National Ass Hole Month
The tales of being the unintentional 'Other Woman'

I always feel the need to talk about something somebody has done to me in order to understand why. Sometimes I write to remind myself so I can relive it, and sometimes I write to let my frustrations out. I know that as soon as I finish the words on this screen, I will feel relief and I will no longer dwell on the past, but move on to the future.

Today, as in most days, my topic of discussion is boys, not men, but boys.

The first fella I would like to look at is a guy I have been talking to for the past 4 years off and on. We met at a bonfire in the back yard of a friend’s house and I guess he was instantly drawn to me. He said I had the most beautiful smile. The conversation we had that night was minimal, but very friendly. It wasn't until the next week, when I received an e-mail from him saying that he would like to get to know me better, when I actually started to take an interest.
We continued on the random e-mail path for a couple years, every now and then throwing in a phone call or two. But nothing ever went further. Recently, as in the past 2 months, we have been talking weekly on MSN and through e-mail, exchanging pictures of our friends and planning a reunion the next time I am home. Things have been going really well, sometimes getting a little X-rated, but still innocent and fun.
So we have been planning this reunion for a while now, and clearly some fun (meaning kissing and whatnot) has been discussed, but today I found out that he has been seeing a girl for the past couple weeks and even took her to a wedding this weekend. He just neglected to tell me this, and lead me to believe he was single. What an ass! I hate being the other woman.
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This next guy is just as bad. So Halloween night we get all dressed up and looking pretty hot. The girls and I go to this bar and we're having a great time. I decide to take a breather and sit down on these huge comfy couches with some of my friends and we're talking. Suddenly this guy approaches me and asks to sit down. He starts chatting up my friends and I but mainly focusing his attention on me. My friends leave, leaving us alone to talk. We talk for an hour at least about everything. He seemed so nice and normal and genuinely into me. His buddies come over and won't leave, so he asks me if I want to go for a walk to get some fresh air. I know this is the code word for 'let’s go outside and make-out'. I say yes anyways and I try my best to play hard to get, but to no avail, it didn't work.
So I saw him at the bar last night, he happens to be a bouncer there. I go up and talk to him and he seems so distant and uninterested and I am left utterly confused; until this morning.
I was talking with my co-host and she said that she did some dirty work and found out that he has a girlfriend! That little rat! I wonder what his girlfriend would have to say about his actions on Tuesday. I fricken hate being the other woman!
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As I was sitting here writing this blog, I received a message from a friend of mine who happens to be a guy. Now this friend and I don't talk often, I tried to proposition him in the summer but he was straightforward and said he had a gf. Finally an honest man!

Anyways, I stopped writing this blog to chat with him and he restored some of my faith in the male gender. He just wrote to me to say that he's been hearing good things about my radio show and to keep up the good work and to check in to see how I'm doing. As pessimistic as I can be, something always hits me up the side of my head to throw me back into reality. So thank you to all those nice guys out there. You are a dieing breed.

Perpetually stuck in limbo

I am stuck:

Between my family of the past and my family of the future
Between the first time and the last time
Between the beginning of University and the Ending
Between feeling awkward and feeling beautiful
Between when I saw you last and when I'll see you again
Between ideas
Between being a genius and being a failure
Between kisses
Between Life

You walk into the room and everybody stops and watches you. You smile and feel like you are on top of the world. There's a side of this scene that you don't see. We're just here to humor you. Nobody really likes you.

But it's not your fault.

You see, we don't know who you are or why you act like you do. Nobody knows the real you. You act like a princess, a total drama queen to be exact. You prance around in your little skirts and flesh baring shirts and think that everybody adores you.

I'm here to break your fantasy.

Nobody can relate to you because you present such a conflicting, two faced front. If you want something from me, you are nice and sweet. But if I confront you, you stomp your feet and throw a tantrum like a three year old. You pull my friend around by the strings and make him believe that you care about him. The truth is, you only care about what he can do for you. I don't like that.

You have one true friend. This friend is only your friend because you bond in holy falsehood. You both are fake and hold onto each other because between the two of you, you make up a whole person.

You need to stop and smell the roses; high school ended 4 years ago. This year you will enter the real world like the rest of the graduating class. You will fail.

I'm not sorry and I wish you all the best. April can't come soon enough!

