It's all for the best, isn't that how it always goes.
Was stuck in a never ending circle and I got out.
I'm stronger than I was yesterday, but not as strong as tomorrow.
Strong enough to say enough.
I can't deal with the ups and downs. It shouldn't be this hard.
Trust is a delecate thing. It can't be earned back if the cycle continues.
Love is faithfulness, kindness, respect and truthfulness. That is what love is.
Love does not exist without those four factors.
As painful as it is, to give myself a shot at happiness, I must move on.
One day this will all be one lovely dream.
And I quote: "With this pain in my chest, I still wish you the best"
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Its been a while since I posted, and to be honest, I didn't miss it. It wasn't until somebody asked me about my blog that I went, Oh, right!
A lot has changed in my life and I'm fighting to stay positive each and every day. One of the major milestones is that I need to seek help from an impartial, outside source in order to deal with my insecurities and trust issues. I don't think that I'm any less of a person because of it. It isn't my fault I have these problems - I've been a victim in situations that have damaged me. I never asked for it. And I know I will never be able to be fully healthy without conquering these demons. you go to a doctor if you're body is broken, you go to a dentist if your teeth are broken and you go to a councilor if your mind is broken.
I'm trying to have no expectations of this experience, however, I do hope that the councilor will be nice and understanding, as well as non-judgemental. I have dealt with enough judgement due to my decisions by my friends and family. I just want peace and harmony and I know this starts within me.
Another major milestone is that I've decided that I only want people around me who support me 100%. My life has been full of ups and downs in the past couple of years and I've weeded out some people who were not really on my side. I have no problem shutting that door if I feel it is necessary.
I guess that is all for now. Sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better. Growing pains I suppose.
A lot has changed in my life and I'm fighting to stay positive each and every day. One of the major milestones is that I need to seek help from an impartial, outside source in order to deal with my insecurities and trust issues. I don't think that I'm any less of a person because of it. It isn't my fault I have these problems - I've been a victim in situations that have damaged me. I never asked for it. And I know I will never be able to be fully healthy without conquering these demons. you go to a doctor if you're body is broken, you go to a dentist if your teeth are broken and you go to a councilor if your mind is broken.
I'm trying to have no expectations of this experience, however, I do hope that the councilor will be nice and understanding, as well as non-judgemental. I have dealt with enough judgement due to my decisions by my friends and family. I just want peace and harmony and I know this starts within me.
Another major milestone is that I've decided that I only want people around me who support me 100%. My life has been full of ups and downs in the past couple of years and I've weeded out some people who were not really on my side. I have no problem shutting that door if I feel it is necessary.
I guess that is all for now. Sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better. Growing pains I suppose.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Sometimes you just need to sit back and say, what the hell am I doing?
I'm not happy... why? What am I doing to perpetuate this unhappiness? What can I do to stop the stresses that are leading to unhappiness? What actions can I take to bring happiness into my life?
Life can generally be divided up into five categories. Life in general, relationships, career, family, health.
Life in General: Activities, hobbies, financials
Relationships: friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, networking, animals
Career: current job, future career projections and goals
Family: immediate family, extended family, in laws
Health: General feeling of health, doctor appointments, secondary doctor appointments including chiropractor, massage, dentist, optometrist
It's easy to isolate a feeling if you can pinpoint where the initial problem exists. From there it's easy to create a solution to integrate into your life.
SO... with all of this said, here is where my problems or stressers lay.
Life in General - General feeling of being displaced due to the recient move and change in cities. I have a good handle on my current debt but I see the value in paying down the large amounts faster. More money is going towards the principle and my interest payments are going down. However, I am still very heavily in debt.
Relationships - I am mourning the loss of two very good friends due to their choices and lifestyles. I am uncomfortable with my current romantic relationship.
Career - No real stressers here. It is more of an ongoing stresser to ensure that I am/can be/will be the best and to push my career forward.
Family - Ongoing underlying stresser with my Dad. Personality conflicts with cousins
Health - Feeling tired all of the time physically, not mentally. Intense sharp pains in my stomach when stressed. Uncomfortable in my body due to recent weight gain due to health issue.
So, how am I going to fix it. Obviously I am feeling not well, unhappy, dragged down and displaced. Here is what I plan to do.
Life in General - Feeling of being displaced - This will fade as I become more accustomed to my new environment and begin to form a regular pattern again. Once I get my own space and can have the things that make me comfortable around me, I will feel more at home. Continue on my debt repayment plan, but also make sure to put money aside for other things that will make me happy in the future, such as my RRSP, TFSA and a savings account.
Relationships - I am considering seeking out a therapist to discuss my feelings of abandonment in regards to my broken friendships. Perhaps this is an opportunity for me to explore the current friendships I have an to make an effort to hold those together as well. I feel like I do put in a lot of effort with my friends but I'm sure there is room for improvement. As for my current romantic relationship, it has been a bumpy ride. We really need to have some private time and have a heart to heart and see what each of us is looking for in a relationship and with their life and be brutally honest with each other to see if we do actually fit into each others lives. There is nothing wrong with fighting to save a relationship, but there also is nothing wrong with parting ways due to a lack of a future together. I respect him and if I don't fit into his goals and views for his future, and vice versa, then there is no point in continuing a relationship if it is just going to end. Might as well end it now while we can still be friendly, supportive and civil.
