Everything Reminds me of you.
I have created so many memories than I can't tell where you stop and where I start again. This constant tug of war needs to stop. So I'm saying good-bye.

Good bye to the many nights and mornings we layed in bed together talking about the day and the future.
Good bye to the many dinners out with our families and our dinner dates alone.
Good bye to waking up with a missed message from the night before.
Good bye to ending a conversation with 'I love you'.
Good bye to the Valenties days that didn't mean anything.
Good bye to Christmases we had
Good bye to Cananda Day on the roof, to brithdays at the bar and to anniversary's
Good bye to Wedding dates and drives up and down the 401.
Good bye to walks with our dogs and afternoons at the dog park.
Good bye to nights in the hot tub and in the hotel.
Good bye to the many tears that controlled my life.
Good bye to our movie dates.
Good bye to everything that was good in our relationship.

The Worst Kind of Man

The worst kind of man promises you the moon and the stars. He is senstive and caring. He brushes the hair off your face, he wipes the tears when you cry.

He has secrets that will hurt you. He reveals them little bits at a time. He makes it seem that he's got everything out and that you have no other surprises ahead of you. HE LIES. You get T-boned out of no where.

He is selfish. He cares only about his own happiness, and although he has said many times how much he cares about you, he lies. He is only concerned about what he needs to do to keep you happy and to get the attention of many different women. It's a slippery slope and I hope he falls off and kills himself.

He preaches "Treat others the way they treat you" and since you treat him like a God, you feel like you have nothing to worry about. WRONG!! He lies. You may be understanding, compassionate or trustworthy. He is deceitful, sneaky and a bad person.

He cheats on you. He spends weekends alone with other women. He calls you when she is in the next room. He texts you when she is right beside him. He visits you and then goes and picks her up. He has no regard for your feelings. He is the worst kind of man.

You can beat me, but the cuts and bruises will heal. You can tell me I'm a bad person, but I know deep down I am not. But to emotionally abuse somebody for a year, that is the worst kind of man.

I don't hope you learn your lesson. No I hope you fall in love again. I hope you fall in love with the worst kind of Woman. I hope she rips your heart out, just as you have done to me. I wish she shakes the foundation of your life. I wish she makes you question every relationship you've ever had and sets you up for failure in your next relationship. I wish she ruins your soul. I hope that after all of that, you then learn your lesson and are overcome with intense greif.

Fuck you for getting to me.
Fuck you for cheating on me.
Fuck you for making me believe I was important to you.
Fuck you for dragging it on for so long.
FUCK YOU you insensitive prick.

I am here because you chose me.
I obeyed because I had to.
I left because you pushed me.
I succeeded to spite you.
I love him because he loves me.
He loves me despite you.
Get used to it.

Life isn't suppose to make sense. I don't understand.

I've been searching and pushing for something that I don't even know I want. I've just been searching to be the best. I gave up this year. I was not happy last year. I decided that I will just let it be and see what happens.. whats the worst thing that could happen?

Well I can tell you that my entire life changed. I completed my university degree, I decided on a program for grad school and applied, I let myself be open to a relationship, and I'm happy.
But on those days when the snow is blowing and I'm sitting here alone, I really think... is this for real? I'm so proud of myself for choosing a path.. but is it the right one? What if I made a mistake? I don't know...

I don't know how to console myself when I get in these moods. Sometimes I wish I could fastforward a couple days-months-years just to see how it's going to end up. I need to know that I'll be okay.

As for him... I don't know what I'm doing. I've never heard so many people tell me that they are proud of me for allowing somebody to come into my life. I didn't realize I was that cynical. I was ruined a long time ago.. and it's taken 4 years for somebody to come and pick up the pieces. I just hope he understands how big this is for me. I'm terrified.

I'm sitting here and I can feel the tears in the back of my eyes. I'm not sure why they are there.. this is all so new and scary. I just hope and pray it works out for the best...

I've changed.
I'm not afraid to admit it. I look the same, maybe a little bit older. I don't feel the same. I've accepted things about myself that I would have fought a year ago. I don't want to say I've grown up, but I'm well on my way. I'm facing my last semester of University. I've planed for my whole life, except for what happens next. I knew that after elementary school came high school. After high school came university, and I know after I graduate the pressure will be on to do something great- I just don't know what is great yet. I know that after this stage I will want to get married, buy a house, a dog and eventually have children. But it's this stage of in-between that I'm facing and am unsure of how to approach it. My options are endless. I want to travel. I want to get out and "find myself" or just find direction. Should I go teach overseas? Can I really be away from my family and friends for a full year? It breaks my heart to be 2 hours away; I wonder what it will feel like to be a day away. I guess I'll never know unless I try!

Friends have drifted and come closer, as with everything in life. I've slowly discovered who my true friends are, not just friends of convenience. I think the real test is if I actually really care what they are up to now. Some people, I don't really care, other's I'm sitting at the edge of my seat with anticipation.

I've decided that I'm too busy for a relationship. But I've also decided that I'm 100% for equal rights... so if a guy can do it, so can I. Some people may disagree with my actions, but frankly, I don't care. I'm too busy to care. I'm happy, I'm safe and I'm satisfied. And to me, that’s all that matters.

I've pushed myself past my limits, and I'm a better person. I've had heartbreaks and set backs, but I don't regret anything. I'm taking on more responsibility than is necessary, but what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger... I just hope it doesn’t kill me.

"Tears Dry On Their Own"

All I can ever be to you,
Is a darkness that we knew,
And this regret I had to get accustomed to,
Once it was so right,
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night,
I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don't know why I got so attached,
It's my responsibility, And you don't owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And in this grey, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own,

I don't understand,
Why do I stress A man,
When there's so many better things at hand,
We could a never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal,

Even if I stop wanting you,
A Perspective pushes thru,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon,
I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men,

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK, In this blue shade,
My tears dry on their own,

So we are history,
YOUR shadow covers me
The sky above,
A blaze only that lovers see

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own,

I wish I could SAY no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
And as we kiss goodbye the sun sets,
So we are history,
The shadow covers me,
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see,

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue Shade,
My tears dry on their own

Amy Winehouse

I'm drowning in myself. I've taken on the impossible task of balancing three part time jobs, attempting to complete a full year course in 3 months and to find some time for myself. Something has to give. And lately it's been myself. Money has taken over everything. I'm going to change that.

I got a promotion which will allow me to drop down to two jobs. I'm fed up with the 2nd job and I think my time there is quickly running out.

I'm not upset, I'm not busy, just overwhelmed. I feel like there is no stopping. I'm constantly running around in circles. I need to break away and concentrate on something other than customer serivce. I need a place where I can be rude and unfriendly if I want to be.

I'm craving my cottage. I've been up once this year. I need to be near the beach and the sun and the heat. I can't stand being pent up inside of a huge concrete box with unforgiving lighting and the constant flow of customers.

I'm complaining a lot, but I'm making changes to my life. And this time next week, hopefully I'll be stress free and laying on the beach. Hopefully.