I miss you.
I miss the way you smell.
I miss our talks.
I miss laughing about everything and nothing at the same time.
I miss the way you made me feel special.
I miss being excited on Mondays because it was only 4 days before I got to see you again.
I miss waking up and having a day planned with you.
I miss your parents.
I miss knowing that I had a movie buddie no matter what.
I miss getting off the 401 and knowing that there was 12 minutes left before I drove up to your building.
I miss getting so annoyed with the traffic because they weren't moving fast enough.
I miss knowing that I had plans on holidays no matter what. May 2-4 is coming up and I'm so anxious.
I miss being a part of something bigger than just myself.
I'm more alone than ever. I'm emotionally fucked. I feel like I'm on a rollercoster every day. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad. Sometimes I just don't care. I want to care....
I don't miss questioning everything.
Wondering if something better was going to steal your attention away.
Competing with your friends, video games or weed.
I'm waiting.. I'm ready. Come get me.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
I've spent the large majority of tonight reading my old blog posts and reliving my past experiences. I realized that if I didn't know me, I would think that my life is pretty horrible based solely on those posts. I write when I'm upset, angry or confused. I don't write when I'm happy.
If you look down through the posts you will notice a huge break in time when I did not post at all. I was happy. I was so happy I had nothing to complain about.
___________________________________________
I am in the midst of a major life overhaul. I am terrified. I'm sitting here shaking just thinking about it. I start my new job tomorrow. This isn't just any job. This job I have been working towards for 5 years. This is a career. Well, a shot at a career anyways. What might my day hold for me tomorrow? Will I make it through?
I bought my first car. My name on the lease, my name on the insurance. It's all mine. I always thought I would feel something different when I buy my first car... but I don't. I'm not really excited about it. I'm just blah. I guess I'm excited that I don't have to walk everywhere!
I broke up with the love of my life. I'm devistated. I cry everynight.
It's for the best.... I guess if I keep saying that then it will become true. I just can't deal anymore. It's tearing me up inside and I'm so conflicted but I hate the fighting and I hate the distance. I'm so ready to have somebody to come home to. To have somebody there every time I need them.
It's weird when you find somebody that you are so perfect with. But you know that if you were 2 or 3 years older, things would be so much better. I have no doubt that everything would be close to perfect if I only met you 2 years from now. Timing is everything.
Fingers crossed that it all works out!
If you look down through the posts you will notice a huge break in time when I did not post at all. I was happy. I was so happy I had nothing to complain about.
___________________________________________
I am in the midst of a major life overhaul. I am terrified. I'm sitting here shaking just thinking about it. I start my new job tomorrow. This isn't just any job. This job I have been working towards for 5 years. This is a career. Well, a shot at a career anyways. What might my day hold for me tomorrow? Will I make it through?
I bought my first car. My name on the lease, my name on the insurance. It's all mine. I always thought I would feel something different when I buy my first car... but I don't. I'm not really excited about it. I'm just blah. I guess I'm excited that I don't have to walk everywhere!
I broke up with the love of my life. I'm devistated. I cry everynight.
It's for the best.... I guess if I keep saying that then it will become true. I just can't deal anymore. It's tearing me up inside and I'm so conflicted but I hate the fighting and I hate the distance. I'm so ready to have somebody to come home to. To have somebody there every time I need them.
It's weird when you find somebody that you are so perfect with. But you know that if you were 2 or 3 years older, things would be so much better. I have no doubt that everything would be close to perfect if I only met you 2 years from now. Timing is everything.
Fingers crossed that it all works out!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Everything Reminds me of you.
I have created so many memories than I can't tell where you stop and where I start again. This constant tug of war needs to stop. So I'm saying good-bye.
Good bye to the many nights and mornings we layed in bed together talking about the day and the future.
Good bye to the many dinners out with our families and our dinner dates alone.
Good bye to waking up with a missed message from the night before.
Good bye to ending a conversation with 'I love you'.
Good bye to the Valenties days that didn't mean anything.
Good bye to Christmases we had
Good bye to Cananda Day on the roof, to brithdays at the bar and to anniversary's
Good bye to Wedding dates and drives up and down the 401.
Good bye to walks with our dogs and afternoons at the dog park.
Good bye to nights in the hot tub and in the hotel.
Good bye to the many tears that controlled my life.
Good bye to our movie dates.
Good bye to everything that was good in our relationship.
I have created so many memories than I can't tell where you stop and where I start again. This constant tug of war needs to stop. So I'm saying good-bye.
Good bye to the many nights and mornings we layed in bed together talking about the day and the future.
Good bye to the many dinners out with our families and our dinner dates alone.
