Am I always going to wonder 'what if?'

I miss her. I'm sad that she'll never see the person she helped me be.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my wedding day. Not that I want to be married right now, but talking with my friends who are planning their wedding I've realized how much I already know about my wedding day. I know what I like, what I want to see and who I want there. I know that I'm going to cry all day - that's just a given. But I think I'm going to sad just as much as I am happy. I just see these memories, but they aren't memories. Like I've already lived through it but it hasn't happened yet. I just see my cousin Rebecca hugging me and crying and me breaking down saying that I wish Nannie was here. And I can see Rebecca crying with me and telling me how proud Nan is of me and telling me everything I would want to hear from her.

I know I'm going to cry during the father-daughter dance because I know my Dad is going to cry and tell me how much he loves me and is proud of me. And I know that is probably the last time I'll ever hear that. And I'll cry because I know he doesn't mean it. And I'll cry because that breaks my heart.

I'll cry because somebody else's family is going to welcome me with open arms and I just can't wait to hear my future parents-in-law's speech. I want them to talk about the first time they met me, and how happy they am that their son chose me and I want them to talk about our happy future together. And while they are talking I want my husband to squeeze my hand and smile at me and laugh at me as I cry. And I want him to hug me and tell me he loves me.

I know I want flowers everywhere. And candles too. I want an open bar. I want to be by water. I want beautiful pictures in the sunset. And I want somebody who loves me for me and who wants a future with me.

And I want my Nannie to be with me that day. I want her to show me that she is watching and I want to know that she loves me. But what if she was with me on that day? What would she say to me? What would she say to me now? Would she be proud of me? Would she take me shopping? Would she be that person I told everything to again?

I think what I miss most was the locked vault. I told her everything and never worried about her judging me. And I miss that escape. I wish I could just get everything out of my head and trust one person to keep my secrets.

I love ya Nan. Always have and always will.