Career - I plan on just moving forward and attaining my goals.
Family - Perhaps this is another issue I can speak with a therapist about. I'm sure there are exercises I can do to help get rid of the negative feelings I house for my Dad. Unfortunately my relationships with some of my cousins just isn't worth working on. For others that I do have a positive, reciprocal relationship with, of course they are worth it.
Health - I am continuing to seek out medical treatment for the pain and weight gain. I am joining a gym before December and I plan on making a committed effort to exercise regularly. I am considering hiring a personal trainer to keep me motivated as that seems to be what holds me back. I am also seeing a Chiropractor to help with the pain in my back and a massage therapist to help reduce stress.
So I guess I still have a ways to go. I have some research to do in the way of a therapist and a gym. Once I get settled in my apartment I believe I will feel more settled with my life. And it is clear that I have some work ahead in the relationship department.
My goals in the next month are:
I'm not happy... why? What am I doing to perpetuate this unhappiness? What can I do to stop the stresses that are leading to unhappiness? What actions can I take to bring happiness into my life?
Life can generally be divided up into five categories. Life in general, relationships, career, family, health.
Life in General: Activities, hobbies, financials
Relationships: friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, networking, animals
Career: current job, future career projections and goals
Family: immediate family, extended family, in laws
Health: General feeling of health, doctor appointments, secondary doctor appointments including chiropractor, massage, dentist, optometrist
It's easy to isolate a feeling if you can pinpoint where the initial problem exists. From there it's easy to create a solution to integrate into your life.
SO... with all of this said, here is where my problems or stressers lay.
Life in General - General feeling of being displaced due to the recient move and change in cities. I have a good handle on my current debt but I see the value in paying down the large amounts faster. More money is going towards the principle and my interest payments are going down. However, I am still very heavily in debt.
Relationships - I am mourning the loss of two very good friends due to their choices and lifestyles. I am uncomfortable with my current romantic relationship.
Career - No real stressers here. It is more of an ongoing stresser to ensure that I am/can be/will be the best and to push my career forward.
Family - Ongoing underlying stresser with my Dad. Personality conflicts with cousins
Health - Feeling tired all of the time physically, not mentally. Intense sharp pains in my stomach when stressed. Uncomfortable in my body due to recent weight gain due to health issue.
So, how am I going to fix it. Obviously I am feeling not well, unhappy, dragged down and displaced. Here is what I plan to do.
Life in General - Feeling of being displaced - This will fade as I become more accustomed to my new environment and begin to form a regular pattern again. Once I get my own space and can have the things that make me comfortable around me, I will feel more at home. Continue on my debt repayment plan, but also make sure to put money aside for other things that will make me happy in the future, such as my RRSP, TFSA and a savings account.
Relationships - I am considering seeking out a therapist to discuss my feelings of abandonment in regards to my broken friendships. Perhaps this is an opportunity for me to explore the current friendships I have an to make an effort to hold those together as well. I feel like I do put in a lot of effort with my friends but I'm sure there is room for improvement. As for my current romantic relationship, it has been a bumpy ride. We really need to have some private time and have a heart to heart and see what each of us is looking for in a relationship and with their life and be brutally honest with each other to see if we do actually fit into each others lives. There is nothing wrong with fighting to save a relationship, but there also is nothing wrong with parting ways due to a lack of a future together. I respect him and if I don't fit into his goals and views for his future, and vice versa, then there is no point in continuing a relationship if it is just going to end. Might as well end it now while we can still be friendly, supportive and civil.
Career - I plan on just moving forward and attaining my goals.
Family - Perhaps this is another issue I can speak with a therapist about. I'm sure there are exercises I can do to help get rid of the negative feelings I house for my Dad. Unfortunately my relationships with some of my cousins just isn't worth working on. For others that I do have a positive, reciprocal relationship with, of course they are worth it.
Health - I am continuing to seek out medical treatment for the pain and weight gain. I am joining a gym before December and I plan on making a committed effort to exercise regularly. I am considering hiring a personal trainer to keep me motivated as that seems to be what holds me back. I am also seeing a Chiropractor to help with the pain in my back and a massage therapist to help reduce stress.
So I guess I still have a ways to go. I have some research to do in the way of a therapist and a gym. Once I get settled in my apartment I believe I will feel more settled with my life. And it is clear that I have some work ahead in the relationship department.
My goals in the next month are:
- To move into my apartment and set myself up.
- Seek out a gym and join
- Research therapists and what my benefits plan will cover
- Find activities in the community that will help me feel more at home (Sorority, cooking classes, fitness classes)
- Discuss relationship goals and access a future
My goals in the next 6 months are:
- Loose weight
- Plan for a promotion
- Take a vacation
- Pay down my debt by $3000
- Start a rainy day fund
- Re access relationship goals and future talk if necessary
My goals in the next year are:
- Plan a vacation every 6 months or so (cottage in the summer, somewhere hot in the winter) and put money aside to afford it.
- Begin the push for a promotion/increased salary
- Save $1000 to put into my TFSA
Saturday, August 28, 2010
As with everything, it's important to look ahead but also look behind. It's the night before my 25th Birthday. Well, technically I turn 25 in 38 minutes. Twenty Five... wow.
