rub in my face- that he asked her to move in with him; he bought a house and is renovating it for them; they are spending a week in a secluded condo on the South Carolina beach for the week; that he lives in the states, but he still calls her every night, if only for a minute, just to say good night; they went ring shopping.
Yes I can sense that the time is near when I'll be getting countless wedding invitations in the mail, all saying Kelly +1. Next comes the baby showers, the house warming parties and the engagement parties. Yes, its getting to that time in life that every single girl despises.
How is it that all these girls- girls I'm not much different from- How is it that they found emotionally mature guys to sit them down and say, I want to build a life with you, one step at a time. How do you find somebody like that. I want stability, I want normalcy. My life hasn't been normal in years. I want repitition. I want a schedule.
Brittany went to a bonfire last night with the guy she has been dating for a couple months. All of his friends, and their girlfriends were there. They all knew her name and her story. All of them. Isn't this how it is suppose to be?
You like somebody- you spend time with that person- you like them more- you commit to them. Then aren't you suppose to tell your friends that you've met this amazing girl and that you really like her? Aren't you then suppose to go to your parents and tell them about this wonderful girl that has stolen your heart? Show her off as much as you can? Put her picture on your facebook profile so that you see her every day? Your msn profile? You should be proud of the person you are with, and you should want people to know- This is MY girl. It's so difficult giving your heart to somebody and they hide you.
It shouldn't come as a surprise to your closest friends, the ones you spend 80% of your free time with, that you've been seeing a girl for 5 months. It shouldn't come as a surprise to your parents that they find out that you are in love, 8 months after you first called her your girlfriend.
My friends got it right. I got it so so wrong. And look where it's put us. They are picking out floor tile at Home Depot, or laying on a beach holding hands... I'm sitting here alone, hoping you'll change your mind and say "screw the game." My hope is fruitless. I know you won't. You were too happy when I said stay home. How can I expect you to come here and enjoy yourself when I know your mind will be someplace else? Someplace not with me. What you don't understand is that, the one night a week I get with you, I replay every night before I go to sleep. Just so I forget that I'm alone. I've gotten so good at it that I can feel your arms around me sometimes.
The last thing I want for the rest of the week is to think about a disappointing night. So I sit here and wait. Wait for the next moment of your time that you give to me. Wait like a little puppy dog waits for her master to come home. Hopeful, staring at the door and patient.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I forgot all about you. Your face used to pop into my mind on a daily basis. Now I can't remember the last time I said your name. You no longer consumed my thoughts and frustrations. I used to day dream about your daily life like I was a fly on the wall... always wondering what you were doing, who you were with and if you were happy.
That familiar, yet foreign number popped up on my call id and I stopped for a minute. I know this number... how do I know this number? I let it go to voicemail. It took me five hours before I worked up the courage to check my messages.
"Hi Kel....
It's Nick.. but I guess you know that already.
umm... I just wanted to say whats up.. see how you are doing..
umm... I uhhh... I just wanted to hear your voice.
Hope you are doin well... call me if you want.. same number..."
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!
You killed me.. you single handily set me up for failure with every future relationship. And now you feel like you can just pop back into my life?
How was I so blind? She was right under my nose the entire time. The stolen glances, the innocent touches.. I should have seen. I promised myself I would never be that stupid again. But I was stupid again. Old habits die hard?
You have this negative hold on me. Your voice makes my face screw up like I just smelt a dead body, my heart beats faster and I have problems breathing. You're like a ghost that sneaks up on you and scares you. I'm fighting back the tears because I remember that day so clearly. The feeling of doom, like a dark cloud is consuming you and you can't get out. A heavy weight on your chest that is crushing your bones.
It's crazy how 4 words can screw up your life.
Melissa's
Pregnant.
It's
Mine.
Those 4 simple words changed who I was. I realized how dumb I was. My trust was shattered. My faith in males to remain faithful was demolished. That tightness in my chest, that panic, hasn't faded with time. The feeling remains strong when I think about that awful day.
Your selfishness destroyed what I value the most. My happiness. And it hasn't stopped. It is still, to this day, destroying my happiness. I can't trust. It is impossible. I've been trying not to let my past affect my future, but how can somebody really bounce back from that shock and betrayal from such a young age. It's like a beaten dog... they never really recover.
