What a wonderful night. I felt like myself for the first time in a very long time. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was my old roommates, but whatever it was, I am so thankful.

I can't believe how much I missed their company. I could have talked for hours with Tony and I haven't danced with Karen and Leigh like that in years. It made me smile to see Emily so happy with her man and the same goes for Amber. I could see it on both of their faces. Just pure joy. Comfortable, happy, can't live without each other love. I can't believe how everything has changed, yet, when we were all together, it was like nothing ever changed.

I'm having dinner with Trish tomorrow, then dinner with my cousins on Thursday. I'm slowly finding myself again. And it feels great!

Its been 10 days since my last post. Who knew so much could change in 10 days.

I'm sitting here watching Keeping up with the Kardashian's and I'm in tears. Everything seems to get to me lately and I just can't control my emotions anymore. Tonight's episode was Khloe's wedding. Her father passed away when she was young and a major theme of the wedding was honouring her late father. A lot of the speeches revolved around "if Dad was here..." type of thing. Well I can't help but think that my wedding will be the same.

Not because my Dad has died, but because my Dad wants to be demoted to simply a sperm doner. He does not want to know about my life, he wants no details. He doesn't want to see me, nor does he want to even hear about me. So, I was forced to move out of his house a week early, which caused me to move with little help. Five days later and I'm still not unpacked.

It's a difficult thing to go through life having things one way and believing that somebody will be there for you always, and then one day to have them say, I want nothing to do with you. I'm sure this is similar to what women feel when they get divorced. It's like a rug has been pulled out from under my feet and I just have no direction anymore.
_______________________________________

I'm so frustrated with him. He broke plans for a phone conversation so he could hang out, smoke weed and play video games with his friends that he sees every day. I walked to Canadian Tire and back, in the dark, so that I could get a phone to call him on. I got this great phone plan that allows for so many long distance minutes a month that is more than half of what I pay for a similar plan on my cell phone.

I get home, charge the phone up enough to make a call and I get "Hey (cough cough cough) whats up? Just chillin with Dan and Christy (cough cough), ya, (silence....) ya, ok Kelly, bye.

Great conversation. I'm SO GLAD I walked in the dark to Canadian Tire for a 2 minute conversation with somebody who can't even put down the blunt.

Then I get, "Let me call you when they leave shortly". That was at 9:04. It 11:51 and I'm still waiting for that phone call.

Actions speak louder than words- and yours are screaming at me.

You know, I have given you a second, third, fourth and fifth chance. And this time you promised that you would do me right. You promised that you'd be that guy for me. Whatever it took to get me back. You said you realized what you lost and you don't want to lose it ever again. Well... what happened to that????

That lasted a total of 3 weeks. Right now, you're showing me every reason why I made a mistake in taking you back. If you can't be that man, then leave me the fuck alone. I made it so very clear to you that these are my expectations. I asked you one by one if you are able to deliver on those expectations. Your answer was yes. But talk is cheap! You're not delivering on anything!

If I can't depend on you for a simple phone call, how am I supposed to depend on you for anything at all?

I'm realizing what is important in my life. My health, a roof over my head, my career, my dog and my happiness. If you're not making me happy, then why are you in my life? If you are intentionally upsetting me, it's time to move on.

If you can't keep a phone date, something is majorly wrong.

With the big change about to happen in my life I need to become more focused. I now have a career to take charge of and I don't need any distractions. I need to have a balanced life. I can't be on a roller coaster of emotions anymore. I need stability. I need a schedule. I need to be even.

Since my emotions are generally controlled by the people around me, I've been thinking quite a bit about what is going to make me even and this is what I've come up with.

I need a man who is proud of me. I need somebody who shows me off to his friends and his family and makes me feel proud of me too.

I need a man who touches me often to make me feel wanted.

I need a man who supports my decisions, especially with my career. And somebody who takes advantage of the time we can spend together.

I need somebody who makes me feel wanted and needed. There is nothing more special than a surprise delivery of flowers or a knock at the door with a big hug waiting on the other side.

I want somebody who recognizes that I've been really hurt by men in the past and that I have trust issues. If he can't cut out the extra women, especially women he's hurt me with in the past, then he isn't the right guy for me. Girl friends are cool, but its not necessary to continue to talk to a woman he had an emotional affair or a verbal sex fest with on a regular basis.

My guy should want to make me happy and not sad. And he should recognize that there are great things in life that come with being in a relationship. And he should want to be in a relationship.

He should want to explore Toronto with me. If he lives in Toronto then he should be ok with doing the touristy things with me. Even if he's done it before. And if he's not in Toronto, then he should want to come to the city and explore it with me.

He should want to work at our relationship and not be scared of taking it to another level.

He should treat me as his confidante. He should come to me with his fears, accomplishments, trouble etc.

I want a deep connection that two people in love feel. The "I know everything about you and I STILL love you" feeling is incredible. It's amazing to put your heart in somebody elses hands and have them take care of it for you. I'm really good at taking care of hearts.

I just want somebody who wants me more than somebody else.

1. You are not a victim. No matter what happens to you, don't take the pussy route and blame the world for your misfortune. If you were sexually assaulted, verbally abused, etc and lived to tell about it; take your pain and help those who need it. Writing emo poetry isn't going to solve anything.

2. Invest in your education first, your looks second. Anyone can pay a plastic surgeon to look hot, but not everyone can read a book and do simple math.

3. No matter what you call it, having a 'man to take you shopping' is glorified prostitution. He wants you for your body, you want him for his wallet. Cut the crap and call it what it is.

4. Do not seek confidence in other people. Magazines, celebrities and most pop influences are there to make you feel like you're nothing. Don't buy into it. Those celebrities need your money to look fabulous. Invest in yourself, not hype.