It's amazing how much has happened in 25 short years. I feel like I'm just getting started, but I've made it over the first couple of really big hills. I have accomplished a lot for somebody my age, and I consider myself lucky to be able to list those accomplishments. I recognize that what I have done is not a small feat, but instead, they are check marks on a bigger list that not many people have the opportunity to do.
It is scary to turn 25, and I have to admit that I am sitting here crying as I write this. But I can't decide if these tears are upset, scared or happy tears - maybe a mix of all three.
I told myself that I never want to regret anything, and maybe regret isn't the right word, but at this moment I can't think of anything that fits. I regret not enjoying everything. I feel like I rushed through life to get to that "check mark" and I missed the plot. I rushed through high school to get out of my parents place, I rushed through University to get to Grad school so I could tell people that I have a University degree and am in Grad school. I rushed through Grad school because I was tired of being broke and wanted to do something real. I rushed through my Internship because I thought I was better than being "the intern" and I wanted to prove myself. Now I've rushed through my first year of real world work, and what do I have to show? Just a lot of rushed experiences, a couple pieces of very expensive paper and I still have the attitude that I'm better than this.
So now that I can officially call myself older and wiser than the younger me (because I'm no longer in my early twenties), I'm going to make a vow to myself. I vow to push myself every day to be better than I am. I vow to stop and enjoy life every day. I vow to be nicer to myself and to others. I vow to not take life so seriously.
So, in order to make myself feel a bit better, here is a list of everything I've accomplished in 25 short years:
I vow to not let these times get away from me. Life is a journey and I'm excited to see where it takes me.
It's amazing how much has happened in 25 short years. I feel like I'm just getting started, but I've made it over the first couple of really big hills. I have accomplished a lot for somebody my age, and I consider myself lucky to be able to list those accomplishments. I recognize that what I have done is not a small feat, but instead, they are check marks on a bigger list that not many people have the opportunity to do.
It is scary to turn 25, and I have to admit that I am sitting here crying as I write this. But I can't decide if these tears are upset, scared or happy tears - maybe a mix of all three.
I told myself that I never want to regret anything, and maybe regret isn't the right word, but at this moment I can't think of anything that fits. I regret not enjoying everything. I feel like I rushed through life to get to that "check mark" and I missed the plot. I rushed through high school to get out of my parents place, I rushed through University to get to Grad school so I could tell people that I have a University degree and am in Grad school. I rushed through Grad school because I was tired of being broke and wanted to do something real. I rushed through my Internship because I thought I was better than being "the intern" and I wanted to prove myself. Now I've rushed through my first year of real world work, and what do I have to show? Just a lot of rushed experiences, a couple pieces of very expensive paper and I still have the attitude that I'm better than this.
So now that I can officially call myself older and wiser than the younger me (because I'm no longer in my early twenties), I'm going to make a vow to myself. I vow to push myself every day to be better than I am. I vow to stop and enjoy life every day. I vow to be nicer to myself and to others. I vow to not take life so seriously.
So, in order to make myself feel a bit better, here is a list of everything I've accomplished in 25 short years:
- I have been a very good big sister and helped to raise two excellent little brothers
- I have helped my parents reach their dream of running a successful business
- I have made one life long friend
- I have graduated from Elementary School and High school on time
- I have earned a University Degree
- I have earned a Post-Secondary Certificate in the field that I chose
- I have made a name for myself in my community doing something I love
- I have been there for many friends when they needed me
- I have bought my first car
- I have taken a vacation for myself
- I have adopted and taken care of a wonderful dog
- I have lived by myself
- I have been responsible for myself financially
- I have fallen in love, and had my heart broken more than once
- I have taken many chances
I vow to not let these times get away from me. Life is a journey and I'm excited to see where it takes me.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friends come and go. Relationships are hard and easily die. With the death of something, there are always people left behind feelings get hurt. This year has been a difficult one for me because I've come to realize that I don't have that many good friends.
There are many different kinds of friends. Ones that you hang out with when you have nothing else to do, ones you make time for and ones that will always have your back.
I've learned who I am, who I want to be and how to get there through my friends. I never really got it when I was younger that your "best friends forever" never really stay that way. Friendship is really based on life stages. It's impossible to maintain a friendship if each party is in a different life stage. I learned this the hard way when I went to University and my "BFF's" stayed in Barrie making babies and working at Walmart. I learned this again when I went to Seneca and my "BFF's" got jobs and entered the real world. You would think that the second time is a charm, but again, I've learned when I entered the real world and life got busy.
The death of a friendship is hard and I've been carrying these hardships with me for months. I need to get them off my shoulders.
Caitlin
Katelyn
Angela
Jealousy, selfishness and anger all played a part in the death of these relationships. I guess you find out who your real friends are when you become successful. It's surprising how many people get off on holding you down.
There are many different kinds of friends. Ones that you hang out with when you have nothing else to do, ones you make time for and ones that will always have your back.
I've learned who I am, who I want to be and how to get there through my friends. I never really got it when I was younger that your "best friends forever" never really stay that way. Friendship is really based on life stages. It's impossible to maintain a friendship if each party is in a different life stage. I learned this the hard way when I went to University and my "BFF's" stayed in Barrie making babies and working at Walmart. I learned this again when I went to Seneca and my "BFF's" got jobs and entered the real world. You would think that the second time is a charm, but again, I've learned when I entered the real world and life got busy.
