I Hate Easter!

For most people, Easter is a joyous time. It's the ending of Lent for some, the celebration of the risen Christ, or for other's it's just another day where chocolate is scattered around the house for you to find. As I've grown up, I've always loved Easter. Even after I was too old to believe in the Easter bunny, I still played along for the sake of my younger brothers. I always dressed up and went to church with my mom, and helped her make a turkey for dinner. Easter has always signified family and chocolate.

3 years ago, my life changed. I was at work in my parent’s office on Easter Monday and my Aunt called. Instead of small talk she immediately asked to speak to my father. I knew something was wrong. I continued to work but kept my eye on the phone to see when my Dad is off the phone. As soon as he hung up, he came into my office and told his secretary to transfer all of his calls to his voicemail because he would be out of the office for a couple days.

He looked visibly upset. At that point, I have never seen my Dad cry, but he was very close to it. He sat down with me and told me that my Bumpa had to take my Nannie to the hospital that morning. He said that when he woke up, Nannie wasn't breathing. He told me that she was still alive on a machine and the doctors were waiting for all her children to arrive in Edmonton before they pulled the plug. He told me that although she was still breathing, she was brain dead and she was already in heaven.

I couldn't believe what he was saying. I had just talked to her the night before! She told me that she was feeling a lot better. I had just got accepted to University the week before and she told me how proud she was of me. Our conversation was short, but I told her I loved her and passed the phone onto my brother. What I found out later was that she had called all of her children and talked to all of her grandchildren that same night to say Happy Easter. It was almost like she knew what was coming, and she was saying her final good-byes.

I was in a daze. Tears were constantly streaming down my face. The pain inside me was more than I could bear. I collapsed in the middle of the office and just sobbed. I felt like my heart was broken. Suddenly I was thrown in the midst of something I had never experienced before. My Mom, brothers and myself flew to Edmonton the day after my Dad. The family was all there already, we were the last to arrive. I was so overwhelmed with everything and how calm everybody was! I couldn't help wondering how everybody could be so calm and upbeat. I felt like I was dieing inside and everybody else was smiling.

My older cousins took me to the mall to get an outfit for the funeral. It was fun to get to know them, but at the same time whenever a sales lady would ask us what the occasion was, I felt my heart breaking again. My cousins really were my rock for those couple days.

The day before the funeral the minister came to my Aunts house to talk with the family. We all sat around in the living room sharing stories about this great woman. What I had never realized was that she had made a nick-name up for all her granddaughters and used it instead of their name. Mine was Squirtcha. Every card I got from her, and every time I talked to her she would call me that. I have no idea where it originated from, but it's something I will cherish forever.

After the funeral my cousins and I went out on the town. "Nannie would have wanted it" we told all of our parents. I was only 18, but luckily for me, the drinking age in Alberta is 18. So we got hammered. Not a little bit drunk, but puking for the next 24 hours drunk. That plane ride back to Ontario the next day was one of the worst things I've ever done.

That Easter, this world lost an Angel. They lost a practical joker, a loving mother and grandmother. Easter has forever been changed for me; it is now a time to remember the greatest woman who ever lived. I pray that one day, I will be half the woman she ever was.

The intense flirtation has been there as long as I've known you; almost 4 years now. We always make plans to go out for coffee or see each other at the bar, and we talk about sex and the tension grows but we've never done anything about it.

We had plans to chill this time, they fell through. I was very disappointed but I figured that it wasn't meant to be, and I'd have to wait another year for a chance. My girls dragged me out to the bar the next night. They said it would be good for me. If they only knew...

Within 10 minutes of arriving, you were walking toward me through the crowd. I got butterflies. For the first time ever, I was nervous with you. Your hands slipped around my waist and our cheeks touched. You apologized for standing me up the night before and told me I looked great. I pulled back and looked into your eyes and smiled. Your buddy caught your attention and you told me you had to go but you would be back. You leaned in toward me and your lips touched my cheek. I knew at that moment that I was going home with you.

As soon as you let me go, I grabbed my friend and told her how much I wanted you. She told me to go for it.

I saw you on the dance floor later with 2 other girls. I tapped your back to let you know I was there. Your hands instantly wrapped around my body and I knew you were all mine. We talked, and grinded and the whole time I couldn't help think about how amazing this night is going to be. You didn't disappoint. You played right into my needs and invited me home with you. I thought I had you hooked.

I floated around the dance floor, but never being out of sight of one another. Always finding each other again after a couple songs. Just as I thought, we left together. After I dropped my friends off we headed to your place. Being alone with you felt surprisingly natural. I was excited but relaxed. We lay together, we talked, and we connected. This is the kind of relationship I've been wanting from you for a long time. As you were falling asleep I told you I was leaving. You tried to convince me to stay the night, but I've never done that before and it scared me.

Maybe next time...
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Addicted

It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me...
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me,
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now...

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
- Kelly Clarkson

As I am sitting on my ass watching TV in my childhood home, a commercial came on that caught my attention. It wasn't necessarily what the commercial was selling because I wasn't watching it, but what was said.

