The Complex World of Kelly

2011-05-25T11:28:00.002-05:00

It's all for the best, isn't that how it always goes.
Was stuck in a never ending circle and I got out.
I'm stronger than I was yesterday, but not as strong as tomorrow.
Strong enough to say enough.
I can't deal with the ups and downs. It shouldn't be this hard.
Trust is a delecate thing. It can't be earned back if the cycle continues.
Love is faithfulness, kindness, respect and truthfulness. That is what love is.
Love does not exist without those four factors.
As painful as it is, to give myself a shot at happiness, I must move on.
One day this will all be one lovely dream.

And I quote: "With this pain in my chest, I still wish you the best"

2011-03-08T09:06:00.002-06:00

Its been a while since I posted, and to be honest, I didn't miss it. It wasn't until somebody asked me about my blog that I went, Oh, right!

A lot has changed in my life and I'm fighting to stay positive each and every day. One of the major milestones is that I need to seek help from an impartial, outside source in order to deal with my insecurities and trust issues. I don't think that I'm any less of a person because of it. It isn't my fault I have these problems - I've been a victim in situations that have damaged me. I never asked for it. And I know I will never be able to be fully healthy without conquering these demons. you go to a doctor if you're body is broken, you go to a dentist if your teeth are broken and you go to a councilor if your mind is broken.

I'm trying to have no expectations of this experience, however, I do hope that the councilor will be nice and understanding, as well as non-judgemental. I have dealt with enough judgement due to my decisions by my friends and family. I just want peace and harmony and I know this starts within me.

Another major milestone is that I've decided that I only want people around me who support me 100%. My life has been full of ups and downs in the past couple of years and I've weeded out some people who were not really on my side. I have no problem shutting that door if I feel it is necessary.

I guess that is all for now. Sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better. Growing pains I suppose.

2010-11-03T14:16:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you just need to sit back and say, what the hell am I doing?

I'm not happy... why? What am I doing to perpetuate this unhappiness? What can I do to stop the stresses that are leading to unhappiness? What actions can I take to bring happiness into my life?

Life can generally be divided up into five categories. Life in general, relationships, career, family, health.

Life in General: Activities, hobbies, financials

Relationships: friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, networking, animals

Career: current job, future career projections and goals

Family: immediate family, extended family, in laws

Health: General feeling of health, doctor appointments, secondary doctor appointments including chiropractor, massage, dentist, optometrist

It's easy to isolate a feeling if you can pinpoint where the initial problem exists. From there it's easy to create a solution to integrate into your life.

SO... with all of this said, here is where my problems or stressers lay.

Life in General - General feeling of being displaced due to the recient move and change in cities. I have a good handle on my current debt but I see the value in paying down the large amounts faster. More money is going towards the principle and my interest payments are going down. However, I am still very heavily in debt.

Relationships - I am mourning the loss of two very good friends due to their choices and lifestyles. I am uncomfortable with my current romantic relationship.

Career - No real stressers here. It is more of an ongoing stresser to ensure that I am/can be/will be the best and to push my career forward.

Family - Ongoing underlying stresser with my Dad. Personality conflicts with cousins

Health - Feeling tired all of the time physically, not mentally. Intense sharp pains in my stomach when stressed. Uncomfortable in my body due to recent weight gain due to health issue.

So, how am I going to fix it. Obviously I am feeling not well, unhappy, dragged down and displaced. Here is what I plan to do.

Life in General - Feeling of being displaced - This will fade as I become more accustomed to my new environment and begin to form a regular pattern again. Once I get my own space and can have the things that make me comfortable around me, I will feel more at home. Continue on my debt repayment plan, but also make sure to put money aside for other things that will make me happy in the future, such as my RRSP, TFSA and a savings account.

Relationships - I am considering seeking out a therapist to discuss my feelings of abandonment in regards to my broken friendships. Perhaps this is an opportunity for me to explore the current friendships I have an to make an effort to hold those together as well. I feel like I do put in a lot of effort with my friends but I'm sure there is room for improvement. As for my current romantic relationship, it has been a bumpy ride. We really need to have some private time and have a heart to heart and see what each of us is looking for in a relationship and with their life and be brutally honest with each other to see if we do actually fit into each others lives. There is nothing wrong with fighting to save a relationship, but there also is nothing wrong with parting ways due to a lack of a future together. I respect him and if I don't fit into his goals and views for his future, and vice versa, then there is no point in continuing a relationship if it is just going to end. Might as well end it now while we can still be friendly, supportive and civil.

Career - I plan on just moving forward and attaining my goals.

Family - Perhaps this is another issue I can speak with a therapist about. I'm sure there are exercises I can do to help get rid of the negative feelings I house for my Dad. Unfortunately my relationships with some of my cousins just isn't worth working on. For others that I do have a positive, reciprocal relationship with, of course they are worth it.

Health - I am continuing to seek out medical treatment for the pain and weight gain. I am joining a gym before December and I plan on making a committed effort to exercise regularly. I am considering hiring a personal trainer to keep me motivated as that seems to be what holds me back. I am also seeing a Chiropractor to help with the pain in my back and a massage therapist to help reduce stress.

So I guess I still have a ways to go. I have some research to do in the way of a therapist and a gym. Once I get settled in my apartment I believe I will feel more settled with my life. And it is clear that I have some work ahead in the relationship department.

My goals in the next month are:

To move into my apartment and set myself up.
Seek out a gym and join
Research therapists and what my benefits plan will cover
Find activities in the community that will help me feel more at home (Sorority, cooking classes, fitness classes)
Discuss relationship goals and access a future

My goals in the next 6 months are:

Loose weight
Plan for a promotion
Take a vacation
Pay down my debt by $3000
Start a rainy day fund
Re access relationship goals and future talk if necessary

My goals in the next year are:

Plan a vacation every 6 months or so (cottage in the summer, somewhere hot in the winter) and put money aside to afford it.
Begin the push for a promotion/increased salary
Save $1000 to put into my TFSA

2010-08-28T22:20:00.002-05:00

As with everything, it's important to look ahead but also look behind. It's the night before my 25th Birthday. Well, technically I turn 25 in 38 minutes. Twenty Five... wow.

It's amazing how much has happened in 25 short years. I feel like I'm just getting started, but I've made it over the first couple of really big hills. I have accomplished a lot for somebody my age, and I consider myself lucky to be able to list those accomplishments. I recognize that what I have done is not a small feat, but instead, they are check marks on a bigger list that not many people have the opportunity to do.

It is scary to turn 25, and I have to admit that I am sitting here crying as I write this. But I can't decide if these tears are upset, scared or happy tears - maybe a mix of all three.

I told myself that I never want to regret anything, and maybe regret isn't the right word, but at this moment I can't think of anything that fits. I regret not enjoying everything. I feel like I rushed through life to get to that "check mark" and I missed the plot. I rushed through high school to get out of my parents place, I rushed through University to get to Grad school so I could tell people that I have a University degree and am in Grad school. I rushed through Grad school because I was tired of being broke and wanted to do something real. I rushed through my Internship because I thought I was better than being "the intern" and I wanted to prove myself. Now I've rushed through my first year of real world work, and what do I have to show? Just a lot of rushed experiences, a couple pieces of very expensive paper and I still have the attitude that I'm better than this.

So now that I can officially call myself older and wiser than the younger me (because I'm no longer in my early twenties), I'm going to make a vow to myself. I vow to push myself every day to be better than I am. I vow to stop and enjoy life every day. I vow to be nicer to myself and to others. I vow to not take life so seriously.

So, in order to make myself feel a bit better, here is a list of everything I've accomplished in 25 short years:

I have been a very good big sister and helped to raise two excellent little brothers
I have helped my parents reach their dream of running a successful business
I have made one life long friend
I have graduated from Elementary School and High school on time
I have earned a University Degree
I have earned a Post-Secondary Certificate in the field that I chose
I have made a name for myself in my community doing something I love
I have been there for many friends when they needed me
I have bought my first car
I have taken a vacation for myself
I have adopted and taken care of a wonderful dog
I have lived by myself
I have been responsible for myself financially
I have fallen in love, and had my heart broken more than once
I have taken many chances

As much as I hate knowing that those years are behind me, I know that I have some more huge milestones coming up. Watching my friends get married and have babies, buying a house, getting engaged, planning my own wedding, having a baby myself, getting my dream job...

I vow to not let these times get away from me. Life is a journey and I'm excited to see where it takes me.

2010-06-19T21:34:00.003-05:00

Friends come and go. Relationships are hard and easily die. With the death of something, there are always people left behind feelings get hurt. This year has been a difficult one for me because I've come to realize that I don't have that many good friends.

There are many different kinds of friends. Ones that you hang out with when you have nothing else to do, ones you make time for and ones that will always have your back.

I've learned who I am, who I want to be and how to get there through my friends. I never really got it when I was younger that your "best friends forever" never really stay that way. Friendship is really based on life stages. It's impossible to maintain a friendship if each party is in a different life stage. I learned this the hard way when I went to University and my "BFF's" stayed in Barrie making babies and working at Walmart. I learned this again when I went to Seneca and my "BFF's" got jobs and entered the real world. You would think that the second time is a charm, but again, I've learned when I entered the real world and life got busy.

The death of a friendship is hard and I've been carrying these hardships with me for months. I need to get them off my shoulders.

Caitlin
Katelyn
Angela

Jealousy, selfishness and anger all played a part in the death of these relationships. I guess you find out who your real friends are when you become successful. It's surprising how many people get off on holding you down.

2010-06-19T21:27:00.002-05:00

"It's plain to see that, baby you're beautiful, and theres nothing wrong with you.
It's me, I'm a freak. But thanks for loving me, cause you're doing it perfectly.
There might have been a time when I would let you slip away.
I wouldn't even try but I think you could save my life..."

2010-05-12T17:00:00.002-05:00

TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43 now at $14,228.43. Difference of $200
Mastercard - $10,056.06 now at $8122.66. Difference of $1933.40
OSAP - $6,378.08 now at $6,292.66. Difference of $85.42

Since I started my quest to end my debt, I've paid off $2218.82 - and counting!

It feels great to be in control. These numbers are still way too high, but slowly they are coming down.

2010-05-12T14:17:00.003-05:00

What goes around, comes around.

Well, as I said last week, I firmly believe in Karma. If you send positive energy out there, you will receive positive energy in return.

I spent my last $70 on a man I had never met before so he could go home and visit his daughter. This week, just days later, I get an e-mail from my Mom saying that my parents were talking and they want to help me out with some of my debt repayment - to the tune of $1500.

Holy

Crap

Just to clarify, this came out of nowhere. I have not mentioned money to my parents at all in the past month or so. I have been doing well for myself and keeping up with my payments. They just decided to do this as a gift. A really BIG gift.

So there you have it folks, what goes around, comes around. Be nice to others, and others will be nice to you.

2010-05-10T14:52:00.002-05:00

What am I doing? I feel out of control. I'm second guessing my decisions. I feel numb.

I usually know what the right decision is because my emotions tell me so. I usually have such an overwhelming feeling of right or wrong it's obvious. But I don't know this time. I think I've been damaged to the point where my emotional nerves have been paralyzed. I'm lost without my emotional compass.

Talking about Shea last night gave me the chills. It's been a secret I've held inside of me, thought about on a daily basis, kept inside of me... then suddenly it was coming out of my mouth. My little secret. I feel kind of guilty in a way because I've held it in for so long.

But then you talked about her, like she was a part of your life too. In your day dreams, your imagination. I'm not alone. There's something comforting in that.

I'm always going to wonder, "what if..."

2010-05-07T19:45:00.003-05:00

Life is different. I'm not sure if it's better or worse - just different.

I make plans for me. I do what I want to. I make dinner for one. I wake up alone, I go to bed alone.

I vow to make life what I want it to be. And this is what I want:

A career that is going someplace
A man who adores me
A well behaved dog

I want a man who:

Takes care of himself and takes care of me
Is thoughtful
Thinks about "us" instead of just me or just him
Values a relationship
Is loyal, faithful, and respectful
Is charming
Loves me for me
Knows how to communicate
Can be happy with just one woman
Is honest, regardless of the consequences
Is able to commit
Has life goals
Supports himself

2010-05-07T15:46:00.002-05:00

I stayed late at work yesterday. I just couldn't bring myself to go home. I cried the entire way to work on the subway and not one person asked me if I was OK or offered me a tissue. I didn't want to face that cold world again feeling the way I was.

Around 7 I gathered up my things and left, hoping that I missed the rush and I could get home unnoticed. There was a man just a couple years older than me at the entrance to the subway station - he had a sign that read "Need bus fare to go home. I'm sorry. There is no other way."

His face looked like how I felt. I instantly connected with him and my heart went out to him. I didn't have any cash on me, but then I remembered that I had $5 in my purse that I had taken out on Saturday for Tom. I put it in his cup and the look he gave me broke my heart. He was crying. He was clearly embarrassed that he was begging. He looked me in the eye and said, thank-you, I'm trying to get home to see my daughter. I really appreciate it.

I sat down next to him and asked him where he was going and he told me his life story. The bus station was just around the corner so I told him to come with me. I walked with him to the bus station and bought him a ticket to Ottawa.

I used my grocery money to buy that ticket - but he needed it more than I did.

I fully believe in Karma. What goes around, comes around. And as selfish as this sounds, it made me feel better as a person to be able to change somebody's life like that. So maybe, one day, when I just need somebody to sit down and talk to me and help me get where I need to go, somebody will be there.

2010-05-04T20:33:00.002-05:00

The little butterflies are there again. Very small, but still a nice reminder that not all hope is lost. The text messages in the morning are a wonderful reminder that I am still attractive. I'm smiling again, through my pain.

If he could find somebody to talk to on POF, so can I, and I have.

So far only one has given me small butterflies, but I'm positive that is going to change.

The power of positive thinking changes everything.

2010-05-02T07:20:00.002-05:00

To be single, or not to be single, that is the question.

I love being in a relationship. The idea that there is one person who will be there for me and I can tell everything to is delightful. Somebody I can share my stress with, and my hopes and fears and goals. Somebody whose been with me the whole way and knows how big each milestone is. There is such intimacy that comes with knowledge of another person's life.

On the flip side, a bad relationship seems to suck the life out of you. A relationship when you can't trust what the other person is saying. How great can those life milestones be if you aren't sure that the other person even cares? How can you share your hopes, feelings or goals when you aren't certain that person will keep that knowledge a secret? What is the point?

How can it survive when one person is so selfish, they'd rather talk to 16 other women out of boredom when they realize that it will hurt you? But they'll do it anyways because everything is about them, you just fit in when they have nothing else to do. It's all for show.

Yes, he has this great girlfriend who cooks dinner for all of his friends. Always takes an interest in his friends lives and is nothing but pleasant to them? On the outside, everything is perfect. But the minute this great girlfriend leaves, the computer calls him. Maybe he likes the anonymity. Maybe he likes that he can be anybody he wants to be, an employed, Laurier football player who is responsible enough to buy a house and take care of his own dog. Maybe he likes the reaction he gets from these women. Maybe it's a ego boost. Maybe he doesn't see that there is a woman who liked him for who he was. He always has to be somebody he's not.

Obviously he sees that he's not living up to his potential, and in order to feed that need to be accepted, he's creating an alter ego. The problem is, his alter ego is not who he is. And his alter ego is going to lose the woman he loves, the woman who accepts him for who he is.

If he's so unhappy with his life that he needs to create an alternate life online, then he can't possibly be happy with me. So maybe it would be in every body's best interest for him to go on with his alternate universe and receive the praise he obviously feels that he deserves. And for me to continue living on in the present and concentrate on my career, losing weight and being happy. Just me, all alone. Just me. And Lexie, of course.

2010-04-18T18:24:00.003-05:00

It feels great to be in control. In control of my career, in control of my emotions, in control of my finances. I feel like many many weights have been lifted off of my shoulders.

TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43 now at $14,278.43
Mastercard - $10,056.06 now at $9,258.14
OSAP - $6,378.08

And I'm sitting with over $500 in the bank. I still have some bills to pay, but there are groceries in the kitchen and a roof over my head.

And I had a wonderful weekend. Even though I was not feeling that great, I still feel happy from the inside out.

2010-04-14T10:47:00.002-05:00

Happy 200th post to me!

Well Momma comes through again. With a generous donation to the poor Kelly fund, my Mom has brought my Mastercard debt down to $9,908.14!

Stay tuned on Friday when I finally get paid and will be able to pay this debt off even more.

Anticipated income this month:
Pay Cheque: 1,064.66 times 2 = $2129.32
Reimbursements for benefits: $97 + $40 + $87 = $224
Income Tax Refund: $1339.28
May rent from Jenna: $500
Tom Repayment: $100

Which all equals... drum roll please....
$4292.60

Minus out rent for May ($950) =$3342.60
Minus out MetroPass ($110) = $3232.60
Minus out food budget ($250) = $2982.60
Minus out entertainment (cause I'd like to treat my hunny to a movie/dinner. $100) = $2882.60
Minus out gas for my car ($60) = $2822.60

So all in all, I will have around $2822.60 to go towards my debt repayment this month, which is pretty sweet! I defiantly need to take advantage of this increase this month, however, with the extra money I am receiving I will be spending more on food to stock up my shelves/freezer while I have the cash so if I have another slim month, I'll at least be able to eat.

Since I've been writing all of this down, I'm feeling really good about it. Even though my debt is over $30,000, I can see an ending in sight. It is shocking me to see that even an extra $11 a month can cut off one full year of payments.

Plus, I'm lined up to get a raise this month which will be back dated to April 1. So even though it will only be a little amount I'll be getting at once, I'm going to use that money to treat myself to something nice.

There was one set back this month. I now owe my Mom money as well. $700 for the cottage for a week and York University has come after us for unpaid parking tickets. Even though its been over a year since I went there. Anyways, it is over $1000 so once I get that final sum, I can add it to my debt. yay....

2010-04-12T08:52:00.002-05:00

I'm going to turn this into a game. Lets see if I can 'beat the bank' and pay down my loans faster than they said I could. Lets see if I can save myself hundreds in interest.

Here's how I'm going to do it.

Tax refund - $1339.28
$1000 is going onto my credit card. If I continue to pay my monthly payments of $200 after that, it will take me around 4.5 years to pay off my debt. That is taking 3.5 years off of my debt repayment.
$339.28 is going on my TD line of Credit. This brings my total down to $14089.15. If I continue to pay $150 a month after that, it will take me just under 8 years to pay off. Not as spectacular but it does knock a couple months off.

OSAP- Current monthly payment - $88.15
If I pay $11.85 more a month, I take my loan repayment down from 86 months (7.16 years) to 74 months (6.16 years) and save myself $163.44 in interest.

So all in all, this plan is going to take roughly 4.1 years off of my total repayment which sounds pretty sweet to me.

Next step... get a raise/better paying job/second job and throw that money on my credit card to get it down to a more reasonable level.

2010-04-10T12:36:00.002-05:00

I need a change. I feel trapped. I need to feel free again.

TD Student Line of Credit - $14,428.43
Current payment -$150 a month
Interest rate - 3.25% (roughly $44.03 a month)
Started at $15,000. $571.57 paid down since November
Will take around 8 years to pay off with current payments.