The death of a friendship is hard and I've been carrying these hardships with me for months. I need to get them off my shoulders.
Caitlin
Katelyn
Angela
Jealousy, selfishness and anger all played a part in the death of these relationships. I guess you find out who your real friends are when you become successful. It's surprising how many people get off on holding you down.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43 now at $14,228.43. Difference of $200
Mastercard - $10,056.06 now at $8122.66. Difference of $1933.40
OSAP - $6,378.08 now at $6,292.66. Difference of $85.42
Since I started my quest to end my debt, I've paid off $2218.82 - and counting!
It feels great to be in control. These numbers are still way too high, but slowly they are coming down.
Mastercard - $10,056.06 now at $8122.66. Difference of $1933.40
OSAP - $6,378.08 now at $6,292.66. Difference of $85.42
Since I started my quest to end my debt, I've paid off $2218.82 - and counting!
It feels great to be in control. These numbers are still way too high, but slowly they are coming down.
What goes around, comes around.
Well, as I said last week, I firmly believe in Karma. If you send positive energy out there, you will receive positive energy in return.
I spent my last $70 on a man I had never met before so he could go home and visit his daughter. This week, just days later, I get an e-mail from my Mom saying that my parents were talking and they want to help me out with some of my debt repayment - to the tune of $1500.
Holy
Crap
Just to clarify, this came out of nowhere. I have not mentioned money to my parents at all in the past month or so. I have been doing well for myself and keeping up with my payments. They just decided to do this as a gift. A really BIG gift.
So there you have it folks, what goes around, comes around. Be nice to others, and others will be nice to you.
Well, as I said last week, I firmly believe in Karma. If you send positive energy out there, you will receive positive energy in return.
I spent my last $70 on a man I had never met before so he could go home and visit his daughter. This week, just days later, I get an e-mail from my Mom saying that my parents were talking and they want to help me out with some of my debt repayment - to the tune of $1500.
Holy
Crap
Just to clarify, this came out of nowhere. I have not mentioned money to my parents at all in the past month or so. I have been doing well for myself and keeping up with my payments. They just decided to do this as a gift. A really BIG gift.
So there you have it folks, what goes around, comes around. Be nice to others, and others will be nice to you.
Monday, May 10, 2010
What am I doing? I feel out of control. I'm second guessing my decisions. I feel numb.
I usually know what the right decision is because my emotions tell me so. I usually have such an overwhelming feeling of right or wrong it's obvious. But I don't know this time. I think I've been damaged to the point where my emotional nerves have been paralyzed. I'm lost without my emotional compass.
Talking about Shea last night gave me the chills. It's been a secret I've held inside of me, thought about on a daily basis, kept inside of me... then suddenly it was coming out of my mouth. My little secret. I feel kind of guilty in a way because I've held it in for so long.
But then you talked about her, like she was a part of your life too. In your day dreams, your imagination. I'm not alone. There's something comforting in that.
I'm always going to wonder, "what if..."
I usually know what the right decision is because my emotions tell me so. I usually have such an overwhelming feeling of right or wrong it's obvious. But I don't know this time. I think I've been damaged to the point where my emotional nerves have been paralyzed. I'm lost without my emotional compass.
Talking about Shea last night gave me the chills. It's been a secret I've held inside of me, thought about on a daily basis, kept inside of me... then suddenly it was coming out of my mouth. My little secret. I feel kind of guilty in a way because I've held it in for so long.
But then you talked about her, like she was a part of your life too. In your day dreams, your imagination. I'm not alone. There's something comforting in that.
I'm always going to wonder, "what if..."
Friday, May 07, 2010
Life is different. I'm not sure if it's better or worse - just different.
I make plans for me. I do what I want to. I make dinner for one. I wake up alone, I go to bed alone.
I vow to make life what I want it to be. And this is what I want:
I make plans for me. I do what I want to. I make dinner for one. I wake up alone, I go to bed alone.
I vow to make life what I want it to be. And this is what I want:
- A career that is going someplace
- A man who adores me
- A well behaved dog
I want a man who:
- Takes care of himself and takes care of me
- Is thoughtful
- Thinks about "us" instead of just me or just him
- Values a relationship
- Is loyal, faithful, and respectful
- Is charming
- Loves me for me
- Knows how to communicate
- Can be happy with just one woman
- Is honest, regardless of the consequences
- Is able to commit
- Has life goals
- Supports himself
I stayed late at work yesterday. I just couldn't bring myself to go home. I cried the entire way to work on the subway and not one person asked me if I was OK or offered me a tissue. I didn't want to face that cold world again feeling the way I was.
Around 7 I gathered up my things and left, hoping that I missed the rush and I could get home unnoticed. There was a man just a couple years older than me at the entrance to the subway station - he had a sign that read "Need bus fare to go home. I'm sorry. There is no other way."
His face looked like how I felt. I instantly connected with him and my heart went out to him. I didn't have any cash on me, but then I remembered that I had $5 in my purse that I had taken out on Saturday for Tom. I put it in his cup and the look he gave me broke my heart. He was crying. He was clearly embarrassed that he was begging. He looked me in the eye and said, thank-you, I'm trying to get home to see my daughter. I really appreciate it.
