It's all for the best, isn't that how it always goes.
Was stuck in a never ending circle and I got out.
I'm stronger than I was yesterday, but not as strong as tomorrow.
Strong enough to say enough.
I can't deal with the ups and downs. It shouldn't be this hard.
Trust is a delecate thing. It can't be earned back if the cycle continues.
Love is faithfulness, kindness, respect and truthfulness. That is what love is.
Love does not exist without those four factors.
As painful as it is, to give myself a shot at happiness, I must move on.
One day this will all be one lovely dream.
And I quote: "With this pain in my chest, I still wish you the best"
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Its been a while since I posted, and to be honest, I didn't miss it. It wasn't until somebody asked me about my blog that I went, Oh, right!
A lot has changed in my life and I'm fighting to stay positive each and every day. One of the major milestones is that I need to seek help from an impartial, outside source in order to deal with my insecurities and trust issues. I don't think that I'm any less of a person because of it. It isn't my fault I have these problems - I've been a victim in situations that have damaged me. I never asked for it. And I know I will never be able to be fully healthy without conquering these demons. you go to a doctor if you're body is broken, you go to a dentist if your teeth are broken and you go to a councilor if your mind is broken.
I'm trying to have no expectations of this experience, however, I do hope that the councilor will be nice and understanding, as well as non-judgemental. I have dealt with enough judgement due to my decisions by my friends and family. I just want peace and harmony and I know this starts within me.
Another major milestone is that I've decided that I only want people around me who support me 100%. My life has been full of ups and downs in the past couple of years and I've weeded out some people who were not really on my side. I have no problem shutting that door if I feel it is necessary.
I guess that is all for now. Sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better. Growing pains I suppose.
A lot has changed in my life and I'm fighting to stay positive each and every day. One of the major milestones is that I need to seek help from an impartial, outside source in order to deal with my insecurities and trust issues. I don't think that I'm any less of a person because of it. It isn't my fault I have these problems - I've been a victim in situations that have damaged me. I never asked for it. And I know I will never be able to be fully healthy without conquering these demons. you go to a doctor if you're body is broken, you go to a dentist if your teeth are broken and you go to a councilor if your mind is broken.
I'm trying to have no expectations of this experience, however, I do hope that the councilor will be nice and understanding, as well as non-judgemental. I have dealt with enough judgement due to my decisions by my friends and family. I just want peace and harmony and I know this starts within me.
Another major milestone is that I've decided that I only want people around me who support me 100%. My life has been full of ups and downs in the past couple of years and I've weeded out some people who were not really on my side. I have no problem shutting that door if I feel it is necessary.
I guess that is all for now. Sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better. Growing pains I suppose.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Sometimes you just need to sit back and say, what the hell am I doing?
I'm not happy... why? What am I doing to perpetuate this unhappiness? What can I do to stop the stresses that are leading to unhappiness? What actions can I take to bring happiness into my life?
Life can generally be divided up into five categories. Life in general, relationships, career, family, health.
Life in General: Activities, hobbies, financials
Relationships: friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, networking, animals
Career: current job, future career projections and goals
Family: immediate family, extended family, in laws
Health: General feeling of health, doctor appointments, secondary doctor appointments including chiropractor, massage, dentist, optometrist
It's easy to isolate a feeling if you can pinpoint where the initial problem exists. From there it's easy to create a solution to integrate into your life.
SO... with all of this said, here is where my problems or stressers lay.
Life in General - General feeling of being displaced due to the recient move and change in cities. I have a good handle on my current debt but I see the value in paying down the large amounts faster. More money is going towards the principle and my interest payments are going down. However, I am still very heavily in debt.
Relationships - I am mourning the loss of two very good friends due to their choices and lifestyles. I am uncomfortable with my current romantic relationship.
Career - No real stressers here. It is more of an ongoing stresser to ensure that I am/can be/will be the best and to push my career forward.
Family - Ongoing underlying stresser with my Dad. Personality conflicts with cousins
Health - Feeling tired all of the time physically, not mentally. Intense sharp pains in my stomach when stressed. Uncomfortable in my body due to recent weight gain due to health issue.
So, how am I going to fix it. Obviously I am feeling not well, unhappy, dragged down and displaced. Here is what I plan to do.