I just want you to go away. Leave me alone. Erase yourself from my memory. I need you to leave me alone.. forget my name.
That familiar, yet foreign number popped up on my call id and I stopped for a minute. I know this number... how do I know this number? I let it go to voicemail. It took me five hours before I worked up the courage to check my messages.
"Hi Kel....
It's Nick.. but I guess you know that already.
umm... I just wanted to say whats up.. see how you are doing..
umm... I uhhh... I just wanted to hear your voice.
Hope you are doin well... call me if you want.. same number..."
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!
You killed me.. you single handily set me up for failure with every future relationship. And now you feel like you can just pop back into my life?
How was I so blind? She was right under my nose the entire time. The stolen glances, the innocent touches.. I should have seen. I promised myself I would never be that stupid again. But I was stupid again. Old habits die hard?
You have this negative hold on me. Your voice makes my face screw up like I just smelt a dead body, my heart beats faster and I have problems breathing. You're like a ghost that sneaks up on you and scares you. I'm fighting back the tears because I remember that day so clearly. The feeling of doom, like a dark cloud is consuming you and you can't get out. A heavy weight on your chest that is crushing your bones.
It's crazy how 4 words can screw up your life.
Melissa's
Pregnant.
It's
Mine.
Those 4 simple words changed who I was. I realized how dumb I was. My trust was shattered. My faith in males to remain faithful was demolished. That tightness in my chest, that panic, hasn't faded with time. The feeling remains strong when I think about that awful day.
Your selfishness destroyed what I value the most. My happiness. And it hasn't stopped. It is still, to this day, destroying my happiness. I can't trust. It is impossible. I've been trying not to let my past affect my future, but how can somebody really bounce back from that shock and betrayal from such a young age. It's like a beaten dog... they never really recover.
I just want you to go away. Leave me alone. Erase yourself from my memory. I need you to leave me alone.. forget my name.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
There comes a time when I start longing for some things.
I feel like a deprived child crying out for my favourite toy. My favourite toy you ask? Sand and big rocks, water and a sunset.
This is manditory for me at least twice a year. Thats really the only way I can keep my sanity. I'm hoping I can escape for a weekend or two up to the cottage or at least visit Wasaga for a night.
The most romantic thing I could ever think of is sitting back to front on the rocky beach on the other side of the harbour at my cottage, listening to the waves crash on the beach and watching the beautiful sunsets that Port Elgin always promises. It's always been a dream, but never a reality. Maybe someday soon!
I feel like a deprived child crying out for my favourite toy. My favourite toy you ask? Sand and big rocks, water and a sunset.
This is manditory for me at least twice a year. Thats really the only way I can keep my sanity. I'm hoping I can escape for a weekend or two up to the cottage or at least visit Wasaga for a night.
The most romantic thing I could ever think of is sitting back to front on the rocky beach on the other side of the harbour at my cottage, listening to the waves crash on the beach and watching the beautiful sunsets that Port Elgin always promises. It's always been a dream, but never a reality. Maybe someday soon!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I don't trust myself.
I don't trust myself enough to tell you how I really feel. I know you read these so I'm offering you an opportunity to delve into my mind.
I'm hurt. I'm hurt because I don't think you wanted a girlfriend for a very long time. I think you did everything you could to appear single but still have your girlfriend time on the weekends. I'm hurt because I think that you tried to have 2 separate lives. I'm hurt because your friends knew about your outside activities but never told you what you were doing was wrong. I'm hurt because you were thinking about other women when you were with me. I saw the "hey sexy" messages on facebook chat when I was laying in your bed. I saw you change your attitude when I came into the room.
I had never been faithful in a relationship. Never until I met you. I hated the way it felt talking to my boyfriend and knowing that I was with somebody else. The guilt always tore me up inside. I made a promise to myself that no matter what, I would never make myself feel that way again. I was offered sex, but I always turned them down. Sometimes gracefully, sometimes angrily. I stayed away from places that might get me in trouble- going to the Turret alone, football parties. I made my friends be my bodyguards. They all agreed to not let any man near me that might cause me problems. And more times than I could count, my friends pulled me in a different direction when they saw certain guys coming towards me. I always tried to keep on contact with you by text whenever I went out to the bar without you to prove that I was thinking about you. I wanted you to have no doubt whatsoever that I was 100% yours.