I sat down next to him and asked him where he was going and he told me his life story. The bus station was just around the corner so I told him to come with me. I walked with him to the bus station and bought him a ticket to Ottawa.
I used my grocery money to buy that ticket - but he needed it more than I did.
I fully believe in Karma. What goes around, comes around. And as selfish as this sounds, it made me feel better as a person to be able to change somebody's life like that. So maybe, one day, when I just need somebody to sit down and talk to me and help me get where I need to go, somebody will be there.
Around 7 I gathered up my things and left, hoping that I missed the rush and I could get home unnoticed. There was a man just a couple years older than me at the entrance to the subway station - he had a sign that read "Need bus fare to go home. I'm sorry. There is no other way."
His face looked like how I felt. I instantly connected with him and my heart went out to him. I didn't have any cash on me, but then I remembered that I had $5 in my purse that I had taken out on Saturday for Tom. I put it in his cup and the look he gave me broke my heart. He was crying. He was clearly embarrassed that he was begging. He looked me in the eye and said, thank-you, I'm trying to get home to see my daughter. I really appreciate it.
I sat down next to him and asked him where he was going and he told me his life story. The bus station was just around the corner so I told him to come with me. I walked with him to the bus station and bought him a ticket to Ottawa.
I used my grocery money to buy that ticket - but he needed it more than I did.
I fully believe in Karma. What goes around, comes around. And as selfish as this sounds, it made me feel better as a person to be able to change somebody's life like that. So maybe, one day, when I just need somebody to sit down and talk to me and help me get where I need to go, somebody will be there.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
The little butterflies are there again. Very small, but still a nice reminder that not all hope is lost. The text messages in the morning are a wonderful reminder that I am still attractive. I'm smiling again, through my pain.
If he could find somebody to talk to on POF, so can I, and I have.
So far only one has given me small butterflies, but I'm positive that is going to change.
The power of positive thinking changes everything.
If he could find somebody to talk to on POF, so can I, and I have.
So far only one has given me small butterflies, but I'm positive that is going to change.
The power of positive thinking changes everything.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
To be single, or not to be single, that is the question.
I love being in a relationship. The idea that there is one person who will be there for me and I can tell everything to is delightful. Somebody I can share my stress with, and my hopes and fears and goals. Somebody whose been with me the whole way and knows how big each milestone is. There is such intimacy that comes with knowledge of another person's life.
On the flip side, a bad relationship seems to suck the life out of you. A relationship when you can't trust what the other person is saying. How great can those life milestones be if you aren't sure that the other person even cares? How can you share your hopes, feelings or goals when you aren't certain that person will keep that knowledge a secret? What is the point?
How can it survive when one person is so selfish, they'd rather talk to 16 other women out of boredom when they realize that it will hurt you? But they'll do it anyways because everything is about them, you just fit in when they have nothing else to do. It's all for show.
Yes, he has this great girlfriend who cooks dinner for all of his friends. Always takes an interest in his friends lives and is nothing but pleasant to them? On the outside, everything is perfect. But the minute this great girlfriend leaves, the computer calls him. Maybe he likes the anonymity. Maybe he likes that he can be anybody he wants to be, an employed, Laurier football player who is responsible enough to buy a house and take care of his own dog. Maybe he likes the reaction he gets from these women. Maybe it's a ego boost. Maybe he doesn't see that there is a woman who liked him for who he was. He always has to be somebody he's not.
Obviously he sees that he's not living up to his potential, and in order to feed that need to be accepted, he's creating an alter ego. The problem is, his alter ego is not who he is. And his alter ego is going to lose the woman he loves, the woman who accepts him for who he is.
If he's so unhappy with his life that he needs to create an alternate life online, then he can't possibly be happy with me. So maybe it would be in every body's best interest for him to go on with his alternate universe and receive the praise he obviously feels that he deserves. And for me to continue living on in the present and concentrate on my career, losing weight and being happy. Just me, all alone. Just me. And Lexie, of course.
I love being in a relationship. The idea that there is one person who will be there for me and I can tell everything to is delightful. Somebody I can share my stress with, and my hopes and fears and goals. Somebody whose been with me the whole way and knows how big each milestone is. There is such intimacy that comes with knowledge of another person's life.
On the flip side, a bad relationship seems to suck the life out of you. A relationship when you can't trust what the other person is saying. How great can those life milestones be if you aren't sure that the other person even cares? How can you share your hopes, feelings or goals when you aren't certain that person will keep that knowledge a secret? What is the point?
How can it survive when one person is so selfish, they'd rather talk to 16 other women out of boredom when they realize that it will hurt you? But they'll do it anyways because everything is about them, you just fit in when they have nothing else to do. It's all for show.
Yes, he has this great girlfriend who cooks dinner for all of his friends. Always takes an interest in his friends lives and is nothing but pleasant to them? On the outside, everything is perfect. But the minute this great girlfriend leaves, the computer calls him. Maybe he likes the anonymity. Maybe he likes that he can be anybody he wants to be, an employed, Laurier football player who is responsible enough to buy a house and take care of his own dog. Maybe he likes the reaction he gets from these women. Maybe it's a ego boost. Maybe he doesn't see that there is a woman who liked him for who he was. He always has to be somebody he's not.
