What am I doing? I feel out of control. I'm second guessing my decisions. I feel numb.

I usually know what the right decision is because my emotions tell me so. I usually have such an overwhelming feeling of right or wrong it's obvious. But I don't know this time. I think I've been damaged to the point where my emotional nerves have been paralyzed. I'm lost without my emotional compass.

Talking about Shea last night gave me the chills. It's been a secret I've held inside of me, thought about on a daily basis, kept inside of me... then suddenly it was coming out of my mouth. My little secret. I feel kind of guilty in a way because I've held it in for so long.

But then you talked about her, like she was a part of your life too. In your day dreams, your imagination. I'm not alone. There's something comforting in that.

I'm always going to wonder, "what if..."