Mastercard - $10,056.06
Current payment - Whatever I can spare. Usually around $200 a month
Interest rate - 19% (Roughly $172.94 a month)
Will take around 8 years to pay off with current payments

OSAP - $6,378.08
Current payment - $88.15 a month
Interest rate - $4.75% ($25.73 a month)
Started at $6683.88. $305.80 paid down since November
Will take around 6 years to pay off with current payments

This means I'm paying $438.15 a month in debt repayment. With $242.70 a month in interest payments. I'm paying only $195.45 a month directly to my debt, the rest is interest payments. How can I get ahead with that?
I need to pay these down in order to feel in control. This means I need to up my payments. The more I pay down, the less my interest payments will be.

How can I do this? I'm living dollar to dollar now. Soon I'll be without a car and will have to pay for transportation. How can I do this?

I need a change. And fast.

2010-04-05T20:16:00.002-05:00

There's something comfortable about the thought. Something scary. Something happy and something worrying.

There are many things that need to happen first.

Get a job in the Kitchener area
Have him ask me
Decide that it is the right time to move in
Talk with my parents about it
Talk with his parents about it
Discuss where to live
Finalize furniture placement/sell unneeded furniture

If he wants me to move into his current house, this needs to happen:

Discuss changing the house to suit us.
Find the money to make those changes
Discuss the current/future roommate situation

I'm actually excited about the prospect of moving. I think I'd be more excited about going and looking at places for us to live together. His house might work for us for a little while but we would not be happy there for a long while. I can see us in a three story house with a modernized flair. A large bedroom with an en suite bathroom - stand up shower AND a soaker tub. A walk in closet. At least one extra bedroom, if not two. A backyard with grass and a deck, maybe a little garden that I can plant flowers in. An open concept kitchen with an island. A basement with a bathroom.

Ah to dream, right?

Concern #1, prep the parents so that IF I get a job there and IF he asks me to move in and IF we decide that it is the right time, there will be less stress/questions. Cause we all know I don't deal with change well when everything is going right in my life, I can only imagine how upset I'll be if I don't have peace in other aspects of my life.

2010-03-28T20:30:00.002-05:00

Our lives don't mesh. He likes to stay up late, I go to bed early. I like peace and quiet, his house is always busy and loud. I like order and planning, he goes where the wind blows him. I like to cook dinner and make my lunch every day for work, he never has food in the house.

If I move in with him, I'll have to bend to the way he lives his life because he would be my landlord, its his house, his rules. He could throw me out at any moment for no reason because he can.

I can just see me coming home from work, a house full of guys in the living room. All I'll be able to say is hello, take my dog for a walk, make dinner and go to bed. That Hello will be the extent of our conversations. We talk more now when we're apart than I can see us doing if we lived together. I would get up before him, probably be out the door before he wakes up. Yes we'll see each other all the time, but we'll grow apart very quickly.

The guys girlfriends will think I'm snobby or rude because they don't work the same hours I do and when they are just getting their day started, I'll be winding mine down and going to bed.

I don't think he's ready to give up some things that he does that would make me more comfortable if we were to live together. And I think he would resent me if that situation happened.

He always says he likes his things around him, so I wonder how he would react with my things around him as well. I'm a smart girl. How could I justify getting rid of my things to move in with somebody who has the power to kick me out at any minute?

2010-03-15T20:21:00.002-05:00

Am I always going to wonder 'what if?'

I miss her. I'm sad that she'll never see the person she helped me be.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my wedding day. Not that I want to be married right now, but talking with my friends who are planning their wedding I've realized how much I already know about my wedding day. I know what I like, what I want to see and who I want there. I know that I'm going to cry all day - that's just a given. But I think I'm going to sad just as much as I am happy. I just see these memories, but they aren't memories. Like I've already lived through it but it hasn't happened yet. I just see my cousin Rebecca hugging me and crying and me breaking down saying that I wish Nannie was here. And I can see Rebecca crying with me and telling me how proud Nan is of me and telling me everything I would want to hear from her.

I know I'm going to cry during the father-daughter dance because I know my Dad is going to cry and tell me how much he loves me and is proud of me. And I know that is probably the last time I'll ever hear that. And I'll cry because I know he doesn't mean it. And I'll cry because that breaks my heart.

I'll cry because somebody else's family is going to welcome me with open arms and I just can't wait to hear my future parents-in-law's speech. I want them to talk about the first time they met me, and how happy they am that their son chose me and I want them to talk about our happy future together. And while they are talking I want my husband to squeeze my hand and smile at me and laugh at me as I cry. And I want him to hug me and tell me he loves me.

I know I want flowers everywhere. And candles too. I want an open bar. I want to be by water. I want beautiful pictures in the sunset. And I want somebody who loves me for me and who wants a future with me.

And I want my Nannie to be with me that day. I want her to show me that she is watching and I want to know that she loves me. But what if she was with me on that day? What would she say to me? What would she say to me now? Would she be proud of me? Would she take me shopping? Would she be that person I told everything to again?

I think what I miss most was the locked vault. I told her everything and never worried about her judging me. And I miss that escape. I wish I could just get everything out of my head and trust one person to keep my secrets.

I love ya Nan. Always have and always will.

2010-03-03T19:38:00.002-06:00

Dear Tamara,

I appreciate your constructive criticism and your willingness to point out my flaws and where I can improve, however, I would appreciate it if, in the future, you could provide me with those criticism's in private.

I believe that I am a good, hardworking employee. I have been an asset to your team and I don't believe that you see that. I have provided critical support to the other team members and I have produced many valuable pieces of literature that has gone to print and has been met with nothing but praise from other members of the executive team. I've also increased your social media presence 400% in a short three months, which is impressive considering what your team was able to do in the prior 11 months. I've taken on extra responsibilities from my fellow co-workers in order to lighten their load. I've done so much overtime that I've banked two full days extra of vacation time. By these standards, it appears that I am a very helpful and dedicated employee.

I realize your boss gave you a hard time today because of an assignment you gave me, and I realize that maybe I could have done more on that e-blast, but as a new employee, it is very difficult to understand the nuances and inner workings of different departments. It is also very difficult to write about something that I knew nothing about and with no support, I had to do a lot of the research myself. I apologize if I did not get everything exactly correct as you would have, but that is the reason why I sent you those countless e-mails and tracked you down to ask questions. Unfortunately you were too busy to answer any of my e-mails and always brushed me aside and never answered my questions. So I was left to my own devices, which apparently don't measure up to your expectations.

I felt that, although I do not know everything there is to know about this company, any of my wording choices or information included would be corrected in the rigorous editing process I requested. As you can tell, I was not confident in my work or else I would have never e-mailed you many times asking for clarification and I wouldn't have asked four people to edit it before it came to you.

Maybe it's my fault for assuming that my co-workers would do their job. I guess that is my fault. But above all, when it finally made its way to you, I figured that as the VP of Brand Management, you would have an understanding of the type of image you want to project. And seeing that you are constantly in meetings with other members of the senior management team which is why you couldn't answer my e-mails or meet with me in the first place, I just assumed you knew what was going on in the other departments. My bad.

All this considered, you OK'ed this e-blast and asked for it to be sent to the CEO for final approval. For something "so shitty" as you put it, why would you put your final approval on it?

For your information, all of those "mistakes" and "errors" were done by the rest of your team - including yourself. It is very unfair to place the blame squarely on my shoulders when I asked for help and was ignored. It is not my fault that you approved something that was not up to the company's standards. We are supposed to be a team. That means when one person doesn't have the skills of knowledge, the other team members pick up the slack. I guess it was my fault for believing my co-workers when they made changes to my work. So while I accept my part in this problem, I believe you should acknowledge your part in this as well.

All this said, I do appreciate your constructive criticism, but next time, can you please approach me in private. I am working too hard at gaining respect in the office since I am the new kid, and you embarrassed me immensely. I have defiantly lost credibility with my co-workers, except for the few who sent me a private message telling me that it was OK and that you were out of line. As a team leader, you should be very concerned with team moral and right now, you are bringing down your team. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who has lost faith in this company and I believe that very soon you will find yourself short a couple of your key employees, and where will that lead you? If you are too busy to have a conversation about content, and your content writer leaves, who will write the content for you?

Yes I'm the new kid on the block, but you need me. You don't see what I have done and what I can do. You just see your mistake and you blamed it on me. I'll show you what I can do, and you will regret your decision to take your frustrations out on me when you are left alone.

With respect,

Kelly

2010-03-01T19:17:00.002-06:00

I can't believe how much I hate him. And I can't believe how different my life would be if he wasn't in my life. And I can't see a future without him. But I hate him so much. I hate what he stands for, his beliefs, values and manners.

But I can't see major milestones in my life without him there. I want him to walk me down the isle when I get married, I want to see him fall asleep on the couch holding his first grandchild.

I want him to tell me he's proud of me and he loves me. But he never does. He gave me a rose for Valentines day because if he didn't, he would have looked like an ass hole because he's done it for so long. It didn't mean anything to me because I knew it was faked love.

I know I wouldn't be as successful as I am today because the only reason I pushed myself so hard was to impress him or to get him to notice me. I just wanted to hear "I'm proud of you" and it's never come.

I wonder if my Mom ever regretted choosing him to be the father of her children. How can you tell if somebody would make a good father? I've seen some guys be great to their girlfriends then leave the moment things get tough when their child is born. I've also seen shady guys become great parents. So what is it? Have a guy that treats you like shit so that he treats your kids good, or have a guy that treats you great and leaves you a single mother? I don't know.

How can one man change the life of one person so much. Maybe I am searching for something he was lacking in my relationships. Or maybe I'm searching for somebody who treats me exactly the same what he did.

And maybe that's why I can't say goodbye. I'm used to the abuse. I don't think I deserve to be treated better. That's what my psychologist said. I am currently searching for a man who treats me like my Dad does because that's all I know. But knowing how miserable I am with my relationship with my Dad, that means I am just bound to be unhappy in any relationship I choose. I'm destined to be upset until I change my way of thinking.

Here we go Kelly. You deserve to have a man who loves you, faults and all. You deserve a man who respects you. You deserve a man who is honest, loving and faithful to you. You deserve a man who can communicate with you. You deserve a man who is not the same as your Father. You deserve a real man, not a man who can't measure up to the person he's projected himself to be.

2010-02-20T09:38:00.002-06:00

Will this work? I don't know.

The distance hurts. I'm stuck here, he's stubborn and won't move. It's all on my shoulders to make the move but how do I know when I give up my life here, change jobs, find an apartment there, move to a city where I have no friends anymore... how do I know that it will be better? If thus far is any indication as to how the rest of our relationship will be, I'd be the biggest idiot in the world to move there.

He's busy every night. Any chance he has to integrate his friends with me, he doesn't. So how do I know that I'm not going to be saved for the midnight bootie calls and one night a week dates. It would be practically the same. So whats the point in giving up my life for a bad relationship?

This is not how a relationship should be. I should not put up with being called a Bitch, and being told to Fuck Off when I get angry with his fuck ups. Obviously he hates me, why else would somebody be so mean. So whats the point? He hates me, I'm angry with him. We're both just being toxic to each other. Maybe this is just the end.

I just don't have the fight in me anymore. I should be respected, not disrespected. I should be loved, not hated. I should feel happy, not sad all the time. I should feel wanted.

I just..... don't know anymore.

2010-02-19T15:56:00.002-06:00

I'm so angry. I can just feel it boiling up inside of me. Sometimes I let it get the best of me and let it all out. Unfortunately that is the only way I've been able to find to make myself feel better. I just don't know if he's for real. I always get sucked back into this little game he's playing because he promises it will be better, different, perfect. And that lasts about a week. I feel like the only time he's anywhere close to the man he claims he is, is when I find out something bad about him and he's on damage control.

Don't promise me you'll see me more when you cancel our date or don't make a date to begin with. Don't tell me you won't lie to me when you still do. Don't tell me you'll be open and honest with me when I have to pry information out of you. And don't tell me you're a good man when you know you aren't.

Just be honest about yourself. YOU'VE indicated you want to change, but what are you doing about it? Trusting other people to make you a better person? And for those three hours a week they have control over you... well what about the rest of the week when you have control of you? What do you do to make you a better man?

I'm not perfect, I'm far from it. But when I make a goal, I stick to it. It doesn't matter if I'll be in debt until I'm 30 trying to pay off these student loans. I still went to school. I made a goal to make my own lunch every day this week and I did it. Even if I had to get out of bed early to do so. You make sacrifices in your life to make yourself better. I don't see you making any sacrifices at all. I'm frustrated with you because I don't understand how your brain works and you refuse to tell me how you think. You hide things in and just expect us to get closer when you're the one creating the boundaries.

Don't ask me to be friends with your friends if you don't let us hang out together. Don't tell me to apologize to your parents if you won't let me e-mail them and you tell me to go hide when they come to your house. You are asking me to do possible things, then making them impossible to complete.

You are throwing up roadblocks and expecting me to jump around them. But I'm not the one who fucked up. I'm not the one who came back to you and said, give me another shot. I'm the one who said, I don't think you are up to it. You're the one who said, let me prove it to you. What are you proving to me? I gave you one more shot. What are you going to do with this chance?

2010-02-16T17:42:00.005-06:00

I want to do something amazing. Watching the Olympics has ignited something inside me and I want to make a difference. I'm going to walk in the Weekend to End Woman's Cancers. I came across an article today that outlines some events that are going on around this event and one of them included a key note speech from my doctor, Dr. Bernardini. He will be talking about the recent breakthroughs in Gynecology and how the money raised by previous year's Walks have led to the breakthroughs and updated equipment at the Princess Margaret.

I never thought about it that way. All this time I've been supporting Brittany's team because I felt like it was the right thing to do. All this time, I've just been supporting something that would eventually support me. How amazing is that?

I'm going to get together a team to Walk this year. I'm walking for myself, and for all my friends because it is inevitable that at one point in our lives, at least half of my friends will have to deal with what I have been. And maybe one day, when I have a daughter, because of my efforts now, she will never have to go through what I have.

This is a 60 km walk over two days throughout the city of Toronto. I've watched the walkers, taken pictures of the walkers and now I want to be one of the walkers.

2010-02-07T17:17:00.002-06:00

What do you do when the one you were ment to be with doesn't want you anymore? Do you just give up and take it? Try and convince them of what they are missing? Fight back?

I thought I knew the rules of love but I'm so confused. I just want to drive there and cuddle up with him because he is the only person who can make me feel better. But he's the only person making me feel worse. This is so fucked up. I just want him to call and say, psych! I didn't mean any of it. You're the girl for me. But I know that will never come. There is way too much dammage and he's not willing to fix it. He's left me alone to try and pick up the pieces that he broke. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this.

2010-02-05T16:24:00.003-06:00

Its so unfair.

You brushed your fingers up and down my back and shivers ran all over my body. You laughed at me because my skin would turn into goosebumps.

You grunt at me when you want me to roll over so that your arms could fit perfectly around me. If I have my hair up, then I can feel your breath on my neck. That in itself would put me to sleep.

You always put your hand in the dip in my back when I walk through a door. It makes me feel safe.

The laughing in the shower. The kiss in public. Hugging me from behind. Telling me you'll always be here for me when I need you. Knowing all of my deepest and darkest secrets. Walking hand in hand through the farmers market. Making dinner for each other. Knowing that I have somebody who cares about me and what I do. My own personal cheerleader. Cuddling on the couch. The butterflies in my stomach when I get off the highway on my way to see you. The many movie dates (in bed and in public). The vacation that never will be. The nights in the hotels. Hangover days on the couch. It's just life... made better.

Oh god I feel so alone.

Sometimes I think that if we could live our entire lives in bed together then we'd never fight. When it was just us, it was perfect. If only I could erase the rest of the world for a little while. Then I could smile every day.

Many things keep running through my head. Is it me? Am I just unlovable? Somewhere along the line did I give the impression that it's okay to cheat on me? Every guy seems to think that acceptable behaviour. Maybe I can blame it on the media. But it's not okay to hurt the person you love. Whats the point? Relationships take time, effort and money.... why throw away your time, efforts and money on somebody you are just going to hurt?

What is the point? I don't understand. But maybe it's just me.

I hear all these stories about good guys who treat their girls right. Why can't every guy be honourable like that? Since when did it become okay to break somebody's heart for your own benefit?

So here's my question... should I just sit down and shut up and take it? Should I start cheating a lying? People keep doing it so it must be fun. You never do something when the negatives out weight the positives. And I know what the negatives are. So that must be some REALLY hot sex. Maybe I should try it to see what all the fuss is about.

Sometimes I am so strong. I can go days without crying. But as soon as I heard your voice this morning it was like a dam broke inside me. I realized how much I actually miss you. But I'd never tell you that to your face. I know you read this, so here is my heart...

I thought I had been in love before, but you showed me what real love is. I'd never felt that way before. I was proud of you when I thought you were doing well. I'd brag about you. I honestly thought I found one of the good ones. I couldn't go a day without talking to you. I used to cry like a baby when we left each other because I missed you already. I hated it when you left me. I thought I would be with you forever. I thought we were one of the lucky ones who found their lobster at such a young age and had the opportunity to go through some amazing life experiences together instead of trying to explain them to somebody later in life.

I was so sure of it. And maybe that's why I feel lost right now. I don't know me without you. Your life was my life and my life was your life.

I just so want you to be the man you made me think you were. I don't really think that is too much to ask. That's who you presented to me. You had no reason to lie to me about what your personality was. But I guess the reality is, is that you were just playing more of your head games with me. And then you accidentally fell in love with me. And that's when it got complicated.

Well, I'm alone now. And I guess I have to get used to this feeling. Maybe I can rely on my friends a little bit more or spend some more time reading to try and fill the void. All I know is that my life is never going to be the same. And I'm not entirely sure I like that.

I miss you. And as hard as I try, I can't stop missing you.

2010-02-04T11:22:00.002-06:00

Well...

I have no regrets.

I promise to myself to only allow positive people in my life. If you're negative, that's your prerogative, but you can take your negativity and dump it on somebody else. If you want to lie, cheat and steal, go for it. But don't bring that around me. I'm not interested.

I'm excited about the future. I want to date, see the city and meet new people. I want to know where I live. I want somebody to chase after me. I want to be surprised and I want to find love again.

What an amazing feeling love is. I just can't wait to feel that way again.

I wonder if it's like the movies when you meet somebody and you just know that you are meant to be with that person.

Either way, I'm 24, single, and living in one of the largest cities in Canada. There has to be somebody out there that has good morals, values and knows how to treat a woman right.

Maybe next time I'll insist on talking to his ex's to find out the real reason they broke up in the first place. That might help figuring out who this guy is before I waste my time.

2010-02-01T16:04:00.002-06:00

Miss the way I used to write. I would throw all my emotions into my writing and after every blog post I was always left in tears. Utterly drained of all emotions. It is so difficult for me to unlock these emotions now and I desperately see how important that output was for me. Now they are bundled up inside me, screaming to get out. I just can't find the key to unlock them.

