I can be myself with you. I feel the spark between us when our eyes meet. Howcome I keep putting you off?

Yesterday we went down to the beach again. It seems to be our place when I'm home. We always park in the same parking lot, walk along the same path, and wander off the path onto the sand at the exact same spot. Every time seems new, but surprisingly the same. Our arms are linked together and you are guiding me to where you want me. Nobody is around. If I didn't trust you so much, I would be scared. You take me to the picnic table that we always sit at. I look out around the lake and see the lights of the city bouncing off the water. I point to a few constilations and feed you some bullshit excuse for why I know them. The truth is, I'm just a big nerd.
I start shivering in the fall breeze, and you put your arm around me to keep me warm. Your head rests on mine and everything feels right in the world. Your fingers graze my arm and I get shivers down my back. God I want to kiss you.
I stand up in front of you and you grab my neck and kiss me passionatly. All of the built up tension comes flowing out of my body. I want to be closer to you, I need to be closer. I stand up on the bench and straddle your lap. You put your arms around me and attack my neck. I can't help but grind into you. It was so hot knowing that anybody could be watching us. But I didn't care. I just needed you right then.
It was now 2am, and I am tired. I stop you and get up. We start walking back on the path we took to get there, hand in hand. We pass a building and I feel you tugging on my arm. You throw me up against the building and press your body against mine and once again, kiss me. Somehow my pants came off, and I find myself standing in the middle of a park, naked from the waist down, not caring who sees me. I need to feel you next to me.




After all of this, howcome I keep convincing myself that it's not a good idea for us to be together? I've been so blind, I can't see whats in front of my face. I can enjoy the moments but not make sense of them. Why is that?