I don't trust myself.

I don't trust myself enough to tell you how I really feel. I know you read these so I'm offering you an opportunity to delve into my mind.

I'm hurt. I'm hurt because I don't think you wanted a girlfriend for a very long time. I think you did everything you could to appear single but still have your girlfriend time on the weekends. I'm hurt because I think that you tried to have 2 separate lives. I'm hurt because your friends knew about your outside activities but never told you what you were doing was wrong. I'm hurt because you were thinking about other women when you were with me. I saw the "hey sexy" messages on facebook chat when I was laying in your bed. I saw you change your attitude when I came into the room.

I had never been faithful in a relationship. Never until I met you. I hated the way it felt talking to my boyfriend and knowing that I was with somebody else. The guilt always tore me up inside. I made a promise to myself that no matter what, I would never make myself feel that way again. I was offered sex, but I always turned them down. Sometimes gracefully, sometimes angrily. I stayed away from places that might get me in trouble- going to the Turret alone, football parties. I made my friends be my bodyguards. They all agreed to not let any man near me that might cause me problems. And more times than I could count, my friends pulled me in a different direction when they saw certain guys coming towards me. I always tried to keep on contact with you by text whenever I went out to the bar without you to prove that I was thinking about you. I wanted you to have no doubt whatsoever that I was 100% yours.

I don't understand why you couldn't just have me. Why was there always somebody else? Did you not think that I would ever find out? I'm really not that dumb. What was it that made me not enough?

I honestly believe that we would have never had any problems if, when we both agreed to be faithful to each other, we both actually held up that promise. If I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that you were faithful to me, I wouldn't be so suspicious and so demanding. I wouldn't question half of the things I do. If any questions did come up, we would have been able to work it out together instead of the screaming matches we have now.

I don't know how to fix me. I feel like shattered glass. I'm so scattered and broken, I don't know where to start to put me back together again. I can't even think about being in a relationship with you because you broke our trust. There is no way I'll be able to live an hour away, and only see you one or two days a week and be confident that when you are away, you are being good to me.

I want to believe. OH GOD I WANT TO BELIEVE!!!!! I want to believe more than anything that things are different. That you will come to me and say, "Kelly, I love you. I know I made mistakes but I'm willing to take the time to help you and to fix things. I want you to yell at me and to talk about whatever you want to because I understand that is the only way you can begin to heal." I want you to make a commitment to me and honour that commitment. I want you to Love me the way you have been for the past couple months.

I understand that it's me that is making the mistakes now. But I'm making mistakes because I'm trying to pick up the pieces again. Whenever I hear your name beside another girls name my chest gets tight and I panic. I ask you about it which angers you. My heart skips a beat. My fists clench and I fight back the tears.

How do I forget? How can I move on? I'm hurting myself more because I'm pushing you away but I can't stop the panic I feel. I've put myself on the line and I'm in too far.

I need you. I need you beside me in every sense of the word. I want you- every aspect of you.
I am so damn proud of you because I know that what you are going through is not easy. It can't be easy to change your entire life. If you are really, truly committed to making the changes you told me you were, you are going to be a fantastic man.

I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore. I will not be happy, but I understand that you are not happy anymore. But I've attempted to forgive you for many things and I can only hope that you see that and try to return the favor. But please... please if you are not happy, don't lead me on anymore. I've cried enough and I want the crying to stop. It needs to stop. I need to be happy again.

Here is my innermost thoughts. Take it or leave it....