I'm not myself. I'm confused. I love a man, and he claims to love me. Yet he shows me no respect. He is two different people. The happy man when he is with me. A man who makes me feel like I've never felt before. And he is a man who is torn up inside. I don't know what happened to him to make him throw up those walls. Its been almost 3 years and he's never let me in. Always lied so I wouldn't know who he really is. Did some woman break his heart? Was it all the moving and trying to make new friends? Maybe he doesn't even know who he is. I just wish he would give me a chance to get to know the real him.

Everybody should know themselves. And everybody should have one other person in this world who knows them. Good and bad.

2010-01-23T08:13:00.003-06:00

2010 is the beginning of something amazing. I'm starting this century independent, confident and happy. In light of that, I've decided to update my bucket list. So, here goes.

Learn to shoot a gun
Skydive
Bungee jump somewhere exotic over a river
Visit Egypt and the pyramids
Have a radio show
Go on an African Safari
Live in a different country for a couple months
Backpack through Grease, Italy and Amsterdam
Stay in a 5 Star resort in Jamaica
Own a BMW
Buy a Louis Vutton bag for myself
Get my Masters
Visit the 7 Wonders of the World - All of them! (See Below)
Buy a house
Live by myself
Pay off my Student Debt
Go dog sledding
Learn how to professionally arrange flowers
Cut up my Credit cards and live off cash for 1 year
Own a dog
Run a marathon
Write a book
Fall in love
Get published in a magazine
Own a Business. McDonalds, Tim Hortons...
Retire by the age of 60
Design and build my "dream" kitchen
Drive a Formula 1 Car
Learn how to Salsa Dance
Learn a new language
Live with the Amish and see what all the fuss is about
Go horseback riding on a beach
Be a mentor to somebody
Fly in a hot air balloon
Go Whale watching
Plant a tree in my yard and enjoy it grow
Become a Key Note Speaker
Throw a huge party
Learn the differences between wine
Drive across a country.. any country!
Fly a Kite
Go snorkeling
Fly first class
Visit a volcano
Go on a romantic get-away
Swim with Dolphins
Volunteer to build houses in a different country
Learn how to make 1 gourmet meal
Take a class on painting
Visit Disney World and see all my favourite characters
Have a baby
Do something that scares me
Get rid of my car and only take public transit for 6 months
Be a bridesmaid
Take up photography
Live on a farm
Take a celebrity out for dinner

7 Wonders of the Ancient World:

- Great Pyramid of Giza (the only one that still exists). Egypt

Wonders of the Medieval World:

-Stonehenge. Wiltshire, England
-Colosseum. Rome, Italy
-Catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa. Alexandria, Egypt
-Great Wall of China. China
-Porcelain Tower of Nanjing. China
-Hagia Sophia. Istanbul, Turkey
-Leaning Tower of Pisa. Italy
-Taj Mahal. India
-Cairo Citadel. Egypt
-Ely Cathedral. Cambridgeshire, England
-Cluny Abbey. France

Wonders of the Modern World:

- Channel Tunnel. Strait of Dover between the United Kingdom and France
-CN Tower. Toronto, Ontario
-Empire State Building. New York, NY
-Golden Gate Bridge. Sanfrancisco, California
-Itaipu Dam. Between Brazil and Paraguay
-Delta Works/Zuiderzee Works. Netherlands
-Panama Canal. Isthmus of Panama

The New 7 Wonders of the World (as of 2006)

- Great Wall of China. China
-Petra. Jordan
-Christ the Redeemer. Brazil
-Machu Picchu. Peru
-Chichen Itza. Mexico
-Roman Colosseum. Italy
-Taj Mahal. India
-Great Pyramid. Egypt

7 Wonders of the Natural World:

-Grand Canyon. Arizona, USA
-Great Barrier Reef. Australia
-Harbour of Rio de Janeiro
-Mount Everest. Asia
-Aurora
-Paricutin Volcano. Mexico
-Victoria Falls. Africa

2010-01-03T18:44:00.002-06:00

What is True Love?

I remember that day. The sun was high in the sky and the air was warm. We drove with the window cracked a bit so that my hair didn't get messed up. I saw you come out in her arms and my heart instantly ached. I knew you were the one for me.

We drove back home with you in my lap. You fell asleep. I felt like I needed to protect you at all times. You were so small and I was all you had. This, I thought, was true love.

I was so scared when you went screaming under the car at the cottage. I was shaking and calling your name. I was crying for no apparent reason. I was the only one you would come to and now I realize that you felt the same way I do. You were my one and I am your one. You came to me then, like you did to me today. That same look and slow crawl. Even though you were in pain, you still wanted to be close to me. And I love you for that.

True love is the need to protect somebody. And True Love is needing to have the other take care of you. To have that thing on your mind all the time, just in the back, but always there. To be happy just to sit in the same room. True love is a commitment to the other.

2009-12-31T11:33:00.002-06:00

2009

What a year. It started off with promise and hopefulness. Heartbreak, tragedy, sadness followed. Then came a sense of self. A sense of belonging and competitiveness. Accomplishment, pride and faith.

I did the best I could with what I had and I am so proud of myself. When I fell apart, I picked myself back up again and made me better. I finished one path and started another.

It's funny looking back on the past couple years and remembering all the tears and the happiness and the friendships and none of those those seem as sad or happy as I remember feeling then. But I suppose that's how it really goes. All those nights up on a computer hammering out an essay, cramming for an exam or chatting with a heartbroken friend have all been worth it. Every step of the way has been worth it because with out, I wouldn't be where I am today.

The lessons I learned this year are:

in the end, you can only trust and depend on yourself. I am the only one who is looking out for me and I need to do whatever it takes to make me happy.
People come and go in my life for different reasons. But each have helped push me to learn more about myself.
I can do it.
A dream is achievable with small goals. One step at a time.
I am most content when I am alone. Does that make me a loaner? Or maybe I just like myself.
One day I am going to make a fantastic mother, but that day is not today.
I am able to overcome personal tragedy on my own.
I am really good at keeping secrets
Once I make up my mind, there is no stopping me.

2009 has been a challenging year that has pushed me to my limits, but has also shown me what I am able to handle. And after this year, I am confident that I can handle anything.

Bring on 2010!

2009-12-31T00:14:00.001-06:00

Will it ever be just me? Is it impossible to be with one person only? Is it an act of selfishness or is it just me? Am I not doing enough to make him happy? Will it ever be just me?

2009-12-13T19:41:00.002-06:00

I find it disconcerning when I run into people I know from my past and they appear to be with a wonderful man who treats them right and makes them a priority in their life. Their father treats them like princesses. They have tiffany's around their neck and their wrists, coach bags on their arms and a smile on their face. They have men that will spend a couple hundred dollars on them just to see their face when they open the present... but does money buy happiness?

I always thought money would make things easier. And maybe it does. I'm sure a double income would make life easier as well. But I don't have either of those. So what can I do to make life easier? Be jealous of my best friend who moved into a beautiful condo with her bf today? Be jealous of the Coach bags and tiffany necklaces? Be jealous of the girls that eat out every night? Be jealous of the girls living in their parents condo in Yorkville by themselves? I think that would make me a very bitter person.

So, thats something I constantly fight with. To force a big smile on my face and hug them and listen to them tell me how great their life is. Well guess what, let me tell you how great my life is. I have a two bedroom apartment to myself. I support myself. I have a couple things that I wish I could afford, but I'm not scrambling to make rent every month. I have a great dog who is very loving, and although she is very energetic at times, I wouldn't want it any other way. At least one thing is happy to see me every single day. I have love in my life. It comes in the form of friends and extended family, but I have love. There is food in my belly and a roof over my head and my debts are slowly being paid down. Slowly every month.. but still going down every month. Thats the best I can do.

2009-11-29T17:11:00.002-06:00

What a wonderful night. I felt like myself for the first time in a very long time. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was my old roommates, but whatever it was, I am so thankful.

I can't believe how much I missed their company. I could have talked for hours with Tony and I haven't danced with Karen and Leigh like that in years. It made me smile to see Emily so happy with her man and the same goes for Amber. I could see it on both of their faces. Just pure joy. Comfortable, happy, can't live without each other love. I can't believe how everything has changed, yet, when we were all together, it was like nothing ever changed.

I'm having dinner with Trish tomorrow, then dinner with my cousins on Thursday. I'm slowly finding myself again. And it feels great!

2009-11-11T22:24:00.005-06:00

Its been 10 days since my last post. Who knew so much could change in 10 days.

I'm sitting here watching Keeping up with the Kardashian's and I'm in tears. Everything seems to get to me lately and I just can't control my emotions anymore. Tonight's episode was Khloe's wedding. Her father passed away when she was young and a major theme of the wedding was honouring her late father. A lot of the speeches revolved around "if Dad was here..." type of thing. Well I can't help but think that my wedding will be the same.

Not because my Dad has died, but because my Dad wants to be demoted to simply a sperm doner. He does not want to know about my life, he wants no details. He doesn't want to see me, nor does he want to even hear about me. So, I was forced to move out of his house a week early, which caused me to move with little help. Five days later and I'm still not unpacked.

It's a difficult thing to go through life having things one way and believing that somebody will be there for you always, and then one day to have them say, I want nothing to do with you. I'm sure this is similar to what women feel when they get divorced. It's like a rug has been pulled out from under my feet and I just have no direction anymore.
_______________________________________

I'm so frustrated with him. He broke plans for a phone conversation so he could hang out, smoke weed and play video games with his friends that he sees every day. I walked to Canadian Tire and back, in the dark, so that I could get a phone to call him on. I got this great phone plan that allows for so many long distance minutes a month that is more than half of what I pay for a similar plan on my cell phone.

I get home, charge the phone up enough to make a call and I get "Hey (cough cough cough) whats up? Just chillin with Dan and Christy (cough cough), ya, (silence....) ya, ok Kelly, bye.

Great conversation. I'm SO GLAD I walked in the dark to Canadian Tire for a 2 minute conversation with somebody who can't even put down the blunt.

Then I get, "Let me call you when they leave shortly". That was at 9:04. It 11:51 and I'm still waiting for that phone call.

Actions speak louder than words- and yours are screaming at me.

You know, I have given you a second, third, fourth and fifth chance. And this time you promised that you would do me right. You promised that you'd be that guy for me. Whatever it took to get me back. You said you realized what you lost and you don't want to lose it ever again. Well... what happened to that????

That lasted a total of 3 weeks. Right now, you're showing me every reason why I made a mistake in taking you back. If you can't be that man, then leave me the fuck alone. I made it so very clear to you that these are my expectations. I asked you one by one if you are able to deliver on those expectations. Your answer was yes. But talk is cheap! You're not delivering on anything!

If I can't depend on you for a simple phone call, how am I supposed to depend on you for anything at all?

I'm realizing what is important in my life. My health, a roof over my head, my career, my dog and my happiness. If you're not making me happy, then why are you in my life? If you are intentionally upsetting me, it's time to move on.

If you can't keep a phone date, something is majorly wrong.

2009-11-01T15:01:00.002-06:00

With the big change about to happen in my life I need to become more focused. I now have a career to take charge of and I don't need any distractions. I need to have a balanced life. I can't be on a roller coaster of emotions anymore. I need stability. I need a schedule. I need to be even.

Since my emotions are generally controlled by the people around me, I've been thinking quite a bit about what is going to make me even and this is what I've come up with.

I need a man who is proud of me. I need somebody who shows me off to his friends and his family and makes me feel proud of me too.

I need a man who touches me often to make me feel wanted.

I need a man who supports my decisions, especially with my career. And somebody who takes advantage of the time we can spend together.

I need somebody who makes me feel wanted and needed. There is nothing more special than a surprise delivery of flowers or a knock at the door with a big hug waiting on the other side.

I want somebody who recognizes that I've been really hurt by men in the past and that I have trust issues. If he can't cut out the extra women, especially women he's hurt me with in the past, then he isn't the right guy for me. Girl friends are cool, but its not necessary to continue to talk to a woman he had an emotional affair or a verbal sex fest with on a regular basis.

My guy should want to make me happy and not sad. And he should recognize that there are great things in life that come with being in a relationship. And he should want to be in a relationship.

He should want to explore Toronto with me. If he lives in Toronto then he should be ok with doing the touristy things with me. Even if he's done it before. And if he's not in Toronto, then he should want to come to the city and explore it with me.

He should want to work at our relationship and not be scared of taking it to another level.

He should treat me as his confidante. He should come to me with his fears, accomplishments, trouble etc.

I want a deep connection that two people in love feel. The "I know everything about you and I STILL love you" feeling is incredible. It's amazing to put your heart in somebody elses hands and have them take care of it for you. I'm really good at taking care of hearts.

I just want somebody who wants me more than somebody else.

2009-10-31T00:00:00.002-05:00

1. You are not a victim. No matter what happens to you, don't take the pussy route and blame the world for your misfortune. If you were sexually assaulted, verbally abused, etc and lived to tell about it; take your pain and help those who need it. Writing emo poetry isn't going to solve anything.

2. Invest in your education first, your looks second. Anyone can pay a plastic surgeon to look hot, but not everyone can read a book and do simple math.

3. No matter what you call it, having a 'man to take you shopping' is glorified prostitution. He wants you for your body, you want him for his wallet. Cut the crap and call it what it is.

4. Do not seek confidence in other people. Magazines, celebrities and most pop influences are there to make you feel like you're nothing. Don't buy into it. Those celebrities need your money to look fabulous. Invest in yourself, not hype.

5. Stop fueling gossip mongers [Perez Hilton, TMZ.]. They have nothing to talk about and if you follow them for long, neither will you.

6. Be modest; why have all your goods unwrapped and leave nothing for the imagination?

7. Know the difference between fucking and love. There is a major difference and if you don't know it, pick up a book or ask someone who does.

8. Do not have children just because you're lonely or insecure. Your child will end up hating you for it and you won't get the emotional blanket you hoped you'd get.

9. Get a job. Seriously. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean that you are excused from work. Find a trade, get a job. If you are a house wife, be a good one. If you are a career woman, put your heart into what you do.

10. A respectable companion is rarely at a 'bar' or da club'. These places are meat markets and will only set you up for a douchebag or a wimp. If you go, refer to rule 7.

11. Learn to cook. Cooking is a dying skill that needs not be. You'd be surprise how much weight you lose and how you can get a decent companion if you know more than picking up a phone and calling for dinner.

12. Get off your phone. If it's not your best friend, your job or your family, your cackling is not important and the rest of the world does not want to hear it. Listen more. Talk less.

13. Stop using men to get you stuff. Have some self respect and buy your own drinks, meals and entertainment. A date will respect you more if you show them you are not helpless.

14. Perfume and baby powder does not make up for good hygiene. Shower, do your laundry, clean your place. Body odor is not excusable for either genders.

15. If you are a Lesbian, respect yourself and stop trying to find acceptance in the world. 9/10 they will not accept you. Tell them 'fuck you' and be your own woman.

16. If you are a Lesbian, you are not anymore special or important than anyone else. You love other women and you have that right, but do not flex your preference thinking it makes you unique. Your mind and experiences make you unique, either gay or straight.

17. Buy clothes that fit. Be tasteful with your clothing be you big or small.

18. Don't eat for comfort, vomit to make yourself beautiful, and starve yourself to feel loved. Exercise, be sensible with your food choices, don't deprive yourself but never eat too much. The quickest way to a size 30, and to the grave, is past your teeth.

19. If they say the love you, ask them to earn your heart through good deeds, genuine kindness and respect.

20. Romance is not dead; but if you're not willing to give it, don't expect it in return.

21. Stop being a bitch to other women and other people. If you are not happy, go get therapy. No one deserves to be berated because you don't have the guts to berate yourself.

22. Do something new every day. Pole dance to learn about your sensuality, paint to express your creativity, write a blog to express your soul. Evolve and never stop learning.

23. Look in the mirror everyday and smile at what you see.

24. Stay safe. Learn to defend yourself against one or multiple attackers. Jackals do not attack if they see a big stick. If all else fails, run. There is no shame in running if it keeps you safe.

25. Love yourself. Always. When you love yourself to the fullest, the world will open with opportunities

26. Stay positive. The world may seem dark but there will always be another guy, another job, another happy moment. Live for the happy moments.

2009-10-18T19:58:00.002-05:00

I can almost see it... that dream I am dreaming. But there's a voice inside my head saying"You'll never reach it."

Every step I'm taking, every move I make feels lost with no direction. My faith is shaking.

But I gotta keep trying. Gotta keep my head held high. There's always gonna be another mountain and I'm always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be a uphill battle -sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.

The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking sometimes might knock me down but I'm not breaking. I may not know it, but these are probably the moments that I'm gonna remember most. Just gotta keep going and I need to be strong and just keep pushing on.

Tomorrow is the day. I have no idea what to expect. I keep racking my brain trying to remember what my doctor said I should do and what I should expect. I'm proud of myself - I only cried once this weekend and luckily he didn't see. I'm trying hard to be strong so that if anything happens, at least one person will be able to say, "she was a strong woman." I just don't want to burden anybody with my problems anymore. I decided tonight that I am going to face this by myself unless somebody asks me to become involved. If I can do this, I can do anything.

2009-10-15T01:04:00.002-05:00

I think it's sad that the only place I feel really safe is with him. I sleep better when he is beside me. I feel better in general when I am at his house. It's really sad that I can't feel my best when I am alone. This is something I am trying to work on. It isn't healthy to depend on another person in order to feel your best. Not saying that I intentionally do this, but who doesn't sleep better knowing somebody who is twice your size is laying next to you? Especially when you've lived through a home invasion. It's just a piece of mind I suppose, but that is why I have a dog.

Less focus on man, more focus on dog. Dog has, can and will protect me if the situation arises.

Well, in a matter of 10 minutes I went from being wide awake to my eyes half shut. It is bed time. Sweet dreams.

2009-10-15T00:55:00.002-05:00

Another sleepless night.

ugh wtf. Posting last night helped me fall asleep instantly, so here goes again...

I'm getting a tattoo. I've decided what I want and where I want it. I've come to terms with the fact that it will hurt, but life hurts.

I'm sitting here in bed with the lights off wondering when my brain will get a clue and remember that sleep is good! I heard thumping like somebody was storming down the stairs. I turned the light on for a second and listened again- nothing. What the hell is going on. I layed back down again and a couple minutes later I heard it again... thump thump thump thump. I grabbed my cell phone and shined it across my room. There is Miss Lexie sound asleep with her tail wagging. What a cutie. At least somebody around here is having good dreams.

I finished part of a project today that I have been wanting to complete for a very long time. I refinished my side table in an off white colour and put some black decals on the top. I saw a lamp the other day that was similar- so obviously I must go buy it!

I also sanded down and spray painted my dining room chairs. This took me a grand total of eight hours to complete the spray painting. From the primer to the many coats of metallic black car paint- they look awesome now. I also reupholstered the seats in the same off-white colour as I painted the table.

Next I'm debating breaking out the sander again and tackling my kitchen table. I have 3/4 a can of paint left and it might be nice to have a matching set? I guess I'll see how ambitious I am feeling tomorrow.

