A Good Man is Hard to Find
Or a Hard Man is Good to Find?

The age old question. I haven't been able to figure it out yet.
I can see both sides of the argument; both have their set backs and bonus'.
A good man is so hard to find. People put on fronts and sometimes once you figure it out, it's just too late. I am my own worst enemy. I am chronically attracted to the typical "bad boy"; you know who I'm talking about. The guys who are too cocky for their own good, the ones that don't care if you care or not. The ones that let you in just a little bit to give you some hope then slam the door. They are the sex gods, the ones that could probably have sex for a living. They are always horny and will do as many girls as humanly possible.
The Good man will treat a lady right. He will be devoted to her and will want to take care of her, regardless if she wants it or not. He is trustworthy and honest. He is hard to find.
I want a guy to be devoted to me, to want to be with me. But relationships can a bunch of bullshit. You get so involved that you forget about the rest of your life. I've been there before, when all you can think about is that person and when you fight it feels like your life is over. I don't want that to happen to me again.
So the appeal of a casual friend is there, a traditional 'bad boy' who is really only good for one thing. This relationship gives both of you your freedom, but still satisfying your needs. But who wants to share a guy? We all know that he's probably with more than one woman. You don't get the love and tenderness with a casual friend than you do with a steady partner.
It just seems like trading bullshit for bullshit.

You tell me everything will be alright, I'll feel better in the morning.
Right now I have you to hold onto
But I'm holding onto something more.
Something indescribable.

Laying with your arms wrapped around me made me feel so safe.
Safe enough that even my alcohol ridden body couldn't hurt me.
To feel your hands on me, rubbing up and down my back. I want to go back to that moment.
You found a sweet spot. When your rubbed it my body shuddered. You laughed and did it again.

I moaned and your grip tightened.
Why do you always want what you can't have?
You told me that you feel it too. But what is it?
One of life's many mysteries!

"Breathe"
I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face and I've
Never been this swept away
All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear
Is the beating of your heart'

Cause I can feel you breathe
It's washing over me
Suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby all we need is just to be

Caught up in the touch
The slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe
Just breathe

In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
I'm closer than I've ever felt before
And I know
And you know
There's no need for words right now'

Cause I can feel you breathe
It's washing over me
Suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch
The slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe
Just breathe
Caught up in the touch
The slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's supposed to be

I can feel you breathe
Just breathe
I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
-Faith Hill

National Ass Hole Month
The tales of being the unintentional 'Other Woman'

I always feel the need to talk about something somebody has done to me in order to understand why. Sometimes I write to remind myself so I can relive it, and sometimes I write to let my frustrations out. I know that as soon as I finish the words on this screen, I will feel relief and I will no longer dwell on the past, but move on to the future.

Today, as in most days, my topic of discussion is boys, not men, but boys.

The first fella I would like to look at is a guy I have been talking to for the past 4 years off and on. We met at a bonfire in the back yard of a friend’s house and I guess he was instantly drawn to me. He said I had the most beautiful smile. The conversation we had that night was minimal, but very friendly. It wasn't until the next week, when I received an e-mail from him saying that he would like to get to know me better, when I actually started to take an interest.
We continued on the random e-mail path for a couple years, every now and then throwing in a phone call or two. But nothing ever went further. Recently, as in the past 2 months, we have been talking weekly on MSN and through e-mail, exchanging pictures of our friends and planning a reunion the next time I am home. Things have been going really well, sometimes getting a little X-rated, but still innocent and fun.
So we have been planning this reunion for a while now, and clearly some fun (meaning kissing and whatnot) has been discussed, but today I found out that he has been seeing a girl for the past couple weeks and even took her to a wedding this weekend. He just neglected to tell me this, and lead me to believe he was single. What an ass! I hate being the other woman.
________________________________________
This next guy is just as bad. So Halloween night we get all dressed up and looking pretty hot. The girls and I go to this bar and we're having a great time. I decide to take a breather and sit down on these huge comfy couches with some of my friends and we're talking. Suddenly this guy approaches me and asks to sit down. He starts chatting up my friends and I but mainly focusing his attention on me. My friends leave, leaving us alone to talk. We talk for an hour at least about everything. He seemed so nice and normal and genuinely into me. His buddies come over and won't leave, so he asks me if I want to go for a walk to get some fresh air. I know this is the code word for 'let’s go outside and make-out'. I say yes anyways and I try my best to play hard to get, but to no avail, it didn't work.
So I saw him at the bar last night, he happens to be a bouncer there. I go up and talk to him and he seems so distant and uninterested and I am left utterly confused; until this morning.
I was talking with my co-host and she said that she did some dirty work and found out that he has a girlfriend! That little rat! I wonder what his girlfriend would have to say about his actions on Tuesday. I fricken hate being the other woman!
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As I was sitting here writing this blog, I received a message from a friend of mine who happens to be a guy. Now this friend and I don't talk often, I tried to proposition him in the summer but he was straightforward and said he had a gf. Finally an honest man!

