Its so unfair.

You brushed your fingers up and down my back and shivers ran all over my body. You laughed at me because my skin would turn into goosebumps.

You grunt at me when you want me to roll over so that your arms could fit perfectly around me. If I have my hair up, then I can feel your breath on my neck. That in itself would put me to sleep.

You always put your hand in the dip in my back when I walk through a door. It makes me feel safe.

The laughing in the shower. The kiss in public. Hugging me from behind. Telling me you'll always be here for me when I need you. Knowing all of my deepest and darkest secrets. Walking hand in hand through the farmers market. Making dinner for each other. Knowing that I have somebody who cares about me and what I do. My own personal cheerleader. Cuddling on the couch. The butterflies in my stomach when I get off the highway on my way to see you. The many movie dates (in bed and in public). The vacation that never will be. The nights in the hotels. Hangover days on the couch. It's just life... made better.

Oh god I feel so alone.

Sometimes I think that if we could live our entire lives in bed together then we'd never fight. When it was just us, it was perfect. If only I could erase the rest of the world for a little while. Then I could smile every day.

Many things keep running through my head. Is it me? Am I just unlovable? Somewhere along the line did I give the impression that it's okay to cheat on me? Every guy seems to think that acceptable behaviour. Maybe I can blame it on the media. But it's not okay to hurt the person you love. Whats the point? Relationships take time, effort and money.... why throw away your time, efforts and money on somebody you are just going to hurt?

What is the point? I don't understand. But maybe it's just me.

I hear all these stories about good guys who treat their girls right. Why can't every guy be honourable like that? Since when did it become okay to break somebody's heart for your own benefit?

So here's my question... should I just sit down and shut up and take it? Should I start cheating a lying? People keep doing it so it must be fun. You never do something when the negatives out weight the positives. And I know what the negatives are. So that must be some REALLY hot sex. Maybe I should try it to see what all the fuss is about.

Sometimes I am so strong. I can go days without crying. But as soon as I heard your voice this morning it was like a dam broke inside me. I realized how much I actually miss you. But I'd never tell you that to your face. I know you read this, so here is my heart...


I thought I had been in love before, but you showed me what real love is. I'd never felt that way before. I was proud of you when I thought you were doing well. I'd brag about you. I honestly thought I found one of the good ones. I couldn't go a day without talking to you. I used to cry like a baby when we left each other because I missed you already. I hated it when you left me. I thought I would be with you forever. I thought we were one of the lucky ones who found their lobster at such a young age and had the opportunity to go through some amazing life experiences together instead of trying to explain them to somebody later in life.

I was so sure of it. And maybe that's why I feel lost right now. I don't know me without you. Your life was my life and my life was your life.

I just so want you to be the man you made me think you were. I don't really think that is too much to ask. That's who you presented to me. You had no reason to lie to me about what your personality was. But I guess the reality is, is that you were just playing more of your head games with me. And then you accidentally fell in love with me. And that's when it got complicated.

Well, I'm alone now. And I guess I have to get used to this feeling. Maybe I can rely on my friends a little bit more or spend some more time reading to try and fill the void. All I know is that my life is never going to be the same. And I'm not entirely sure I like that.

I miss you. And as hard as I try, I can't stop missing you.