2009-10-13T23:55:00.003-05:00

I've been afraid to write lately. The entire purpose of this blog is for me to remember the ups and downs of my life in the event that something happens to me and I have problems remembering. I also write to express myself in a way that I feel comfortable with. I write to make sense of complicated situations. I write to remind myself of where I came from and how far I've actually come. I write for me. But I don't want to remember this point in time in my life. There is too much wrong- too much negativity.

But I feel like I am restraining myself from speaking my mind and possibly making sense of situations that are bothering me. Maybe if I get all this mumbled junk out of my head, I'll finally be able to sleep again.

I'm scared. Sometimes there are events in your life in which you just have no control over. I've been diagnosed with "pre-cancerous" cells in my cervix which means that I am sick. How sick? Well I don't know, and I won't know until after my appointment on Monday. I'm frustrated with the medical system. The first week of September I went to the doctors for a check up. I had just broken up with a man I didn't trust and I felt that I should get checked out for my own piece of mind. Plus, I had to get my birth control re-prescribed in October. I figured I would go a month early... what was the harm. Well, woman's intuition was correct, I was sick. I was infected with a disease which has the potential to make me infertile. When I got that call I was instantly angry. I was furious. I was angry with myself. I let him do this to me... I wasn't good enough to make him keep his cock in his pants and he's hurt me physically and mentally because of his selfishness.

I was so angry with life but I was thankful that it only took my doctor eight days to get back to me. Wow.. what a relief that I figured this out soon enough. It may not hurt me in the long run. What a relief. I thought the worst of it was behind me.

I was so wrong. Two weeks later, a full three weeks after my initial appointment, my doctor called again. Worse news. Pre-cancer. Wow. That hit me like a brick. I sat down on the floor of my kitchen and tried my best to listen to what my doctor was telling me. I tried to absorb all of the information but I believe I was in shock and I don't know everything that she was trying to tell me. When I answered the phone I had my cell phone in my hand. As I sat on my kitchen floor sobbing, I sent a text message to him asking him to call me. I truly had no other thought in my mind except, I need to tell Tom. He'll make it better.

Two weeks after that moment I got a call from the hospital telling me that I had an appointment with a specialist in two weeks. That makes seven weeks from my initial appointment. What the hell is wrong with this system that it takes seven weeks from initial contact to see a specialist. Why does it take four weeks, a full month, since a woman is told she may have cancer and a larger chance of never have children, before she is seen by another doctor. That is just ludicrous. And it is no wonder woman all over Canada are walking zombies- too stressed out with worry to pay attention to what is going on around her.

I can only wonder how long it is going to take the hospital to get back to me with the test results.

Still no job. Two interviews so far, no luck yet. Things are starting to look up, and it is true that I said it will probably be mid October before I start to get interviews. The whole process was put into perspective for me today. 146 applicants for an entry level position. 16 chosen for a phone interview (which I was chosen for). 4-6 will be chosen for an in person interview. Then one final person will be selected. One out of 146 people. Holy crap. Looks like I have my work cut out for me.

I feel like my life is just one bad Jenga game. Everything is resting on each other and just ready to topple over at any time. BUT if one simple thing falls into place, everything will shift and maybe I won't feel like saying "fuck it" and going to work at Hooters. Just get me that job which will get me the apartment where I can put my clothes and furniture and get my privacy back. My piece of mind, my independence.

My Bumpa is sick. I always counted on him sticking around. He's survived two heart attacks, open heart surgery and an broken heart. I thought he was a goner after my Nannie passed away. I had never seen a man cry for so long and so hard. It broke my heart just looking at him. The sadness in his eyes, the way he looked at her picture, the broken spirit of a man I've only ever known as strong. After it all, he still talks about her like she's still around. I suppose his life hasn't changed much. I still hear him talking to her before he goes to bed at night. He always makes too much food for breakfast. He still goes through the motions. There is just nobody to talk back, nobody to eat that food and nobody to touch him to tell him it will be okay. Through the heartbreak I learned that I want a man who will look like that and feel like he did when I die. As horrible as that sounds, he was only that upset because their 53 years together was full of love, children, grandchildren, vacations and special moments shared between them. I can only hope to be that lucky. I guess I was selfish to want him to be at my wedding. Since I don't believe that is happening anytime soon, his memory will have to do.

At the end of August my family held him a surprise birthday party even though his birthday is in January. It seemed odd but I figured it was because he's usually in Mexico and our family hasn't got together for a long while. I guess somebody else knew more than I did. I got a rare opportunity to sit down with Bumpa's new girlfriend, Helen, to talk about life. I had never met her before, but I had heard all about her for the past two or three years. It just felt right to talk to her. What a wonderful lady. She reminds me of my Nannie so much- so warm and caring. I talked to her like I had known her forever.

That weekend I had found out some very disturbing information about Tom and I was distraught. Helen seemed like the only safe place for me. She was so genuine with her concern. She told me about when her husband died and how it tore her apart. She said she could see how hurt I was just by looking in my eyes. She told me I am a beautiful woman and I deserve to find a good man like my Bumpa is. I miss my Nannie. But I am thankful to have Helen in my life. I just wish I could spend more time with her. I feel like she is somebody I can learn a lot from.

2009-09-27T15:08:00.002-05:00

It's not supposed to be this hard. If it's right, it should be easy.

I feel like I'm trying to fit a square peg in a circular hole - it's impossible.

I feel like you don't trust me. I've never done anything to make you think that I have been unfaithful or doing shady things behind your back. I'm not you.

I don't text other guys to meet up, I don't have memberships on dating websites, I don't try to get laid. I'm not you. Stop treating me like I am doing those things. What you don't know about me is that I am a very nervous person. I don't like dating or getting to know other people. I like being comfortable and predictable. I like having a schedule and I don't like new things. I HATE change. I would never do anything to rock the boat. That's just not me.

I'm getting really tired of trying all by myself. I'm pushing you away again. I don't know if you care or even notice. Maybe it's what you want. I don't know. Maybe everything you have done is trying to get me to break up with you. When one doesn't work, you do something worse and worse until I crack. Maybe I should just listen to your actions, not your words.

I'm at my limit with life. I'm breaking down piece by piece. I'm pushing my friends away. I'm beginning to live two lives. I can't do this anymore. I need a cohesive life. I can't lie anymore. It is stressing me out beyond belief.

The following needs to change:

My current relationship with Tom. Either we're together or we're not.
Find a job.
Move out of my parents house.
Get my health under control.
Work out a plan to get my mental health under control.
Start paying down my debt.
My friendships.
Get rid of all negative things in my life.

2009-09-27T10:38:00.002-05:00

Things that make me happy:

Crawling into my bed after a long day.
Things with a little bit of sparkle.
Big colourful things like hot air balloons or amusement park rides.
Things that remind me of being a kid.
Sleeping until my body wakes up.
A great conversation when I learn things about people that I didn't know already.
Feeling that I look good.
Visiting a new place.
Going exploring.
Seeing things from a different point of view.
Running into old friends.
Knowing that somebody loves me.
Being able to fall asleep and not worry about life's challenges.

2009-09-25T09:50:00.002-05:00

I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm stressed. I'm angry. I have small moments of happiness, but not enough to qualify as happy. I'm on the negative side of life.

Starting today, nobody remains in my life who does not respect and love me. People who constantly bring me down are gone. Everybody is on their last chance. This is it. I'm at the end of my rope. I have negative feelings constantly, and that is not me. This means that I am being negative based on actions of others. If I cut out those actions, the negative should go with it.

Caitlin: STOP!!! You know it hurts me when you say bad things about him. Constantly questioning me is pushing me away from you. I don't tell you everything anymore. I haven't for a very long time. Live your own damn life and leave mine alone. I will make decisions based on what I want. I'm allowed to fall down and pick myself up again. I'm allowed to. That is how I will learn and maybe this is my path. Maybe it's not. But it is MY RIGHT to try and see what happens.

Mom: I'm not your bitch. I live in the hole in the basement, use a grand total of four rooms in this house. And they are all clean. Please stop requiring that your entire house is spotless when you come home. I don't use them. If they are dirty, it is because you, your husband or your child did it. You should have them clean up their mess. Also, NO you don't have to know where I am at every moment of the day. I'm 24 years old. Did your mom know where you were then? NOPE! I'm not a teenager, stop treating me as such.

Tom: Just love me. Do things to make me happy, not sad. Treat me like your equal, not your enemy. I'm here for you, but you aren't letting me. Open yourself up and see what happens. I'm not the enemy. I'm supposed to be your partner. So stop treating me like I'm a child. I'm a big girl, I can handle a couple bad things here and there. Treat me like you want to be treated, with love and respect.

Body: Start cooperating with me.

2009-09-24T22:00:00.002-05:00

Betrayal

With every relationship there is bound to be some betrayal. It's just human nature. Everybody is in it for themselves. It goes against everything everybody stands for to hurt themselves. But what if you body is hurting itself? I'm being betrayed by myself. The only person I've learned to trust has now betrayed me. Like I haven't been through enough this year...

Something is happening and I don't know how to stop it. I feel lethargic, my stomach hurts, I'm bleeding non stop, I have headaches, I've stopped losing weight and I'm more emotionally driven than before. I get angry very quickly, I don't listen when I argue, I cry all the time for no reason.... What the hell is going on?

Is it stress? Maybe. I have been through hell and back in the past couple months. I've questioned everything in my life. I have no safe place. No person to confide in. I feel constantly on edge and alone.

I just want stability. I want to be happy again. I want to feel successful and wanted. I want to feel like there is a purpose to me being here.

I'm scared.

2009-09-11T08:47:00.003-05:00

Our conversation keeps running through my head... "I don't know how to act in a relationship" "I love you, I'm sorry" "Please Kelly, I love you."

I have no ill will towards you. The hatred is gone. I just feel empty and on the verge of tears at every moment. The question on my mind is... should I give it one more shot? I've put so much time and effort into "us" and I've told you how I want to be treated. I hung in there through everything. I'm not mad you slept with her. You had every right to. I was upset you lied to me about it when I was so upset to begin with. I'm mad that you couldn't respect me enough to say, listen, I slept with somebody else when I thought you were never going to speak to me again. I think I should get tested before we sleep together. Or maybe we should use a condom just in case. You were doing so well these past two weeks, with two exceptions that I don't have to say. I actually felt like you wanted to be with me, and you would do anything to be with me. I've never felt more wanted by you- ever.

BUT... what if this is just a reality for you for the rest of your life? You are just programmed to lie, cheat, steal, whatever. What if that is in your genetic make-up and something that you cannot change in yourself.

I'd be willing to give it another shot if I knew for sure that you would never make me feel this way again. If you never lied to me about big things (work, school, other women, your parents/family, where you are - if I asked of course, your love for me.) If I knew that you were 1,000,000% in this with me, to have me as your partner in crime so to speak. To have me as your lobster. I would take you back in an instant. But I don't know that. And you won't show me that.

You said yesterday that you don't know how to act in a relationship. From my experiences with you, this is what you do and what you need to do to keep your partner happy. Please read these. I am not being malicious, I am simply trying to help you out in the event that you find yourself in another relationship. Hopefully this helps.

What you do:

You open doors for me, or if you don't, you always put your hand on my lower back to help me through the door. This shows that you cared about me and it shows respect. The touch is also nice.
You let me, be me. You laughed with me not at me when I made a mistake or when I was singing in the car. You always turned on a song that I knew when we were driving in your car. You took me to the farmers market when I wanted to go and you humoured me when I wanted to see the cows.
You randomly held my hand when we were driving.
You layed with me when I needed to be held. You let me cry on your shoulder when I needed it.
You looked at my work when I needed a second set of eyes.
You loved my dog.
You showered with me.
Once you introduced me to your family, you made an effort to invite me to dinners, bbq's etc.
When I asked, you had a date night with me.
You had fun with me.

What you need to do:

Be more open. Talk to your girl on a daily basis. In person is always best, but if you do find somebody who lives further away, like I did, then call her, or use Skype.
Communication is the key. Make her feel like she is a part (and important part!!!) of your life. For example, you should have told me Adam left Julie the day you found out. Not two days later in casual conversation. You know how you talk to Alex and tell him the big things first? That's how you should talk to your girlfriend. Tell her the big things first. Even if they don't apply to her. It will make her feel connected to your life, and thus, connected to you.
Plan a date night all by yourself. It doesn't have to be big, a movie works just fine. It means a lot to know that you cleared your schedule because you wanted to take me out. No friends, no family, just us.
Treat her the way you want to be treated. If you want to be cheated on, lied to and left broken hearted, then go ahead and do those things to your girl. If you want to be loved, happy and secure, then make your girl feel that way.
It's all about communication.
Stop hiding things. I understand you like to keep some things to yourself, but it only hurt our bond in the end. Keep things to yourself that she would have no way of finding out about, OR being upset about if she did find out. Example: keep what you had for dinner to yourself. Tell her you failed a test. See the difference?
I know you have your pride, but to quote Fabolous "It's okay to lose your pride over someone you love. Don't lose someone you love though over your pride. Stick wit'cha entree and get over your side" - Baby don't Go.
Everybody makes mistakes. But be honest about them. By admitting your mistakes, the trust between you two will be stronger. Yes, you may fight. But just think of the make-up sex. If you are honest, you can't go wrong. There is no need to make a bad situation worse by lying about it. It is like a double whammy for your girl.
I know all of your friends sleep around, but follow your heart. If you love somebody, don't sleep with anybody else until that love is gone. It isn't fair to you, the person you are sleeping with or the person you love. Just in case that person comes back to you and gives you another chance. You don't want to give them any reason to leave you again.

I hope this helped maybe a little bit. I know it helped me to get it all out.

I guess the new chapter has officially begun. Up next for me... landing a job and getting my own place.

2009-09-10T19:50:00.002-05:00

You told me you loved me... I believed you
You told me you were sorry... I believed you
You told me you would never hurt me again... I believed you
You told me you wanted to protect me... I believed you
You told me you wanted a life with me... I believed you
You told me I was the only one... I believed you
You told me you were a changed man... I believed you

You looked me in the eyes and told me you loved me... my heart melted.
You touched my hands, my arms, my shoulder, my face, my back... I melted
You took your love away from me... I cried
You rubbed my back and whispered in my ears... I leaned closer

My phone vibrates... my heart skips a beat

I'm still hopelessly in love with you and I don't know why. I wish they could make a pill that makes love go away. But then again... why would anybody want it to go away when you have to work so hard to find it in the first place.

Nav was right - I deserve to be alone. I'm worthless
Nick was right - No man will ever take me seriously
Dave was right - I'm a bitch
Tom was right - I'm a fool

2009-09-10T19:43:00.002-05:00

I don't understand why I do this to myself. He is bad for me. He is bad for every woman out there. He doesn't respect me or my body, he claims to love me when everybody knows that is not true, he is just everything wrong.

But I can't stop thinking about how good it feels to be with him. I must be crazy. Kelly what the hell are you doing. No matter what I do, my mind always goes back to that place...

I can't believe today's exposures. I can't believe his stupidity. I told him at 9 a.m. I would know... I told him cancer doesn't get prescriptions... I told him he had one last chance to tell me the truth. I told him all of that. He still said, Kelly I promise, it was you and only you. Fucking lying sack of shit.

Think about this for a minute... I wonder how his sister would respond to him knowing what he has just done to me.. and knowing that her husband just left her. I wonder what she would tell him. He had it all and he didn't even know it. But maybe he is addicted to the drama. He said he wanted to tell me when I was happy and with him. WHY???? So that he could watch me cry? So that I could tell him to his face how much I hated him?? SERIOUSLY???? What the fuck is wrong with people!

He said he wanted to spend more time with me but knew it would come to an end. Then why drag it out? Do you not care about me and my feelings at all? Do you not see the psychological damage you have caused me already? Do you WANT to put me in the loony bin? Maybe that's why Jessica went. It all makes sense now.

2009-08-31T15:26:00.002-05:00

Wow.. here we go again. Another excited phone call from another friend who is moving in with their boyfriend. All I can say is.. That is so great! I'm so excited for you! And ask them all the questions I hope they will ask me whenever I find a man who wants to live with me as I sit in my parents basement unpacking my things.... Life is funny sometimes.

I've found it difficult to get out of bed today. My first day officially unemployed. I'm a hard worker. I've always had at least one job, sometimes two or three. This is uncharted territory. I think I am a great writer. I think I am an excellent employee. I just need somebody to see that. But how do I stand out in a pile of resumes? There must be something that other people are doing that I just don't know about yet. But what is it? And how long is it going to take me to figure it out?

I cashed my cheque from my internship today. $4000 richer... or $4000 less poor. Only $23,000 left to go before I'm broke. Sweet....

I have so many hopes and dreams but they all seem too far away. For the first time, I'm in this alone. I had my parents supporting me and pushing me to reach my goal of graduating University. I had Tom's support through grad school. Now I'm alone. My parents have cut me off, they have found jobs for my brothers and their girlfriends. They are generously allowing me to stay in their basement for a couple weeks. But the job search is up to me. The apartment search will be up to me. Paying off my debts is completely up to me. Drying my tears is up to me. I'm completely alone for the first time ever.

I kind of feel like I should be going out and partying. I feel like drinking. I feel like doing drugs. Maybe I've given up a little bit.. maybe I just need to numb the pain. I'm becoming depressed again. Anybody want to party?

2009-08-27T21:48:00.002-05:00

It makes me happy to hear that you are upset. It means that I actually meant something to you at one point in time. It would hurt way more if you were okay. Hearing you cry confirmed to me that you did love me. It means that I wasn't delusional. I wasn't wasting my time.

I'm happy that you can't look at my picture because it means that you feel guilty. You can't look at my smiling face, knowing that I'm probably crawled up in a ball, all alone, crying so hard I can't breath. Have you ever cried so hard you threw up.. That was a new experience.

I'm happy knowing that you see me in your house because you recognize the effort and love I put into it for you. It means that you will think about me from time to time and maybe smile. It means you won't forget about me. And if you don't forget about me, then you won't make this mistake ever again.

A friend said it perfectly tonight. "Kelly, you know I love you. You are allowed to be upset, in fact, I would be worried if you weren't upset. But you did everything you could to make it work. A relationship takes two people working together to stay together. If one person pulls away, it all falls down. You did what you had to do to keep it together, but you don't have control over his actions. You were a great girlfriend and any man will be happy to have you in their life."

I'm sad that Tom and Kelly have come to an end. But I'm smiling because of all the great times. I'm smiling because I have grown up so much in the past two years. I graduated University, I got accepted and excelled in my post graduate. I got an internship. I've completed my internship and was given an excellent review - the highest she has ever given an intern. I've bought a car. I've lived on my own for the first time in an unfamiliar city, I've taken some chances. But most of all, I allowed myself to fall in love again. And what an amazing feeling that was. I am so proud of myself, and that is something that nobody can take away from me.

Yes, I may be extremely emotionally volatile right now, but that is okay. I put myself out there and that was the chance I took when I became his girlfriend. Nobody can blame me for what I have been through. These past two years have been some of the happiest and the saddest times in my entire life. Right now, I'm trying to focus on the happy times so I remember how much I have changed in such a short period of time. I'm sitting here smiling with tears running down my cheeks. I just wish you loved me half as much as I loved you. Everything would have been different.

