I cried on my way home from work today.

I must have looked silly sitting in stop and go traffic with tears streaming down my face. I felt like the weight of the world was sitting on my chest and I needed to do something to get it out. Crying was the only thing I could think of.

My intentions are always good. I know I'm not as smart or as quick as some other people. And often I become envious when I hear an articulate person speak. I can only wish to be smart enough to put those words together in a sentence and have it actually make sense. That just means I have to work harder. But in times like this, where only the best survive, I have to wonder... am I the best? Or will I be another statistic I read about every morning? In one month, will I be packing up my life, again, and moving to my parents? I guess the next three weeks will give me the answer.

I'm done. I'm done worrying about it. I spent a total of four hours reading job postings and changing my resume and cover letter to reflect what each job is looking for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not done looking, nor am I done thinking positively, I'm just done worrying about it. Whatever is right for Kelly will come along, even if it means spending a couple weeks or months working in my parent's warehouse for rent money.

Whatever will be, will be. C'est la vie.

I also cried because my birthday is coming up. I'm usually happy but this year I'm just curious. My family has intentionally planned another celebration on my birthday and I keep having flashes of that day. I keep seeing everybody in the backyard, and nobody has said happy birthday. I'm left to wonder, am I selfish for wanting some attention on my birthday? Should I just stand aside and go along with the family's plans? Do I even have a right to be upset if that entire day passes and nobody has acknowledged it?

How will my Dad make this day about him? How will he divert the attention from the celebrations, or from me? He managed to ruin my Christmas, it's only natural that he attempt to ruin every joyous celebration for me.

I've spent hours combing through websites trying to find the best deals, the hottest new artists etc. I came to the realization today, why the hell am I spending so much of my time trying to outfit a home that will never be my own? It doesn`t make any sense to me. I spend hours upon hours searching and e-mailing for that perfect table, or the perfect rug, or the perfect art. But that stuff will never be mine. He isn`t ready for that step, and to be honest, I`m not either. I like coming home to a quiet house. I like my clothes smelling like fresh laundry and my candles. I like knowing where everything is and having things that make me happy around me.

I can tell you how the next couple months are going to play out. He`s going to see how great I am and realize how so very close he came to losing me. One of three things will happen, I will get a job in KW, a job in Toronto or be forced to move home to Barrie. If I move to Barrie, that will be the final nail in the coffin. He won`t come visit me, and I will run out of money very quickly. It would only be a matter of time before that falls apart, again.

If I find a job in Toronto, I either chose to live in the GTA and commute in, or I live close to my office, probably downtown. That too will be a nail in the coffin. Downtown is a bitch to get into on a weekday and he`s already complaining about the drivers on the way to my house now, which I think is extremely accessible.

I find a job in KW. This could be great, or this could be horrible. We`ve been apart for almost a year now. We don`t even talk every night. I can only imagine what would happen if we were constantly available to each other. It could be great, but when the time comes when the newness has moved out, his best friend would have been living with his girlfriend for a couple months and I can only predict that that relationship is going to end badly. He will get scared. He will see what some girls are like when they are pushed too far and he will push away from me, like he does every time he gets scared.

So what do I see in the future.. a 25% chance that it will work out alright. That's a pretty dismal number.

I don`t know where his head is at. Sometimes I feel like he`s just riding along until somebody better comes along who might be easier, or new. Sometimes I feel like he only wants to be with me and nobody else. And sometimes I feel like he`s unsure of what is going on.

So I`m stuck trying to figure out if it is worth it to pursue these jobs in KW. Should I risk moving back and having it all fall apart... or should I risk staying in the city and having a 100% chance it will fall apart. I just don`t know.