I've been conflicted lately. I'm trying to remain truthful to myself while figuring out what I really want. I feel an overwhelming urge to write it all out and hopefully make some send of the pieces I throw out there.

I feel that I need to write about something I've come to find as extremely important in anybody's life. Something that I recently did not think about until it was thrown in my face: Respect.

There is a serious lack of respect evident in today's society. Lack of respect for others, and especially lack of respect for oneself.

Cheating- The ultimate showing of no respect. In January 2008 I chose to respect somebody, before they chose to respect me. I chose to negate all of my former conquests or "special friends" or whatever you want to call them. I chose to limit contact with some people I talked to on a daily basis. I chose to ignore late night texts and knocks on my door. I chose to respect somebody.

I got to the point where I was older, I was facing major life changes and I wanted somebody alongside me to hold my hand, and rub my back and pick me up when I fell down. I wanted somebody in my corner, cheering for me the entire way. I wanted somebody to share my life with- every aspect of it. I thought I had found that person and I was willing to let everything go to show this person that I was there for them in the same way I wanted them to be there for me.

I think, once you chose to open yourself up to Love, then you should respect the boundaries put in place. If you chose to commit to somebody, body mind and spirit, then that commitment should be honoured until the MUTUAL decision is made to break the bond. This is really the only way to be happy in a relationship. Mutual respect. It is not a game of "lets see how many other people I can talk to and fuck before she notices." That's not a fun game. That's an extremely hurtful and degrading game.

Cheating shows a lack of security, a lack of respect and immaturity. It screams "I'm going to do what I want regardless of what I've promised to you." It's the ultimate act of selfishness. To all those cheaters: every kiss on his or her skin, is a kiss good-bye to your happiness with the person YOU chose to be in a relationship with. Every touch, hug or caress is a wave good-bye to your partner that you committed yourself to. And those 5 minutes of pleasure you received will be reversed and multiply by 100 when your significant other finds out about your infidelity.

So, is it worth it? I don't think so. The guilt itself is enough to drive a sane person crazy. Let alone admitting any wrong doing to the person you love the most and watching the pain shoot across their face and seeing their instincts take over as they crawl into a ball to protect their heart. To see the tears streak down their face at the realization that you touched her the same way you touched me. And that obviously our relationship didn't mean as much to you as it did to me.

The 5 minutes of pleasure, the 48 hours of her in your house and in your bed. The multiple messages on MSN and facebook and text. The year of deception. Was it worth it? Not to me. But that's up to you to decide. Unfortunately you didn't think about me when you made that decision. You didn't think about how every thrust is like a stab in my heart, every word rips my world a part. You only thought about yourself- your pleasure, your moment with her, the sense of being wanted with every woman who responded "yes" when you asked to fuck. Not your pleasure or moments with me, not me saying yes, you have me 100%, body mind and spirit.

Unfortunately it takes an experience like this to create a shield over my heart. And believe me, it's a strong shield. An unnecessary shield. If you were just honest, straightforward, and a good person, then the pain I've been suffering for the past year and 3 months would have never occurred. And maybe I could be happy again.

Respect. Most important for happiness.