Life in General - Feeling of being displaced - This will fade as I become more accustomed to my new environment and begin to form a regular pattern again. Once I get my own space and can have the things that make me comfortable around me, I will feel more at home. Continue on my debt repayment plan, but also make sure to put money aside for other things that will make me happy in the future, such as my RRSP, TFSA and a savings account.
Relationships - I am considering seeking out a therapist to discuss my feelings of abandonment in regards to my broken friendships. Perhaps this is an opportunity for me to explore the current friendships I have an to make an effort to hold those together as well. I feel like I do put in a lot of effort with my friends but I'm sure there is room for improvement. As for my current romantic relationship, it has been a bumpy ride. We really need to have some private time and have a heart to heart and see what each of us is looking for in a relationship and with their life and be brutally honest with each other to see if we do actually fit into each others lives. There is nothing wrong with fighting to save a relationship, but there also is nothing wrong with parting ways due to a lack of a future together. I respect him and if I don't fit into his goals and views for his future, and vice versa, then there is no point in continuing a relationship if it is just going to end. Might as well end it now while we can still be friendly, supportive and civil.
Career - I plan on just moving forward and attaining my goals.
Family - Perhaps this is another issue I can speak with a therapist about. I'm sure there are exercises I can do to help get rid of the negative feelings I house for my Dad. Unfortunately my relationships with some of my cousins just isn't worth working on. For others that I do have a positive, reciprocal relationship with, of course they are worth it.
Health - I am continuing to seek out medical treatment for the pain and weight gain. I am joining a gym before December and I plan on making a committed effort to exercise regularly. I am considering hiring a personal trainer to keep me motivated as that seems to be what holds me back. I am also seeing a Chiropractor to help with the pain in my back and a massage therapist to help reduce stress.
So I guess I still have a ways to go. I have some research to do in the way of a therapist and a gym. Once I get settled in my apartment I believe I will feel more settled with my life. And it is clear that I have some work ahead in the relationship department.
My goals in the next month are:
I'm not happy... why? What am I doing to perpetuate this unhappiness? What can I do to stop the stresses that are leading to unhappiness? What actions can I take to bring happiness into my life?
Life can generally be divided up into five categories. Life in general, relationships, career, family, health.
Life in General: Activities, hobbies, financials
Relationships: friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, networking, animals
Career: current job, future career projections and goals
Family: immediate family, extended family, in laws
Health: General feeling of health, doctor appointments, secondary doctor appointments including chiropractor, massage, dentist, optometrist
It's easy to isolate a feeling if you can pinpoint where the initial problem exists. From there it's easy to create a solution to integrate into your life.
SO... with all of this said, here is where my problems or stressers lay.
Life in General - General feeling of being displaced due to the recient move and change in cities. I have a good handle on my current debt but I see the value in paying down the large amounts faster. More money is going towards the principle and my interest payments are going down. However, I am still very heavily in debt.
Relationships - I am mourning the loss of two very good friends due to their choices and lifestyles. I am uncomfortable with my current romantic relationship.
Career - No real stressers here. It is more of an ongoing stresser to ensure that I am/can be/will be the best and to push my career forward.
Family - Ongoing underlying stresser with my Dad. Personality conflicts with cousins
Health - Feeling tired all of the time physically, not mentally. Intense sharp pains in my stomach when stressed. Uncomfortable in my body due to recent weight gain due to health issue.
So, how am I going to fix it. Obviously I am feeling not well, unhappy, dragged down and displaced. Here is what I plan to do.
Life in General - Feeling of being displaced - This will fade as I become more accustomed to my new environment and begin to form a regular pattern again. Once I get my own space and can have the things that make me comfortable around me, I will feel more at home. Continue on my debt repayment plan, but also make sure to put money aside for other things that will make me happy in the future, such as my RRSP, TFSA and a savings account.
Relationships - I am considering seeking out a therapist to discuss my feelings of abandonment in regards to my broken friendships. Perhaps this is an opportunity for me to explore the current friendships I have an to make an effort to hold those together as well. I feel like I do put in a lot of effort with my friends but I'm sure there is room for improvement. As for my current romantic relationship, it has been a bumpy ride. We really need to have some private time and have a heart to heart and see what each of us is looking for in a relationship and with their life and be brutally honest with each other to see if we do actually fit into each others lives. There is nothing wrong with fighting to save a relationship, but there also is nothing wrong with parting ways due to a lack of a future together. I respect him and if I don't fit into his goals and views for his future, and vice versa, then there is no point in continuing a relationship if it is just going to end. Might as well end it now while we can still be friendly, supportive and civil.