Obviously he sees that he's not living up to his potential, and in order to feed that need to be accepted, he's creating an alter ego. The problem is, his alter ego is not who he is. And his alter ego is going to lose the woman he loves, the woman who accepts him for who he is.
If he's so unhappy with his life that he needs to create an alternate life online, then he can't possibly be happy with me. So maybe it would be in every body's best interest for him to go on with his alternate universe and receive the praise he obviously feels that he deserves. And for me to continue living on in the present and concentrate on my career, losing weight and being happy. Just me, all alone. Just me. And Lexie, of course.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
It feels great to be in control. In control of my career, in control of my emotions, in control of my finances. I feel like many many weights have been lifted off of my shoulders.
TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43 now at $14,278.43
Mastercard - $10,056.06 now at $9,258.14
OSAP - $6,378.08
And I'm sitting with over $500 in the bank. I still have some bills to pay, but there are groceries in the kitchen and a roof over my head.
And I had a wonderful weekend. Even though I was not feeling that great, I still feel happy from the inside out.
TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43 now at $14,278.43
Mastercard - $10,056.06 now at $9,258.14
OSAP - $6,378.08
And I'm sitting with over $500 in the bank. I still have some bills to pay, but there are groceries in the kitchen and a roof over my head.
And I had a wonderful weekend. Even though I was not feeling that great, I still feel happy from the inside out.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Happy 200th post to me!
Well Momma comes through again. With a generous donation to the poor Kelly fund, my Mom has brought my Mastercard debt down to $9,908.14!
Stay tuned on Friday when I finally get paid and will be able to pay this debt off even more.
Anticipated income this month:
Pay Cheque: 1,064.66 times 2 = $2129.32
Reimbursements for benefits: $97 + $40 + $87 = $224
Income Tax Refund: $1339.28
May rent from Jenna: $500
Tom Repayment: $100
Which all equals... drum roll please....
$4292.60
Minus out rent for May ($950) =$3342.60
Minus out MetroPass ($110) = $3232.60
Minus out food budget ($250) = $2982.60
Minus out entertainment (cause I'd like to treat my hunny to a movie/dinner. $100) = $2882.60
Minus out gas for my car ($60) = $2822.60
So all in all, I will have around $2822.60 to go towards my debt repayment this month, which is pretty sweet! I defiantly need to take advantage of this increase this month, however, with the extra money I am receiving I will be spending more on food to stock up my shelves/freezer while I have the cash so if I have another slim month, I'll at least be able to eat.
Since I've been writing all of this down, I'm feeling really good about it. Even though my debt is over $30,000, I can see an ending in sight. It is shocking me to see that even an extra $11 a month can cut off one full year of payments.
Plus, I'm lined up to get a raise this month which will be back dated to April 1. So even though it will only be a little amount I'll be getting at once, I'm going to use that money to treat myself to something nice.
There was one set back this month. I now owe my Mom money as well. $700 for the cottage for a week and York University has come after us for unpaid parking tickets. Even though its been over a year since I went there. Anyways, it is over $1000 so once I get that final sum, I can add it to my debt. yay....
Well Momma comes through again. With a generous donation to the poor Kelly fund, my Mom has brought my Mastercard debt down to $9,908.14!
Stay tuned on Friday when I finally get paid and will be able to pay this debt off even more.
Anticipated income this month:
Pay Cheque: 1,064.66 times 2 = $2129.32
Reimbursements for benefits: $97 + $40 + $87 = $224
Income Tax Refund: $1339.28
May rent from Jenna: $500
Tom Repayment: $100
Which all equals... drum roll please....
$4292.60
Minus out rent for May ($950) =$3342.60
Minus out MetroPass ($110) = $3232.60
Minus out food budget ($250) = $2982.60
Minus out entertainment (cause I'd like to treat my hunny to a movie/dinner. $100) = $2882.60
Minus out gas for my car ($60) = $2822.60
So all in all, I will have around $2822.60 to go towards my debt repayment this month, which is pretty sweet! I defiantly need to take advantage of this increase this month, however, with the extra money I am receiving I will be spending more on food to stock up my shelves/freezer while I have the cash so if I have another slim month, I'll at least be able to eat.
Since I've been writing all of this down, I'm feeling really good about it. Even though my debt is over $30,000, I can see an ending in sight. It is shocking me to see that even an extra $11 a month can cut off one full year of payments.
Plus, I'm lined up to get a raise this month which will be back dated to April 1. So even though it will only be a little amount I'll be getting at once, I'm going to use that money to treat myself to something nice.
There was one set back this month. I now owe my Mom money as well. $700 for the cottage for a week and York University has come after us for unpaid parking tickets. Even though its been over a year since I went there. Anyways, it is over $1000 so once I get that final sum, I can add it to my debt. yay....
Monday, April 12, 2010
I'm going to turn this into a game. Lets see if I can 'beat the bank' and pay down my loans faster than they said I could. Lets see if I can save myself hundreds in interest.
Here's how I'm going to do it.
Tax refund - $1339.28
$1000 is going onto my credit card. If I continue to pay my monthly payments of $200 after that, it will take me around 4.5 years to pay off my debt. That is taking 3.5 years off of my debt repayment.
$339.28 is going on my TD line of Credit. This brings my total down to $14089.15. If I continue to pay $150 a month after that, it will take me just under 8 years to pay off. Not as spectacular but it does knock a couple months off.