I don't know if he will read this anymore, so I'm writing this for me. I want to remember how sensitive I was at one point before my heart turns into steel. I feel sorry for my next man. I have MAJOR trust issues now. If you thought it was bad before... well it's a hell of a lot worse now. But hopefully my $150 an hour shrink will help me deal with that. Fingers crossed that this next chapter in my life will be full of self discovery, self love and maybe a great date or two!

2009-08-27T21:34:00.002-05:00

It broke my heart to hear your voice today. God, I miss the person I know you to be. It seems so simple to me, just be that person you know you can be and everything will be alright. But you can't, for whatever reason.

What really confuses me was that you had already moved on. You refused to come see me, you didn't invite me down. You made plans and broke them with me. You didn't make me feel welcome or wanted. You never called. You took hours to respond to my text messages. You were talking with your ex girlfriend and defending her when I tried to talk to you about it. You were trying to find another girl or girls to make you happy. You pushed me away. You had moved on already and I was hanging on by my fingernails.

So why are you so upset now? You didn't want me. You should be happy... you finally got your wish. I'm gone. No more daily messages bothering you. Your weekends are free to drink with your buddies and sleep in. You can speak to whoever you want, whenever you want without worrying about me finding out. You can bring any girl you want back to your house and show it off. You don't have to worry about Lexie's hair getting everywhere. Your house will remain in perfect condition.

So why are you so upset? I don't get it.
_______________________________________________

Every time I hear this song I picture you saying the words to me.

Already Gone. By Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories are haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye.

Even with our fists held high, it never would've worked out right. We were never meant for do or die.

I didn't want us to burn out. I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road someone's gotta go. And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better but I want you to move on so I'm already gone.

Looking at you makes it harder but I know that you'll find another that doesn't always make you want to cry.

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in. Perfect couldn't keep this love alive.

You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go... I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road someones gotta go. And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better but I want you to move on so I'm already gone.

You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong, There's no moving on so I'm already gone.

2009-08-27T10:19:00.002-05:00

You need to stop.

I've given you so many chances to tell me the truth, but I usually find out you are lying. YOU set YOURSELF up for failure. YOU set YOURSELF up for heart break. And YOU set ME up to get hurt.

Is this normal? Is every guy like this and every girl hides their man's infidelities and lies from their friends? Do I have to deal with this for the rest of my fucking life? No wonder I am so fucked up.

Do the world a favour and remain single and celibate. You are far beyond repair. You will ALWAYS be this horrible, lying, scum bag of a person. Stop trying to get laid. Stop talking to other women. Stop being a MENTAL TERRORIST.

Mark my words... you will never be happy in a relationship. You are too selfish. You will never know what it feels like to put your heart in somebody else's hands and how wonderful it feels when they take care of it for you.

Good luck to the next woman you are with. She will never be as pretty, smart, driven or understanding as I am.

You fucked up... HUGE.

2009-08-24T06:48:00.002-05:00

--The End--

In every relationship, there is a beginning and the end. The end happened on Friday.

At first I was sad, confused, hurt... but I surrounded myself with the people who love me and I became empowered.

I am relieved. Thank God I saw who he really was, a pathological liar, a cheat and a person with no moral compass. Thank God I saw that now instead of later. All the signs were there, but my blinders were on.

I knew something was up- he never came to see me willingly, he hesitated when I asked to visit, he went out with his buddies when I was there... it was all there. And the best part about it, now I'll never make that mistake again!

I never thought I would have this kind of reaction. I'm smiling all the time. I haven't cried with the exception of a minute on Saturday. I haven't been this consistently happy in a very long time.

I'm a bit worried about the next girl he dates because a leopard never changes its spot's. He won't change. The pattern is there, he cheated on Jessica all the time and admitted it, he cheated on me all the time but never admitted it. He lied to everybody. He's never going to change, and you know what - that's okay with me. It is the bad people in the world like him that make the good people in the world, like me, look better.

I am excited about my date on Saturday. I haven't been this excited to see somebody in years.

I guess all in all, there are no tears here, only smiles. The weight is lifted off my chest because I KNOW I did the right thing. There is no more second guessing.

I would wish him the best, but I know he'll never become the best so why waste my wishes?

I regret not seeing this earlier because I could have been very very happy right now. He could be the furthest thing from my mind. But I welcome the pain. It makes me feel alive.

You can't hurt me anymore. I can't say 'have a good life' because I know you won't. So let me say, have the best life you can possibly give yourself.

2009-08-19T20:50:00.001-05:00

It feels like someone kicked you in the stomach. Feels like your heart stopped beating. Feels like that dream, you know the one when you are falling and you want so desperately to wake up before you hit the ground but its all out of your control.

I cant trust anything anymore. No one is who they say they are.

My life is changed forever, and the only thing to come out of this whole ugly experience is no one will be able to break my heart like that again.

2009-08-19T14:05:00.001-05:00

Only you know the truth. And the truth will set you free.

It always comes out eventually, why not do it now and get it over with.

Like a band-aid you used to say. Just rip and deal with the pain.

2009-08-18T09:44:00.000-05:00

Get Out of my Head.

Nothing good can come of this.

I just didn't realize you would bounce back so quickly and try to get another girl into your bed.

Did I really mean that little to you? Just another notch on your brand new bedpost.

Played again...

2009-08-18T09:38:00.003-05:00

Its days like today that I wish I was still with you.

I just need somebody to talk to who knows my situation and what I have been going through. I don't want to describe the situation to somebody else. Only you could understand what just happened to me, and why it is such a bad thing.

2009-08-17T17:17:00.002-05:00

Wanted: Man
Status: PFT (Permanent Full Time)

Independent female requires an emotionally, psychologically and physically mature male for full time relationship.

The successful candidate will have a minimum of one long-term relationship experience with a maximum of two long-term relationships. Excellent communication skills and listening skills are a requirement for the job, as is the ability to provide financially towards the relationship. The position requires excellent interpersonal skills, the ability to convey complex ideas in clear, simple language and the confidence and maturity to establish the individual as the expert on respect and honesty. The successful candidate will be able to demonstrate a successful track record of friendship and must know the difference between monogamy and cheating.

QUALIFICATIONS
· Current employment in an honourable and reputable job.
· Must have personal and professional goals and the means to attain them.
· Experience working in a similar capacity
· Must be over six foot.
· Broad shoulders considered an asset.
· Must provide own transportation.
· Able to have an argument without yelling or cursing. Also must be able to listen effectively while being able to voice their own opinion in an effective manor.
· Excellent communications skills
· Must enjoy date nights and weekends away.
· Must enjoy spending time with family and have respectful friends.
· Excellent organizational and time management skills

Traveling: 40%

We thank all applicants, however, only those selected for an interview will be contacted. We are an equal opportunity partner.

2009-08-13T09:39:00.002-05:00

Sometimes the stupidity of men shock and amaze me.

I met this guy in the summer before I started university. He was friends with my friend Sara's boyfriend Mark. He also lived in Waterloo. We started talking about Waterloo because I was moving there for school in a matter of weeks. He never mentioned a girlfriend, though he did mention that he owned his own house right down the street from the school- walking distance even.

Surprisingly, a week after moving to school I get a call from Mark saying he was coming to Waterloo to party with Cat (the guy I had met) and Dos (his roommate who was also at the bonfire that night). He said I should come. Being new in town, and knowing that this guy had turned on the charm a couple weeks before, I said sure and got their address. I showed up and I was the only girl there. Alright cool, just me and the boys. We ended up drinking on their back deck and heading down to The Wax/The Still for the night. We were retarded drunk. There was seven of us, me and six guys. Retarded drunk. Within an hour, five of us had "disappeared" from the group, only to be found on the side of the road, kicked out of the bar later on, with the exception of one.

When I was kicked out of the bar, the other one person I was with left with me and we went on a search to find the guys. We didn't have to look too far. They were singing on the street corner being the hilarious drunken fools they are. But, we lost Mark.

Ah well, he's a big boy, he'll find his way back. We jumped in a cab and went back to Cat and Dos' house only to find three boxes of Pizza, and Mark passed out in the middle of the living room. Sweet! Food!

Everybody passed out pretty quickly and Cat and I went out to the front porch to talk. Well talking turned into something else. Yep, right there, on the front porch. Classy, I know.

But then he told me I would have to sleep in the living room. I was a bit ticked off, but I was drunk and tired so I said whatever. I was woken up very early and put in a cab and was sent back to my dorm room, just in time to see the entire building out front to receive their refrigerators. Awesome!

So, five years later I get a friend request from somebody named Chris. I don't recognize their name, but we have two friends in common. Mark and Sara. hmm... could it be? No way... oh YES WAY! He found me. But guess what? He's MARRIED... with a kid.

I dig a little deeper, oh yeah, he had a gf when we first met, the same girl he is married to. And after talking with Sara I discover that he owned his house, yes the house I was in, with his girlfriend. EVEN MORE... the reason I couldn't come upstairs to sleep... yeah she was in his bed waiting for him. WOW the nerve of this guy.

Even more.. he proposed a couple weeks after.

I wonder if she knows? Now wouldn't that be interesting.

I guess the moral of the story is, it is okay to be a slutty first year University student, but it's not okay to cheat on your girlfriend. Especially when she is upstairs waiting for you.

Oh, and apparently I make guys get married. Not to me, of course, but to their girlfriends. So ladies, if you want your men to propose, introduce them to me. I'm not the slutty first year anymore but I guess I make them realize what they have at home and will pop the question in a hurry. I guess that's why I am not even close to getting proposed to... not that I want it now anyways.

2009-08-12T09:44:00.003-05:00

My mom sent this to me this morning. I feel that it resinates to me more than ever before. I want to remember these tips.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone for everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.."

2009-08-11T17:58:00.003-05:00

My Secrets

I sleep all the time.
I regret what happened between us and if I could go back 4 years and do it again, I would.
Sometimes I think about all the men in my past and I am ashamed. I was reckless and searching for love.
I don't walk my dog nearly as far as I should.
I say a prayer every night before I go to bed asking for health, family and happiness.
I hate doing laundry
Every time I drive down my street and see my garage, I get disappointed when your car isn't there.
I need the beach. I need to see the sunset on the boardwalk.
I day dream constantly.
I always think there is somebody better than me out there.
I constantly feel like I am being lead on.
Some of my most favourite memories include crying.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a normal relationship. I am unable to trust men.
I enjoy silence for small amounts of time. No more than one hour though please.
I like being busy. It makes me feel wanted and needed.
I can't stand rude people.
I feel like I always need to prove myself
I constantly need reassurance that I am loved and wanted.
I miss the phone calls, msn messages and random run-ins from my care-free days.
I miss my grandma and my Nannie so much. I only wish to make an impression on somebody like they did on me.
I MISS YOU

2009-08-11T17:40:00.003-05:00

Life is so funny. Reading back on my old blogs I confessed my undying love for one guy, and a heartbreak over another. But throughout it all, I never remember feeling like this.

I believe everybody comes into your life for a reason. And with every person, you make a decision, either you chose to let them continue to be in your life, or you don't.

Would I be a different person if I never went to the bar that night and ran into Eric again? What if my parents moved to the other side of town and I went to a different high school? Maybe. Would I be a different person if I put a little bit more effort into the various casual relationships I've had throughout the years? What if one turned into a relationship? Would I be a different person? What if I put my heart on the line continuously? Would I be a more closed off, negative person? Who knows..

It's funny how one person can change who you are. It is the experiences, the emotions, the laughter, and the stories. It is what you learn from that person through their wisdom or through life lessons.

I like who I am now. I feel like I have enough experience in a relationship to understand how to make it work. I feel like I've been hurt enough, more than enough, to appreciate something good whenever it comes along. I am not naive. I understand the world. I've lived on my own for five years. I've learned to cook for myself and to take care of myself. I've learned to budget my money and how to spend it wisely.

I've learned that when you find something good, you hold on to it.

What I have yet to learn is how to let go. Maybe this life experience will show me the way to let go. As I said, everything happens for a reason. This is just another lesson to learn.

2009-08-11T17:29:00.002-05:00

I don't like change. I like regularity, I like a schedule. I like making plans. I find something comforting in normalcy.

I am a creature of habit.

This personality trait will be great when I'm older and more established. For now, it is my worst enemy. Nothing in my life is solid. Everything is trying to go with the flow. It is the unknown that scares me, and the unknown is all I know. I'm terrified.

Some people thrive on flying by the seat of their pants, some people crash and burn. I'm on fire.

Life is like a stack of domino's, as soon as one thing falls into place, they all fall into place. I just need that initial push aka a job offer. Job offer comes salary, which determines rent, which also depends on location of job. Once rent and location of job is determined then I can find an apartment, organize moving dates and time, find help to move and get my life in order. God Damn somebody give me a push!

2009-08-11T08:31:00.002-05:00

I love writing.

I'm not that great at it, but I love it. I love going back through my old blogs and remembering things I had forgotten. I love reliving those moments, happy and painful because it reminds me of everything I have gone through and that I am a stronger person for it.

It is in these stories that I am 100% honest. I write what I am thinking, feeling and questioning. Everything that is jumbled up in my head I write about to try and make sense of it.

Sometimes I write because I know others are reading, sometimes I write just for me. This post is for one special person.

I want to know how long I can go without talking to you. Yes, I thinking about you constantly and sitting down at my desk today and seeing your picture caught me off guard. This is a new feeling for me. One that I haven't had in 6 years. Being alone, and being unsure.

I think I deserve some answers. After everything we've been through, we deserve to be honest with each other at least once. It might hurt, but love comes with pain, and happiness comes with saddness.

Was there anybody else? I feel like there was, and that feeling hasn't gone away.
Why did you treat me like a secondary part of your life?
Are you really trying to make yourself better? Or is this just an easy way out?
Were you just using me?
Do you want to be with me?
Should I hold out hope that we may work out in the future, or should I shut that door?
Will I ever see you again?

I'm finding it very hard to believe that you want to do this to work on yourself. You are a very selfish person and excuses like this, in the past, have been a cover-up of something else. It's not that I don't believe you, but my instinct is telling me to question it based on your past actions.

I am begging you for the 100% honest answers. Please do not tailor the answer for me, just give it to me straight. It might hurt, but it might be the push I need to move on. Right now I'm stuck in limbo and I need a push in one direction or another. Please...

2009-08-10T16:51:00.002-05:00

I just let you go.

The tears are still coming down my face but the weight crushing my chest is gone. I just let you go.

I can't help any more. I'm emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.

But I want nothing more than to be curled up next to you.

The brain is a cruel thing. It's telling me "Kelly, stop. You deserve to be treated like a princess. You deserve somebody who wants you." And it's telling me, "You can't be comfortable without him. Man, wouldn't it be nice to be laying in his bed beside him? It's only an hour away....."

These thoughts are taunting me. Will you show up on Thursday? Will you ever show up? Will I ever see you again? Can I live a good and happy life if I'm not with you? Can I live and good and happy life with you? Will you ever be the man I know you are? Will you ever be the man I dream of?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions and it's driving me insane. I tired to talk to you tonight to see where your head was. But that didn't go well. So again, I'm left with no answers, BUT.. I let you go.

We've broken up and made up too many times to count.

If I stop talking to you now, three months from now, will you still want me? A year from now? Will you still be trying to work towards being the man you can be? Or will somebody else come along who says, no it's okay, you are perfect the way you are? And you forget all about me. Have you been putting on an act this whole time and the man you really are is somebody who enjoys the company of multiple ladies and who loves to flirt non-stop? Have I been holding you back from being happy?

I don't even know if you want a life with me. I don't know if you have it in your head that you will try and get me back when you are better. I don't know what you want. I think that is the most frusterating part. If I knew you were not running forward to make yourself better so you can treat me right, then it would be easier to give up all hope and move on.

But I still have hope. This is the most fucked up part. I still have hope.

I guess I'm left with these lyrics from one of my favourite song...

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

Love you forever and ever.. Eye... heart... U

2009-08-10T09:00:00.002-05:00

I feel like something inside me has died. I'm completly numb.

I'm foolishly hoping this is all a dream and that I'll wake up happy again. I want it to work. I've tried so damn hard to make it work.

Why can't you just be a good person? What you do, and what you say affects me, negativly and positively because I'm supposed to be your other half. The woman you love. What is so hard to understand about that?

I feel like a failure because it didn't work. I would give anything to make it right again. I just can't picture me, without you.

2009-08-10T06:28:00.003-05:00

Wow...

I am in shock.

I never thought you would be so stupid to lie to me knowing that it would end our relationship. Knowing that within a matter of weeks I would know the truth. Why did you waste my time if you knew it was going to end anyways? You wanted it to end.. it was all a lie.

I feel so foolish because I believed that you loved me. I believed that you weren't just using me. I believed that you were trying to build a life with me.

I'm most disappointed in myself because I should have known better. I should have gotten out over a year ago and I would be happy now. No more tears, no more wondering "what if."

I had a dream last night that you showed up. I couldn't decide if I wanted to hug you or slam the door in your face. Either way, I cried. Right now I'm not sure what I want. I want you to show up here, with flowers professing your love for me. I want you to tell me how stupid and childish you were and how much you regret hurting me. I want you to tell me you are willing to spent however long it takes to make it up to me and to actually mean it and follow through with it. But I know that will never happen. 1, because you are too lazy to think about doing something like that. 2, because I'm not sure you regret what you did and maybe it was your way of getting out of something you weren't happy in anymore. And 3, that type of thing only happens in the movies, not to girls like me.

Maybe I have unrealistic expectations. All I want is somebody who I love, who loves me back. Somebody who is going to treat me special and who enjoys being around me as much as I enjoy being around him. I want somebody who WANTS to tell me everything that is going on in their life and who doesn't intentionally deceive and lie to me.

2009-08-09T17:47:00.002-05:00

I feel so foolish.

I feel like I've been played. I should have got out a year ago but something told me to stay. I'm cursing myself for allowing him to put me through this again. I've never felt so alone and so out of control.

How could I have trusted him? When he had no respect for my feelings. How could I have been so blind to get weak-kneed every time he promised he was telling the truth and every time he told he me loved me.

I can't believe I almost wasted 2 of the best years of my life on somebody who didn't respect me. Somebody who so willingly hurt me, continuously. I've had enough, cried enough and spent enough hours curled up in a ball wishing the pain to end.

Today I will be sad. I'll give myself today. But tomorrow, I will not let him affect me any more.

Thank you for making me more driven to succeed. Thank you for teaching me the value of honesty. Thank you for all of the wonderful memories, and thank you for the worst moments of my life. I now know that I can survive through it and that I am a stronger person because of it.

I hope that your next girlfriend isn't as smart or observant as I am. I hope that she rolls with the punches and is too high to care about the truth or honesty. I hope that she's just like you, so maybe she will understand better when you lie to her. I hope she doesn't challenge you on the things you say because I could see how frustrating it was for you. I hope that she is everything that would make you happy.

Enjoy the house that I helped you make. I hope that when you look around your house you don't see me in the art work, the rug, coffee table, candles, mirrors, the kitchen table or even know I organized your sock drawer. I hope you only see you in the painting we did and I hope that when you need some help, your friends will step up to the plate like I did. I hope that you don't lay down in bed and smell my pillow and wish that I was there with you. I hope you are okay with what you have done because I don't want us both to regret what has just happened.