Career - I plan on just moving forward and attaining my goals.
Family - Perhaps this is another issue I can speak with a therapist about. I'm sure there are exercises I can do to help get rid of the negative feelings I house for my Dad. Unfortunately my relationships with some of my cousins just isn't worth working on. For others that I do have a positive, reciprocal relationship with, of course they are worth it.
Health - I am continuing to seek out medical treatment for the pain and weight gain. I am joining a gym before December and I plan on making a committed effort to exercise regularly. I am considering hiring a personal trainer to keep me motivated as that seems to be what holds me back. I am also seeing a Chiropractor to help with the pain in my back and a massage therapist to help reduce stress.
So I guess I still have a ways to go. I have some research to do in the way of a therapist and a gym. Once I get settled in my apartment I believe I will feel more settled with my life. And it is clear that I have some work ahead in the relationship department.
My goals in the next month are:
- To move into my apartment and set myself up.
- Seek out a gym and join
- Research therapists and what my benefits plan will cover
- Find activities in the community that will help me feel more at home (Sorority, cooking classes, fitness classes)
- Discuss relationship goals and access a future
My goals in the next 6 months are:
- Loose weight
- Plan for a promotion
- Take a vacation
- Pay down my debt by $3000
- Start a rainy day fund
- Re access relationship goals and future talk if necessary
My goals in the next year are:
- Plan a vacation every 6 months or so (cottage in the summer, somewhere hot in the winter) and put money aside to afford it.
- Begin the push for a promotion/increased salary
- Save $1000 to put into my TFSA
Saturday, August 28, 2010
As with everything, it's important to look ahead but also look behind. It's the night before my 25th Birthday. Well, technically I turn 25 in 38 minutes. Twenty Five... wow.
It's amazing how much has happened in 25 short years. I feel like I'm just getting started, but I've made it over the first couple of really big hills. I have accomplished a lot for somebody my age, and I consider myself lucky to be able to list those accomplishments. I recognize that what I have done is not a small feat, but instead, they are check marks on a bigger list that not many people have the opportunity to do.
It is scary to turn 25, and I have to admit that I am sitting here crying as I write this. But I can't decide if these tears are upset, scared or happy tears - maybe a mix of all three.
I told myself that I never want to regret anything, and maybe regret isn't the right word, but at this moment I can't think of anything that fits. I regret not enjoying everything. I feel like I rushed through life to get to that "check mark" and I missed the plot. I rushed through high school to get out of my parents place, I rushed through University to get to Grad school so I could tell people that I have a University degree and am in Grad school. I rushed through Grad school because I was tired of being broke and wanted to do something real. I rushed through my Internship because I thought I was better than being "the intern" and I wanted to prove myself. Now I've rushed through my first year of real world work, and what do I have to show? Just a lot of rushed experiences, a couple pieces of very expensive paper and I still have the attitude that I'm better than this.
So now that I can officially call myself older and wiser than the younger me (because I'm no longer in my early twenties), I'm going to make a vow to myself. I vow to push myself every day to be better than I am. I vow to stop and enjoy life every day. I vow to be nicer to myself and to others. I vow to not take life so seriously.
So, in order to make myself feel a bit better, here is a list of everything I've accomplished in 25 short years:
I vow to not let these times get away from me. Life is a journey and I'm excited to see where it takes me.
It's amazing how much has happened in 25 short years. I feel like I'm just getting started, but I've made it over the first couple of really big hills. I have accomplished a lot for somebody my age, and I consider myself lucky to be able to list those accomplishments. I recognize that what I have done is not a small feat, but instead, they are check marks on a bigger list that not many people have the opportunity to do.
It is scary to turn 25, and I have to admit that I am sitting here crying as I write this. But I can't decide if these tears are upset, scared or happy tears - maybe a mix of all three.
