I stayed late at work yesterday. I just couldn't bring myself to go home. I cried the entire way to work on the subway and not one person asked me if I was OK or offered me a tissue. I didn't want to face that cold world again feeling the way I was.

Around 7 I gathered up my things and left, hoping that I missed the rush and I could get home unnoticed. There was a man just a couple years older than me at the entrance to the subway station - he had a sign that read "Need bus fare to go home. I'm sorry. There is no other way."

His face looked like how I felt. I instantly connected with him and my heart went out to him. I didn't have any cash on me, but then I remembered that I had $5 in my purse that I had taken out on Saturday for Tom. I put it in his cup and the look he gave me broke my heart. He was crying. He was clearly embarrassed that he was begging. He looked me in the eye and said, thank-you, I'm trying to get home to see my daughter. I really appreciate it.

I sat down next to him and asked him where he was going and he told me his life story. The bus station was just around the corner so I told him to come with me. I walked with him to the bus station and bought him a ticket to Ottawa.

I used my grocery money to buy that ticket - but he needed it more than I did.

I fully believe in Karma. What goes around, comes around. And as selfish as this sounds, it made me feel better as a person to be able to change somebody's life like that. So maybe, one day, when I just need somebody to sit down and talk to me and help me get where I need to go, somebody will be there.

The little butterflies are there again. Very small, but still a nice reminder that not all hope is lost. The text messages in the morning are a wonderful reminder that I am still attractive. I'm smiling again, through my pain.

If he could find somebody to talk to on POF, so can I, and I have.

So far only one has given me small butterflies, but I'm positive that is going to change.

The power of positive thinking changes everything.

To be single, or not to be single, that is the question.

I love being in a relationship. The idea that there is one person who will be there for me and I can tell everything to is delightful. Somebody I can share my stress with, and my hopes and fears and goals. Somebody whose been with me the whole way and knows how big each milestone is. There is such intimacy that comes with knowledge of another person's life.

On the flip side, a bad relationship seems to suck the life out of you. A relationship when you can't trust what the other person is saying. How great can those life milestones be if you aren't sure that the other person even cares? How can you share your hopes, feelings or goals when you aren't certain that person will keep that knowledge a secret? What is the point?

How can it survive when one person is so selfish, they'd rather talk to 16 other women out of boredom when they realize that it will hurt you? But they'll do it anyways because everything is about them, you just fit in when they have nothing else to do. It's all for show.

Yes, he has this great girlfriend who cooks dinner for all of his friends. Always takes an interest in his friends lives and is nothing but pleasant to them? On the outside, everything is perfect. But the minute this great girlfriend leaves, the computer calls him. Maybe he likes the anonymity. Maybe he likes that he can be anybody he wants to be, an employed, Laurier football player who is responsible enough to buy a house and take care of his own dog. Maybe he likes the reaction he gets from these women. Maybe it's a ego boost. Maybe he doesn't see that there is a woman who liked him for who he was. He always has to be somebody he's not.

Obviously he sees that he's not living up to his potential, and in order to feed that need to be accepted, he's creating an alter ego. The problem is, his alter ego is not who he is. And his alter ego is going to lose the woman he loves, the woman who accepts him for who he is.

If he's so unhappy with his life that he needs to create an alternate life online, then he can't possibly be happy with me. So maybe it would be in every body's best interest for him to go on with his alternate universe and receive the praise he obviously feels that he deserves. And for me to continue living on in the present and concentrate on my career, losing weight and being happy. Just me, all alone. Just me. And Lexie, of course.

It feels great to be in control. In control of my career, in control of my emotions, in control of my finances. I feel like many many weights have been lifted off of my shoulders.

TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43 now at $14,278.43
Mastercard - $10,056.06 now at $9,258.14
OSAP - $6,378.08

And I'm sitting with over $500 in the bank. I still have some bills to pay, but there are groceries in the kitchen and a roof over my head.

