"What Hurts The Most"

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been

And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to

-Rascal Flatts

The heavy feeling in my chest hasn't left. I thought that if I forgot about you for a little while, it would get better. But as I lay still in my bed at night, I feel like I am being crushed. I can't breath, I can't sleep, and I can't stop crying.

You know what you've done to me. And I know you are sorry. I know you didn't want to hurt me and I know you still care for me. That is why it makes it so hard to not be with you.

Everybody says you are an asshole until I explain the situation. Every time without fail I get the "ohhh" face and the pouty look that says, you found a nice guy, and you let him get away.

I feel like I did something to push you away, when in fact, I have been pushing you away for the past 2 years. The past couple months I have realized that if I lost you, it would be the worst thing to happen to me. I started to pay attention to you, to try to show you I care. But it was thrown back into my face. You let yourself go, right when I was in too deep.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel. My stomach turns when I think of you. I just wish you would show up and say that you made a mistake. Then give me a hug and pick me up and tell me I'm the one. I dream about that moment. This is unhealthy.

I just wish, for once, that my dreams would come true.

As the big fat tears come streaming down my face, I can't help but place a meaning on each one. One tear for the first time we held hands, one tear for the giant bear hug I got every time I saw you, one tear for the last time we kissed. I'm overwhelmed by emotions, not because of what you said, but because of my past. Here I am, alone again.

Having invested everything into you, my willingness to change my life for you, to be destroyed with 4 little simple words. 4 words I hear every day, but put together create a life altering experience. I-still-love-her. 4 simple simple words that change my being.

I let myself get in too deep again. I jumped in with two feet to only find myself drowning in my own tears- again. I didn't learn the first time. I should have learned.
I shouldn't have let you be that person for me. I am strong, and independent. Why am I crumbling and depending on you?

I don't want to move on. I want to find me amongst the ashes of my life.
I just want to stand still.

Just like word vomit, it comes spewing out of my mouth.
"I miss you, I love you."
Except you aren't around to hear it.
I told you years ago not to fall in love with me. I was building up a wall around me, to protect me from getting hurt again.
Sometimes I feel that as soon as a put a brick in place, you take it away. I am left in a perpetual state of the unknown.
Sometimes I feel that you help me put the brick up, unsure of yourself.

Just pick a side! Make a decision so I can!
I want to leave it up to you, just incase I'm wrong.
You like to feel like the man. Dominating in every aspect of the word.
Is this for real? Or still a silly highschool game?
Give me direction!

There are so many thoughts and emotions going through my head that it would be impossible for me to get them all out. So I am bringing back the bulleted blog.

• Sometimes people aren't who you expected them to be. Sometimes they can be better!
• I got lost for a little bit. But I'm back on track, and very thankful for that.
• Hitting another girl was the most satisfying thing I have done in a very long time.
• Music is my passion.
• I will do anything for my parents acceptance and love. I constantly feel like I need to out-do myself.
• You have NO idea how inconvienent it is to have a broken/jammed finger. It governs your entire day.
• You surprised me with your answer. What I thought was a healing session turned into a personal attack. I admitted my mistakes, and you threw it in my face. I just needed you to say that it was okay.
• It is possible to love somebody for years, and not even know it.
• I finally have a reason to smile.
• Sex and the City covers every topic! I can completly relate to every episode.
• I see you in my dreams, you speak to me, you comfort me, and I have no idea who you are.
• My ex boyfriend just got engaged to the girl he cheated on me with. If that isn't a reality check, I don't know what is!
• It's impossible to know where you are going if you don't know where you've been.
• My Dad will always be my hero.
• 'What-ifs' ruin lives
• You frusterate me so much. You tell me you want me, you feed me lines about how you wouldn't talk to me if you weren't interested, but I haven't seen you in over a month... and we live down the street from eachother.
• That smile makes me turn to Jello every time.
• I'm reconnecting with old friends, and I am the happiest I have been in years.
• Football is probably the best sport in the entire world.
• I really shouldn't talk to you. You are happy, in a relationship and she's expecting your child. I don't like being the woman you think about. We're just friends, but I know you want more.
• If I close my eyes, I can still feel your hand in mine.
• I got my nipple pierced, and I am so happy with how it looks. And the shock on people's faces when they find out makes my night.
• I've become a small WLUSU celebrity.
• Hearing my brother say that I have great friends, validates to me that I actually do.
• I can't make a decision about this summer. My heart and my Brain are pulling me in opposite directions.
• I will ALWAYS find something to procrastinate, even sleeping.
• I may have figured out what I want to do with my life. And I may have found out how I'm going to get started.
• You make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
• I signed a lease tonight with my new roommates. I'm excited, but it's not going to be the same.
• You made my night.. and you probably don't even know it.
• I've given up on you. You are just one person who I'll never figure out.
• Two of my cousins are getting married and two of my friends are getting married in the next year.. and I'm struggling to find a date to go to these weddings.
• I have never wanted to be with you more than I do right now.