OSAP- Current monthly payment - $88.15
If I pay $11.85 more a month, I take my loan repayment down from 86 months (7.16 years) to 74 months (6.16 years) and save myself $163.44 in interest.
So all in all, this plan is going to take roughly 4.1 years off of my total repayment which sounds pretty sweet to me.
Next step... get a raise/better paying job/second job and throw that money on my credit card to get it down to a more reasonable level.
Here's how I'm going to do it.
Tax refund - $1339.28
$1000 is going onto my credit card. If I continue to pay my monthly payments of $200 after that, it will take me around 4.5 years to pay off my debt. That is taking 3.5 years off of my debt repayment.
$339.28 is going on my TD line of Credit. This brings my total down to $14089.15. If I continue to pay $150 a month after that, it will take me just under 8 years to pay off. Not as spectacular but it does knock a couple months off.
OSAP- Current monthly payment - $88.15
If I pay $11.85 more a month, I take my loan repayment down from 86 months (7.16 years) to 74 months (6.16 years) and save myself $163.44 in interest.
So all in all, this plan is going to take roughly 4.1 years off of my total repayment which sounds pretty sweet to me.
Next step... get a raise/better paying job/second job and throw that money on my credit card to get it down to a more reasonable level.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I need a change. I feel trapped. I need to feel free again.
TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43
Current payment -$150 a month
Interest rate - 3.25% (roughly $44.03 a month)
Started at $15,000. $571.57 paid down since November
Will take around 8 years to pay off with current payments.
Mastercard - $10,056.06
Current payment - Whatever I can spare. Usually around $200 a month
Interest rate - 19% (Roughly $172.94 a month)
Will take around 8 years to pay off with current payments
OSAP - $6,378.08
Current payment - $88.15 a month
Interest rate - $4.75% ($25.73 a month)
Started at $6683.88. $305.80 paid down since November
Will take around 6 years to pay off with current payments
This means I'm paying $438.15 a month in debt repayment. With $242.70 a month in interest payments. I'm paying only $195.45 a month directly to my debt, the rest is interest payments. How can I get ahead with that?
I need to pay these down in order to feel in control. This means I need to up my payments. The more I pay down, the less my interest payments will be.
How can I do this? I'm living dollar to dollar now. Soon I'll be without a car and will have to pay for transportation. How can I do this?
I need a change. And fast.
TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43
Current payment -$150 a month
Interest rate - 3.25% (roughly $44.03 a month)
Started at $15,000. $571.57 paid down since November
Will take around 8 years to pay off with current payments.
Mastercard - $10,056.06
Current payment - Whatever I can spare. Usually around $200 a month
Interest rate - 19% (Roughly $172.94 a month)
Will take around 8 years to pay off with current payments
OSAP - $6,378.08
Current payment - $88.15 a month
Interest rate - $4.75% ($25.73 a month)
Started at $6683.88. $305.80 paid down since November
Will take around 6 years to pay off with current payments
This means I'm paying $438.15 a month in debt repayment. With $242.70 a month in interest payments. I'm paying only $195.45 a month directly to my debt, the rest is interest payments. How can I get ahead with that?
I need to pay these down in order to feel in control. This means I need to up my payments. The more I pay down, the less my interest payments will be.
How can I do this? I'm living dollar to dollar now. Soon I'll be without a car and will have to pay for transportation. How can I do this?
I need a change. And fast.
Monday, April 05, 2010
There's something comfortable about the thought. Something scary. Something happy and something worrying.
There are many things that need to happen first.
There are many things that need to happen first.
- Get a job in the Kitchener area
- Have him ask me
- Decide that it is the right time to move in
- Talk with my parents about it
- Talk with his parents about it
- Discuss where to live
- Finalize furniture placement/sell unneeded furniture
If he wants me to move into his current house, this needs to happen:
- Discuss changing the house to suit us.
- Find the money to make those changes
- Discuss the current/future roommate situation
I'm actually excited about the prospect of moving. I think I'd be more excited about going and looking at places for us to live together. His house might work for us for a little while but we would not be happy there for a long while. I can see us in a three story house with a modernized flair. A large bedroom with an en suite bathroom - stand up shower AND a soaker tub. A walk in closet. At least one extra bedroom, if not two. A backyard with grass and a deck, maybe a little garden that I can plant flowers in. An open concept kitchen with an island. A basement with a bathroom.
Ah to dream, right?
Concern #1, prep the parents so that IF I get a job there and IF he asks me to move in and IF we decide that it is the right time, there will be less stress/questions. Cause we all know I don't deal with change well when everything is going right in my life, I can only imagine how upset I'll be if I don't have peace in other aspects of my life.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Our lives don't mesh. He likes to stay up late, I go to bed early. I like peace and quiet, his house is always busy and loud. I like order and planning, he goes where the wind blows him. I like to cook dinner and make my lunch every day for work, he never has food in the house.
If I move in with him, I'll have to bend to the way he lives his life because he would be my landlord, its his house, his rules. He could throw me out at any moment for no reason because he can.
