2010 is the beginning of something amazing. I'm starting this century independent, confident and happy. In light of that, I've decided to update my bucket list. So, here goes.

1. Learn to shoot a gun
2. Skydive
3. Bungee jump somewhere exotic over a river
4. Visit Egypt and the pyramids
5. Have a radio show
6. Go on an African Safari
7. Live in a different country for a couple months
8. Backpack through Grease, Italy and Amsterdam
9. Stay in a 5 Star resort in Jamaica
10. Own a BMW
11. Buy a Louis Vutton bag for myself
12. Get my Masters
13. Visit the 7 Wonders of the World - All of them! (See Below)
14. Buy a house
15. Live by myself
16. Pay off my Student Debt
17. Go dog sledding
18. Learn how to professionally arrange flowers
19. Cut up my Credit cards and live off cash for 1 year
20. Own a dog
21. Run a marathon
22. Write a book
23. Fall in love
24. Get published in a magazine
25. Own a Business. McDonalds, Tim Hortons...
26. Retire by the age of 60
27. Design and build my "dream" kitchen
28. Drive a Formula 1 Car
29. Learn how to Salsa Dance
30. Learn a new language
31. Live with the Amish and see what all the fuss is about
32. Go horseback riding on a beach
33. Be a mentor to somebody
34. Fly in a hot air balloon
35. Go Whale watching
36. Plant a tree in my yard and enjoy it grow
37. Become a Key Note Speaker
38. Throw a huge party
39. Learn the differences between wine
40. Drive across a country.. any country!
41. Fly a Kite
42. Go snorkeling
43. Fly first class
44. Visit a volcano
45. Go on a romantic get-away
46. Swim with Dolphins
47. Volunteer to build houses in a different country
48. Learn how to make 1 gourmet meal
49. Take a class on painting
50. Visit Disney World and see all my favourite characters
51. Have a baby
52. Do something that scares me
53. Get rid of my car and only take public transit for 6 months
54. Be a bridesmaid
55. Take up photography
56. Live on a farm
57. Take a celebrity out for dinner

7 Wonders of the Ancient World:

- Great Pyramid of Giza (the only one that still exists). Egypt

Wonders of the Medieval World:

-Stonehenge. Wiltshire, England
-Colosseum. Rome, Italy
-Catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa. Alexandria, Egypt
-Great Wall of China. China
-Porcelain Tower of Nanjing. China
-Hagia Sophia. Istanbul, Turkey
-Leaning Tower of Pisa. Italy
-Taj Mahal. India
-Cairo Citadel. Egypt
-Ely Cathedral. Cambridgeshire, England
-Cluny Abbey. France

Wonders of the Modern World:

- Channel Tunnel. Strait of Dover between the United Kingdom and France
-CN Tower. Toronto, Ontario
-Empire State Building. New York, NY
-Golden Gate Bridge. Sanfrancisco, California
-Itaipu Dam. Between Brazil and Paraguay
-Delta Works/Zuiderzee Works. Netherlands
-Panama Canal. Isthmus of Panama

The New 7 Wonders of the World (as of 2006)

- Great Wall of China. China
-Petra. Jordan
-Christ the Redeemer. Brazil
-Machu Picchu. Peru
-Chichen Itza. Mexico
-Roman Colosseum. Italy
-Taj Mahal. India
-Great Pyramid. Egypt

7 Wonders of the Natural World:

-Grand Canyon. Arizona, USA
-Great Barrier Reef. Australia
-Harbour of Rio de Janeiro
-Mount Everest. Asia
-Aurora
-Paricutin Volcano. Mexico
-Victoria Falls. Africa

What is True Love?

I remember that day. The sun was high in the sky and the air was warm. We drove with the window cracked a bit so that my hair didn't get messed up. I saw you come out in her arms and my heart instantly ached. I knew you were the one for me.

We drove back home with you in my lap. You fell asleep. I felt like I needed to protect you at all times. You were so small and I was all you had. This, I thought, was true love.

I was so scared when you went screaming under the car at the cottage. I was shaking and calling your name. I was crying for no apparent reason. I was the only one you would come to and now I realize that you felt the same way I do. You were my one and I am your one. You came to me then, like you did to me today. That same look and slow crawl. Even though you were in pain, you still wanted to be close to me. And I love you for that.

True love is the need to protect somebody. And True Love is needing to have the other take care of you. To have that thing on your mind all the time, just in the back, but always there. To be happy just to sit in the same room. True love is a commitment to the other.

2009

What a year. It started off with promise and hopefulness. Heartbreak, tragedy, sadness followed. Then came a sense of self. A sense of belonging and competitiveness. Accomplishment, pride and faith.

I did the best I could with what I had and I am so proud of myself. When I fell apart, I picked myself back up again and made me better. I finished one path and started another.

It's funny looking back on the past couple years and remembering all the tears and the happiness and the friendships and none of those those seem as sad or happy as I remember feeling then. But I suppose that's how it really goes. All those nights up on a computer hammering out an essay, cramming for an exam or chatting with a heartbroken friend have all been worth it. Every step of the way has been worth it because with out, I wouldn't be where I am today.