2009-08-09T14:00:00.002-05:00

I want to be surprised.

I don't feel like I'm important enough for somebody to make a fuss over. Yet I still have these dreams of being ambushed with a weekend away or some extremely personal gift for my birthday that would make people jealous and make me smile every day.

I can't say I want to be surprised because then somebody would feel the need to surprise me. I want to be surprised because somebody waned to see the look on my face when they showed up, or when I walked in the room or anything like that. Surprises are so much better when they come out of nowhere.

2009-08-09T13:40:00.002-05:00

I remember that first night. I called you out. You were constantly giving me a hard time about not hanging out, but you canceled our first date because you were "not feeling well" which turns out to mean that you were too lazy.

I was getting ready for bed. I sat down at my computer after a long conversation with a good friend about why I was not happy in my previous relationship with Dave and we discussed exactly what I was looking for. I decided to take a chance. You were ragging on me for not hanging out so I told you that you had 10 min to get over or else your shot was over. To my surprise, you came.

It was so awkward at first. I had never really had a conversation with you in person. The only thing I remember of you at first was you trying to impress me at work by telling me how high/drunk you were. Little did you know, that turned me off even more. I figured I would have you over, then you would realize how different our lives were and you would leave it be.

I turned on a movie and went to bed. You watched the movie and I fell asleep. I was woken up by you spooning me and touching me. I figured I would humor you. I figured you were with many girls, and you were just another guy looking for some pussy. Well, I was right about that one.

I felt your breath on my neck and before I could tell you to stop, it was too late. I rolled over and you rolled on top of me. My heart was beating like crazy. I miss that feeling. You were trying to go slow with me and you were being very sweet. Just laying on top of me kissing me. Not going any further until I wanted to.

I had never felt so small, fragile and innocent than I did with you. I felt like you cared. I don't know if that was your act or if you actually did, but I had never sensed that connection with somebody before that night.

We had sex.. I started to shake and you were so sweet. You told me to flip over so you could rub my back. You layed half on top of me so that I could feel your heart beating. You whispered in my ear that it was okay. You had me at that. I knew I needed to be with you.

You arms were so big and so strong. Like no matter what, I couldn't move, even if I wanted to. I just wish I could go back to that time ever since. To have you seduce me, to hold me like you never want to let me go. To make me feel like I'm the only thing you are thinking about.

But maybe that's the joy of the first time. It's something that can never be recreated. And maybe that is what I have been searching for. But if that is a first time thing, then I'll never find that with him again.

I want a crystal ball which shows me what my future will look for. Am I wasting my time trying to make it work? Should I be going out and meeting new people? Should I be having more first times before I settle down? Just give me a sign. Then maybe I won't feel so alone.

2009-07-27T21:10:00.002-05:00

What do the TV shows, Pregnant at 16 and the Bachelorette have in common?

Yes, I am watching them at the same time. And yes, that will never be me. Thankfully, I made it out of my teenage years baby-free. Unlike some of the girls I grew up with, I was lucky- not smart, but lucky. It could have easily been me. Imagine what my life would be like if I was pregnant at 16, 17, 23...? I'd have to move home. I couldn't support myself. I would never have been able to rely or depend on any guy I've dated to take care of me or a child. Wow... living at home.. with my parents.. and a crying child. If I had got pregnant at 16, I would have a six year old right now. Wow..

Hopefully I'll find the person I want to spend my life with before I'm in my 30's and won't have to rely on a show like the Bachelorette to find Love.

I spent yesterday afternoon catching up with some girls I had met years ago. They are Angela's friends, but I've met them through my crazy party days. I was ambushed. The question of the hour was.... How did you find out? How did you find out that our friend was in a relationship with your boyfriend? How did you feel? What did you do? How are you now?

I spent hours fielding questions from three very curious girls wanting to know every inch of the worst moments of my life. I wonder if they will now go to Jenn and tell her how she destroyed my life. I wonder if they will tell her all the pain I'm still suffering through, and I wonder if she will feel better because of it. Lucky her.. she got out before she was in too deep.

I'm trying to put that whole situation behind me. I feel like I know two different people. The person he is with me, and the person who has hurt me. I can't wrap my head around the fact that somebody I love so much and somebody who treats me so good, can easily hurt me so much. It's like, is he even real? What is the real him- because you can't be both. You can't be sweet, loving and caring AND mean, selfish and manipulative. So which one is it? If I knew, this whole process might be a bit easier for me.

-------------------------------------------------------------

You told me you don't want to speak to me by text unless it is important. And you've proven that you don't want to speak to me on the phone unless we are fighting. Skype has been out of the question for months. So all we have left is e-mails. And that is usually for making arrangements or discussing decorations for his house. So thats what our relationship has come to.. a business relationship. No passion, no caring. During the week anyways.

But maybe this is a good thing. If I'm not talking to him during the week, maybe I'll stop thinking about him all the time. And if he just fades into the background, then maybe I'll know if he's really what I want. Right now, it's all I have. And it has become routine. Maybe I need to break that routine to figure my head out.

2009-07-22T19:32:00.002-05:00

I'm so proud of myself. I've been taking major steps to make myself happier. Every day becomes easier. I've vowed to do what I feel is right, whenever I want.

I've also decided to lay off and see who really means the most to me. I want to see if I am missed. I'm done always trying to keep in contact with everybody. Leaving messages, facebook. msn, text, voicemail... I'm always the one to initiate first contact. Lets see what happens when I stop.

I guess this is just a social experiment.

2009-07-21T21:03:00.002-05:00

I cried on my way home from work today.

I must have looked silly sitting in stop and go traffic with tears streaming down my face. I felt like the weight of the world was sitting on my chest and I needed to do something to get it out. Crying was the only thing I could think of.

My intentions are always good. I know I'm not as smart or as quick as some other people. And often I become envious when I hear an articulate person speak. I can only wish to be smart enough to put those words together in a sentence and have it actually make sense. That just means I have to work harder. But in times like this, where only the best survive, I have to wonder... am I the best? Or will I be another statistic I read about every morning? In one month, will I be packing up my life, again, and moving to my parents? I guess the next three weeks will give me the answer.

I'm done. I'm done worrying about it. I spent a total of four hours reading job postings and changing my resume and cover letter to reflect what each job is looking for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not done looking, nor am I done thinking positively, I'm just done worrying about it. Whatever is right for Kelly will come along, even if it means spending a couple weeks or months working in my parent's warehouse for rent money.

Whatever will be, will be. C'est la vie.

I also cried because my birthday is coming up. I'm usually happy but this year I'm just curious. My family has intentionally planned another celebration on my birthday and I keep having flashes of that day. I keep seeing everybody in the backyard, and nobody has said happy birthday. I'm left to wonder, am I selfish for wanting some attention on my birthday? Should I just stand aside and go along with the family's plans? Do I even have a right to be upset if that entire day passes and nobody has acknowledged it?

How will my Dad make this day about him? How will he divert the attention from the celebrations, or from me? He managed to ruin my Christmas, it's only natural that he attempt to ruin every joyous celebration for me.

I've spent hours combing through websites trying to find the best deals, the hottest new artists etc. I came to the realization today, why the hell am I spending so much of my time trying to outfit a home that will never be my own? It doesn`t make any sense to me. I spend hours upon hours searching and e-mailing for that perfect table, or the perfect rug, or the perfect art. But that stuff will never be mine. He isn`t ready for that step, and to be honest, I`m not either. I like coming home to a quiet house. I like my clothes smelling like fresh laundry and my candles. I like knowing where everything is and having things that make me happy around me.

I can tell you how the next couple months are going to play out. He`s going to see how great I am and realize how so very close he came to losing me. One of three things will happen, I will get a job in KW, a job in Toronto or be forced to move home to Barrie. If I move to Barrie, that will be the final nail in the coffin. He won`t come visit me, and I will run out of money very quickly. It would only be a matter of time before that falls apart, again.

If I find a job in Toronto, I either chose to live in the GTA and commute in, or I live close to my office, probably downtown. That too will be a nail in the coffin. Downtown is a bitch to get into on a weekday and he`s already complaining about the drivers on the way to my house now, which I think is extremely accessible.

I find a job in KW. This could be great, or this could be horrible. We`ve been apart for almost a year now. We don`t even talk every night. I can only imagine what would happen if we were constantly available to each other. It could be great, but when the time comes when the newness has moved out, his best friend would have been living with his girlfriend for a couple months and I can only predict that that relationship is going to end badly. He will get scared. He will see what some girls are like when they are pushed too far and he will push away from me, like he does every time he gets scared.

So what do I see in the future.. a 25% chance that it will work out alright. That's a pretty dismal number.

I don`t know where his head is at. Sometimes I feel like he`s just riding along until somebody better comes along who might be easier, or new. Sometimes I feel like he only wants to be with me and nobody else. And sometimes I feel like he`s unsure of what is going on.

So I`m stuck trying to figure out if it is worth it to pursue these jobs in KW. Should I risk moving back and having it all fall apart... or should I risk staying in the city and having a 100% chance it will fall apart. I just don`t know.

2009-07-11T22:16:00.002-05:00

How to get over cheating.

After much research I've seemed to discovered the key to getting over your lover having an affair. Every website I've read said that you will feel angry, upset and sad. check, check, check. I have those down pat!

There have been a couple major themes that have emerged.

1. If both parties want to work on their relationship, then you must work through the issues of WHY your partner cheated on you to begin with. Talking it through can be painful, but it can also be empowering because it offers the jaded partner control in an uncontrollable situation. Both parties must be brutally honest or else this exercise is pointless.

2. The partner who cheated must be more forthcoming with information in the interm. If you want to gain your partner's trust back, you can't allow him/her to ask questions. Be more open with information than you have ever been. Your partner will feel like you are making a difference to change and to ensure that they can put their trust in you again.

3. Do not lie. Don't lie to yourself. If you cheated because you are unhappy in your relationship, then end it. Don't string along your partner. Do not lie to your partner about anything. They are trying to work past the biggest bombshell in their life and you need to be understanding. You cannot lie about anything- that will only lead to more problems and your infidelity will be brought up again and again. Remember- you are lucky your partner wants to work through this with you. Don't mess it up.

4. Go on Dates. Do the things you did when you first met. Remember why you fell in love with each other to begin with. By recreating that bond, your partner will eventually relax and allow themselves to heal.

5. Most of all- remember you did this to them. Every person is different and your partner might get angry easily, they might become depressed or they might pull away from you. Be patient. They have committed to staying with you. They could have easily left you but they didn't. You've done this to them. You can help them through it. It will only make you stronger in the end.

2009-07-11T11:48:00.003-05:00

I need to get the negative out. One self-help website suggested writing everything out. Since I tend to do that anyways, I figured I'd take their suggestions and write all the negative things out, then the neutral followed by the positive. Because you should always end on a positive. So here I go.

Negative

-Weed. It's not that he smokes it, it's that he picks it over me sometimes. He sometimes chooses to get high when I'm with him knowing that the smell makes me sick. He chooses to invite his friends over when I'm there knowing that when they come over, all they do is sit around, smoke weed and play video games. He only has one or two days a week with me, and when he chooses to spend the one evening he gets with me by inviting friends over and smoking weed, he's choosing to ignore me. If I lived closer, it wouldn't be as big of a deal I don't think. Because we would have more opportunities to see each other. But it is so angering to drive in rush hour traffic to go see him, and 10 minutes after I arrive, his buddies show up, or sometimes they are there already. And I know where this night is headed. I would think that he would want to spend the evening with me knowing that I took the time to drive down to see him, knowing that we had plans to see each other. It's not like I ever show up out of the blue. It's always planned. It makes me feel like he's only seeing me to appease me and that he really doesn't want to see me. It makes me feel like weed, video games and his friends are so much more important than I am and that I really am only around to keep him entertained when those three aren't appealing anymore.

- Girls. I don't get it. I love him so much. I was always in contact with him. I always told him how much I loved him. Why would he need to go elsewhere to get that affirmation? Why would he need to create two plenty of fish accounts, spend hours on facebook and msn, when all he had to do was look at me, looking at him to know he was loved and wanted. The one instance that stands out in my mind the most is in the winter when I was visiting, I slept in and he had my laptop in the living room. I came out and I guess when I was sleeping, he was on my laptop, on his facebook, talking to Megan and Ashley about getting together to fuck. I was in his bed, he was looking after my dog and was using my computer... and he didn't feel guilty. It was that day that he first told me I was psycho. But I wasn't. I had every reason to be suspicious and angry. I also had every reason to walk out that door and never look back. It's instances like that, that make me nervous every time I see him on the computer. Because I know he can be so sneaky and it doesn't phase him. He could be in the deepest sex talk of his life and turn to me and say, I love you baby. I think what hurt the most, is that these woman weren't good looking. A lot of them were very overweight and some even had children. They were desprate and I think he took advantage of that. They were looking for somebody to love them, and he was looking for them to want him. They were using him, and he was using them... and I end up heartbroken.

-Distance. The first half of our relationship wasn't much of a relationship at all. It didn't progress normally. I felt like I was always the one pushing it and he couldn't really care less if I stopped talking to him. I felt like I was the only one carrying it and he just went along for the ride. Then I think he started to develop feelings for me. I moved away almost a year into our relationship, but it was more like the first couple months. How can a relationship survive that? I was always suspicious and I had every right to be. He had been unfaithful emotionally, physicially and mentally. I don't want to be the other woman. I want to be THE woman you think about. THE woman you want to talk to. Not a plethora of faceless woman on the internet. The distance made it very difficult because the daily pleasures of being in a relationship were removed. The visits during lunch breaks, or movie nights, or late night sneaks into eachothers bedrooms. Boys/Girls night out ending with being with eachother. Dinners and long talks on the phone. It was all removed. Everything that keeps a relationship strong was suddenly gone. Was it slefish of me to move? Yes. Did I make the right decision? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I don't want to spend every hour of every day with another person.. but I do want to see him more than once a week. My dream- Wake up in the morning beside you. Get ready for work. Kiss you good-bye. Spend the entire day at work. Come home, walk my dog. Have dinner ready on the table for you. You come over, we spend an hour together eating and talking about our days. Maybe one night you bring over a movie to watch, maybe another night you go a friends house to watch the game or go out to the bar and I spend the night curled up in a huge comfy chair and a soft blanket and read a really good book with a glass of wine. I really don't want to spend all this time with you. But I do want some time. The problem with distance is, you don't have the option of returning to your own home every night. To make the trip worth while, you have to spend the night, and the next day. And then you're forced into spending hours upon hours with somebody and that always leads to a fight.

- The lack of communication. I would much rather spend one hour on the phone with him than spend 8 hours texting back and forth. I feel so much more connected to him when I am speaking with him because I know when there are distractions. Texting is an afterthought motion. It gets pushed aside when other things are going on and often questions or conversations end up not being answered for hours. I could say everything I wanted to say to him in 20 minutes, rather than 8 hours.

- Lying. I hate it and it needs to stop. I realize I'm not perfect, but I am no where near as bad as he is. Lying about where you are, what you're doing and who you are with dosn't get you any further ahead. I usually find out and yeah, when you say that I would react in the same way, you're probably right. But why complicate it even more with a lie? And, if I'm going to get upset, should you really be doing what you're doing in the first place?

Neutral

-His friends. They are great, and they are not so great. They are great people. They are there for him in their own ways. They keep him occupied and happy. The majority of them have been very welcoming of me. He spends a lot of time with them so that must account for something. On the flip side, they have no boundaries. I can't count the times I've been laying naked in his bed when one of his friends walks into his house and knocks on his bedroom door. And I can't count how many times he left me in his bed to go smoke with them. It was like I wasn't just dating him, I was dating Tom, Jay, Alex, Steve and Dan all at once. Finding some alone time was like pulling teeth. It was always painful. As well, they would never stop him if he wanted to cheat on me. They would probably high-five him afterwards as well.

- His parents. They don't know what he's done so they think I'm some crazy bitch who flips out at nothing. But I guarantee his Mom could understand me if she knew. His Dad would shake his head and call him an idiot, but I think he would get it too. But he would never tell them. I always felt like they were judging me. I always had to watch what I said, how I dressed, what I did. I don't know why I felt that way. He could show up in an old t-shirt and sweat pants and I'd be wearing jeans and a t-shirt and I'd get the look- Like I looked like a bum or something.

Positive

- There are these rare moments when he forgets everything and acts like a complete goofball with me. It's an honest moment where we just go for it and laugh and laugh and laugh together. Its when we're not trying to impress each other or anybody else. It's dancing in the shower, or at a wedding. It's swinging our hands when we walk. It's rubbing our noses together.

- He knows my secrets. He knows my fears, my dreams, my aspirations. He knows my past. He has these huge shoulders that were amazing to cry into. Those huge hands that made me feel so small and protected. In my most trying times, I remember positive things because of the way he held me when I was upset.

-It's the Tom I knew when I got him away from his friends, when he was sober. It's the dinner at the church, the road trips to weddings, especially the one in Wallaceburg, it's the hotel downtown Toronto and our late night adventure for orange juice and candy. It's the hug I got as soon as the elevator doors closed. It's the kiss good-bye.

2009-07-10T16:26:00.003-05:00

I came home to a little surprise. A little creme envelope with my name on it waiting by my door. I recognized that handwriting. I ripped it open and started to read.

Hi Sunshine,

Was sitting here thinking about you today and just wanted to let you know how special you are! Dad and I counted each day awaiting your arrival and talked of many dreams for you. You have matched and exceeded all of our expectations. You are smart, beautiful, empathetic and kind. I know that God has great plans for you. The yellow brick road is right in front of you... one step at a time.

Love you always- you know that we are here for you!

Love, Mom and Dad.

Mom always knows what to say to make me feel better. And surprisingly, she always knows just the right time.

After my experience with the psychic, I was visibly shaken. My Mom heard what she had to say to me and Mom knew who she was talking about.

After I read this I reached for my phone to call you to tell you about the wonderful card I got and how much better I feel. I stopped, put the phone down and grabbed my computer instead.

I'm an open person. I want everybody to know about every great thing that happens to me. But I can't do that with you anymore. I know you read this once in a while, so maybe this is my way of staying connected to you, without actually calling you. I think that is a great way. I can get out what I want to say, and I know eventually, sooner or later, you will read it and understand. This gives me my freedom as well. I'm not used to it and I can feel my mind fighting me.

Just grab the phone Kelly... just do it.

I can do this. I'm going to try and treat this like a game. Right now, I can't go a minute without you passing through my mind. But lets see if I can get to two minutes. Eventually an hour, maybe two? Then a day. It will get easier.... I'm counting on it.

In the meantime, at least one person is thinking about me :)

2009-07-10T06:18:00.003-05:00

I need to be mad at all of you for a little while.

I need to yell and scream and cry and get out every negative thought that has been bundled up inside me for the past 9 years.

They all cheated:
Nav - ex gf

Nick - best friend for our entire relationship

Rod - my friend

Matt - Random girl from the bar

Eric - ex gf

Dave - ex gf

Tom - ex gf's best friend among other things.

