I want to do something amazing. Watching the Olympics has ignited something inside me and I want to make a difference. I'm going to walk in the Weekend to End Woman's Cancers. I came across an article today that outlines some events that are going on around this event and one of them included a key note speech from my doctor, Dr. Bernardini. He will be talking about the recent breakthroughs in Gynecology and how the money raised by previous year's Walks have led to the breakthroughs and updated equipment at the Princess Margaret.
I never thought about it that way. All this time I've been supporting Brittany's team because I felt like it was the right thing to do. All this time, I've just been supporting something that would eventually support me. How amazing is that?
I'm going to get together a team to Walk this year. I'm walking for myself, and for all my friends because it is inevitable that at one point in our lives, at least half of my friends will have to deal with what I have been. And maybe one day, when I have a daughter, because of my efforts now, she will never have to go through what I have.
This is a 60 km walk over two days throughout the city of Toronto. I've watched the walkers, taken pictures of the walkers and now I want to be one of the walkers.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sunday, February 07, 2010
What do you do when the one you were ment to be with doesn't want you anymore? Do you just give up and take it? Try and convince them of what they are missing? Fight back?
I thought I knew the rules of love but I'm so confused. I just want to drive there and cuddle up with him because he is the only person who can make me feel better. But he's the only person making me feel worse. This is so fucked up. I just want him to call and say, psych! I didn't mean any of it. You're the girl for me. But I know that will never come. There is way too much dammage and he's not willing to fix it. He's left me alone to try and pick up the pieces that he broke. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this.
I thought I knew the rules of love but I'm so confused. I just want to drive there and cuddle up with him because he is the only person who can make me feel better. But he's the only person making me feel worse. This is so fucked up. I just want him to call and say, psych! I didn't mean any of it. You're the girl for me. But I know that will never come. There is way too much dammage and he's not willing to fix it. He's left me alone to try and pick up the pieces that he broke. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this.
Friday, February 05, 2010
Its so unfair.
You brushed your fingers up and down my back and shivers ran all over my body. You laughed at me because my skin would turn into goosebumps.
You grunt at me when you want me to roll over so that your arms could fit perfectly around me. If I have my hair up, then I can feel your breath on my neck. That in itself would put me to sleep.
You always put your hand in the dip in my back when I walk through a door. It makes me feel safe.
The laughing in the shower. The kiss in public. Hugging me from behind. Telling me you'll always be here for me when I need you. Knowing all of my deepest and darkest secrets. Walking hand in hand through the farmers market. Making dinner for each other. Knowing that I have somebody who cares about me and what I do. My own personal cheerleader. Cuddling on the couch. The butterflies in my stomach when I get off the highway on my way to see you. The many movie dates (in bed and in public). The vacation that never will be. The nights in the hotels. Hangover days on the couch. It's just life... made better.
Oh god I feel so alone.
Sometimes I think that if we could live our entire lives in bed together then we'd never fight. When it was just us, it was perfect. If only I could erase the rest of the world for a little while. Then I could smile every day.
Many things keep running through my head. Is it me? Am I just unlovable? Somewhere along the line did I give the impression that it's okay to cheat on me? Every guy seems to think that acceptable behaviour. Maybe I can blame it on the media. But it's not okay to hurt the person you love. Whats the point? Relationships take time, effort and money.... why throw away your time, efforts and money on somebody you are just going to hurt?
What is the point? I don't understand. But maybe it's just me.
I hear all these stories about good guys who treat their girls right. Why can't every guy be honourable like that? Since when did it become okay to break somebody's heart for your own benefit?
So here's my question... should I just sit down and shut up and take it? Should I start cheating a lying? People keep doing it so it must be fun. You never do something when the negatives out weight the positives. And I know what the negatives are. So that must be some REALLY hot sex. Maybe I should try it to see what all the fuss is about.
Sometimes I am so strong. I can go days without crying. But as soon as I heard your voice this morning it was like a dam broke inside me. I realized how much I actually miss you. But I'd never tell you that to your face. I know you read this, so here is my heart...