I don't understand why you couldn't just have me. Why was there always somebody else? Did you not think that I would ever find out? I'm really not that dumb. What was it that made me not enough?
I honestly believe that we would have never had any problems if, when we both agreed to be faithful to each other, we both actually held up that promise. If I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that you were faithful to me, I wouldn't be so suspicious and so demanding. I wouldn't question half of the things I do. If any questions did come up, we would have been able to work it out together instead of the screaming matches we have now.
I don't know how to fix me. I feel like shattered glass. I'm so scattered and broken, I don't know where to start to put me back together again. I can't even think about being in a relationship with you because you broke our trust. There is no way I'll be able to live an hour away, and only see you one or two days a week and be confident that when you are away, you are being good to me.
I want to believe. OH GOD I WANT TO BELIEVE!!!!! I want to believe more than anything that things are different. That you will come to me and say, "Kelly, I love you. I know I made mistakes but I'm willing to take the time to help you and to fix things. I want you to yell at me and to talk about whatever you want to because I understand that is the only way you can begin to heal." I want you to make a commitment to me and honour that commitment. I want you to Love me the way you have been for the past couple months.
I understand that it's me that is making the mistakes now. But I'm making mistakes because I'm trying to pick up the pieces again. Whenever I hear your name beside another girls name my chest gets tight and I panic. I ask you about it which angers you. My heart skips a beat. My fists clench and I fight back the tears.
How do I forget? How can I move on? I'm hurting myself more because I'm pushing you away but I can't stop the panic I feel. I've put myself on the line and I'm in too far.
I need you. I need you beside me in every sense of the word. I want you- every aspect of you.
I am so damn proud of you because I know that what you are going through is not easy. It can't be easy to change your entire life. If you are really, truly committed to making the changes you told me you were, you are going to be a fantastic man.
I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore. I will not be happy, but I understand that you are not happy anymore. But I've attempted to forgive you for many things and I can only hope that you see that and try to return the favor. But please... please if you are not happy, don't lead me on anymore. I've cried enough and I want the crying to stop. It needs to stop. I need to be happy again.
Here is my innermost thoughts. Take it or leave it....
I don't trust myself enough to tell you how I really feel. I know you read these so I'm offering you an opportunity to delve into my mind.
I'm hurt. I'm hurt because I don't think you wanted a girlfriend for a very long time. I think you did everything you could to appear single but still have your girlfriend time on the weekends. I'm hurt because I think that you tried to have 2 separate lives. I'm hurt because your friends knew about your outside activities but never told you what you were doing was wrong. I'm hurt because you were thinking about other women when you were with me. I saw the "hey sexy" messages on facebook chat when I was laying in your bed. I saw you change your attitude when I came into the room.
I had never been faithful in a relationship. Never until I met you. I hated the way it felt talking to my boyfriend and knowing that I was with somebody else. The guilt always tore me up inside. I made a promise to myself that no matter what, I would never make myself feel that way again. I was offered sex, but I always turned them down. Sometimes gracefully, sometimes angrily. I stayed away from places that might get me in trouble- going to the Turret alone, football parties. I made my friends be my bodyguards. They all agreed to not let any man near me that might cause me problems. And more times than I could count, my friends pulled me in a different direction when they saw certain guys coming towards me. I always tried to keep on contact with you by text whenever I went out to the bar without you to prove that I was thinking about you. I wanted you to have no doubt whatsoever that I was 100% yours.
I don't understand why you couldn't just have me. Why was there always somebody else? Did you not think that I would ever find out? I'm really not that dumb. What was it that made me not enough?
I honestly believe that we would have never had any problems if, when we both agreed to be faithful to each other, we both actually held up that promise. If I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that you were faithful to me, I wouldn't be so suspicious and so demanding. I wouldn't question half of the things I do. If any questions did come up, we would have been able to work it out together instead of the screaming matches we have now.
I don't know how to fix me. I feel like shattered glass. I'm so scattered and broken, I don't know where to start to put me back together again. I can't even think about being in a relationship with you because you broke our trust. There is no way I'll be able to live an hour away, and only see you one or two days a week and be confident that when you are away, you are being good to me.
