I woke up this morning uneasy. Unsure of why the pit of my stomach was twisted up into a knot. I had to try hard to get out of bed, get dressed and take Lexie outside.
I walked out the doors into a haze of warm rain and it suddenly dawned on me. Where did we go wrong?

I've tried just about everything I can to make it work, but none of it is working. I thought I had found the perfect recipe this week- Think happy thoughts, flirt a lot, don't spend a lot of time talking, encourage him, and make plans. Guess what, I was happy this week. I smiled every time my phone rang around 7pm because I knew exactly who it was. I loved picking up the phone and hearing "hey sexy lady" or something along that line. It made me feel wanted! I loved hearing the happiness in his voice because I knew he was enjoying it as well. I love the early morning "have a good day at work" messages. It just put a positive light on every day.

It's not like I want to change who I am, I just want to tweak it to be with somebody else. Everybody is independent and self absorbed because for the majority of their life, they have been concerned with only themself. It is a test to be with somebody else because you learn a lot about your self. The science isn't always perfect and it constantly requires tweaking.

I guess I'm just not relationship material yet. I do not want to be without him. But I can't continue to hurt him and myself like this.

I have a huge problem forgiving. But I don't feel like I should have to just yet considering I am still finding the truth out.

Every time he lies to me, the wound is ripped open again. It's so hard to try and get over something when you are reminded of it all the time. I don't understand the lies because he understands how it hurts me, but he still insists on lying. I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like I'm in this alone. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Something needs to change.

I miss you.
I miss the way you smell.
I miss our talks.
I miss laughing about everything and nothing at the same time.
I miss the way you made me feel special.
I miss being excited on Mondays because it was only 4 days before I got to see you again.
I miss waking up and having a day planned with you.
I miss your parents.
I miss knowing that I had a movie buddie no matter what.
I miss getting off the 401 and knowing that there was 12 minutes left before I drove up to your building.
I miss getting so annoyed with the traffic because they weren't moving fast enough.
I miss knowing that I had plans on holidays no matter what. May 2-4 is coming up and I'm so anxious.
I miss being a part of something bigger than just myself.

I'm more alone than ever. I'm emotionally fucked. I feel like I'm on a rollercoster every day. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad. Sometimes I just don't care. I want to care....

I don't miss questioning everything.
Wondering if something better was going to steal your attention away.
Competing with your friends, video games or weed.

I'm waiting.. I'm ready. Come get me.

I've spent the large majority of tonight reading my old blog posts and reliving my past experiences. I realized that if I didn't know me, I would think that my life is pretty horrible based solely on those posts. I write when I'm upset, angry or confused. I don't write when I'm happy.
If you look down through the posts you will notice a huge break in time when I did not post at all. I was happy. I was so happy I had nothing to complain about.
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I am in the midst of a major life overhaul. I am terrified. I'm sitting here shaking just thinking about it. I start my new job tomorrow. This isn't just any job. This job I have been working towards for 5 years. This is a career. Well, a shot at a career anyways. What might my day hold for me tomorrow? Will I make it through?

I bought my first car. My name on the lease, my name on the insurance. It's all mine. I always thought I would feel something different when I buy my first car... but I don't. I'm not really excited about it. I'm just blah. I guess I'm excited that I don't have to walk everywhere!

I broke up with the love of my life. I'm devistated. I cry everynight.
It's for the best.... I guess if I keep saying that then it will become true. I just can't deal anymore. It's tearing me up inside and I'm so conflicted but I hate the fighting and I hate the distance. I'm so ready to have somebody to come home to. To have somebody there every time I need them.
It's weird when you find somebody that you are so perfect with. But you know that if you were 2 or 3 years older, things would be so much better. I have no doubt that everything would be close to perfect if I only met you 2 years from now. Timing is everything.

Fingers crossed that it all works out!

Everything Reminds me of you.
I have created so many memories than I can't tell where you stop and where I start again. This constant tug of war needs to stop. So I'm saying good-bye.

Good bye to the many nights and mornings we layed in bed together talking about the day and the future.
Good bye to the many dinners out with our families and our dinner dates alone.
Good bye to waking up with a missed message from the night before.
Good bye to ending a conversation with 'I love you'.
Good bye to the Valenties days that didn't mean anything.
Good bye to Christmases we had
Good bye to Cananda Day on the roof, to brithdays at the bar and to anniversary's
Good bye to Wedding dates and drives up and down the 401.
Good bye to walks with our dogs and afternoons at the dog park.
Good bye to nights in the hot tub and in the hotel.
Good bye to the many tears that controlled my life.
Good bye to our movie dates.
Good bye to everything that was good in our relationship.

The Worst Kind of Man

The worst kind of man promises you the moon and the stars. He is senstive and caring. He brushes the hair off your face, he wipes the tears when you cry.

He has secrets that will hurt you. He reveals them little bits at a time. He makes it seem that he's got everything out and that you have no other surprises ahead of you. HE LIES. You get T-boned out of no where.

He is selfish. He cares only about his own happiness, and although he has said many times how much he cares about you, he lies. He is only concerned about what he needs to do to keep you happy and to get the attention of many different women. It's a slippery slope and I hope he falls off and kills himself.

He preaches "Treat others the way they treat you" and since you treat him like a God, you feel like you have nothing to worry about. WRONG!! He lies. You may be understanding, compassionate or trustworthy. He is deceitful, sneaky and a bad person.

He cheats on you. He spends weekends alone with other women. He calls you when she is in the next room. He texts you when she is right beside him. He visits you and then goes and picks her up. He has no regard for your feelings. He is the worst kind of man.

You can beat me, but the cuts and bruises will heal. You can tell me I'm a bad person, but I know deep down I am not. But to emotionally abuse somebody for a year, that is the worst kind of man.

I don't hope you learn your lesson. No I hope you fall in love again. I hope you fall in love with the worst kind of Woman. I hope she rips your heart out, just as you have done to me. I wish she shakes the foundation of your life. I wish she makes you question every relationship you've ever had and sets you up for failure in your next relationship. I wish she ruins your soul. I hope that after all of that, you then learn your lesson and are overcome with intense greif.

Fuck you for getting to me.
Fuck you for cheating on me.
Fuck you for making me believe I was important to you.
Fuck you for dragging it on for so long.
FUCK YOU you insensitive prick.

I am here because you chose me.
I obeyed because I had to.
I left because you pushed me.
I succeeded to spite you.
I love him because he loves me.
He loves me despite you.
Get used to it.

Life isn't suppose to make sense. I don't understand.

I've been searching and pushing for something that I don't even know I want. I've just been searching to be the best. I gave up this year. I was not happy last year. I decided that I will just let it be and see what happens.. whats the worst thing that could happen?

Well I can tell you that my entire life changed. I completed my university degree, I decided on a program for grad school and applied, I let myself be open to a relationship, and I'm happy.
But on those days when the snow is blowing and I'm sitting here alone, I really think... is this for real? I'm so proud of myself for choosing a path.. but is it the right one? What if I made a mistake? I don't know...

I don't know how to console myself when I get in these moods. Sometimes I wish I could fastforward a couple days-months-years just to see how it's going to end up. I need to know that I'll be okay.

As for him... I don't know what I'm doing. I've never heard so many people tell me that they are proud of me for allowing somebody to come into my life. I didn't realize I was that cynical. I was ruined a long time ago.. and it's taken 4 years for somebody to come and pick up the pieces. I just hope he understands how big this is for me. I'm terrified.

I'm sitting here and I can feel the tears in the back of my eyes. I'm not sure why they are there.. this is all so new and scary. I just hope and pray it works out for the best...