Good bye to waking up with a missed message from the night before.
Good bye to ending a conversation with 'I love you'.
Good bye to the Valenties days that didn't mean anything.
Good bye to Christmases we had
Good bye to Cananda Day on the roof, to brithdays at the bar and to anniversary's
Good bye to Wedding dates and drives up and down the 401.
Good bye to walks with our dogs and afternoons at the dog park.
Good bye to nights in the hot tub and in the hotel.
Good bye to the many tears that controlled my life.
Good bye to our movie dates.
Good bye to everything that was good in our relationship.
The Worst Kind of Man
The worst kind of man promises you the moon and the stars. He is senstive and caring. He brushes the hair off your face, he wipes the tears when you cry.
He has secrets that will hurt you. He reveals them little bits at a time. He makes it seem that he's got everything out and that you have no other surprises ahead of you. HE LIES. You get T-boned out of no where.
He is selfish. He cares only about his own happiness, and although he has said many times how much he cares about you, he lies. He is only concerned about what he needs to do to keep you happy and to get the attention of many different women. It's a slippery slope and I hope he falls off and kills himself.
He preaches "Treat others the way they treat you" and since you treat him like a God, you feel like you have nothing to worry about. WRONG!! He lies. You may be understanding, compassionate or trustworthy. He is deceitful, sneaky and a bad person.
He cheats on you. He spends weekends alone with other women. He calls you when she is in the next room. He texts you when she is right beside him. He visits you and then goes and picks her up. He has no regard for your feelings. He is the worst kind of man.
You can beat me, but the cuts and bruises will heal. You can tell me I'm a bad person, but I know deep down I am not. But to emotionally abuse somebody for a year, that is the worst kind of man.
I don't hope you learn your lesson. No I hope you fall in love again. I hope you fall in love with the worst kind of Woman. I hope she rips your heart out, just as you have done to me. I wish she shakes the foundation of your life. I wish she makes you question every relationship you've ever had and sets you up for failure in your next relationship. I wish she ruins your soul. I hope that after all of that, you then learn your lesson and are overcome with intense greif.
Fuck you for getting to me.
Fuck you for cheating on me.
Fuck you for making me believe I was important to you.
Fuck you for dragging it on for so long.
FUCK YOU you insensitive prick.
The worst kind of man promises you the moon and the stars. He is senstive and caring. He brushes the hair off your face, he wipes the tears when you cry.
He has secrets that will hurt you. He reveals them little bits at a time. He makes it seem that he's got everything out and that you have no other surprises ahead of you. HE LIES. You get T-boned out of no where.
He is selfish. He cares only about his own happiness, and although he has said many times how much he cares about you, he lies. He is only concerned about what he needs to do to keep you happy and to get the attention of many different women. It's a slippery slope and I hope he falls off and kills himself.
He preaches "Treat others the way they treat you" and since you treat him like a God, you feel like you have nothing to worry about. WRONG!! He lies. You may be understanding, compassionate or trustworthy. He is deceitful, sneaky and a bad person.
He cheats on you. He spends weekends alone with other women. He calls you when she is in the next room. He texts you when she is right beside him. He visits you and then goes and picks her up. He has no regard for your feelings. He is the worst kind of man.
You can beat me, but the cuts and bruises will heal. You can tell me I'm a bad person, but I know deep down I am not. But to emotionally abuse somebody for a year, that is the worst kind of man.
I don't hope you learn your lesson. No I hope you fall in love again. I hope you fall in love with the worst kind of Woman. I hope she rips your heart out, just as you have done to me. I wish she shakes the foundation of your life. I wish she makes you question every relationship you've ever had and sets you up for failure in your next relationship. I wish she ruins your soul. I hope that after all of that, you then learn your lesson and are overcome with intense greif.
Fuck you for getting to me.
Fuck you for cheating on me.
Fuck you for making me believe I was important to you.
Fuck you for dragging it on for so long.
FUCK YOU you insensitive prick.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Life isn't suppose to make sense. I don't understand.
I've been searching and pushing for something that I don't even know I want. I've just been searching to be the best. I gave up this year. I was not happy last year. I decided that I will just let it be and see what happens.. whats the worst thing that could happen?
Well I can tell you that my entire life changed. I completed my university degree, I decided on a program for grad school and applied, I let myself be open to a relationship, and I'm happy.
But on those days when the snow is blowing and I'm sitting here alone, I really think... is this for real? I'm so proud of myself for choosing a path.. but is it the right one? What if I made a mistake? I don't know...
I don't know how to console myself when I get in these moods. Sometimes I wish I could fastforward a couple days-months-years just to see how it's going to end up. I need to know that I'll be okay.
