I need to get the negative out. One self-help website suggested writing everything out. Since I tend to do that anyways, I figured I'd take their suggestions and write all the negative things out, then the neutral followed by the positive. Because you should always end on a positive. So here I go.

Negative

-Weed. It's not that he smokes it, it's that he picks it over me sometimes. He sometimes chooses to get high when I'm with him knowing that the smell makes me sick. He chooses to invite his friends over when I'm there knowing that when they come over, all they do is sit around, smoke weed and play video games. He only has one or two days a week with me, and when he chooses to spend the one evening he gets with me by inviting friends over and smoking weed, he's choosing to ignore me. If I lived closer, it wouldn't be as big of a deal I don't think. Because we would have more opportunities to see each other. But it is so angering to drive in rush hour traffic to go see him, and 10 minutes after I arrive, his buddies show up, or sometimes they are there already. And I know where this night is headed. I would think that he would want to spend the evening with me knowing that I took the time to drive down to see him, knowing that we had plans to see each other. It's not like I ever show up out of the blue. It's always planned. It makes me feel like he's only seeing me to appease me and that he really doesn't want to see me. It makes me feel like weed, video games and his friends are so much more important than I am and that I really am only around to keep him entertained when those three aren't appealing anymore.

- Girls. I don't get it. I love him so much. I was always in contact with him. I always told him how much I loved him. Why would he need to go elsewhere to get that affirmation? Why would he need to create two plenty of fish accounts, spend hours on facebook and msn, when all he had to do was look at me, looking at him to know he was loved and wanted. The one instance that stands out in my mind the most is in the winter when I was visiting, I slept in and he had my laptop in the living room. I came out and I guess when I was sleeping, he was on my laptop, on his facebook, talking to Megan and Ashley about getting together to fuck. I was in his bed, he was looking after my dog and was using my computer... and he didn't feel guilty. It was that day that he first told me I was psycho. But I wasn't. I had every reason to be suspicious and angry. I also had every reason to walk out that door and never look back. It's instances like that, that make me nervous every time I see him on the computer. Because I know he can be so sneaky and it doesn't phase him. He could be in the deepest sex talk of his life and turn to me and say, I love you baby. I think what hurt the most, is that these woman weren't good looking. A lot of them were very overweight and some even had children. They were desprate and I think he took advantage of that. They were looking for somebody to love them, and he was looking for them to want him. They were using him, and he was using them... and I end up heartbroken.

-Distance. The first half of our relationship wasn't much of a relationship at all. It didn't progress normally. I felt like I was always the one pushing it and he couldn't really care less if I stopped talking to him. I felt like I was the only one carrying it and he just went along for the ride. Then I think he started to develop feelings for me. I moved away almost a year into our relationship, but it was more like the first couple months. How can a relationship survive that? I was always suspicious and I had every right to be. He had been unfaithful emotionally, physicially and mentally. I don't want to be the other woman. I want to be THE woman you think about. THE woman you want to talk to. Not a plethora of faceless woman on the internet. The distance made it very difficult because the daily pleasures of being in a relationship were removed. The visits during lunch breaks, or movie nights, or late night sneaks into eachothers bedrooms. Boys/Girls night out ending with being with eachother. Dinners and long talks on the phone. It was all removed. Everything that keeps a relationship strong was suddenly gone. Was it slefish of me to move? Yes. Did I make the right decision? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I don't want to spend every hour of every day with another person.. but I do want to see him more than once a week. My dream- Wake up in the morning beside you. Get ready for work. Kiss you good-bye. Spend the entire day at work. Come home, walk my dog. Have dinner ready on the table for you. You come over, we spend an hour together eating and talking about our days. Maybe one night you bring over a movie to watch, maybe another night you go a friends house to watch the game or go out to the bar and I spend the night curled up in a huge comfy chair and a soft blanket and read a really good book with a glass of wine. I really don't want to spend all this time with you. But I do want some time. The problem with distance is, you don't have the option of returning to your own home every night. To make the trip worth while, you have to spend the night, and the next day. And then you're forced into spending hours upon hours with somebody and that always leads to a fight.

- The lack of communication. I would much rather spend one hour on the phone with him than spend 8 hours texting back and forth. I feel so much more connected to him when I am speaking with him because I know when there are distractions. Texting is an afterthought motion. It gets pushed aside when other things are going on and often questions or conversations end up not being answered for hours. I could say everything I wanted to say to him in 20 minutes, rather than 8 hours.

- Lying. I hate it and it needs to stop. I realize I'm not perfect, but I am no where near as bad as he is. Lying about where you are, what you're doing and who you are with dosn't get you any further ahead. I usually find out and yeah, when you say that I would react in the same way, you're probably right. But why complicate it even more with a lie? And, if I'm going to get upset, should you really be doing what you're doing in the first place?

Neutral

-His friends. They are great, and they are not so great. They are great people. They are there for him in their own ways. They keep him occupied and happy. The majority of them have been very welcoming of me. He spends a lot of time with them so that must account for something. On the flip side, they have no boundaries. I can't count the times I've been laying naked in his bed when one of his friends walks into his house and knocks on his bedroom door. And I can't count how many times he left me in his bed to go smoke with them. It was like I wasn't just dating him, I was dating Tom, Jay, Alex, Steve and Dan all at once. Finding some alone time was like pulling teeth. It was always painful. As well, they would never stop him if he wanted to cheat on me. They would probably high-five him afterwards as well.

- His parents. They don't know what he's done so they think I'm some crazy bitch who flips out at nothing. But I guarantee his Mom could understand me if she knew. His Dad would shake his head and call him an idiot, but I think he would get it too. But he would never tell them. I always felt like they were judging me. I always had to watch what I said, how I dressed, what I did. I don't know why I felt that way. He could show up in an old t-shirt and sweat pants and I'd be wearing jeans and a t-shirt and I'd get the look- Like I looked like a bum or something.

Positive

- There are these rare moments when he forgets everything and acts like a complete goofball with me. It's an honest moment where we just go for it and laugh and laugh and laugh together. Its when we're not trying to impress each other or anybody else. It's dancing in the shower, or at a wedding. It's swinging our hands when we walk. It's rubbing our noses together.

- He knows my secrets. He knows my fears, my dreams, my aspirations. He knows my past. He has these huge shoulders that were amazing to cry into. Those huge hands that made me feel so small and protected. In my most trying times, I remember positive things because of the way he held me when I was upset.

-It's the Tom I knew when I got him away from his friends, when he was sober. It's the dinner at the church, the road trips to weddings, especially the one in Wallaceburg, it's the hotel downtown Toronto and our late night adventure for orange juice and candy. It's the hug I got as soon as the elevator doors closed. It's the kiss good-bye.