I want to believe. OH GOD I WANT TO BELIEVE!!!!! I want to believe more than anything that things are different. That you will come to me and say, "Kelly, I love you. I know I made mistakes but I'm willing to take the time to help you and to fix things. I want you to yell at me and to talk about whatever you want to because I understand that is the only way you can begin to heal." I want you to make a commitment to me and honour that commitment. I want you to Love me the way you have been for the past couple months.
I understand that it's me that is making the mistakes now. But I'm making mistakes because I'm trying to pick up the pieces again. Whenever I hear your name beside another girls name my chest gets tight and I panic. I ask you about it which angers you. My heart skips a beat. My fists clench and I fight back the tears.
How do I forget? How can I move on? I'm hurting myself more because I'm pushing you away but I can't stop the panic I feel. I've put myself on the line and I'm in too far.
I need you. I need you beside me in every sense of the word. I want you- every aspect of you.
I am so damn proud of you because I know that what you are going through is not easy. It can't be easy to change your entire life. If you are really, truly committed to making the changes you told me you were, you are going to be a fantastic man.
I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore. I will not be happy, but I understand that you are not happy anymore. But I've attempted to forgive you for many things and I can only hope that you see that and try to return the favor. But please... please if you are not happy, don't lead me on anymore. I've cried enough and I want the crying to stop. It needs to stop. I need to be happy again.
Here is my innermost thoughts. Take it or leave it....
Changes:
It's that minute every morning when everything is okay.
It's that realization that you're not with me.
It's that one tear every morning because I don't know anymore.
I wish it was easy.
I don't know how you feel anymore. I'm left in limbo. So unsure of myself and unsure of you.
It's that silent phone beside me. Once constantly blinking red, now lays dormant.
I was so happy, and so blind. I cared, but not enough to ruin my perfect relationship.
I knew... I knew all along but I put it aside. I was so dumb. I should have walked away that day when I saw her in your window. I should have saved myself the months of heartache.
I'm glad I didn't. The memories I have from that day to today have made me happier than I've ever been. I'm sad I didn't.
The most frustrating thing is being so committed to you. I changed who I was because I wanted it to work. I feel like every time I turned my back the relationship ended until the next time I saw you. I was the only one who respected the vulnerability of our bond. I guess of my bond to you.
You were a mass of contradictions. I never thought that somebody could be so cold... but so warm at the same time. You looked me in the eyes, told me you love me and watched me go home, then walk to your computer and tell another woman how bad you want them. It's heartbreaking.
How can one person be so in love, and the other only be half?
I never thought this would be how my first real relationship would work out. I had every girls fantasy that you find your prince charming, you both fall in love at the same time. You have this magical first kiss with fireworks and you promise each other the world. I didn't anticipate the daily tears, the insecurity, and the lack of trust.
I want:
To be secure with myself and my boyfriend.
People to stop interfering with my relationship.
To trust my boyfriend and in turn, have him trust me.
To KNOW that I'm the only one he wants.
To have somebody to come home to, but not spend every moment with.
Somebody who loves me and understands me.
Somebody who has the same goals and values I do.
To be spoiled.
It's that minute every morning when everything is okay.
It's that realization that you're not with me.
It's that one tear every morning because I don't know anymore.
I wish it was easy.
I don't know how you feel anymore. I'm left in limbo. So unsure of myself and unsure of you.
It's that silent phone beside me. Once constantly blinking red, now lays dormant.
I was so happy, and so blind. I cared, but not enough to ruin my perfect relationship.
I knew... I knew all along but I put it aside. I was so dumb. I should have walked away that day when I saw her in your window. I should have saved myself the months of heartache.
I'm glad I didn't. The memories I have from that day to today have made me happier than I've ever been. I'm sad I didn't.
The most frustrating thing is being so committed to you. I changed who I was because I wanted it to work. I feel like every time I turned my back the relationship ended until the next time I saw you. I was the only one who respected the vulnerability of our bond. I guess of my bond to you.
You were a mass of contradictions. I never thought that somebody could be so cold... but so warm at the same time. You looked me in the eyes, told me you love me and watched me go home, then walk to your computer and tell another woman how bad you want them. It's heartbreaking.
How can one person be so in love, and the other only be half?
I never thought this would be how my first real relationship would work out. I had every girls fantasy that you find your prince charming, you both fall in love at the same time. You have this magical first kiss with fireworks and you promise each other the world. I didn't anticipate the daily tears, the insecurity, and the lack of trust.
I want:
To be secure with myself and my boyfriend.