Every single one of them.

It is very unfortunate that men feel the need to cheat. I've heard that once they fall in love, the need goes away. But us females, we need to work through the cheating and the lies in order to get to the love. It's a catch 22.

I need to make you love me so you will stop cheating on me. I find out you cheat and it rips me up inside. But I still need to make you love me so I move on more quickly than I should have. And now look where I'm at. Single, alone, miserable.

If I had said, Fuck You when I heard her name, and taken my time to deal with it last March, then I would be 100% fine right now. I would probably have another boyfriend who lives in Toronto and be living a happy life. I wouldn't have all these negative memories and I wouldn't be aware that a man can be so cruel. I wouldn't know what Plenty of Fish is, I wouldn't know how easily facebook chat can turn into a porn site. I wouldn't know half of the ways men cheat. Instead, I chose to wave it off and bottle it in.

Looking at that list above, I see a trend. It is obvious that ex gf's cannot be trusted. They pull on the heartstrings and remind the men of all of the great times they had together. It's not cheating if you already slept together, right? WRONG.

So, what have I learned in this post? I'm choosing the wrong men. If each and every one of them can so freely sleep with, and have a relationship with other women, then they are so wrong for me.

From this point forward, my man must:

-Treat me with respect, which includes staying away from situations where they might be tempted to cheat.

- Be honest with me. Tell me what is going on in their lives and leave no room for suspicion. Tell me if a situation happened that I might find out about and tell me your side first, before I find out somebody else's side. Nobody is perfect- but it is communication that saves relationships.

- Live close to me. I'm not doing the long distance thing. It's too stressful and I miss out of every day relationship stuff. A relationship is so different when you can have dinner together and talk about your day, and then each go on your way to hang out with friends or get a good nights sleep opposed to being by yourself and hoping for a text message here or there, or if you're lucky, a phone call.

- Love my dog. He should want to take her for a walk or watch her for a night. She's as much a part of me as I am.

- Love my family. He should want to spend time with them. And in turn, my family should love him.

- Be close to his parents. You can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother. If he shows her respect, honestly and loyalty, then he's going to show that to me as well.

- Have goals. He should be going somewhere with his life. He should know where he wants to be in 5, 10, 15 years and should have a plan on how to get there.

- Love my neurotic friends. They love me, and that's all that matters.

- Be supportive of me, and be interested in my career.

I'm making changes in my life. And although I feel like a small child all alone, every moment I can feel me getting stronger. It's the 10 pounds and the 16 inches I've lost in the past two weeks. It's applying for jobs every day. It's being strong enough to say no, not any more.

None of you can hurt me anymore. I've said enough. And to my next boyfriend: Please don't underestimate me. I will not- WILL NOT- deal with cheating, lying or disrespect. I will walk away from you and not look back. I've been burned seven times. I think that's enough for one life time.

2009-07-09T08:49:00.002-05:00

Last night was the slap in the face I needed.

It wasn't the unlimited desserts being passed around, or the booze, or the 150 women on a boat at sunset. It was the psychic.

I sat down with her and she smiled at me and looked at me funny. She handed me a deck of Tarot cards and asked me to think of one question that she can answer in a 'yes' or 'no' and to shuffle the cards. I was debating between two questions- one, will I find a successful job for September. And the next- Did I do the right thing with him. I finally decided on the career question.

I hand her the cards and she does her thing with them and turns up three cards. I have no idea what they mean but she begins to study them. She suddenly snaps her head up and says "you asked me two questions. The answer to both questions is no, not yet." She begin to describe me to a T. She said I focus on the past and it's affecting my future. I tend to dwell on the negative and ignore the positive. She said something that shook me so hard. "You cannot be happy unless you let go of the past." One I let go of the past and the negativity, then positive things will flow into my life. But that can only happen once I rid myself of the negative. She said I'm on a path, but I must work hard to stay on that path. My destiny is easily changed. She said that I need to put more work into both things for either of them to work out the way I would like them to. She said I need to work on me and figure out what really makes me happy and follow that.

She told me that I have a guide that watches over me. She was the first to go and that she sees an 'N' and a 'S'. It's nice to know that Nannie is looking over me and helping to keep me safe.

I guess what this means is that I have some work to do.

I have to figure out what makes me really happy. I believe this is a warning about PR. I'm two months in an I'm shaking already. These past two weeks have been brutal- but I feel like this is real.

I have to decide if he makes me happy. I need to forget about his wants and needs for a minute and really figure out if he makes me happy. If the answer is no, then I know what I have to do. If the answer is yes, then I need to factor in his wants and needs and see if they are compatible with mine. Once that is done, I need to ask him if he wants me. If his answer is no, then everything happens for a reason and I need to accept that. I feel like I have been doing this backwards for a while and I need to make it right.

I've decided already that I'm done being paranoid. If you are going to cheat on me, go for it. That is not a reflection on me, it is a reflection on you. I'd rather you do it now, so I can figure out what kind of person you really are. I do not want to be with somebody who has no moral compass. I will not cheat. Period. My life is stressful enough, I cannot deal with more stress added on by my own will. I cannot deal with the guilt, and anybody who knows me well knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't hide something like that anymore. Life is too short to deceive the person you love.

If you want to lie to me, go for it. I will find out eventually and all hell will break loose. I cannot be with somebody I cannot trust. And I cannot trust you if you lie to me. -- you know whats worse? Lying to me about girls. The reason people lie is so that the other person doesn't find out. If you are hiding girls, then that equals BIG problems. You cannot be with me if you lie to me, especially about other girls.

If you don't want to see me for a week or two weeks, then fine, don't bother spending the time and money to come see me- or please do not ask me to come down and ignore me. Money is very tight and I could have used that $20 for food instead of not eating all week. I'll know that you aren't that into me and if you can bear to spend that much time apart, then it's not right at all. I want to come home to you every night and I want to wake up beside you every morning. I know that's what I want. And I know how I feel. If you want less than that, then you feel less than I do. I deserve somebody who loves me as much as I love them.

I am a strong and beautiful woman. I deserve somebody who is going to treat me right, who loves me and wants to be with me. I'm done being in the grey zone. Make your choice. Be with me, all of me and only me, or go on your way. I'm not playing this game anymore. The game is making me miserable.

2009-07-08T06:32:00.003-05:00

The memories will stay with me forever. They will fade, and one day you will become a great love story I tell my children.

I can't sit here and pretend like I'm not falling apart. I'm ripping at the seams. But I know that I have to do this in order to be put together again. Our conversations keep playing in my head like an old record. Flashes of being happy invade my thoughts and make the tears come faster.

He wasn't the person I thought he was. For a short time, he was that person. But I could see it on his face that he was unhappy. I could always tell when something was going wrong in his life because he would try to push me away. Every time he stopped going to classes, stopped writing tests or had been with another girls, he would become a recluse and shut himself off. I would get angry and demand to know why. It would always start a fight, and always end in a break up.

The constant up and downs of his mood affected me. When we met, I had just finished a battle with depression. I was changing my life. Trying to be a happier person because I wanted to be happy again. I tried to fake it until I made it. And it worked. I attracted many people to me through my happiness and then I genually became happy again.

Am I controlling? Yes. Why? Because thats the only way I know to get the truth.

I used to be laid back and hope that was enough. Every guy wants a laid back girlfriend that rolls with the punches. My problem was that I chose the guys who had no problem cheating on their laid back girlfriends. Having my heart broken three times over cheating boyfriends turned me into the opposite. Controlling. How can he cheat on me if I know everything? How can he lie to me if he knows I'm watching?

Well I guess that backfired.

Now my question.... where can I find a genuine man, who does not cheat, and does not lie, and has the patience to help me understand that he's different? Sounds like a lot to ask for.

Maybe one day all of my love stories will end when the story becomes a reality. Until that day.. I'll try to put the pieces together again.

2009-07-07T17:42:00.002-05:00

"I love you with all of my heart.

I miss everything about you.

You are the reason I smile every day."

2009-07-07T16:05:00.002-05:00

** Side Note: This is a very inappropriate time to release this but I figured if I didn't do it now, I never would**

There's nothing like waking up and before you open my eyes, I can smell it. That warm musky sent he leaves behind on my pillows. Knowing that he is next to me before I greet the world for the day is the ultimate way to begin any day. Knowing that he was here yesterday and his smell is still with me brings an instant smile.

It's the small things- the touch on my back as I walk through a door. The sound he makes when he sees Lexie again. The subtle feeling of him smelling my hair when we hug. The quick brush of his hand across my face to move my hair.

I feel my arms wrapping around his body and suddenly I'm home. His arms around my shoulders. Our bodies fitting perfectly together. He squeezes me tightly and I turn my head to smell his neck. My head resting on his large shoulders. How can I not trust him when I'm settled in my special place. His hands move up and down my back because he knows I like it. His lips touch my head and place a small kiss on me. All these small things learned over time. I run my hands up and down his spine and wait for him to pull away. For these few seconds, I feel like I'm the only one there.

It's the big things- The hug after a long day of waiting. The smiles. The planning of our future. Our history together. Knowing that no matter what, he'll always be there for me in one way or another. The memories. His family. Knowing that for once, I'm able to be me- the good and the bad.

I woke up early and didn't want to wake you so I layed there not moving. I propped myself up my my arm and looked at you. You were facing me, just inches away. The sunlight was coming through your window and it was illuminating the back of your head so it looked like you had a halo. Your face was relaxed and you had a slight smile on your face. You groaned slightly and the smile got bigger. You hugged your pillow tighter. I couldn't help but smile and wonder what you were dreaming about. Suddenly your eyes cracked open and caught me staring. You had a huge smile on your face and your arm reached out for me and motioned for me to turn over. I rolled over and snuggled closed to you. I felt your entire body wrap around me- safe in my spot. You moaned in my ear and said "good morning." I knew that was it. That very instant.

Things I do know- He lays on his side when he sleeps. He looks like a child sleeping, curled around his 'Kelly' pillow. He's a different person with me than he is with anybody else. He has a soft spot for dogs. His eyes change colour in the sun, or when he is really happy. He is a very proud person, and sometimes it gets him into trouble. He values his friends and his father more than anybody in the world. I've never seen somebody so devoted to his father and vice versa. His favourite clothes in the winter are his black track pants from high school, a t-shirt, his Texas sweater or his black zip up. In summer, it's black basketball shorts with a t-shirt. He loves stripes on his shirts. He can be the sweetest person I've ever met if he wants to be. He is stubborn. If you are luckily enough to catch his attention for long enough, you can have some of the most insightful and honest conversations. He's charming, and he knows it. He is brilliant. He makes me feel like nobody ever has.

He makes me smile, he makes me cry, he makes me feel like I can do anything. He doesn't understand how fragile I am and he doesn't understand that every action has a reaction. He doesn't understand that I depend on him because I've entangled him into my life so much that he is as much a part of me, as I am. I need his approval, I need his opinion. I need him with me.

This past 8 months or so have been so testing to me. I've never been in a long distance relationship and I never realized the lengths that some people go to, just to see their other half. I've spent more time than normal or necessary debating life and what I want out of it. I've also spent just as much time thinking about all of the bad things he's done. That is why I created a pro/con list. In the hopes that writing them down will get it out of my head and I could concentrate on something else. I've spent hours attempting to do something but keeping my ears perked to my front door with my fingers and toes crossed that he would show up to surprise me because he just had to see me. Foolishness- I know.

I used to fight with him just to see if he still cares. Lately our fights have just come on their own and I can see him pulling back. I'm not sure if he's unwilling to fight back, or just does not care anymore. It scares me because I don't know what I would do if we were to fall apart. He's my confidante, my support system, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend. He's the person I think about first thing in the morning and the last person I think about before I go to bed. And who am I kidding, he's the person I think about every spare minute of my day. He's the person I want to wake up beside every day. And the person I want to fall asleep beside. He's the person I want to call and I want to hear his voice. He's the person I want beside me when I take the biggest steps of my life. But I don't think he wants that anymore. So I'm in a waiting game to see who will snap first, him or me.

So what do I want? I want my Tom back. I want the Tom calls me to say hi. I want the Tom that asks me how my day was, and is really interested in what I did. I want the Tom that is vulnerable around me because it is only in those moments when I am absolutely sure that he loves me and he is telling me the truth. I want the Tom that holds my hand in public and shows me off to the world. I want to be naive again. I want to believe everything he says. I want to pretend like I'm the only one he's kissed since October 25th, 2007 and the only one he's promised these things to.

I want to be happy with him, and I want him to be happy with me.

2009-06-21T10:33:00.002-05:00

I've been conflicted lately. I'm trying to remain truthful to myself while figuring out what I really want. I feel an overwhelming urge to write it all out and hopefully make some send of the pieces I throw out there.

I feel that I need to write about something I've come to find as extremely important in anybody's life. Something that I recently did not think about until it was thrown in my face: Respect.

There is a serious lack of respect evident in today's society. Lack of respect for others, and especially lack of respect for oneself.

Cheating- The ultimate showing of no respect. In January 2008 I chose to respect somebody, before they chose to respect me. I chose to negate all of my former conquests or "special friends" or whatever you want to call them. I chose to limit contact with some people I talked to on a daily basis. I chose to ignore late night texts and knocks on my door. I chose to respect somebody.

I got to the point where I was older, I was facing major life changes and I wanted somebody alongside me to hold my hand, and rub my back and pick me up when I fell down. I wanted somebody in my corner, cheering for me the entire way. I wanted somebody to share my life with- every aspect of it. I thought I had found that person and I was willing to let everything go to show this person that I was there for them in the same way I wanted them to be there for me.

I think, once you chose to open yourself up to Love, then you should respect the boundaries put in place. If you chose to commit to somebody, body mind and spirit, then that commitment should be honoured until the MUTUAL decision is made to break the bond. This is really the only way to be happy in a relationship. Mutual respect. It is not a game of "lets see how many other people I can talk to and fuck before she notices." That's not a fun game. That's an extremely hurtful and degrading game.

Cheating shows a lack of security, a lack of respect and immaturity. It screams "I'm going to do what I want regardless of what I've promised to you." It's the ultimate act of selfishness. To all those cheaters: every kiss on his or her skin, is a kiss good-bye to your happiness with the person YOU chose to be in a relationship with. Every touch, hug or caress is a wave good-bye to your partner that you committed yourself to. And those 5 minutes of pleasure you received will be reversed and multiply by 100 when your significant other finds out about your infidelity.

So, is it worth it? I don't think so. The guilt itself is enough to drive a sane person crazy. Let alone admitting any wrong doing to the person you love the most and watching the pain shoot across their face and seeing their instincts take over as they crawl into a ball to protect their heart. To see the tears streak down their face at the realization that you touched her the same way you touched me. And that obviously our relationship didn't mean as much to you as it did to me.

The 5 minutes of pleasure, the 48 hours of her in your house and in your bed. The multiple messages on MSN and facebook and text. The year of deception. Was it worth it? Not to me. But that's up to you to decide. Unfortunately you didn't think about me when you made that decision. You didn't think about how every thrust is like a stab in my heart, every word rips my world a part. You only thought about yourself- your pleasure, your moment with her, the sense of being wanted with every woman who responded "yes" when you asked to fuck. Not your pleasure or moments with me, not me saying yes, you have me 100%, body mind and spirit.

Unfortunately it takes an experience like this to create a shield over my heart. And believe me, it's a strong shield. An unnecessary shield. If you were just honest, straightforward, and a good person, then the pain I've been suffering for the past year and 3 months would have never occurred. And maybe I could be happy again.

Respect. Most important for happiness.

2009-06-18T20:22:00.002-05:00

Finally! Somebody makes sense of nonsense!!!

What You Say, What She Hears

"Your friend is really nice."
What she hears: "I'm interested in her, and I'm wondering if she'd sleep with me."
Why she hears it: Men aren't known for random compliments, so she might be jealous of the attention you're suddenly giving to her friend.
What you should have said: If you are going to compliment her female friends, be specific (reference a particular conversation you had) and try to qualify your statements (read: she seemed nice enough) to avoid looking like you're interested.

"He's whipped!"
What she hears: "I've lost another friend to the relationship curse; women really know how to shut a guy down, but I vow never to give up my independence like that."
Why she hears it: If you mention your friend has changed since getting into a relationship -- and not for the better, according to you -- she'll assume that you feel relationships are negative and that you don't want to be in one.
What you should have said: If a relationship really has changed a friend, be careful to note whether the change is because of her (such as demanding hourly check-ins and regular gifts) or because of him (read: he's so crazy about her he blows off poker night to spend time with her). It really makes a difference.

"I'm really busy."
What she hears: "I'm really too busy… For you."
Why she hears it: Women hear this and will immediately notice that you still have time for basketball with the guys, golf on Sundays and plenty of other non-vital activities, which leads her to believe that your lack of time is only related to her.
What you should have said: If you aren't saying this as an precursor to a breakup, you need to make sure that your girlfriend isn't left feeling like she's getting the scraps of your spare time. Make dates with her in advance when you can, and make sure you keep them.

"Who's that guy?"
What she hears: "Has he ever seen you naked?"
Why she hears it: Questions like this often feel territorial; she may feel like you've already made up your mind regardless of her actual response, and she could object to your possessive insinuation. Not every man she speaks to has slept with her, or wants to sleep with her, regardless of what you might think.
What you should have said: Don't mention her male friends and acquaintances first. Wait until she brings them up and fills you in on the details. If you run into another guy on the street with her, and she doesn't introduce you, then you should feel free to seek out the particulars.

"I'm just going out with the guys."
What she hears: "We are going to see strippers and I will likely be talking to the guys about our relationship."
Why she hears it: Just as men like to believe that when women get together it always ends in underwear and pillow fights, women assume that men-only nights will involve nudity and girlfriend trashing.
What you should have said: Even though it feels like checking in, let her know where you're really going and don't divulge any of the things said on your night out; if you relay info about a pal's woman, she'll wonder what you say about her when she's not around. Just be honest with her, but don't feel like you're checking in with mom either.

"She's just a friend!"
What she hears: "She won't sleep with me…Yet."
Why she hears it: A lot of women don't believe that men and women can be platonic in a long-term "friendship," and feel that no man would strike up a new friendship with a woman unless he is attracted to her.
What you should have said: If she really is just a friend, introduce her to your girlfriend!!!!!!!!!! This will let your woman see that you've set boundaries by announcing your relationship status, and she'll feel better having met the woman who spends time alone with her man.

"Your smile is so gorgeous." (Or another unsolicited compliment)
What she hears: "I feel guilty about something and I am trying to distract you."
Why she hears it: After the initial stages of dating, compliments tend to dwindle; out-of-the-blue comments are going to have her wondering what you are trying to make up for. And if you're not the kind of guy to throw around "I love yous" and flattering comments, don't start suddenly or she'll be wary of your intentions.
What you should have said: Either compliment her consistently to avoid looking suspicious or talk to her about the real problem you were hoping to avoid -- you know she'll find out eventually anyway.

