I just let you go.

The tears are still coming down my face but the weight crushing my chest is gone. I just let you go.

I can't help any more. I'm emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.

But I want nothing more than to be curled up next to you.

The brain is a cruel thing. It's telling me "Kelly, stop. You deserve to be treated like a princess. You deserve somebody who wants you." And it's telling me, "You can't be comfortable without him. Man, wouldn't it be nice to be laying in his bed beside him? It's only an hour away....."

These thoughts are taunting me. Will you show up on Thursday? Will you ever show up? Will I ever see you again? Can I live a good and happy life if I'm not with you? Can I live and good and happy life with you? Will you ever be the man I know you are? Will you ever be the man I dream of?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions and it's driving me insane. I tired to talk to you tonight to see where your head was. But that didn't go well. So again, I'm left with no answers, BUT.. I let you go.

We've broken up and made up too many times to count.

If I stop talking to you now, three months from now, will you still want me? A year from now? Will you still be trying to work towards being the man you can be? Or will somebody else come along who says, no it's okay, you are perfect the way you are? And you forget all about me. Have you been putting on an act this whole time and the man you really are is somebody who enjoys the company of multiple ladies and who loves to flirt non-stop? Have I been holding you back from being happy?

I don't even know if you want a life with me. I don't know if you have it in your head that you will try and get me back when you are better. I don't know what you want. I think that is the most frusterating part. If I knew you were not running forward to make yourself better so you can treat me right, then it would be easier to give up all hope and move on.

But I still have hope. This is the most fucked up part. I still have hope.

I guess I'm left with these lyrics from one of my favourite song...

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

Love you forever and ever.. Eye... heart... U