As for him... I don't know what I'm doing. I've never heard so many people tell me that they are proud of me for allowing somebody to come into my life. I didn't realize I was that cynical. I was ruined a long time ago.. and it's taken 4 years for somebody to come and pick up the pieces. I just hope he understands how big this is for me. I'm terrified.
I'm sitting here and I can feel the tears in the back of my eyes. I'm not sure why they are there.. this is all so new and scary. I just hope and pray it works out for the best...
I've been searching and pushing for something that I don't even know I want. I've just been searching to be the best. I gave up this year. I was not happy last year. I decided that I will just let it be and see what happens.. whats the worst thing that could happen?
Well I can tell you that my entire life changed. I completed my university degree, I decided on a program for grad school and applied, I let myself be open to a relationship, and I'm happy.
But on those days when the snow is blowing and I'm sitting here alone, I really think... is this for real? I'm so proud of myself for choosing a path.. but is it the right one? What if I made a mistake? I don't know...
I don't know how to console myself when I get in these moods. Sometimes I wish I could fastforward a couple days-months-years just to see how it's going to end up. I need to know that I'll be okay.
As for him... I don't know what I'm doing. I've never heard so many people tell me that they are proud of me for allowing somebody to come into my life. I didn't realize I was that cynical. I was ruined a long time ago.. and it's taken 4 years for somebody to come and pick up the pieces. I just hope he understands how big this is for me. I'm terrified.
I'm sitting here and I can feel the tears in the back of my eyes. I'm not sure why they are there.. this is all so new and scary. I just hope and pray it works out for the best...
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I've changed.
I'm not afraid to admit it. I look the same, maybe a little bit older. I don't feel the same. I've accepted things about myself that I would have fought a year ago. I don't want to say I've grown up, but I'm well on my way. I'm facing my last semester of University. I've planed for my whole life, except for what happens next. I knew that after elementary school came high school. After high school came university, and I know after I graduate the pressure will be on to do something great- I just don't know what is great yet. I know that after this stage I will want to get married, buy a house, a dog and eventually have children. But it's this stage of in-between that I'm facing and am unsure of how to approach it. My options are endless. I want to travel. I want to get out and "find myself" or just find direction. Should I go teach overseas? Can I really be away from my family and friends for a full year? It breaks my heart to be 2 hours away; I wonder what it will feel like to be a day away. I guess I'll never know unless I try!
Friends have drifted and come closer, as with everything in life. I've slowly discovered who my true friends are, not just friends of convenience. I think the real test is if I actually really care what they are up to now. Some people, I don't really care, other's I'm sitting at the edge of my seat with anticipation.
I've decided that I'm too busy for a relationship. But I've also decided that I'm 100% for equal rights... so if a guy can do it, so can I. Some people may disagree with my actions, but frankly, I don't care. I'm too busy to care. I'm happy, I'm safe and I'm satisfied. And to me, that’s all that matters.
I've pushed myself past my limits, and I'm a better person. I've had heartbreaks and set backs, but I don't regret anything. I'm taking on more responsibility than is necessary, but what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger... I just hope it doesn’t kill me.
I'm not afraid to admit it. I look the same, maybe a little bit older. I don't feel the same. I've accepted things about myself that I would have fought a year ago. I don't want to say I've grown up, but I'm well on my way. I'm facing my last semester of University. I've planed for my whole life, except for what happens next. I knew that after elementary school came high school. After high school came university, and I know after I graduate the pressure will be on to do something great- I just don't know what is great yet. I know that after this stage I will want to get married, buy a house, a dog and eventually have children. But it's this stage of in-between that I'm facing and am unsure of how to approach it. My options are endless. I want to travel. I want to get out and "find myself" or just find direction. Should I go teach overseas? Can I really be away from my family and friends for a full year? It breaks my heart to be 2 hours away; I wonder what it will feel like to be a day away. I guess I'll never know unless I try!
Friends have drifted and come closer, as with everything in life. I've slowly discovered who my true friends are, not just friends of convenience. I think the real test is if I actually really care what they are up to now. Some people, I don't really care, other's I'm sitting at the edge of my seat with anticipation.
I've decided that I'm too busy for a relationship. But I've also decided that I'm 100% for equal rights... so if a guy can do it, so can I. Some people may disagree with my actions, but frankly, I don't care. I'm too busy to care. I'm happy, I'm safe and I'm satisfied. And to me, that’s all that matters.
I've pushed myself past my limits, and I'm a better person. I've had heartbreaks and set backs, but I don't regret anything. I'm taking on more responsibility than is necessary, but what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger... I just hope it doesn’t kill me.
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