I remember that first night. I called you out. You were constantly giving me a hard time about not hanging out, but you canceled our first date because you were "not feeling well" which turns out to mean that you were too lazy.

I was getting ready for bed. I sat down at my computer after a long conversation with a good friend about why I was not happy in my previous relationship with Dave and we discussed exactly what I was looking for. I decided to take a chance. You were ragging on me for not hanging out so I told you that you had 10 min to get over or else your shot was over. To my surprise, you came.

It was so awkward at first. I had never really had a conversation with you in person. The only thing I remember of you at first was you trying to impress me at work by telling me how high/drunk you were. Little did you know, that turned me off even more. I figured I would have you over, then you would realize how different our lives were and you would leave it be.

I turned on a movie and went to bed. You watched the movie and I fell asleep. I was woken up by you spooning me and touching me. I figured I would humor you. I figured you were with many girls, and you were just another guy looking for some pussy. Well, I was right about that one.

I felt your breath on my neck and before I could tell you to stop, it was too late. I rolled over and you rolled on top of me. My heart was beating like crazy. I miss that feeling. You were trying to go slow with me and you were being very sweet. Just laying on top of me kissing me. Not going any further until I wanted to.

I had never felt so small, fragile and innocent than I did with you. I felt like you cared. I don't know if that was your act or if you actually did, but I had never sensed that connection with somebody before that night.

We had sex.. I started to shake and you were so sweet. You told me to flip over so you could rub my back. You layed half on top of me so that I could feel your heart beating. You whispered in my ear that it was okay. You had me at that. I knew I needed to be with you.

You arms were so big and so strong. Like no matter what, I couldn't move, even if I wanted to. I just wish I could go back to that time ever since. To have you seduce me, to hold me like you never want to let me go. To make me feel like I'm the only thing you are thinking about.

But maybe that's the joy of the first time. It's something that can never be recreated. And maybe that is what I have been searching for. But if that is a first time thing, then I'll never find that with him again.

I want a crystal ball which shows me what my future will look for. Am I wasting my time trying to make it work? Should I be going out and meeting new people? Should I be having more first times before I settle down? Just give me a sign. Then maybe I won't feel so alone.