"As we move through life, we tend to learn something new every day"

I got to thinking about this quote, and what I've learned today is that I need to be wanted to be happy. It is not enough for me to be happy with myself, but I need somebody else to want to have sex with me. Since I am in Barrie, there are a handful of guys who regularly keep in touch with me and are constantly trying to get in my pants whenever I am home. This is annoying, but at the same time it makes me happy to know that I have people waiting for me to come back.
This usually entails many plans made before I even leave waterloo, late night phone calls or text messages once I'm in Barrie, and many men begging for me to come out at 2am. Usually when I come home I'm exhausted. I don't sleep very well in Waterloo, and my house in Barrie is so quiet, I just pass out in my huge fluffy bed. I get really annoyed whenever my sleep is disturbed but at the same time, it's always by a guy who wants to see me. Though I have never gone out that late to meet a guy, they still ask, beg and try to proposition me with sexual favors.
It's fun to think that the guys I messed around with in high school still want me 3 years later. And for the most part, they have all grown up and look so much better than they did before. But for some reason I'm just not into it anymore. Something has changed inside me, and though I love being wanted, I want to settle down. And I think that scares me more than anything in the world. Good Lord, what has my world come to?!?!?

"You And Me"

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove

And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
- Lifehouse
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What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to be?
I feel like I have let a part of me go in certian situations. But at the same time, I've never felt so alive. I am taking time out for me; I am stopping and smelling the flowers so to speak. Every day a new piece of the Kelly puzzle is revealed, but it's up to me to decide which piece.

There's so much more to me than what you see. Only certain people have had the opportunity to see right into my soul, and at this moment I feel betrayed by every one of them. That is just how friendships work. A lot of give and take.

How can you define a friendship? How can you say who your best friend is? I have many friends, many good friends, and many best friends. I have friends I haven't talked to in a year, but whenever we see each other, it's like no time has passed. I have childhood best friends that I still keep up with... and I have my new best friends in Waterloo. Every friendship is different and it really shouldn't be defined, it should just be. We should just be.

Spring Depression, Summer Love.

As the weather gets warmer, and the sun is out for longer, love seems to blossom. Skirt hems are getting shorter, boots are replaced by flip flops and sandals, and long sleeves are traded for tank or halter tops. Yes spring is in the air.

I know too well the effects of spring. It seems like as the snow melts, the beautiful men come out to play. Sooner than you can say "Party!!!" all of your single friends has started to engage in their summer fling. As much as I love to see my friends happy, your old relationship will never be the same. I hope that this summer I will, too, find a fling or a steady love interest to share the sun with. As I mature, I am forced to confront many of my past issues, and I am proud to say that I have conquered most or all of my issues pertaining to guys. As many of you know, I've been burned badly in the relationship department, but those wounds have healed. This summer is all about reinventing me. This will be a summer of firsts. The first time I won't be going home, the first time I won't be playing ball in Barrie, and the first time I don't have a boy waiting for me. I've come to the realization that it's going to be different. I've become a little bit depressed lately, only because I feel so alone here now. I just can't help but feel a little bit rejected. Every time I went home for longer than a weekend, I would always end up in tears because my brothers would say something hurtful and I would feel like I don't belong. I've outgrown Barrie. I have no real friends there anymore; we've all fallen apart as soon as school starts. All that is left there is my old high school crushes who want to get in my pants now, but couldn't give me the time of day 3 years ago.

This is the reason why I tried to find a job in Waterloo opposed to Barrie for the summer. I just don't belong there, and there is no point in pushing it. Aside from family life, school work has basically made me an outcast. For the past month I have not been able to go out and have a good time because in the back of my mind, I keep thinking about all the work I have to do. The nights when I get really drunk, I have turned angry, which has never happened before. I don't like it. So when I do go out, I don't get drunk and that makes the night even worse. I think my friends have picked up on this and have just stopped inviting me out, at least for the past 2 weeks this has been the case. I'm lonely, I've never felt this way before, and I am lonely.

I need to get out of this old house, I need to get out into the sunshine, and I need to get to the gym more and I need to finish this year off. Once this year is over, a huge weight will be lifted.

Now if only I could figure out a way to get my family to call me back...

These are a few of my Favourite Places

Everybody has "their spot". That one place on earth where the feel so comfortable. That place where they can sit staring out over whatever it is, thinking about whatever is bothering them and know that everything at that exact moment is as it should be. Fortunately for me, I have 2 places like that. The first place is on the boardwalk in Port Elgin. By day this place is full of families playing on the beach, or as you can see, jumping off the break wall. Those lucky kids in that picture are my brothers and my cousin Jenny.
As soon as the sun starts to set, the sweaters come on and the lovers come out. Port Elgin has the most beautiful sunset. A couple years ago it was even in the Guiness Book of World Records for it's Sunset. This picture is of my brother this past summer. Everywhere you look, you can see couples holding hands walking around admiring the beauty. All of this is great, but my favorite part about the break wall is going out at sunset, sitting on a massive rock, watching the sun go down and watching the stars come out. The break wall is practicallydeserted after sunset, and it is the most serene place. You can hear the waves crashing up against the rocks, and you get the occasional spray of water on your face. On the clearest nights, you can see stars that seem to go on forever.