I thought I had been in love before, but you showed me what real love is. I'd never felt that way before. I was proud of you when I thought you were doing well. I'd brag about you. I honestly thought I found one of the good ones. I couldn't go a day without talking to you. I used to cry like a baby when we left each other because I missed you already. I hated it when you left me. I thought I would be with you forever. I thought we were one of the lucky ones who found their lobster at such a young age and had the opportunity to go through some amazing life experiences together instead of trying to explain them to somebody later in life.
I was so sure of it. And maybe that's why I feel lost right now. I don't know me without you. Your life was my life and my life was your life.
I just so want you to be the man you made me think you were. I don't really think that is too much to ask. That's who you presented to me. You had no reason to lie to me about what your personality was. But I guess the reality is, is that you were just playing more of your head games with me. And then you accidentally fell in love with me. And that's when it got complicated.
Well, I'm alone now. And I guess I have to get used to this feeling. Maybe I can rely on my friends a little bit more or spend some more time reading to try and fill the void. All I know is that my life is never going to be the same. And I'm not entirely sure I like that.
I miss you. And as hard as I try, I can't stop missing you.
You brushed your fingers up and down my back and shivers ran all over my body. You laughed at me because my skin would turn into goosebumps.
You grunt at me when you want me to roll over so that your arms could fit perfectly around me. If I have my hair up, then I can feel your breath on my neck. That in itself would put me to sleep.
You always put your hand in the dip in my back when I walk through a door. It makes me feel safe.
The laughing in the shower. The kiss in public. Hugging me from behind. Telling me you'll always be here for me when I need you. Knowing all of my deepest and darkest secrets. Walking hand in hand through the farmers market. Making dinner for each other. Knowing that I have somebody who cares about me and what I do. My own personal cheerleader. Cuddling on the couch. The butterflies in my stomach when I get off the highway on my way to see you. The many movie dates (in bed and in public). The vacation that never will be. The nights in the hotels. Hangover days on the couch. It's just life... made better.
Oh god I feel so alone.
Sometimes I think that if we could live our entire lives in bed together then we'd never fight. When it was just us, it was perfect. If only I could erase the rest of the world for a little while. Then I could smile every day.
Many things keep running through my head. Is it me? Am I just unlovable? Somewhere along the line did I give the impression that it's okay to cheat on me? Every guy seems to think that acceptable behaviour. Maybe I can blame it on the media. But it's not okay to hurt the person you love. Whats the point? Relationships take time, effort and money.... why throw away your time, efforts and money on somebody you are just going to hurt?
What is the point? I don't understand. But maybe it's just me.
I hear all these stories about good guys who treat their girls right. Why can't every guy be honourable like that? Since when did it become okay to break somebody's heart for your own benefit?
So here's my question... should I just sit down and shut up and take it? Should I start cheating a lying? People keep doing it so it must be fun. You never do something when the negatives out weight the positives. And I know what the negatives are. So that must be some REALLY hot sex. Maybe I should try it to see what all the fuss is about.
Sometimes I am so strong. I can go days without crying. But as soon as I heard your voice this morning it was like a dam broke inside me. I realized how much I actually miss you. But I'd never tell you that to your face. I know you read this, so here is my heart...
I thought I had been in love before, but you showed me what real love is. I'd never felt that way before. I was proud of you when I thought you were doing well. I'd brag about you. I honestly thought I found one of the good ones. I couldn't go a day without talking to you. I used to cry like a baby when we left each other because I missed you already. I hated it when you left me. I thought I would be with you forever. I thought we were one of the lucky ones who found their lobster at such a young age and had the opportunity to go through some amazing life experiences together instead of trying to explain them to somebody later in life.
I was so sure of it. And maybe that's why I feel lost right now. I don't know me without you. Your life was my life and my life was your life.
I just so want you to be the man you made me think you were. I don't really think that is too much to ask. That's who you presented to me. You had no reason to lie to me about what your personality was. But I guess the reality is, is that you were just playing more of your head games with me. And then you accidentally fell in love with me. And that's when it got complicated.
Well, I'm alone now. And I guess I have to get used to this feeling. Maybe I can rely on my friends a little bit more or spend some more time reading to try and fill the void. All I know is that my life is never going to be the same. And I'm not entirely sure I like that.
I miss you. And as hard as I try, I can't stop missing you.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Well...