I told myself that I never want to regret anything, and maybe regret isn't the right word, but at this moment I can't think of anything that fits. I regret not enjoying everything. I feel like I rushed through life to get to that "check mark" and I missed the plot. I rushed through high school to get out of my parents place, I rushed through University to get to Grad school so I could tell people that I have a University degree and am in Grad school. I rushed through Grad school because I was tired of being broke and wanted to do something real. I rushed through my Internship because I thought I was better than being "the intern" and I wanted to prove myself. Now I've rushed through my first year of real world work, and what do I have to show? Just a lot of rushed experiences, a couple pieces of very expensive paper and I still have the attitude that I'm better than this.
So now that I can officially call myself older and wiser than the younger me (because I'm no longer in my early twenties), I'm going to make a vow to myself. I vow to push myself every day to be better than I am. I vow to stop and enjoy life every day. I vow to be nicer to myself and to others. I vow to not take life so seriously.
So, in order to make myself feel a bit better, here is a list of everything I've accomplished in 25 short years:
- I have been a very good big sister and helped to raise two excellent little brothers
- I have helped my parents reach their dream of running a successful business
- I have made one life long friend
- I have graduated from Elementary School and High school on time
- I have earned a University Degree
- I have earned a Post-Secondary Certificate in the field that I chose
- I have made a name for myself in my community doing something I love
- I have been there for many friends when they needed me
- I have bought my first car
- I have taken a vacation for myself
- I have adopted and taken care of a wonderful dog
- I have lived by myself
- I have been responsible for myself financially
- I have fallen in love, and had my heart broken more than once
- I have taken many chances
I vow to not let these times get away from me. Life is a journey and I'm excited to see where it takes me.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friends come and go. Relationships are hard and easily die. With the death of something, there are always people left behind feelings get hurt. This year has been a difficult one for me because I've come to realize that I don't have that many good friends.
There are many different kinds of friends. Ones that you hang out with when you have nothing else to do, ones you make time for and ones that will always have your back.
I've learned who I am, who I want to be and how to get there through my friends. I never really got it when I was younger that your "best friends forever" never really stay that way. Friendship is really based on life stages. It's impossible to maintain a friendship if each party is in a different life stage. I learned this the hard way when I went to University and my "BFF's" stayed in Barrie making babies and working at Walmart. I learned this again when I went to Seneca and my "BFF's" got jobs and entered the real world. You would think that the second time is a charm, but again, I've learned when I entered the real world and life got busy.
The death of a friendship is hard and I've been carrying these hardships with me for months. I need to get them off my shoulders.
Caitlin
Katelyn
Angela
Jealousy, selfishness and anger all played a part in the death of these relationships. I guess you find out who your real friends are when you become successful. It's surprising how many people get off on holding you down.
There are many different kinds of friends. Ones that you hang out with when you have nothing else to do, ones you make time for and ones that will always have your back.
I've learned who I am, who I want to be and how to get there through my friends. I never really got it when I was younger that your "best friends forever" never really stay that way. Friendship is really based on life stages. It's impossible to maintain a friendship if each party is in a different life stage. I learned this the hard way when I went to University and my "BFF's" stayed in Barrie making babies and working at Walmart. I learned this again when I went to Seneca and my "BFF's" got jobs and entered the real world. You would think that the second time is a charm, but again, I've learned when I entered the real world and life got busy.
The death of a friendship is hard and I've been carrying these hardships with me for months. I need to get them off my shoulders.
Caitlin
Katelyn
Angela
Jealousy, selfishness and anger all played a part in the death of these relationships. I guess you find out who your real friends are when you become successful. It's surprising how many people get off on holding you down.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43 now at $14,228.43. Difference of $200
Mastercard - $10,056.06 now at $8122.66. Difference of $1933.40
OSAP - $6,378.08 now at $6,292.66. Difference of $85.42
Since I started my quest to end my debt, I've paid off $2218.82 - and counting!
It feels great to be in control. These numbers are still way too high, but slowly they are coming down.
Mastercard - $10,056.06 now at $8122.66. Difference of $1933.40
OSAP - $6,378.08 now at $6,292.66. Difference of $85.42
Since I started my quest to end my debt, I've paid off $2218.82 - and counting!
It feels great to be in control. These numbers are still way too high, but slowly they are coming down.
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