Anyways, I stopped writing this blog to chat with him and he restored some of my faith in the male gender. He just wrote to me to say that he's been hearing good things about my radio show and to keep up the good work and to check in to see how I'm doing. As pessimistic as I can be, something always hits me up the side of my head to throw me back into reality. So thank you to all those nice guys out there. You are a dieing breed.

Perpetually stuck in limbo

I am stuck:

Between my family of the past and my family of the future
Between the first time and the last time
Between the beginning of University and the Ending
Between feeling awkward and feeling beautiful
Between when I saw you last and when I'll see you again
Between ideas
Between being a genius and being a failure
Between kisses
Between Life

You walk into the room and everybody stops and watches you. You smile and feel like you are on top of the world. There's a side of this scene that you don't see. We're just here to humor you. Nobody really likes you.

But it's not your fault.

You see, we don't know who you are or why you act like you do. Nobody knows the real you. You act like a princess, a total drama queen to be exact. You prance around in your little skirts and flesh baring shirts and think that everybody adores you.

I'm here to break your fantasy.

Nobody can relate to you because you present such a conflicting, two faced front. If you want something from me, you are nice and sweet. But if I confront you, you stomp your feet and throw a tantrum like a three year old. You pull my friend around by the strings and make him believe that you care about him. The truth is, you only care about what he can do for you. I don't like that.

You have one true friend. This friend is only your friend because you bond in holy falsehood. You both are fake and hold onto each other because between the two of you, you make up a whole person.

You need to stop and smell the roses; high school ended 4 years ago. This year you will enter the real world like the rest of the graduating class. You will fail.

I'm not sorry and I wish you all the best. April can't come soon enough!

The Rain of Crap Never Ends

This morning I cried uncontrollably. Today, my life changed. Not because of one specific thing, but because of everything.
Today I found out that my credit card has been ‘compromised’ and there's nothing I can do about it. Meaning that somebody has been using my credit card number without my permission. I now have to go spend hours in the bank trying to figure this out, instead of spending hours in the library studying.
Today, my ex boyfriend finally rejected me. After 2 years, he has finally said no, he loves his girlfriend too much. I am so proud of him, but at the same time, I feel stupid. You cheated on me with her, why couldn't you have realized how much you loved me and told her no 2 years ago? Maybe this is what I need to finally move on.
Today, I looked at my finances and realized that I need to do something drastic, and that covering the bills for my house isn't as much fun as it's cracked up to be. I'm quickly sipping into debt.
I called my Mom because I needed to hear her voice. For some reason, it was the most comforting thing I've heard all year. I miss her so much. Whenever I go home, it's always so busy and I never get one on one time. She doesn’t know how to treat me anymore. I'm stuck somewhere between a child and an adult; not quite either.
This morning as I was getting ready, the tears just streamed down my face. I ignored them. I took a shower, got dressed, and did my hair and make-up with a continual stream of tears streaked down my face. I'm sitting here, ready to take on the day, but wanting to crawl up into a ball in my bed and cry until I can't feel my body anymore.
Today I realized that I am lonely. My friends have started to find happiness with somebody else. Somebody they can confide in and tell all their secrets too. I just have this keyboard and monitor, and my stuffed cow Moo. Somehow, it's not as comforting as I wish it would be.
I need to change, I need to be strong. I need to stop crying.