I have no regrets.
I promise to myself to only allow positive people in my life. If you're negative, that's your prerogative, but you can take your negativity and dump it on somebody else. If you want to lie, cheat and steal, go for it. But don't bring that around me. I'm not interested.
I'm excited about the future. I want to date, see the city and meet new people. I want to know where I live. I want somebody to chase after me. I want to be surprised and I want to find love again.
What an amazing feeling love is. I just can't wait to feel that way again.
I wonder if it's like the movies when you meet somebody and you just know that you are meant to be with that person.
Either way, I'm 24, single, and living in one of the largest cities in Canada. There has to be somebody out there that has good morals, values and knows how to treat a woman right.
Maybe next time I'll insist on talking to his ex's to find out the real reason they broke up in the first place. That might help figuring out who this guy is before I waste my time.
I have no regrets.
I promise to myself to only allow positive people in my life. If you're negative, that's your prerogative, but you can take your negativity and dump it on somebody else. If you want to lie, cheat and steal, go for it. But don't bring that around me. I'm not interested.
I'm excited about the future. I want to date, see the city and meet new people. I want to know where I live. I want somebody to chase after me. I want to be surprised and I want to find love again.
What an amazing feeling love is. I just can't wait to feel that way again.
I wonder if it's like the movies when you meet somebody and you just know that you are meant to be with that person.
Either way, I'm 24, single, and living in one of the largest cities in Canada. There has to be somebody out there that has good morals, values and knows how to treat a woman right.
Maybe next time I'll insist on talking to his ex's to find out the real reason they broke up in the first place. That might help figuring out who this guy is before I waste my time.
Monday, February 01, 2010
Miss the way I used to write. I would throw all my emotions into my writing and after every blog post I was always left in tears. Utterly drained of all emotions. It is so difficult for me to unlock these emotions now and I desperately see how important that output was for me. Now they are bundled up inside me, screaming to get out. I just can't find the key to unlock them.
I'm not myself. I'm confused. I love a man, and he claims to love me. Yet he shows me no respect. He is two different people. The happy man when he is with me. A man who makes me feel like I've never felt before. And he is a man who is torn up inside. I don't know what happened to him to make him throw up those walls. Its been almost 3 years and he's never let me in. Always lied so I wouldn't know who he really is. Did some woman break his heart? Was it all the moving and trying to make new friends? Maybe he doesn't even know who he is. I just wish he would give me a chance to get to know the real him.
Everybody should know themselves. And everybody should have one other person in this world who knows them. Good and bad.
I'm not myself. I'm confused. I love a man, and he claims to love me. Yet he shows me no respect. He is two different people. The happy man when he is with me. A man who makes me feel like I've never felt before. And he is a man who is torn up inside. I don't know what happened to him to make him throw up those walls. Its been almost 3 years and he's never let me in. Always lied so I wouldn't know who he really is. Did some woman break his heart? Was it all the moving and trying to make new friends? Maybe he doesn't even know who he is. I just wish he would give me a chance to get to know the real him.
Everybody should know themselves. And everybody should have one other person in this world who knows them. Good and bad.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
2010 is the beginning of something amazing. I'm starting this century independent, confident and happy. In light of that, I've decided to update my bucket list. So, here goes.
- Learn to shoot a gun
- Skydive
- Bungee jump somewhere exotic over a river
- Visit Egypt and the pyramids
- Have a radio show
- Go on an African Safari
- Live in a different country for a couple months
- Backpack through Grease, Italy and Amsterdam
- Stay in a 5 Star resort in Jamaica
- Own a BMW
- Buy a Louis Vutton bag for myself
- Get my Masters
- Visit the 7 Wonders of the World - All of them! (See Below)
- Buy a house
- Live by myself
- Pay off my Student Debt
- Go dog sledding
- Learn how to professionally arrange flowers
- Cut up my Credit cards and live off cash for 1 year
- Own a dog
- Run a marathon
- Write a book
- Fall in love
- Get published in a magazine
- Own a Business. McDonalds, Tim Hortons...