The Rain of Crap Never Ends

This morning I cried uncontrollably. Today, my life changed. Not because of one specific thing, but because of everything.
Today I found out that my credit card has been ‘compromised’ and there's nothing I can do about it. Meaning that somebody has been using my credit card number without my permission. I now have to go spend hours in the bank trying to figure this out, instead of spending hours in the library studying.
Today, my ex boyfriend finally rejected me. After 2 years, he has finally said no, he loves his girlfriend too much. I am so proud of him, but at the same time, I feel stupid. You cheated on me with her, why couldn't you have realized how much you loved me and told her no 2 years ago? Maybe this is what I need to finally move on.
Today, I looked at my finances and realized that I need to do something drastic, and that covering the bills for my house isn't as much fun as it's cracked up to be. I'm quickly sipping into debt.
I called my Mom because I needed to hear her voice. For some reason, it was the most comforting thing I've heard all year. I miss her so much. Whenever I go home, it's always so busy and I never get one on one time. She doesn’t know how to treat me anymore. I'm stuck somewhere between a child and an adult; not quite either.
This morning as I was getting ready, the tears just streamed down my face. I ignored them. I took a shower, got dressed, and did my hair and make-up with a continual stream of tears streaked down my face. I'm sitting here, ready to take on the day, but wanting to crawl up into a ball in my bed and cry until I can't feel my body anymore.
Today I realized that I am lonely. My friends have started to find happiness with somebody else. Somebody they can confide in and tell all their secrets too. I just have this keyboard and monitor, and my stuffed cow Moo. Somehow, it's not as comforting as I wish it would be.
I need to change, I need to be strong. I need to stop crying.

Innocence

Seen through a child’s eyes. It is incredible to see the sense of wonder with new experiences. I wish to go back to the time when the simple things made me happy. Seen through a new puppy. The playfulness, curiosity and sense of loyalty. If only everything could be so simple.

I can be myself with you. I feel the spark between us when our eyes meet. Howcome I keep putting you off?

Yesterday we went down to the beach again. It seems to be our place when I'm home. We always park in the same parking lot, walk along the same path, and wander off the path onto the sand at the exact same spot. Every time seems new, but surprisingly the same. Our arms are linked together and you are guiding me to where you want me. Nobody is around. If I didn't trust you so much, I would be scared. You take me to the picnic table that we always sit at. I look out around the lake and see the lights of the city bouncing off the water. I point to a few constilations and feed you some bullshit excuse for why I know them. The truth is, I'm just a big nerd.
I start shivering in the fall breeze, and you put your arm around me to keep me warm. Your head rests on mine and everything feels right in the world. Your fingers graze my arm and I get shivers down my back. God I want to kiss you.
I stand up in front of you and you grab my neck and kiss me passionatly. All of the built up tension comes flowing out of my body. I want to be closer to you, I need to be closer. I stand up on the bench and straddle your lap. You put your arms around me and attack my neck. I can't help but grind into you. It was so hot knowing that anybody could be watching us. But I didn't care. I just needed you right then.
It was now 2am, and I am tired. I stop you and get up. We start walking back on the path we took to get there, hand in hand. We pass a building and I feel you tugging on my arm. You throw me up against the building and press your body against mine and once again, kiss me. Somehow my pants came off, and I find myself standing in the middle of a park, naked from the waist down, not caring who sees me. I need to feel you next to me.




After all of this, howcome I keep convincing myself that it's not a good idea for us to be together? I've been so blind, I can't see whats in front of my face. I can enjoy the moments but not make sense of them. Why is that?

You know the old wives tale that when girls live in close proximity to each other, their menstrual cycle becomes in sync with each other? Well a similar phenomenon is happening right here in K/W with my girlfriends. Not only do we go through PMS, bleed for a week straight, and have bitchy days; we also Blog together. It's an incredible occurrence that happens all month where, without communicating with each other, in one night, each of us will write a separate blog. It's quite an incredible experience to flip through my 'Favorites' websites after I've finished a blog to see that all of my friends have written a new blog! It makes me feel like a part of the group. Our own online bond of writing and emotions.
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People are changing. And it's only natural. A lot of you are facing your last year in University. This time next year, you will be a full fledged Adult, contributing to society, hopefully not living out of your parent’s basement. Usually this looming change would result in a growth in maturity. Actually rewind for a second, the transition from High School to University should have resulted in a growth of Maturity. The transition from University to the Economy should just reflect what your parents (or yourself) have spent so much money on. An Education. How can you have a University level education and have the emotional capabilities of a High school freshman?
To those who have some serious growing up to do: Get on it. Or else you will be left behind. To those who are in the midst of realizing their life plan: Stick with it. This is what you want for yourself, not what others want for you. Stay true to yourself.
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Once upon a time the line was drawn in the sand. Easily erasable and frequently done. The line between friends.
For some reason there has to be this huge line that people pretend isn't there. But when the keg is done, and the party is over, the line is clearly drawn in the sand. With a group of girls over in the corner, another group of girls in the bedroom, a group of guys in front of the TV, and a couple stragglers caught in the middle unsure of where to go.
Recently the sand has been turning to concrete. With the HSG at the bar grinding against anything with a penis, the DTE girls chilling in somebody's room listening to music, the CO guys watching a movie or Football on TV, and the amount of stragglers decreasing drastically. We aren't all friends, and we should really stop trying to kid ourselves. Lies may work in politics, but not in the real world. I don't know about you, but I like to know who my friends are and exactly how much I can trust them with. I'm happy that other people are seeing what I have and are seeing through the fakeness of some people and are starting to rebel against them. You don't have to like everybody, and everybody doesn’t have to like you. I don't care if people don't like me. I'm only here to please myself.