Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Life isn't suppose to make sense. I don't understand.

I've been searching and pushing for something that I don't even know I want. I've just been searching to be the best. I gave up this year. I was not happy last year. I decided that I will just let it be and see what happens.. whats the worst thing that could happen?

Well I can tell you that my entire life changed. I completed my university degree, I decided on a program for grad school and applied, I let myself be open to a relationship, and I'm happy.
But on those days when the snow is blowing and I'm sitting here alone, I really think... is this for real? I'm so proud of myself for choosing a path.. but is it the right one? What if I made a mistake? I don't know...

I don't know how to console myself when I get in these moods. Sometimes I wish I could fastforward a couple days-months-years just to see how it's going to end up. I need to know that I'll be okay.

As for him... I don't know what I'm doing. I've never heard so many people tell me that they are proud of me for allowing somebody to come into my life. I didn't realize I was that cynical. I was ruined a long time ago.. and it's taken 4 years for somebody to come and pick up the pieces. I just hope he understands how big this is for me. I'm terrified.

I'm sitting here and I can feel the tears in the back of my eyes. I'm not sure why they are there.. this is all so new and scary. I just hope and pray it works out for the best...

1 comment:

MsPatricia said...

Hey Kel,
I know it's been a while since we've talked or caught up. But I hope you know that I am so happy for you. Try not to worry about the path that you've chosen... Trust it for now, if it doesn't work out then you still have the rest of your life ahead of you to figure it out. Remember most adults still don't know what it is that they want to do with their life - and that's ok.
Just be happy with who you are. And know that there are people who care about you and are proud of you.
I know I am.

xo, T