And I had a wonderful weekend. Even though I was not feeling that great, I still feel happy from the inside out.

Happy 200th post to me!

Well Momma comes through again. With a generous donation to the poor Kelly fund, my Mom has brought my Mastercard debt down to $9,908.14!

Stay tuned on Friday when I finally get paid and will be able to pay this debt off even more.

Anticipated income this month:
Pay Cheque: 1,064.66 times 2 = $2129.32
Reimbursements for benefits: $97 + $40 + $87 = $224
Income Tax Refund: $1339.28
May rent from Jenna: $500
Tom Repayment: $100

Which all equals... drum roll please....
$4292.60

Minus out rent for May ($950) =$3342.60
Minus out MetroPass ($110) = $3232.60
Minus out food budget ($250) = $2982.60
Minus out entertainment (cause I'd like to treat my hunny to a movie/dinner. $100) = $2882.60
Minus out gas for my car ($60) = $2822.60

So all in all, I will have around $2822.60 to go towards my debt repayment this month, which is pretty sweet! I defiantly need to take advantage of this increase this month, however, with the extra money I am receiving I will be spending more on food to stock up my shelves/freezer while I have the cash so if I have another slim month, I'll at least be able to eat.

Since I've been writing all of this down, I'm feeling really good about it. Even though my debt is over $30,000, I can see an ending in sight. It is shocking me to see that even an extra $11 a month can cut off one full year of payments.

Plus, I'm lined up to get a raise this month which will be back dated to April 1. So even though it will only be a little amount I'll be getting at once, I'm going to use that money to treat myself to something nice.

There was one set back this month. I now owe my Mom money as well. $700 for the cottage for a week and York University has come after us for unpaid parking tickets. Even though its been over a year since I went there. Anyways, it is over $1000 so once I get that final sum, I can add it to my debt. yay....

I'm going to turn this into a game. Lets see if I can 'beat the bank' and pay down my loans faster than they said I could. Lets see if I can save myself hundreds in interest.

Here's how I'm going to do it.

Tax refund - $1339.28
$1000 is going onto my credit card. If I continue to pay my monthly payments of $200 after that, it will take me around 4.5 years to pay off my debt. That is taking 3.5 years off of my debt repayment.
$339.28 is going on my TD line of Credit. This brings my total down to $14089.15. If I continue to pay $150 a month after that, it will take me just under 8 years to pay off. Not as spectacular but it does knock a couple months off.

OSAP- Current monthly payment - $88.15
If I pay $11.85 more a month, I take my loan repayment down from 86 months (7.16 years) to 74 months (6.16 years) and save myself $163.44 in interest.

So all in all, this plan is going to take roughly 4.1 years off of my total repayment which sounds pretty sweet to me.

Next step... get a raise/better paying job/second job and throw that money on my credit card to get it down to a more reasonable level.

I need a change. I feel trapped. I need to feel free again.

TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43
Current payment -$150 a month
Interest rate - 3.25% (roughly $44.03 a month)
Started at $15,000. $571.57 paid down since November
Will take around 8 years to pay off with current payments.

Mastercard - $10,056.06
Current payment - Whatever I can spare. Usually around $200 a month
Interest rate - 19% (Roughly $172.94 a month)
Will take around 8 years to pay off with current payments

OSAP - $6,378.08
Current payment - $88.15 a month
Interest rate - $4.75% ($25.73 a month)
Started at $6683.88. $305.80 paid down since November
Will take around 6 years to pay off with current payments

This means I'm paying $438.15 a month in debt repayment. With $242.70 a month in interest payments. I'm paying only $195.45 a month directly to my debt, the rest is interest payments. How can I get ahead with that?
I need to pay these down in order to feel in control. This means I need to up my payments. The more I pay down, the less my interest payments will be.

How can I do this? I'm living dollar to dollar now. Soon I'll be without a car and will have to pay for transportation. How can I do this?

I need a change. And fast.