I don't know where to start.
I've fallen into a deep hole and I don't know how to get out. Nobody has notice that I've been slipping, and most importantly, nobody seems to care.
Emotions are hard to rationalize, because emotions are not always rational.
School has started up again, and when I look up at my calendar I see a jumbled mess of blue, green, red and black writing signifying my many commitments. I feel tied down. I feel like I am being held here against my own will. I need to get out. I feel trapped in my room. I only leave when I need to. My roommates have been turning their backs on me and shutting doors in my face. It's hard to feel welcome in such a cold place. They have no idea about my thoughts or emotions. But it's not their fault. They are so absorbed in their own life and making decisions about their future. It's okay. I put on a good front.
I guess I feel like I'm going to be left behind. Maybe I'm looking too deep into some actions. My biggest fear is that they are going to leave and never look back. That as soon as this semester is over, I'm going to lose great friends because of the future. Damn future.

I want to go home, but when I'm home, I don't want to be there. It's a double edged sword. It's the only place I feel welcome, but the only place I can't be myself. I don't think I have a reason to cry. I'm privileged. I don't pay for my education, I don't pay for rent. I have an opportunity to do something great with my life; an opportunity people are killing for. But what is my goal? To tell you the truth, I don't have one. Some people look at my life and don't understand why I feel the way I do. My parents are amazing, they are so accommodating and our house is full of love. They would go to the end of the earth and back for me- as long as it doesn’t interfere with my brothers. It's hard to explain. I'm the oldest of 3. They have always put more pressure on me to be the best, be a good example for the boys and be independent. As soon as I left home, that was it. They started cutting ties, and I'm just not ready yet. I need to slow down.

The future is coming so fast. Everything I have been dreaming about and working towards is suddenly at my feet. I might make a wrong decision. What if I do? What happens then?

It's unnerving to see some people taking the right steps forward. People are making plans for the future together. A future life, marriage, babies, the whole nine yards. Why did these people find each other, while some of us are still swimming in the dating pool? Why has there been nobody who I could have a life with yet? How do you know if you've met the right person? How do you know if you've met the wrong person? How do you know anything? What if I never find my fish?

My life is like a puzzle. All of the pieces fit together so nicely, but it will never look complete unless everything is in its rightful place. I can bang and move pieces around to try to make them fit, but it just won't work if that piece belongs to another puzzle. I just need to find all the pieces.

After days like today, I wonder why I ever have felt alone. It's not something that happened, or something that will happen, it's just a general feeling of acceptance like somebody else out there cares about me.

• Today I woke up, got out of my brothers huge comfey bed, walked around my house naked and got dressed at my leasure. I got in my Jeep and drove to the spa and handed them a gift certificate for a Hour and a half Hot stone massage. I had a woman rub my entire body with oil and hot stones and listened to soothing music the entire time. I got back into my Jeep, and drove to Brittany's house. I scooped up Brooklyn and held her in my arms and rocked her to sleep while Brittany cleaned. Brooklyn and I had a conversation, though I'm not sure what it was about. I gave her a bottle and she fell asleep in my arms. I put her in her chair and went home to shower. Brittany came over without the baby and we made dinner then sat in the hot tub for an hour and talked like we used to. We talked about last summer and all of the shit we got into. We also talked about our futures. These are the things I miss the most sometimes.
• Last night I introduced my parents to my neice. We played on the floor, and I even changed a diaper! I layed down on the couch with Brooklyn in my arms and we fell asleep for a little bit. She was curled up in my chest with her head on my shoulder. It was a moment I will never forget.

I now understand why children make such a lasting impression on somebody, and why people go out of their way to have babies. I'm here in this big old house, all alone, and all I want is to be curled up with that angel.

It's days like today that make me wonder what my future is going to be like. I'm excited to start my future, one step at a time.