I don't know where to start. +009.jpg)
I've fallen into a deep hole and I don't know how to get out. Nobody has notice that I've been slipping, and most importantly, nobody seems to care.
Emotions are hard to rationalize, because emotions are not always rational.
School has started up again, and when I look up at my calendar I see a jumbled mess of blue, green, red and black writing signifying my many commitments. I feel tied down. I feel like I am being held here against my own will. I need to get out. I feel trapped in my room. I only leave when I need to. My roommates have been turning their backs on me and shutting doors in my face. It's hard to feel welcome in such a cold place. They have no idea about my thoughts or emotions. But it's not their fault. They are so absorbed in their own life and making decisions about their future. It's okay. I put on a good front.
I guess I feel like I'm going to be left behind. Maybe I'm looking too deep into some actions. My biggest fear is that they are going to leave and never look back. That as soon as this semester is over, I'm going to lose great friends because of the future. Damn future.
I want to go home, but when I'm home, I don't want to be there. It's a double edged sword. It's the only place I feel welcome, but the only place I can't be myself. I don't think I have a reason to cry. I'm privileged. I don't pay for my education, I don't pay for rent. I have an opportunity to do something great with my life; an opportunity people are killing for. But what is my goal? To tell you the truth, I don't have one. Some people look at my life and don't understand why I feel the way I do. My parents are amazing, they are so accommodating and our house is full of love. They would go to the end of the earth and back for me- as long as it doesn’t interfere with my brothers. It's hard to explain. I'm the oldest of 3. They have always put more pressure on me to be the best, be a good example for the boys and be independent. As soon as I left home, that was it. They started cutting ties, and I'm just not ready yet. I need to slow down.
The future is coming so fast. Everything I have been dreaming about and working towards is suddenly at my feet. I might make a wrong decision. What if I do? What happens then?
It's unnerving to see some people taking the right steps forward. People are making plans for the future together. A future life, marriage, babies, the whole nine yards. Why did these people find each other, while some of us are still swimming in the dating pool? Why has there been nobody who I could have a life with yet? How do you know if you've met the right person? How do you know if you've met the wrong person? How do you know anything? What if I never find my fish?
My life is like a puzzle. All of the pieces fit together so nicely, but it will never look complete unless everything is in its rightful place. I can bang and move pieces around to try to make them fit, but it just won't work if that piece belongs to another puzzle. I just need to find all the pieces.
+009.jpg)
I've fallen into a deep hole and I don't know how to get out. Nobody has notice that I've been slipping, and most importantly, nobody seems to care.
Emotions are hard to rationalize, because emotions are not always rational.
School has started up again, and when I look up at my calendar I see a jumbled mess of blue, green, red and black writing signifying my many commitments. I feel tied down. I feel like I am being held here against my own will. I need to get out. I feel trapped in my room. I only leave when I need to. My roommates have been turning their backs on me and shutting doors in my face. It's hard to feel welcome in such a cold place. They have no idea about my thoughts or emotions. But it's not their fault. They are so absorbed in their own life and making decisions about their future. It's okay. I put on a good front.
I guess I feel like I'm going to be left behind. Maybe I'm looking too deep into some actions. My biggest fear is that they are going to leave and never look back. That as soon as this semester is over, I'm going to lose great friends because of the future. Damn future.
I want to go home, but when I'm home, I don't want to be there. It's a double edged sword. It's the only place I feel welcome, but the only place I can't be myself. I don't think I have a reason to cry. I'm privileged. I don't pay for my education, I don't pay for rent. I have an opportunity to do something great with my life; an opportunity people are killing for. But what is my goal? To tell you the truth, I don't have one. Some people look at my life and don't understand why I feel the way I do. My parents are amazing, they are so accommodating and our house is full of love. They would go to the end of the earth and back for me- as long as it doesn’t interfere with my brothers. It's hard to explain. I'm the oldest of 3. They have always put more pressure on me to be the best, be a good example for the boys and be independent. As soon as I left home, that was it. They started cutting ties, and I'm just not ready yet. I need to slow down.
The future is coming so fast. Everything I have been dreaming about and working towards is suddenly at my feet. I might make a wrong decision. What if I do? What happens then?
It's unnerving to see some people taking the right steps forward. People are making plans for the future together. A future life, marriage, babies, the whole nine yards. Why did these people find each other, while some of us are still swimming in the dating pool? Why has there been nobody who I could have a life with yet? How do you know if you've met the right person? How do you know if you've met the wrong person? How do you know anything? What if I never find my fish?
My life is like a puzzle. All of the pieces fit together so nicely, but it will never look complete unless everything is in its rightful place. I can bang and move pieces around to try to make them fit, but it just won't work if that piece belongs to another puzzle. I just need to find all the pieces.
7 comments:
Maybe instead of thinking that the world is against you, you should sit back and realize that there may be good reasons why backs are being turned and doors slammed. You spend so much time pushing people out and then when they're out you feel rejected and betrayed. You have a big heart but you shield and protect it with dark shadows. And this darkness blocks you from even realizing that peoples feelings are being hurt, or patience is running out. You can't expect people to fight you every day for you to talk to them and tell them what's wrong. You just need to trust that that person cares and tell them about it. You can't get mad for people not caring when you are making it so hard for them to do so. And you should feel lucky...lucky that you still have friends that are willing to stick around. All you have to do is find and appreciate them. And know that they can't chase you forever, you'll have to one day let down the barriers and let them in. You are great person so use that and throw away the dark shadows.
Maybe those who you think are your friends aren't sure if you are their friend. Turning your back on people and shutting people out creates a domino effect. It's hard to be supportive when the other person feels like you aren't there to support them right back.
They're still your friends. You just need to show that you are their friend as well.
what goes around comes around...
the thing is, when you treat people like crap, you should expect to be treated like crap in return. it's only a matter of time until people see through the front you put up. friends aren't to be disposed of like the trash. when you treat them as though they are disposable creatures that you've made them out to be it hurts. it sucks getting a taste of your own medicine, doesn't it?
There's no such thing as putting up a good front. When you try to put up a front, the only person you end up fooling is yourself. Maybe you should be honest with your friends instead if trying to fool them all the time. People wont trust you if they think they're being tricked, and you can't have a friendship with someone you don't trust.
You are literally a huge bitch, maybe that's why nobody likes you
I can't really speak from experience here, since we're really only acquaintances, but I have friends who are friends with you. Or thought they were friends with you. You just have to open yourself up. If you cut out the pain you could experience, then you cut out the happiness you experience too. If people trust you, you can't take advantage of that for your own means. You have to treasure that like it's the world, because it is. Don't be jealous or upset with your friends, just be happy for them. Like they would be for you.
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