The lessons I learned this year are:

• in the end, you can only trust and depend on yourself. I am the only one who is looking out for me and I need to do whatever it takes to make me happy.
• People come and go in my life for different reasons. But each have helped push me to learn more about myself.
• I can do it.
• A dream is achievable with small goals. One step at a time.
• I am most content when I am alone. Does that make me a loaner? Or maybe I just like myself.
• One day I am going to make a fantastic mother, but that day is not today.
• I am able to overcome personal tragedy on my own.
• I am really good at keeping secrets
• Once I make up my mind, there is no stopping me.

2009 has been a challenging year that has pushed me to my limits, but has also shown me what I am able to handle. And after this year, I am confident that I can handle anything.

Bring on 2010!

Will it ever be just me? Is it impossible to be with one person only? Is it an act of selfishness or is it just me? Am I not doing enough to make him happy? Will it ever be just me?

I find it disconcerning when I run into people I know from my past and they appear to be with a wonderful man who treats them right and makes them a priority in their life. Their father treats them like princesses. They have tiffany's around their neck and their wrists, coach bags on their arms and a smile on their face. They have men that will spend a couple hundred dollars on them just to see their face when they open the present... but does money buy happiness?

I always thought money would make things easier. And maybe it does. I'm sure a double income would make life easier as well. But I don't have either of those. So what can I do to make life easier? Be jealous of my best friend who moved into a beautiful condo with her bf today? Be jealous of the Coach bags and tiffany necklaces? Be jealous of the girls that eat out every night? Be jealous of the girls living in their parents condo in Yorkville by themselves? I think that would make me a very bitter person.

So, thats something I constantly fight with. To force a big smile on my face and hug them and listen to them tell me how great their life is. Well guess what, let me tell you how great my life is. I have a two bedroom apartment to myself. I support myself. I have a couple things that I wish I could afford, but I'm not scrambling to make rent every month. I have a great dog who is very loving, and although she is very energetic at times, I wouldn't want it any other way. At least one thing is happy to see me every single day. I have love in my life. It comes in the form of friends and extended family, but I have love. There is food in my belly and a roof over my head and my debts are slowly being paid down. Slowly every month.. but still going down every month. Thats the best I can do.

What a wonderful night. I felt like myself for the first time in a very long time. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was my old roommates, but whatever it was, I am so thankful.

I can't believe how much I missed their company. I could have talked for hours with Tony and I haven't danced with Karen and Leigh like that in years. It made me smile to see Emily so happy with her man and the same goes for Amber. I could see it on both of their faces. Just pure joy. Comfortable, happy, can't live without each other love. I can't believe how everything has changed, yet, when we were all together, it was like nothing ever changed.

I'm having dinner with Trish tomorrow, then dinner with my cousins on Thursday. I'm slowly finding myself again. And it feels great!

Its been 10 days since my last post. Who knew so much could change in 10 days.

I'm sitting here watching Keeping up with the Kardashian's and I'm in tears. Everything seems to get to me lately and I just can't control my emotions anymore. Tonight's episode was Khloe's wedding. Her father passed away when she was young and a major theme of the wedding was honouring her late father. A lot of the speeches revolved around "if Dad was here..." type of thing. Well I can't help but think that my wedding will be the same.

Not because my Dad has died, but because my Dad wants to be demoted to simply a sperm doner. He does not want to know about my life, he wants no details. He doesn't want to see me, nor does he want to even hear about me. So, I was forced to move out of his house a week early, which caused me to move with little help. Five days later and I'm still not unpacked.

It's a difficult thing to go through life having things one way and believing that somebody will be there for you always, and then one day to have them say, I want nothing to do with you. I'm sure this is similar to what women feel when they get divorced. It's like a rug has been pulled out from under my feet and I just have no direction anymore.
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I'm so frustrated with him. He broke plans for a phone conversation so he could hang out, smoke weed and play video games with his friends that he sees every day. I walked to Canadian Tire and back, in the dark, so that I could get a phone to call him on. I got this great phone plan that allows for so many long distance minutes a month that is more than half of what I pay for a similar plan on my cell phone.

I get home, charge the phone up enough to make a call and I get "Hey (cough cough cough) whats up? Just chillin with Dan and Christy (cough cough), ya, (silence....) ya, ok Kelly, bye.

Great conversation. I'm SO GLAD I walked in the dark to Canadian Tire for a 2 minute conversation with somebody who can't even put down the blunt.

Then I get, "Let me call you when they leave shortly". That was at 9:04. It 11:51 and I'm still waiting for that phone call.

Actions speak louder than words- and yours are screaming at me.

You know, I have given you a second, third, fourth and fifth chance. And this time you promised that you would do me right. You promised that you'd be that guy for me. Whatever it took to get me back. You said you realized what you lost and you don't want to lose it ever again. Well... what happened to that????

That lasted a total of 3 weeks. Right now, you're showing me every reason why I made a mistake in taking you back. If you can't be that man, then leave me the fuck alone. I made it so very clear to you that these are my expectations. I asked you one by one if you are able to deliver on those expectations. Your answer was yes. But talk is cheap! You're not delivering on anything!

If I can't depend on you for a simple phone call, how am I supposed to depend on you for anything at all?

I'm realizing what is important in my life. My health, a roof over my head, my career, my dog and my happiness. If you're not making me happy, then why are you in my life? If you are intentionally upsetting me, it's time to move on.

If you can't keep a phone date, something is majorly wrong.