5. Stop fueling gossip mongers [Perez Hilton, TMZ.]. They have nothing to talk about and if you follow them for long, neither will you.

6. Be modest; why have all your goods unwrapped and leave nothing for the imagination?

7. Know the difference between fucking and love. There is a major difference and if you don't know it, pick up a book or ask someone who does.

8. Do not have children just because you're lonely or insecure. Your child will end up hating you for it and you won't get the emotional blanket you hoped you'd get.

9. Get a job. Seriously. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean that you are excused from work. Find a trade, get a job. If you are a house wife, be a good one. If you are a career woman, put your heart into what you do.

10. A respectable companion is rarely at a 'bar' or da club'. These places are meat markets and will only set you up for a douchebag or a wimp. If you go, refer to rule 7.

11. Learn to cook. Cooking is a dying skill that needs not be. You'd be surprise how much weight you lose and how you can get a decent companion if you know more than picking up a phone and calling for dinner.

12. Get off your phone. If it's not your best friend, your job or your family, your cackling is not important and the rest of the world does not want to hear it. Listen more. Talk less.

13. Stop using men to get you stuff. Have some self respect and buy your own drinks, meals and entertainment. A date will respect you more if you show them you are not helpless.

14. Perfume and baby powder does not make up for good hygiene. Shower, do your laundry, clean your place. Body odor is not excusable for either genders.

15. If you are a Lesbian, respect yourself and stop trying to find acceptance in the world. 9/10 they will not accept you. Tell them 'fuck you' and be your own woman.

16. If you are a Lesbian, you are not anymore special or important than anyone else. You love other women and you have that right, but do not flex your preference thinking it makes you unique. Your mind and experiences make you unique, either gay or straight.

17. Buy clothes that fit. Be tasteful with your clothing be you big or small.

18. Don't eat for comfort, vomit to make yourself beautiful, and starve yourself to feel loved. Exercise, be sensible with your food choices, don't deprive yourself but never eat too much. The quickest way to a size 30, and to the grave, is past your teeth.

19. If they say the love you, ask them to earn your heart through good deeds, genuine kindness and respect.

20. Romance is not dead; but if you're not willing to give it, don't expect it in return.

21. Stop being a bitch to other women and other people. If you are not happy, go get therapy. No one deserves to be berated because you don't have the guts to berate yourself.

22. Do something new every day. Pole dance to learn about your sensuality, paint to express your creativity, write a blog to express your soul. Evolve and never stop learning.

23. Look in the mirror everyday and smile at what you see.

24. Stay safe. Learn to defend yourself against one or multiple attackers. Jackals do not attack if they see a big stick. If all else fails, run. There is no shame in running if it keeps you safe.

25. Love yourself. Always. When you love yourself to the fullest, the world will open with opportunities

26. Stay positive. The world may seem dark but there will always be another guy, another job, another happy moment. Live for the happy moments.

I can almost see it... that dream I am dreaming. But there's a voice inside my head saying"You'll never reach it."

Every step I'm taking, every move I make feels lost with no direction. My faith is shaking.

But I gotta keep trying. Gotta keep my head held high. There's always gonna be another mountain and I'm always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be a uphill battle -sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.

The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking sometimes might knock me down but I'm not breaking. I may not know it, but these are probably the moments that I'm gonna remember most. Just gotta keep going and I need to be strong and just keep pushing on.

Tomorrow is the day. I have no idea what to expect. I keep racking my brain trying to remember what my doctor said I should do and what I should expect. I'm proud of myself - I only cried once this weekend and luckily he didn't see. I'm trying hard to be strong so that if anything happens, at least one person will be able to say, "she was a strong woman." I just don't want to burden anybody with my problems anymore. I decided tonight that I am going to face this by myself unless somebody asks me to become involved. If I can do this, I can do anything.

I think it's sad that the only place I feel really safe is with him. I sleep better when he is beside me. I feel better in general when I am at his house. It's really sad that I can't feel my best when I am alone. This is something I am trying to work on. It isn't healthy to depend on another person in order to feel your best. Not saying that I intentionally do this, but who doesn't sleep better knowing somebody who is twice your size is laying next to you? Especially when you've lived through a home invasion. It's just a piece of mind I suppose, but that is why I have a dog.

Less focus on man, more focus on dog. Dog has, can and will protect me if the situation arises.

Well, in a matter of 10 minutes I went from being wide awake to my eyes half shut. It is bed time. Sweet dreams.

Another sleepless night.

ugh wtf. Posting last night helped me fall asleep instantly, so here goes again...

I'm getting a tattoo. I've decided what I want and where I want it. I've come to terms with the fact that it will hurt, but life hurts.

I'm sitting here in bed with the lights off wondering when my brain will get a clue and remember that sleep is good! I heard thumping like somebody was storming down the stairs. I turned the light on for a second and listened again- nothing. What the hell is going on. I layed back down again and a couple minutes later I heard it again... thump thump thump thump. I grabbed my cell phone and shined it across my room. There is Miss Lexie sound asleep with her tail wagging. What a cutie. At least somebody around here is having good dreams.

I finished part of a project today that I have been wanting to complete for a very long time. I refinished my side table in an off white colour and put some black decals on the top. I saw a lamp the other day that was similar- so obviously I must go buy it!

I also sanded down and spray painted my dining room chairs. This took me a grand total of eight hours to complete the spray painting. From the primer to the many coats of metallic black car paint- they look awesome now. I also reupholstered the seats in the same off-white colour as I painted the table.

Next I'm debating breaking out the sander again and tackling my kitchen table. I have 3/4 a can of paint left and it might be nice to have a matching set? I guess I'll see how ambitious I am feeling tomorrow.