- Retire by the age of 60
- Design and build my "dream" kitchen
- Drive a Formula 1 Car
- Learn how to Salsa Dance
- Learn a new language
- Live with the Amish and see what all the fuss is about
- Go horseback riding on a beach
- Be a mentor to somebody
- Fly in a hot air balloon
- Go Whale watching
- Plant a tree in my yard and enjoy it grow
- Become a Key Note Speaker
- Throw a huge party
- Learn the differences between wine
- Drive across a country.. any country!
- Fly a Kite
- Go snorkeling
- Fly first class
- Visit a volcano
- Go on a romantic get-away
- Swim with Dolphins
- Volunteer to build houses in a different country
- Learn how to make 1 gourmet meal
- Take a class on painting
- Visit Disney World and see all my favourite characters
- Have a baby
- Do something that scares me
- Get rid of my car and only take public transit for 6 months
- Be a bridesmaid
- Take up photography
- Live on a farm
- Take a celebrity out for dinner
7 Wonders of the Ancient World:
- Great Pyramid of Giza (the only one that still exists). Egypt
Wonders of the Medieval World:
-Stonehenge. Wiltshire, England
-Colosseum. Rome, Italy
-Catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa. Alexandria, Egypt
-Great Wall of China. China
-Porcelain Tower of Nanjing. China
-Hagia Sophia. Istanbul, Turkey
-Leaning Tower of Pisa. Italy
-Taj Mahal. India
-Cairo Citadel. Egypt
-Ely Cathedral. Cambridgeshire, England
-Cluny Abbey. France
Wonders of the Modern World:
- Channel Tunnel. Strait of Dover between the United Kingdom and France
-CN Tower. Toronto, Ontario
-Empire State Building. New York, NY
-Golden Gate Bridge. Sanfrancisco, California
-Itaipu Dam. Between Brazil and Paraguay
-Delta Works/Zuiderzee Works. Netherlands
-Panama Canal. Isthmus of Panama
The New 7 Wonders of the World (as of 2006)
- Great Wall of China. China
-Petra. Jordan
-Christ the Redeemer. Brazil
-Machu Picchu. Peru
-Chichen Itza. Mexico
-Roman Colosseum. Italy
-Taj Mahal. India
-Great Pyramid. Egypt
7 Wonders of the Natural World:
-Grand Canyon. Arizona, USA
-Great Barrier Reef. Australia
-Harbour of Rio de Janeiro
-Mount Everest. Asia
-Aurora
-Paricutin Volcano. Mexico
-Victoria Falls. Africa
Sunday, January 03, 2010
What is True Love?
I remember that day. The sun was high in the sky and the air was warm. We drove with the window cracked a bit so that my hair didn't get messed up. I saw you come out in her arms and my heart instantly ached. I knew you were the one for me.
We drove back home with you in my lap. You fell asleep. I felt like I needed to protect you at all times. You were so small and I was all you had. This, I thought, was true love.
I was so scared when you went screaming under the car at the cottage. I was shaking and calling your name. I was crying for no apparent reason. I was the only one you would come to and now I realize that you felt the same way I do. You were my one and I am your one. You came to me then, like you did to me today. That same look and slow crawl. Even though you were in pain, you still wanted to be close to me. And I love you for that.
True love is the need to protect somebody. And True Love is needing to have the other take care of you. To have that thing on your mind all the time, just in the back, but always there. To be happy just to sit in the same room. True love is a commitment to the other.
I remember that day. The sun was high in the sky and the air was warm. We drove with the window cracked a bit so that my hair didn't get messed up. I saw you come out in her arms and my heart instantly ached. I knew you were the one for me.
We drove back home with you in my lap. You fell asleep. I felt like I needed to protect you at all times. You were so small and I was all you had. This, I thought, was true love.
I was so scared when you went screaming under the car at the cottage. I was shaking and calling your name. I was crying for no apparent reason. I was the only one you would come to and now I realize that you felt the same way I do. You were my one and I am your one. You came to me then, like you did to me today. That same look and slow crawl. Even though you were in pain, you still wanted to be close to me. And I love you for that.
True love is the need to protect somebody. And True Love is needing to have the other take care of you. To have that thing on your mind all the time, just in the back, but always there. To be happy just to sit in the same room. True love is a commitment to the other.
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