I have done the deepest soul searching out on those rocks. I've decided what I want to do with my life, what kind of man I want to be with, and I have even day dreamt about how my life is going to turn out. I have also had the most intimate conversations out there. I've talked to my cousins about their upcoming weddings, my brothers about life in general and basically anything that needs to be said. It is a safe place, a place where nobody can touch you. What happens and what is said out on the rocks stays out on the rocks.
The second spot is also on a beach, but the beach in Barrie. Many nights in the summer have been spent down there walking a dog, or rollerblading with a friend. I remember one night last summer where I went down there with a friend right after my ball game, cleats and all, and walked for an hour just talking about life. There is something for everybody there. A playground for the children during the day, and the teenagers at night. Art work surrounding the beaches, such as the piece in the picture to the right. There is a beach, gardens, a marina, and lifeguard chairs (which are so much fun to climb after the bar on a Saturday night).

I've had many firsts on that beach. I've been on a date, seen the sun set over the city on Johnson's beach, and watched the children play at the park and countless picnics.

This past summer was full of downtown adventures on the beach. Mel, Britt and I spent an afternoon there sunbathing and playing Frisbee. And that infamous night when Neil, Britt, Dan and I went down after the bar and for some reason Dan thought it was a good idea to go skinny-dipping. There were also the numerous nights spent on Marks boat just chilling in the marina, and Canada Day fireworks with Andrew, Alana and Britt. So those are my spots. I can't wait to get back to them and get centered again. Maybe this weekend I'll go for a walk when I'm home.

Boys: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

I saw you in a crowded room, people were everywhere, but I saw your face. My stomach jumped as I walked by, but you didn't notice. I sighed and kept on walking. As the night went on, the room got busier and everyone got drunker; I stopped looking for you. I went to my favorite bar tender and you were standing right there watching me. The butterflies came. You gave me a huge smile and said my name while spreading your arms wide for a hug. I walked over and buried my head in your chest while I felt your massive arms wrap around my body squeezing me tight. I serene feeling engulfed me as I breathed deeply, inhaling your cologne. Your arms loosened and I lifted my head. Our eyes locked and I started to turn red. You said something, I can't quite recall. I asked how things were, how life was treating you. You gave some answer, it didn't really matter. All that mattered was that I was standing in front of you, our hands intertwined. I looked to the right and there stood a beautiful woman. Your girlfriend I assume. You never introduced us. You noticed me looking and let go of my hand. I made up an excuse and left you standing behind me.

3 drinks later I saw you on the dance floor with her. I smiled as I walked by but you grabbed my arm to stop me and pulled me close to you and started to move to the beat. We danced together, so close together. I spun around behind you and put my arms around your waste. We grinded together perfectly down to the floor and came up. We owned that dance floor. You grabbed my hand and spun me around, and that is when I noticed her again, watching me silently. I smiled at you and said I had to find my friends and I left you standing behind me again.
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You called me drunk said you were in town for the night and wanted to see me. I said you could come over to catch up. We laid in my bed with all the lights on just talking. You told me about your new girlfriend and I told you about my lack of good prospects. I told you about school, and my future plans, we laughed together and enjoyed each others company. We finally reconnected after months and months of neglect. You gave me the most amazing back massage and then you left.

The next day I got a message saying that you went home early because you had to tell your girlfriend what happened. You said you felt so guilty and you drove home right away. I called you completely confused and worried asking what happened. You said you felt guilty for spending time with me and for giving me a massage. I realized at that point that I had lost a good friend. If you felt guilty about hanging out with me, we can never be friends. If she's the one, she's worth giving up a great friendship. I just pray to God that she is the one you marry.
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Every girl knows this type; I just never thought it would be you. So sweet and caring you appeared. Every girl loved you as a friend, the perfect boyfriend I was told. We kissed that first night, deep and passionate. I melted into your arms and thought that we would spend forever like this. The next day you treated me as a stranger. Only talking to me when you had to. A couple weeks later I found myself in the same situation, molded into your body interlocked in a kiss that threatened to engulf me whole if I allowed it. I stopped you that night; I didn't want anything else to happen, fearing what happened before. I was right. The same damn thing happened. A stranger in your eyes.

A couple months later it happened again. This time I let it go too far. You got what you wanted and then you were done with me. Only talking to me when it was necessary, dropping your head when we passed in the hall way. Shying away from any physical contact. I never thought it would be you. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type character. You don't acknowledge what happened, only focusing on the present. You don't know what you've done to me. Questioning every guy’s intentions. I thought you were the real deal, I was wrong. Apparently when it comes to me, every male has no intention of creating a long lasting bond. And I am left here alone again.