People to stop interfering with my relationship.
To trust my boyfriend and in turn, have him trust me.
To KNOW that I'm the only one he wants.
To have somebody to come home to, but not spend every moment with.
Somebody who loves me and understands me.
Somebody who has the same goals and values I do.
To be spoiled.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Summer Check List
- Vist Ontario Place and watch the fireworks
- Spend a beautiful summer day at Canada's Wonderland.
- Go camping
- Spend a weekend at my cottage.
- Go to a drive-in
- Visit the ROM
- Spend a day at the Toronto Zoo
- Go to a Jays game
- Stand on the glass floor of the CN tower
- See Luminato
- Visit the St. Lawrence Market
- Go for a picnic
- Watch the sunrise
- Visit somewhere unexpected
- Go skydiving
- Learn something new
- Sit on a patio and get hammered
- Vist Ontario Place and watch the fireworks
- Spend a beautiful summer day at Canada's Wonderland.
- Go camping
- Spend a weekend at my cottage.
- Go to a drive-in
- Visit the ROM
- Spend a day at the Toronto Zoo
- Go to a Jays game
- Stand on the glass floor of the CN tower
- See Luminato
- Visit the St. Lawrence Market
- Go for a picnic
- Watch the sunrise
- Visit somewhere unexpected
- Go skydiving
- Learn something new
- Sit on a patio and get hammered
I woke up this morning uneasy. Unsure of why the pit of my stomach was twisted up into a knot. I had to try hard to get out of bed, get dressed and take Lexie outside.
I walked out the doors into a haze of warm rain and it suddenly dawned on me. Where did we go wrong?
I've tried just about everything I can to make it work, but none of it is working. I thought I had found the perfect recipe this week- Think happy thoughts, flirt a lot, don't spend a lot of time talking, encourage him, and make plans. Guess what, I was happy this week. I smiled every time my phone rang around 7pm because I knew exactly who it was. I loved picking up the phone and hearing "hey sexy lady" or something along that line. It made me feel wanted! I loved hearing the happiness in his voice because I knew he was enjoying it as well. I love the early morning "have a good day at work" messages. It just put a positive light on every day.
It's not like I want to change who I am, I just want to tweak it to be with somebody else. Everybody is independent and self absorbed because for the majority of their life, they have been concerned with only themself. It is a test to be with somebody else because you learn a lot about your self. The science isn't always perfect and it constantly requires tweaking.
I guess I'm just not relationship material yet. I do not want to be without him. But I can't continue to hurt him and myself like this.
I have a huge problem forgiving. But I don't feel like I should have to just yet considering I am still finding the truth out.
Every time he lies to me, the wound is ripped open again. It's so hard to try and get over something when you are reminded of it all the time. I don't understand the lies because he understands how it hurts me, but he still insists on lying. I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel like I'm in this alone. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Something needs to change.
I walked out the doors into a haze of warm rain and it suddenly dawned on me. Where did we go wrong?
I've tried just about everything I can to make it work, but none of it is working. I thought I had found the perfect recipe this week- Think happy thoughts, flirt a lot, don't spend a lot of time talking, encourage him, and make plans. Guess what, I was happy this week. I smiled every time my phone rang around 7pm because I knew exactly who it was. I loved picking up the phone and hearing "hey sexy lady" or something along that line. It made me feel wanted! I loved hearing the happiness in his voice because I knew he was enjoying it as well. I love the early morning "have a good day at work" messages. It just put a positive light on every day.
It's not like I want to change who I am, I just want to tweak it to be with somebody else. Everybody is independent and self absorbed because for the majority of their life, they have been concerned with only themself. It is a test to be with somebody else because you learn a lot about your self. The science isn't always perfect and it constantly requires tweaking.
I guess I'm just not relationship material yet. I do not want to be without him. But I can't continue to hurt him and myself like this.
I have a huge problem forgiving. But I don't feel like I should have to just yet considering I am still finding the truth out.
Every time he lies to me, the wound is ripped open again. It's so hard to try and get over something when you are reminded of it all the time. I don't understand the lies because he understands how it hurts me, but he still insists on lying. I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel like I'm in this alone. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Something needs to change.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
I miss you.
I miss the way you smell.
I miss our talks.
I miss laughing about everything and nothing at the same time.
I miss the way you made me feel special.
