I woke up this morning uneasy. Unsure of why the pit of my stomach was twisted up into a knot. I had to try hard to get out of bed, get dressed and take Lexie outside.
I walked out the doors into a haze of warm rain and it suddenly dawned on me. Where did we go wrong?

I've tried just about everything I can to make it work, but none of it is working. I thought I had found the perfect recipe this week- Think happy thoughts, flirt a lot, don't spend a lot of time talking, encourage him, and make plans. Guess what, I was happy this week. I smiled every time my phone rang around 7pm because I knew exactly who it was. I loved picking up the phone and hearing "hey sexy lady" or something along that line. It made me feel wanted! I loved hearing the happiness in his voice because I knew he was enjoying it as well. I love the early morning "have a good day at work" messages. It just put a positive light on every day.

It's not like I want to change who I am, I just want to tweak it to be with somebody else. Everybody is independent and self absorbed because for the majority of their life, they have been concerned with only themself. It is a test to be with somebody else because you learn a lot about your self. The science isn't always perfect and it constantly requires tweaking.

I guess I'm just not relationship material yet. I do not want to be without him. But I can't continue to hurt him and myself like this.

I have a huge problem forgiving. But I don't feel like I should have to just yet considering I am still finding the truth out.

Every time he lies to me, the wound is ripped open again. It's so hard to try and get over something when you are reminded of it all the time. I don't understand the lies because he understands how it hurts me, but he still insists on lying. I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like I'm in this alone. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Something needs to change.