I can just see me coming home from work, a house full of guys in the living room. All I'll be able to say is hello, take my dog for a walk, make dinner and go to bed. That Hello will be the extent of our conversations. We talk more now when we're apart than I can see us doing if we lived together. I would get up before him, probably be out the door before he wakes up. Yes we'll see each other all the time, but we'll grow apart very quickly.
The guys girlfriends will think I'm snobby or rude because they don't work the same hours I do and when they are just getting their day started, I'll be winding mine down and going to bed.
I don't think he's ready to give up some things that he does that would make me more comfortable if we were to live together. And I think he would resent me if that situation happened.
He always says he likes his things around him, so I wonder how he would react with my things around him as well. I'm a smart girl. How could I justify getting rid of my things to move in with somebody who has the power to kick me out at any minute?
If I move in with him, I'll have to bend to the way he lives his life because he would be my landlord, its his house, his rules. He could throw me out at any moment for no reason because he can.
I can just see me coming home from work, a house full of guys in the living room. All I'll be able to say is hello, take my dog for a walk, make dinner and go to bed. That Hello will be the extent of our conversations. We talk more now when we're apart than I can see us doing if we lived together. I would get up before him, probably be out the door before he wakes up. Yes we'll see each other all the time, but we'll grow apart very quickly.
The guys girlfriends will think I'm snobby or rude because they don't work the same hours I do and when they are just getting their day started, I'll be winding mine down and going to bed.
I don't think he's ready to give up some things that he does that would make me more comfortable if we were to live together. And I think he would resent me if that situation happened.
He always says he likes his things around him, so I wonder how he would react with my things around him as well. I'm a smart girl. How could I justify getting rid of my things to move in with somebody who has the power to kick me out at any minute?
Monday, March 15, 2010
Am I always going to wonder 'what if?'
I miss her. I'm sad that she'll never see the person she helped me be.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my wedding day. Not that I want to be married right now, but talking with my friends who are planning their wedding I've realized how much I already know about my wedding day. I know what I like, what I want to see and who I want there. I know that I'm going to cry all day - that's just a given. But I think I'm going to sad just as much as I am happy. I just see these memories, but they aren't memories. Like I've already lived through it but it hasn't happened yet. I just see my cousin Rebecca hugging me and crying and me breaking down saying that I wish Nannie was here. And I can see Rebecca crying with me and telling me how proud Nan is of me and telling me everything I would want to hear from her.
I know I'm going to cry during the father-daughter dance because I know my Dad is going to cry and tell me how much he loves me and is proud of me. And I know that is probably the last time I'll ever hear that. And I'll cry because I know he doesn't mean it. And I'll cry because that breaks my heart.
I'll cry because somebody else's family is going to welcome me with open arms and I just can't wait to hear my future parents-in-law's speech. I want them to talk about the first time they met me, and how happy they am that their son chose me and I want them to talk about our happy future together. And while they are talking I want my husband to squeeze my hand and smile at me and laugh at me as I cry. And I want him to hug me and tell me he loves me.
I know I want flowers everywhere. And candles too. I want an open bar. I want to be by water. I want beautiful pictures in the sunset. And I want somebody who loves me for me and who wants a future with me.
And I want my Nannie to be with me that day. I want her to show me that she is watching and I want to know that she loves me. But what if she was with me on that day? What would she say to me? What would she say to me now? Would she be proud of me? Would she take me shopping? Would she be that person I told everything to again?
I think what I miss most was the locked vault. I told her everything and never worried about her judging me. And I miss that escape. I wish I could just get everything out of my head and trust one person to keep my secrets.
I love ya Nan. Always have and always will.
I miss her. I'm sad that she'll never see the person she helped me be.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my wedding day. Not that I want to be married right now, but talking with my friends who are planning their wedding I've realized how much I already know about my wedding day. I know what I like, what I want to see and who I want there. I know that I'm going to cry all day - that's just a given. But I think I'm going to sad just as much as I am happy. I just see these memories, but they aren't memories. Like I've already lived through it but it hasn't happened yet. I just see my cousin Rebecca hugging me and crying and me breaking down saying that I wish Nannie was here. And I can see Rebecca crying with me and telling me how proud Nan is of me and telling me everything I would want to hear from her.
I know I'm going to cry during the father-daughter dance because I know my Dad is going to cry and tell me how much he loves me and is proud of me. And I know that is probably the last time I'll ever hear that. And I'll cry because I know he doesn't mean it. And I'll cry because that breaks my heart.
I'll cry because somebody else's family is going to welcome me with open arms and I just can't wait to hear my future parents-in-law's speech. I want them to talk about the first time they met me, and how happy they am that their son chose me and I want them to talk about our happy future together. And while they are talking I want my husband to squeeze my hand and smile at me and laugh at me as I cry. And I want him to hug me and tell me he loves me.
I know I want flowers everywhere. And candles too. I want an open bar. I want to be by water. I want beautiful pictures in the sunset. And I want somebody who loves me for me and who wants a future with me.
And I want my Nannie to be with me that day. I want her to show me that she is watching and I want to know that she loves me. But what if she was with me on that day? What would she say to me? What would she say to me now? Would she be proud of me? Would she take me shopping? Would she be that person I told everything to again?
I think what I miss most was the locked vault. I told her everything and never worried about her judging me. And I miss that escape. I wish I could just get everything out of my head and trust one person to keep my secrets.
I love ya Nan. Always have and always will.
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