Will this work? I don't know.

The distance hurts. I'm stuck here, he's stubborn and won't move. It's all on my shoulders to make the move but how do I know when I give up my life here, change jobs, find an apartment there, move to a city where I have no friends anymore... how do I know that it will be better? If thus far is any indication as to how the rest of our relationship will be, I'd be the biggest idiot in the world to move there.

He's busy every night. Any chance he has to integrate his friends with me, he doesn't. So how do I know that I'm not going to be saved for the midnight bootie calls and one night a week dates. It would be practically the same. So whats the point in giving up my life for a bad relationship?

This is not how a relationship should be. I should not put up with being called a Bitch, and being told to Fuck Off when I get angry with his fuck ups. Obviously he hates me, why else would somebody be so mean. So whats the point? He hates me, I'm angry with him. We're both just being toxic to each other. Maybe this is just the end.

I just don't have the fight in me anymore. I should be respected, not disrespected. I should be loved, not hated. I should feel happy, not sad all the time. I should feel wanted.

I just..... don't know anymore.

I'm so angry. I can just feel it boiling up inside of me. Sometimes I let it get the best of me and let it all out. Unfortunately that is the only way I've been able to find to make myself feel better. I just don't know if he's for real. I always get sucked back into this little game he's playing because he promises it will be better, different, perfect. And that lasts about a week. I feel like the only time he's anywhere close to the man he claims he is, is when I find out something bad about him and he's on damage control.

Don't promise me you'll see me more when you cancel our date or don't make a date to begin with. Don't tell me you won't lie to me when you still do. Don't tell me you'll be open and honest with me when I have to pry information out of you. And don't tell me you're a good man when you know you aren't.

Just be honest about yourself. YOU'VE indicated you want to change, but what are you doing about it? Trusting other people to make you a better person? And for those three hours a week they have control over you... well what about the rest of the week when you have control of you? What do you do to make you a better man?

I'm not perfect, I'm far from it. But when I make a goal, I stick to it. It doesn't matter if I'll be in debt until I'm 30 trying to pay off these student loans. I still went to school. I made a goal to make my own lunch every day this week and I did it. Even if I had to get out of bed early to do so. You make sacrifices in your life to make yourself better. I don't see you making any sacrifices at all. I'm frustrated with you because I don't understand how your brain works and you refuse to tell me how you think. You hide things in and just expect us to get closer when you're the one creating the boundaries.

Don't ask me to be friends with your friends if you don't let us hang out together. Don't tell me to apologize to your parents if you won't let me e-mail them and you tell me to go hide when they come to your house. You are asking me to do possible things, then making them impossible to complete.

You are throwing up roadblocks and expecting me to jump around them. But I'm not the one who fucked up. I'm not the one who came back to you and said, give me another shot. I'm the one who said, I don't think you are up to it. You're the one who said, let me prove it to you. What are you proving to me? I gave you one more shot. What are you going to do with this chance?

I want to do something amazing. Watching the Olympics has ignited something inside me and I want to make a difference. I'm going to walk in the Weekend to End Woman's Cancers. I came across an article today that outlines some events that are going on around this event and one of them included a key note speech from my doctor, Dr. Bernardini. He will be talking about the recent breakthroughs in Gynecology and how the money raised by previous year's Walks have led to the breakthroughs and updated equipment at the Princess Margaret.

I never thought about it that way. All this time I've been supporting Brittany's team because I felt like it was the right thing to do. All this time, I've just been supporting something that would eventually support me. How amazing is that?

I'm going to get together a team to Walk this year. I'm walking for myself, and for all my friends because it is inevitable that at one point in our lives, at least half of my friends will have to deal with what I have been. And maybe one day, when I have a daughter, because of my efforts now, she will never have to go through what I have.

This is a 60 km walk over two days throughout the city of Toronto. I've watched the walkers, taken pictures of the walkers and now I want to be one of the walkers.

What do you do when the one you were ment to be with doesn't want you anymore? Do you just give up and take it? Try and convince them of what they are missing? Fight back?

I thought I knew the rules of love but I'm so confused. I just want to drive there and cuddle up with him because he is the only person who can make me feel better. But he's the only person making me feel worse. This is so fucked up. I just want him to call and say, psych! I didn't mean any of it. You're the girl for me. But I know that will never come. There is way too much dammage and he's not willing to fix it. He's left me alone to try and pick up the pieces that he broke. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this.

Its so unfair.

You brushed your fingers up and down my back and shivers ran all over my body. You laughed at me because my skin would turn into goosebumps.

You grunt at me when you want me to roll over so that your arms could fit perfectly around me. If I have my hair up, then I can feel your breath on my neck. That in itself would put me to sleep.

