There comes a time when I start longing for some things.
I feel like a deprived child crying out for my favourite toy. My favourite toy you ask? Sand and big rocks, water and a sunset.

This is manditory for me at least twice a year. Thats really the only way I can keep my sanity. I'm hoping I can escape for a weekend or two up to the cottage or at least visit Wasaga for a night.

The most romantic thing I could ever think of is sitting back to front on the rocky beach on the other side of the harbour at my cottage, listening to the waves crash on the beach and watching the beautiful sunsets that Port Elgin always promises. It's always been a dream, but never a reality. Maybe someday soon!

I don't trust myself.

I don't trust myself enough to tell you how I really feel. I know you read these so I'm offering you an opportunity to delve into my mind.

I'm hurt. I'm hurt because I don't think you wanted a girlfriend for a very long time. I think you did everything you could to appear single but still have your girlfriend time on the weekends. I'm hurt because I think that you tried to have 2 separate lives. I'm hurt because your friends knew about your outside activities but never told you what you were doing was wrong. I'm hurt because you were thinking about other women when you were with me. I saw the "hey sexy" messages on facebook chat when I was laying in your bed. I saw you change your attitude when I came into the room.

I had never been faithful in a relationship. Never until I met you. I hated the way it felt talking to my boyfriend and knowing that I was with somebody else. The guilt always tore me up inside. I made a promise to myself that no matter what, I would never make myself feel that way again. I was offered sex, but I always turned them down. Sometimes gracefully, sometimes angrily. I stayed away from places that might get me in trouble- going to the Turret alone, football parties. I made my friends be my bodyguards. They all agreed to not let any man near me that might cause me problems. And more times than I could count, my friends pulled me in a different direction when they saw certain guys coming towards me. I always tried to keep on contact with you by text whenever I went out to the bar without you to prove that I was thinking about you. I wanted you to have no doubt whatsoever that I was 100% yours.

I don't understand why you couldn't just have me. Why was there always somebody else? Did you not think that I would ever find out? I'm really not that dumb. What was it that made me not enough?

I honestly believe that we would have never had any problems if, when we both agreed to be faithful to each other, we both actually held up that promise. If I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that you were faithful to me, I wouldn't be so suspicious and so demanding. I wouldn't question half of the things I do. If any questions did come up, we would have been able to work it out together instead of the screaming matches we have now.

I don't know how to fix me. I feel like shattered glass. I'm so scattered and broken, I don't know where to start to put me back together again. I can't even think about being in a relationship with you because you broke our trust. There is no way I'll be able to live an hour away, and only see you one or two days a week and be confident that when you are away, you are being good to me.

I want to believe. OH GOD I WANT TO BELIEVE!!!!! I want to believe more than anything that things are different. That you will come to me and say, "Kelly, I love you. I know I made mistakes but I'm willing to take the time to help you and to fix things. I want you to yell at me and to talk about whatever you want to because I understand that is the only way you can begin to heal." I want you to make a commitment to me and honour that commitment. I want you to Love me the way you have been for the past couple months.

I understand that it's me that is making the mistakes now. But I'm making mistakes because I'm trying to pick up the pieces again. Whenever I hear your name beside another girls name my chest gets tight and I panic. I ask you about it which angers you. My heart skips a beat. My fists clench and I fight back the tears.

How do I forget? How can I move on? I'm hurting myself more because I'm pushing you away but I can't stop the panic I feel. I've put myself on the line and I'm in too far.

I need you. I need you beside me in every sense of the word. I want you- every aspect of you.
I am so damn proud of you because I know that what you are going through is not easy. It can't be easy to change your entire life. If you are really, truly committed to making the changes you told me you were, you are going to be a fantastic man.

I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore. I will not be happy, but I understand that you are not happy anymore. But I've attempted to forgive you for many things and I can only hope that you see that and try to return the favor. But please... please if you are not happy, don't lead me on anymore. I've cried enough and I want the crying to stop. It needs to stop. I need to be happy again.

Here is my innermost thoughts. Take it or leave it....

Changes:

It's that minute every morning when everything is okay.
It's that realization that you're not with me.
It's that one tear every morning because I don't know anymore.
I wish it was easy.

I don't know how you feel anymore. I'm left in limbo. So unsure of myself and unsure of you.
It's that silent phone beside me. Once constantly blinking red, now lays dormant.

I was so happy, and so blind. I cared, but not enough to ruin my perfect relationship.
I knew... I knew all along but I put it aside. I was so dumb. I should have walked away that day when I saw her in your window. I should have saved myself the months of heartache.
I'm glad I didn't. The memories I have from that day to today have made me happier than I've ever been. I'm sad I didn't.

The most frustrating thing is being so committed to you. I changed who I was because I wanted it to work. I feel like every time I turned my back the relationship ended until the next time I saw you. I was the only one who respected the vulnerability of our bond. I guess of my bond to you.

You were a mass of contradictions. I never thought that somebody could be so cold... but so warm at the same time. You looked me in the eyes, told me you love me and watched me go home, then walk to your computer and tell another woman how bad you want them. It's heartbreaking.