I miss being excited on Mondays because it was only 4 days before I got to see you again.
I miss waking up and having a day planned with you.
I miss your parents.
I miss knowing that I had a movie buddie no matter what.
I miss getting off the 401 and knowing that there was 12 minutes left before I drove up to your building.
I miss getting so annoyed with the traffic because they weren't moving fast enough.
I miss knowing that I had plans on holidays no matter what. May 2-4 is coming up and I'm so anxious.
I miss being a part of something bigger than just myself.
I'm more alone than ever. I'm emotionally fucked. I feel like I'm on a rollercoster every day. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad. Sometimes I just don't care. I want to care....
I don't miss questioning everything.
Wondering if something better was going to steal your attention away.
Competing with your friends, video games or weed.
I'm waiting.. I'm ready. Come get me.
I miss the way you smell.
I miss our talks.
I miss laughing about everything and nothing at the same time.
I miss the way you made me feel special.
I miss being excited on Mondays because it was only 4 days before I got to see you again.
I miss waking up and having a day planned with you.
I miss your parents.
I miss knowing that I had a movie buddie no matter what.
I miss getting off the 401 and knowing that there was 12 minutes left before I drove up to your building.
I miss getting so annoyed with the traffic because they weren't moving fast enough.
I miss knowing that I had plans on holidays no matter what. May 2-4 is coming up and I'm so anxious.
I miss being a part of something bigger than just myself.
I'm more alone than ever. I'm emotionally fucked. I feel like I'm on a rollercoster every day. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad. Sometimes I just don't care. I want to care....
I don't miss questioning everything.
Wondering if something better was going to steal your attention away.
Competing with your friends, video games or weed.
I'm waiting.. I'm ready. Come get me.
I've spent the large majority of tonight reading my old blog posts and reliving my past experiences. I realized that if I didn't know me, I would think that my life is pretty horrible based solely on those posts. I write when I'm upset, angry or confused. I don't write when I'm happy.
If you look down through the posts you will notice a huge break in time when I did not post at all. I was happy. I was so happy I had nothing to complain about.
___________________________________________
I am in the midst of a major life overhaul. I am terrified. I'm sitting here shaking just thinking about it. I start my new job tomorrow. This isn't just any job. This job I have been working towards for 5 years. This is a career. Well, a shot at a career anyways. What might my day hold for me tomorrow? Will I make it through?
I bought my first car. My name on the lease, my name on the insurance. It's all mine. I always thought I would feel something different when I buy my first car... but I don't. I'm not really excited about it. I'm just blah. I guess I'm excited that I don't have to walk everywhere!
I broke up with the love of my life. I'm devistated. I cry everynight.
It's for the best.... I guess if I keep saying that then it will become true. I just can't deal anymore. It's tearing me up inside and I'm so conflicted but I hate the fighting and I hate the distance. I'm so ready to have somebody to come home to. To have somebody there every time I need them.
It's weird when you find somebody that you are so perfect with. But you know that if you were 2 or 3 years older, things would be so much better. I have no doubt that everything would be close to perfect if I only met you 2 years from now. Timing is everything.
Fingers crossed that it all works out!
If you look down through the posts you will notice a huge break in time when I did not post at all. I was happy. I was so happy I had nothing to complain about.
___________________________________________
I am in the midst of a major life overhaul. I am terrified. I'm sitting here shaking just thinking about it. I start my new job tomorrow. This isn't just any job. This job I have been working towards for 5 years. This is a career. Well, a shot at a career anyways. What might my day hold for me tomorrow? Will I make it through?
I bought my first car. My name on the lease, my name on the insurance. It's all mine. I always thought I would feel something different when I buy my first car... but I don't. I'm not really excited about it. I'm just blah. I guess I'm excited that I don't have to walk everywhere!
I broke up with the love of my life. I'm devistated. I cry everynight.
It's for the best.... I guess if I keep saying that then it will become true. I just can't deal anymore. It's tearing me up inside and I'm so conflicted but I hate the fighting and I hate the distance. I'm so ready to have somebody to come home to. To have somebody there every time I need them.
It's weird when you find somebody that you are so perfect with. But you know that if you were 2 or 3 years older, things would be so much better. I have no doubt that everything would be close to perfect if I only met you 2 years from now. Timing is everything.
Fingers crossed that it all works out!
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