I forgot all about you. Your face used to pop into my mind on a daily basis. Now I can't remember the last time I said your name. You no longer consumed my thoughts and frustrations. I used to day dream about your daily life like I was a fly on the wall... always wondering what you were doing, who you were with and if you were happy.

That familiar, yet foreign number popped up on my call id and I stopped for a minute. I know this number... how do I know this number? I let it go to voicemail. It took me five hours before I worked up the courage to check my messages.

"Hi Kel....
It's Nick.. but I guess you know that already.
umm... I just wanted to say whats up.. see how you are doing..
umm... I uhhh... I just wanted to hear your voice.
Hope you are doin well... call me if you want.. same number..."

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!

You killed me.. you single handily set me up for failure with every future relationship. And now you feel like you can just pop back into my life?

How was I so blind? She was right under my nose the entire time. The stolen glances, the innocent touches.. I should have seen. I promised myself I would never be that stupid again. But I was stupid again. Old habits die hard?

You have this negative hold on me. Your voice makes my face screw up like I just smelt a dead body, my heart beats faster and I have problems breathing. You're like a ghost that sneaks up on you and scares you. I'm fighting back the tears because I remember that day so clearly. The feeling of doom, like a dark cloud is consuming you and you can't get out. A heavy weight on your chest that is crushing your bones.

It's crazy how 4 words can screw up your life.

Melissa's
Pregnant.
It's
Mine.

Those 4 simple words changed who I was. I realized how dumb I was. My trust was shattered. My faith in males to remain faithful was demolished. That tightness in my chest, that panic, hasn't faded with time. The feeling remains strong when I think about that awful day.

Your selfishness destroyed what I value the most. My happiness. And it hasn't stopped. It is still, to this day, destroying my happiness. I can't trust. It is impossible. I've been trying not to let my past affect my future, but how can somebody really bounce back from that shock and betrayal from such a young age. It's like a beaten dog... they never really recover.

I just want you to go away. Leave me alone. Erase yourself from my memory. I need you to leave me alone.. forget my name.