** Side Note: This is a very inappropriate time to release this but I figured if I didn't do it now, I never would**

There's nothing like waking up and before you open my eyes, I can smell it. That warm musky sent he leaves behind on my pillows. Knowing that he is next to me before I greet the world for the day is the ultimate way to begin any day. Knowing that he was here yesterday and his smell is still with me brings an instant smile.

It's the small things- the touch on my back as I walk through a door. The sound he makes when he sees Lexie again. The subtle feeling of him smelling my hair when we hug. The quick brush of his hand across my face to move my hair.

I feel my arms wrapping around his body and suddenly I'm home. His arms around my shoulders. Our bodies fitting perfectly together. He squeezes me tightly and I turn my head to smell his neck. My head resting on his large shoulders. How can I not trust him when I'm settled in my special place. His hands move up and down my back because he knows I like it. His lips touch my head and place a small kiss on me. All these small things learned over time. I run my hands up and down his spine and wait for him to pull away. For these few seconds, I feel like I'm the only one there.

It's the big things- The hug after a long day of waiting. The smiles. The planning of our future. Our history together. Knowing that no matter what, he'll always be there for me in one way or another. The memories. His family. Knowing that for once, I'm able to be me- the good and the bad.

I woke up early and didn't want to wake you so I layed there not moving. I propped myself up my my arm and looked at you. You were facing me, just inches away. The sunlight was coming through your window and it was illuminating the back of your head so it looked like you had a halo. Your face was relaxed and you had a slight smile on your face. You groaned slightly and the smile got bigger. You hugged your pillow tighter. I couldn't help but smile and wonder what you were dreaming about. Suddenly your eyes cracked open and caught me staring. You had a huge smile on your face and your arm reached out for me and motioned for me to turn over. I rolled over and snuggled closed to you. I felt your entire body wrap around me- safe in my spot. You moaned in my ear and said "good morning." I knew that was it. That very instant.

Things I do know- He lays on his side when he sleeps. He looks like a child sleeping, curled around his 'Kelly' pillow. He's a different person with me than he is with anybody else. He has a soft spot for dogs. His eyes change colour in the sun, or when he is really happy. He is a very proud person, and sometimes it gets him into trouble. He values his friends and his father more than anybody in the world. I've never seen somebody so devoted to his father and vice versa. His favourite clothes in the winter are his black track pants from high school, a t-shirt, his Texas sweater or his black zip up. In summer, it's black basketball shorts with a t-shirt. He loves stripes on his shirts. He can be the sweetest person I've ever met if he wants to be. He is stubborn. If you are luckily enough to catch his attention for long enough, you can have some of the most insightful and honest conversations. He's charming, and he knows it. He is brilliant. He makes me feel like nobody ever has.

He makes me smile, he makes me cry, he makes me feel like I can do anything. He doesn't understand how fragile I am and he doesn't understand that every action has a reaction. He doesn't understand that I depend on him because I've entangled him into my life so much that he is as much a part of me, as I am. I need his approval, I need his opinion. I need him with me.

This past 8 months or so have been so testing to me. I've never been in a long distance relationship and I never realized the lengths that some people go to, just to see their other half. I've spent more time than normal or necessary debating life and what I want out of it. I've also spent just as much time thinking about all of the bad things he's done. That is why I created a pro/con list. In the hopes that writing them down will get it out of my head and I could concentrate on something else. I've spent hours attempting to do something but keeping my ears perked to my front door with my fingers and toes crossed that he would show up to surprise me because he just had to see me. Foolishness- I know.

I used to fight with him just to see if he still cares. Lately our fights have just come on their own and I can see him pulling back. I'm not sure if he's unwilling to fight back, or just does not care anymore. It scares me because I don't know what I would do if we were to fall apart. He's my confidante, my support system, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend. He's the person I think about first thing in the morning and the last person I think about before I go to bed. And who am I kidding, he's the person I think about every spare minute of my day. He's the person I want to wake up beside every day. And the person I want to fall asleep beside. He's the person I want to call and I want to hear his voice. He's the person I want beside me when I take the biggest steps of my life. But I don't think he wants that anymore. So I'm in a waiting game to see who will snap first, him or me.

So what do I want? I want my Tom back. I want the Tom calls me to say hi. I want the Tom that asks me how my day was, and is really interested in what I did. I want the Tom that is vulnerable around me because it is only in those moments when I am absolutely sure that he loves me and he is telling me the truth. I want the Tom that holds my hand in public and shows me off to the world. I want to be naive again. I want to believe everything he says. I want to pretend like I'm the only one he's kissed since October 25th, 2007 and the only one he's promised these things to.

I want to be happy with him, and I want him to be happy with me.