How can one person be so in love, and the other only be half?

I never thought this would be how my first real relationship would work out. I had every girls fantasy that you find your prince charming, you both fall in love at the same time. You have this magical first kiss with fireworks and you promise each other the world. I didn't anticipate the daily tears, the insecurity, and the lack of trust.

I want:
To be secure with myself and my boyfriend.
People to stop interfering with my relationship.
To trust my boyfriend and in turn, have him trust me.
To KNOW that I'm the only one he wants.
To have somebody to come home to, but not spend every moment with.
Somebody who loves me and understands me.
Somebody who has the same goals and values I do.
To be spoiled.

Summer Check List

- Vist Ontario Place and watch the fireworks
- Spend a beautiful summer day at Canada's Wonderland.
- Go camping
- Spend a weekend at my cottage.
- Go to a drive-in
- Visit the ROM
- Spend a day at the Toronto Zoo
- Go to a Jays game
- Stand on the glass floor of the CN tower
- See Luminato
- Visit the St. Lawrence Market
- Go for a picnic
- Watch the sunrise
- Visit somewhere unexpected
- Go skydiving
- Learn something new
- Sit on a patio and get hammered

I woke up this morning uneasy. Unsure of why the pit of my stomach was twisted up into a knot. I had to try hard to get out of bed, get dressed and take Lexie outside.
I walked out the doors into a haze of warm rain and it suddenly dawned on me. Where did we go wrong?

I've tried just about everything I can to make it work, but none of it is working. I thought I had found the perfect recipe this week- Think happy thoughts, flirt a lot, don't spend a lot of time talking, encourage him, and make plans. Guess what, I was happy this week. I smiled every time my phone rang around 7pm because I knew exactly who it was. I loved picking up the phone and hearing "hey sexy lady" or something along that line. It made me feel wanted! I loved hearing the happiness in his voice because I knew he was enjoying it as well. I love the early morning "have a good day at work" messages. It just put a positive light on every day.

It's not like I want to change who I am, I just want to tweak it to be with somebody else. Everybody is independent and self absorbed because for the majority of their life, they have been concerned with only themself. It is a test to be with somebody else because you learn a lot about your self. The science isn't always perfect and it constantly requires tweaking.

I guess I'm just not relationship material yet. I do not want to be without him. But I can't continue to hurt him and myself like this.

I have a huge problem forgiving. But I don't feel like I should have to just yet considering I am still finding the truth out.

Every time he lies to me, the wound is ripped open again. It's so hard to try and get over something when you are reminded of it all the time. I don't understand the lies because he understands how it hurts me, but he still insists on lying. I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like I'm in this alone. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Something needs to change.

I miss you.
I miss the way you smell.
I miss our talks.
I miss laughing about everything and nothing at the same time.
I miss the way you made me feel special.
I miss being excited on Mondays because it was only 4 days before I got to see you again.
I miss waking up and having a day planned with you.
I miss your parents.
I miss knowing that I had a movie buddie no matter what.
I miss getting off the 401 and knowing that there was 12 minutes left before I drove up to your building.
I miss getting so annoyed with the traffic because they weren't moving fast enough.
I miss knowing that I had plans on holidays no matter what. May 2-4 is coming up and I'm so anxious.
I miss being a part of something bigger than just myself.

I'm more alone than ever. I'm emotionally fucked. I feel like I'm on a rollercoster every day. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad. Sometimes I just don't care. I want to care....

I don't miss questioning everything.
Wondering if something better was going to steal your attention away.
Competing with your friends, video games or weed.

I'm waiting.. I'm ready. Come get me.

I've spent the large majority of tonight reading my old blog posts and reliving my past experiences. I realized that if I didn't know me, I would think that my life is pretty horrible based solely on those posts. I write when I'm upset, angry or confused. I don't write when I'm happy.
If you look down through the posts you will notice a huge break in time when I did not post at all. I was happy. I was so happy I had nothing to complain about.
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I am in the midst of a major life overhaul. I am terrified. I'm sitting here shaking just thinking about it. I start my new job tomorrow. This isn't just any job. This job I have been working towards for 5 years. This is a career. Well, a shot at a career anyways. What might my day hold for me tomorrow? Will I make it through?

I bought my first car. My name on the lease, my name on the insurance. It's all mine. I always thought I would feel something different when I buy my first car... but I don't. I'm not really excited about it. I'm just blah. I guess I'm excited that I don't have to walk everywhere!

I broke up with the love of my life. I'm devistated. I cry everynight.
It's for the best.... I guess if I keep saying that then it will become true. I just can't deal anymore. It's tearing me up inside and I'm so conflicted but I hate the fighting and I hate the distance. I'm so ready to have somebody to come home to. To have somebody there every time I need them.
It's weird when you find somebody that you are so perfect with. But you know that if you were 2 or 3 years older, things would be so much better. I have no doubt that everything would be close to perfect if I only met you 2 years from now. Timing is everything.

Fingers crossed that it all works out!