You always put your hand in the dip in my back when I walk through a door. It makes me feel safe.

The laughing in the shower. The kiss in public. Hugging me from behind. Telling me you'll always be here for me when I need you. Knowing all of my deepest and darkest secrets. Walking hand in hand through the farmers market. Making dinner for each other. Knowing that I have somebody who cares about me and what I do. My own personal cheerleader. Cuddling on the couch. The butterflies in my stomach when I get off the highway on my way to see you. The many movie dates (in bed and in public). The vacation that never will be. The nights in the hotels. Hangover days on the couch. It's just life... made better.

Oh god I feel so alone.

Sometimes I think that if we could live our entire lives in bed together then we'd never fight. When it was just us, it was perfect. If only I could erase the rest of the world for a little while. Then I could smile every day.

Many things keep running through my head. Is it me? Am I just unlovable? Somewhere along the line did I give the impression that it's okay to cheat on me? Every guy seems to think that acceptable behaviour. Maybe I can blame it on the media. But it's not okay to hurt the person you love. Whats the point? Relationships take time, effort and money.... why throw away your time, efforts and money on somebody you are just going to hurt?

What is the point? I don't understand. But maybe it's just me.

I hear all these stories about good guys who treat their girls right. Why can't every guy be honourable like that? Since when did it become okay to break somebody's heart for your own benefit?

So here's my question... should I just sit down and shut up and take it? Should I start cheating a lying? People keep doing it so it must be fun. You never do something when the negatives out weight the positives. And I know what the negatives are. So that must be some REALLY hot sex. Maybe I should try it to see what all the fuss is about.

Sometimes I am so strong. I can go days without crying. But as soon as I heard your voice this morning it was like a dam broke inside me. I realized how much I actually miss you. But I'd never tell you that to your face. I know you read this, so here is my heart...


I thought I had been in love before, but you showed me what real love is. I'd never felt that way before. I was proud of you when I thought you were doing well. I'd brag about you. I honestly thought I found one of the good ones. I couldn't go a day without talking to you. I used to cry like a baby when we left each other because I missed you already. I hated it when you left me. I thought I would be with you forever. I thought we were one of the lucky ones who found their lobster at such a young age and had the opportunity to go through some amazing life experiences together instead of trying to explain them to somebody later in life.

I was so sure of it. And maybe that's why I feel lost right now. I don't know me without you. Your life was my life and my life was your life.

I just so want you to be the man you made me think you were. I don't really think that is too much to ask. That's who you presented to me. You had no reason to lie to me about what your personality was. But I guess the reality is, is that you were just playing more of your head games with me. And then you accidentally fell in love with me. And that's when it got complicated.

Well, I'm alone now. And I guess I have to get used to this feeling. Maybe I can rely on my friends a little bit more or spend some more time reading to try and fill the void. All I know is that my life is never going to be the same. And I'm not entirely sure I like that.

I miss you. And as hard as I try, I can't stop missing you.

Well...


I have no regrets.

I promise to myself to only allow positive people in my life. If you're negative, that's your prerogative, but you can take your negativity and dump it on somebody else. If you want to lie, cheat and steal, go for it. But don't bring that around me. I'm not interested.

I'm excited about the future. I want to date, see the city and meet new people. I want to know where I live. I want somebody to chase after me. I want to be surprised and I want to find love again.

What an amazing feeling love is. I just can't wait to feel that way again.

I wonder if it's like the movies when you meet somebody and you just know that you are meant to be with that person.

Either way, I'm 24, single, and living in one of the largest cities in Canada. There has to be somebody out there that has good morals, values and knows how to treat a woman right.

Maybe next time I'll insist on talking to his ex's to find out the real reason they broke up in the first place. That might help figuring out who this guy is before I waste my time.

Miss the way I used to write. I would throw all my emotions into my writing and after every blog post I was always left in tears. Utterly drained of all emotions. It is so difficult for me to unlock these emotions now and I desperately see how important that output was for me. Now they are bundled up inside me, screaming to get out. I just can't find the key to unlock them.

I'm not myself. I'm confused. I love a man, and he claims to love me. Yet he shows me no respect. He is two different people. The happy man when he is with me. A man who makes me feel like I've never felt before. And he is a man who is torn up inside. I don't know what happened to him to make him throw up those walls. Its been almost 3 years and he's never let me in. Always lied so I wouldn't know who he really is. Did some woman break his heart? Was it all the moving and trying to make new friends? Maybe he doesn't even know who he is. I just wish he would give me a chance to get to know the real him.

Everybody should know themselves. And everybody should have one other person in this world who knows them. Good and bad.