"This reminds me of my mom's [food/object]."
What she hears: "I am comparing you to my mother, as I always do."
Why she hears it: Women are naturally competitive in a lot of areas, and pleasing you is probably one of them. Unfortunately, she knows she can't compete with the woman who raised you, and by constantly bringing up the fact that you're comparing her to your mother will only make the situation worse.
What you should have said: No one will advise you to stop talking about your mother, but be sure to avoid comparing her to your girlfriend -- at all costs.

"Just phoning to say hi."
What she hears: "I'm checking up on you."
Why she hears it: For her entire life, she's probably felt that getting a man to call is like pulling teeth. So, for you to randomly call without a specific intent will have her thinking that a checkup is the only possible explanation.
What you should have said: Always have a reason for calling. Even if it's something small and pointless, having a point to the conversation helps diffuse the checkup vibe -- even if that really was your intention.

"I love spending time with you."
What she hears: "I'm not ready to say I love you."
Why she hears it: Because you aren't assigning your love to her in particular, but rather something about her or your relationship, she'll get the impression that you are avoiding taking the plunge. Try not to use the word "love" to describe something in your relationship unless it's followed by "I" and ends with "you."
What you should have said: Never tell her you love her if you don't actually mean it, but don't overuse this type of phrase or you'll come off sounding insincere or commitment phobic.

"It's just going to be family."
What she hears: "I don't consider you part of my family."
Why she hears it: Women are more likely than men to include close friends and partners in their definition of family. By not asking her along to family events, she doesn't feel important or permanent in your life. She wants to feel like she's a part of every aspect of your life, and your family is a major part of who you are. By excluding her she'll feel like you're pushing her aside.
What you should have said: Invite her when the situation calls for it, or don't mention that you'll be going without her. If it's really a case of you not wanting her there because you'd rather she didn't see your family drama firsthand, rather than being embarrassed by your choice of woman, let her know. At least make the effort to invite her along, regardless, so she can make her own decision about attending your family gathering.

"It got late, so I didn't call."
What she hears: "By the time I remembered..."
Why she hears it: Even though you think mentioning that you didn't want to wake her by calling late is a good thing, it just lets her know that there was a huge expanse of time where she was the last thing on your mind. She wants to know that she's the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about at night before you drift off to sleep. She may also interpret your missed call as too much distraction on your end, at the end of the night… like having another woman in your bed.

"I think [female celeb] is gorgeous."
What she hears: "That is my standard..."
Why she hears it: Women often develop and stick with a certain "type," and assume that men are the same. If you find a thin blond attractive, she's going to find it difficult to believe you could have the same attraction for a curvaceous brunette.
What you should have said: If you feel the need to point it out, either compliment all types of women that represent more than one type of beauty or pick out ones that have similar characteristics as your girlfriend. Saying you like Kate Beckinsale's eyes because they look a lot like hers is sure to make her swoon and give you free reign to ogle Katie.

2009-05-31T15:09:00.002-05:00

Summer Check List

- Vist Ontario Place and watch the fireworks
- Spend a beautiful summer day at Canada's Wonderland.
- Go camping
- Spend a weekend at my cottage.
- Go to a drive-in
- Visit the ROM
- Spend a day at the Toronto Zoo
- Go to a Jays game
- Stand on the glass floor of the CN tower
- Visit the St. Lawrence Market
- Go for a picnic
- Watch the sunrise
- Visit somewhere unexpected
- Go skydiving
- Learn something new
- Sit on a patio and get hammered
- Go to Marine Land
- Find a Job!

2009-05-31T14:31:00.003-05:00

Everybody seems to be happy. Content with their lives. Most importantly, they seem to be content with somebody else sharing their lives. I feel behind the pack. At one point I was happy, I was so sure of myself and of him. I knew that it was only a matter of time before he grew up and realized that he never wanted to let me go.

Little did I know, my friends would surpass me in the romantic department. Like a silent race to see who could get who to commit first. I'm sad to say, but I've 100%, hands down, lost that race. Once I was in first place. The envy in my friends faces was enjoyable to me. Their comments about him made me smile.

Now I'm faced with phone calls from ecstatic friends who want to share- no rub in my face- that he asked her to move in with him; he bought a house and is renovating it for them; they are spending a week in a secluded condo on the South Carolina beach for the week; that he lives in the states, but he still calls her every night, if only for a minute, just to say good night; they went ring shopping.

Yes I can sense that the time is near when I'll be getting countless wedding invitations in the mail, all saying Kelly +1. Next comes the baby showers, the house warming parties and the engagement parties. Yes, its getting to that time in life that every single girl despises.

How is it that all these girls- girls I'm not much different from- How is it that they found emotionally mature guys to sit them down and say, I want to build a life with you, one step at a time. How do you find somebody like that. I want stability, I want normalcy. My life hasn't been normal in years. I want repitition. I want a schedule.

Brittany went to a bonfire last night with the guy she has been dating for a couple months. All of his friends, and their girlfriends were there. They all knew her name and her story. All of them. Isn't this how it is suppose to be?

You like somebody- you spend time with that person- you like them more- you commit to them. Then aren't you suppose to tell your friends that you've met this amazing girl and that you really like her? Aren't you then suppose to go to your parents and tell them about this wonderful girl that has stolen your heart? Show her off as much as you can? Put her picture on your facebook profile so that you see her every day? Your msn profile? You should be proud of the person you are with, and you should want people to know- This is MY girl. It's so difficult giving your heart to somebody and they hide you.

It shouldn't come as a surprise to your closest friends, the ones you spend 80% of your free time with, that you've been seeing a girl for 5 months. It shouldn't come as a surprise to your parents that they find out that you are in love, 8 months after you first called her your girlfriend.

My friends got it right. I got it so so wrong. And look where it's put us. They are picking out floor tile at Home Depot, or laying on a beach holding hands... I'm sitting here alone, hoping you'll change your mind and say "screw the game." My hope is fruitless. I know you won't. You were too happy when I said stay home. How can I expect you to come here and enjoy yourself when I know your mind will be someplace else? Someplace not with me. What you don't understand is that, the one night a week I get with you, I replay every night before I go to sleep. Just so I forget that I'm alone. I've gotten so good at it that I can feel your arms around me sometimes.
The last thing I want for the rest of the week is to think about a disappointing night. So I sit here and wait. Wait for the next moment of your time that you give to me. Wait like a little puppy dog waits for her master to come home. Hopeful, staring at the door and patient.

2009-05-19T18:54:00.004-05:00

I forgot all about you. Your face used to pop into my mind on a daily basis. Now I can't remember the last time I said your name. You no longer consumed my thoughts and frustrations. I used to day dream about your daily life like I was a fly on the wall... always wondering what you were doing, who you were with and if you were happy.

That familiar, yet foreign number popped up on my call id and I stopped for a minute. I know this number... how do I know this number? I let it go to voicemail. It took me five hours before I worked up the courage to check my messages.

"Hi Kel....
It's Nick.. but I guess you know that already.
umm... I just wanted to say whats up.. see how you are doing..
umm... I uhhh... I just wanted to hear your voice.
Hope you are doin well... call me if you want.. same number..."

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!

You killed me.. you single handily set me up for failure with every future relationship. And now you feel like you can just pop back into my life?

How was I so blind? She was right under my nose the entire time. The stolen glances, the innocent touches.. I should have seen. I promised myself I would never be that stupid again. But I was stupid again. Old habits die hard?

You have this negative hold on me. Your voice makes my face screw up like I just smelt a dead body, my heart beats faster and I have problems breathing. You're like a ghost that sneaks up on you and scares you. I'm fighting back the tears because I remember that day so clearly. The feeling of doom, like a dark cloud is consuming you and you can't get out. A heavy weight on your chest that is crushing your bones.

It's crazy how 4 words can screw up your life.

Melissa's
Pregnant.
It's
Mine.

Those 4 simple words changed who I was. I realized how dumb I was. My trust was shattered. My faith in males to remain faithful was demolished. That tightness in my chest, that panic, hasn't faded with time. The feeling remains strong when I think about that awful day.

Your selfishness destroyed what I value the most. My happiness. And it hasn't stopped. It is still, to this day, destroying my happiness. I can't trust. It is impossible. I've been trying not to let my past affect my future, but how can somebody really bounce back from that shock and betrayal from such a young age. It's like a beaten dog... they never really recover.

I just want you to go away. Leave me alone. Erase yourself from my memory. I need you to leave me alone.. forget my name.

2009-05-16T00:16:00.002-05:00

I sit. Feeling the warmth embrace me.
I listen to the faint sounds of the traffic passing. Of the world settling down.
I see the steam rise above me and the clouds blocking the stars from shining.

I'm searching for something that is beyond my reach.

2009-05-11T20:01:00.002-05:00

There comes a time when I start longing for some things.
I feel like a deprived child crying out for my favourite toy. My favourite toy you ask? Sand and big rocks, water and a sunset.

This is manditory for me at least twice a year. Thats really the only way I can keep my sanity. I'm hoping I can escape for a weekend or two up to the cottage or at least visit Wasaga for a night.

The most romantic thing I could ever think of is sitting back to front on the rocky beach on the other side of the harbour at my cottage, listening to the waves crash on the beach and watching the beautiful sunsets that Port Elgin always promises. It's always been a dream, but never a reality. Maybe someday soon!

2009-05-10T15:50:00.002-05:00

I don't trust myself.

I don't trust myself enough to tell you how I really feel. I know you read these so I'm offering you an opportunity to delve into my mind.

I'm hurt. I'm hurt because I don't think you wanted a girlfriend for a very long time. I think you did everything you could to appear single but still have your girlfriend time on the weekends. I'm hurt because I think that you tried to have 2 separate lives. I'm hurt because your friends knew about your outside activities but never told you what you were doing was wrong. I'm hurt because you were thinking about other women when you were with me. I saw the "hey sexy" messages on facebook chat when I was laying in your bed. I saw you change your attitude when I came into the room.

I had never been faithful in a relationship. Never until I met you. I hated the way it felt talking to my boyfriend and knowing that I was with somebody else. The guilt always tore me up inside. I made a promise to myself that no matter what, I would never make myself feel that way again. I was offered sex, but I always turned them down. Sometimes gracefully, sometimes angrily. I stayed away from places that might get me in trouble- going to the Turret alone, football parties. I made my friends be my bodyguards. They all agreed to not let any man near me that might cause me problems. And more times than I could count, my friends pulled me in a different direction when they saw certain guys coming towards me. I always tried to keep on contact with you by text whenever I went out to the bar without you to prove that I was thinking about you. I wanted you to have no doubt whatsoever that I was 100% yours.

I don't understand why you couldn't just have me. Why was there always somebody else? Did you not think that I would ever find out? I'm really not that dumb. What was it that made me not enough?

I honestly believe that we would have never had any problems if, when we both agreed to be faithful to each other, we both actually held up that promise. If I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that you were faithful to me, I wouldn't be so suspicious and so demanding. I wouldn't question half of the things I do. If any questions did come up, we would have been able to work it out together instead of the screaming matches we have now.

I don't know how to fix me. I feel like shattered glass. I'm so scattered and broken, I don't know where to start to put me back together again. I can't even think about being in a relationship with you because you broke our trust. There is no way I'll be able to live an hour away, and only see you one or two days a week and be confident that when you are away, you are being good to me.

I want to believe. OH GOD I WANT TO BELIEVE!!!!! I want to believe more than anything that things are different. That you will come to me and say, "Kelly, I love you. I know I made mistakes but I'm willing to take the time to help you and to fix things. I want you to yell at me and to talk about whatever you want to because I understand that is the only way you can begin to heal." I want you to make a commitment to me and honour that commitment. I want you to Love me the way you have been for the past couple months.

I understand that it's me that is making the mistakes now. But I'm making mistakes because I'm trying to pick up the pieces again. Whenever I hear your name beside another girls name my chest gets tight and I panic. I ask you about it which angers you. My heart skips a beat. My fists clench and I fight back the tears.

How do I forget? How can I move on? I'm hurting myself more because I'm pushing you away but I can't stop the panic I feel. I've put myself on the line and I'm in too far.

I need you. I need you beside me in every sense of the word. I want you- every aspect of you.
I am so damn proud of you because I know that what you are going through is not easy. It can't be easy to change your entire life. If you are really, truly committed to making the changes you told me you were, you are going to be a fantastic man.

I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore. I will not be happy, but I understand that you are not happy anymore. But I've attempted to forgive you for many things and I can only hope that you see that and try to return the favor. But please... please if you are not happy, don't lead me on anymore. I've cried enough and I want the crying to stop. It needs to stop. I need to be happy again.

Here is my innermost thoughts. Take it or leave it....

2009-05-10T10:24:00.002-05:00

Changes:

It's that minute every morning when everything is okay.
It's that realization that you're not with me.
It's that one tear every morning because I don't know anymore.
I wish it was easy.

I don't know how you feel anymore. I'm left in limbo. So unsure of myself and unsure of you.
It's that silent phone beside me. Once constantly blinking red, now lays dormant.

I was so happy, and so blind. I cared, but not enough to ruin my perfect relationship.
I knew... I knew all along but I put it aside. I was so dumb. I should have walked away that day when I saw her in your window. I should have saved myself the months of heartache.
I'm glad I didn't. The memories I have from that day to today have made me happier than I've ever been. I'm sad I didn't.

The most frustrating thing is being so committed to you. I changed who I was because I wanted it to work. I feel like every time I turned my back the relationship ended until the next time I saw you. I was the only one who respected the vulnerability of our bond. I guess of my bond to you.

You were a mass of contradictions. I never thought that somebody could be so cold... but so warm at the same time. You looked me in the eyes, told me you love me and watched me go home, then walk to your computer and tell another woman how bad you want them. It's heartbreaking.

How can one person be so in love, and the other only be half?

I never thought this would be how my first real relationship would work out. I had every girls fantasy that you find your prince charming, you both fall in love at the same time. You have this magical first kiss with fireworks and you promise each other the world. I didn't anticipate the daily tears, the insecurity, and the lack of trust.

I want:
To be secure with myself and my boyfriend.
People to stop interfering with my relationship.
To trust my boyfriend and in turn, have him trust me.
To KNOW that I'm the only one he wants.
To have somebody to come home to, but not spend every moment with.
Somebody who loves me and understands me.
Somebody who has the same goals and values I do.
To be spoiled.

2009-05-09T21:40:00.002-05:00

Summer Check List

- Vist Ontario Place and watch the fireworks
- Spend a beautiful summer day at Canada's Wonderland.
- Go camping
- Spend a weekend at my cottage.
- Go to a drive-in
- Visit the ROM
- Spend a day at the Toronto Zoo
- Go to a Jays game
- Stand on the glass floor of the CN tower
- See Luminato
- Visit the St. Lawrence Market
- Go for a picnic
- Watch the sunrise
- Visit somewhere unexpected
- Go skydiving
- Learn something new
- Sit on a patio and get hammered

2009-05-09T07:47:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning uneasy. Unsure of why the pit of my stomach was twisted up into a knot. I had to try hard to get out of bed, get dressed and take Lexie outside.
I walked out the doors into a haze of warm rain and it suddenly dawned on me. Where did we go wrong?

I've tried just about everything I can to make it work, but none of it is working. I thought I had found the perfect recipe this week- Think happy thoughts, flirt a lot, don't spend a lot of time talking, encourage him, and make plans. Guess what, I was happy this week. I smiled every time my phone rang around 7pm because I knew exactly who it was. I loved picking up the phone and hearing "hey sexy lady" or something along that line. It made me feel wanted! I loved hearing the happiness in his voice because I knew he was enjoying it as well. I love the early morning "have a good day at work" messages. It just put a positive light on every day.

It's not like I want to change who I am, I just want to tweak it to be with somebody else. Everybody is independent and self absorbed because for the majority of their life, they have been concerned with only themself. It is a test to be with somebody else because you learn a lot about your self. The science isn't always perfect and it constantly requires tweaking.

I guess I'm just not relationship material yet. I do not want to be without him. But I can't continue to hurt him and myself like this.

I have a huge problem forgiving. But I don't feel like I should have to just yet considering I am still finding the truth out.

Every time he lies to me, the wound is ripped open again. It's so hard to try and get over something when you are reminded of it all the time. I don't understand the lies because he understands how it hurts me, but he still insists on lying. I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like I'm in this alone. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Something needs to change.

2009-05-03T22:01:00.002-05:00

I miss you.
I miss the way you smell.
I miss our talks.
I miss laughing about everything and nothing at the same time.
I miss the way you made me feel special.
I miss being excited on Mondays because it was only 4 days before I got to see you again.
I miss waking up and having a day planned with you.
I miss your parents.
I miss knowing that I had a movie buddie no matter what.
I miss getting off the 401 and knowing that there was 12 minutes left before I drove up to your building.
I miss getting so annoyed with the traffic because they weren't moving fast enough.
I miss knowing that I had plans on holidays no matter what. May 2-4 is coming up and I'm so anxious.
I miss being a part of something bigger than just myself.

I'm more alone than ever. I'm emotionally fucked. I feel like I'm on a rollercoster every day. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad. Sometimes I just don't care. I want to care....

I don't miss questioning everything.
Wondering if something better was going to steal your attention away.
Competing with your friends, video games or weed.

I'm waiting.. I'm ready. Come get me.

2009-05-03T21:41:00.002-05:00

I've spent the large majority of tonight reading my old blog posts and reliving my past experiences. I realized that if I didn't know me, I would think that my life is pretty horrible based solely on those posts. I write when I'm upset, angry or confused. I don't write when I'm happy.
If you look down through the posts you will notice a huge break in time when I did not post at all. I was happy. I was so happy I had nothing to complain about.
___________________________________________

I am in the midst of a major life overhaul. I am terrified. I'm sitting here shaking just thinking about it. I start my new job tomorrow. This isn't just any job. This job I have been working towards for 5 years. This is a career. Well, a shot at a career anyways. What might my day hold for me tomorrow? Will I make it through?

I bought my first car. My name on the lease, my name on the insurance. It's all mine. I always thought I would feel something different when I buy my first car... but I don't. I'm not really excited about it. I'm just blah. I guess I'm excited that I don't have to walk everywhere!

I broke up with the love of my life. I'm devistated. I cry everynight.
It's for the best.... I guess if I keep saying that then it will become true. I just can't deal anymore. It's tearing me up inside and I'm so conflicted but I hate the fighting and I hate the distance. I'm so ready to have somebody to come home to. To have somebody there every time I need them.
It's weird when you find somebody that you are so perfect with. But you know that if you were 2 or 3 years older, things would be so much better. I have no doubt that everything would be close to perfect if I only met you 2 years from now. Timing is everything.

Fingers crossed that it all works out!

2009-04-21T14:14:00.003-05:00

Everything Reminds me of you.
I have created so many memories than I can't tell where you stop and where I start again. This constant tug of war needs to stop. So I'm saying good-bye.

Good bye to the many nights and mornings we layed in bed together talking about the day and the future.
Good bye to the many dinners out with our families and our dinner dates alone.
Good bye to waking up with a missed message from the night before.
Good bye to ending a conversation with 'I love you'.
Good bye to the Valenties days that didn't mean anything.
Good bye to Christmases we had
Good bye to Cananda Day on the roof, to brithdays at the bar and to anniversary's
Good bye to Wedding dates and drives up and down the 401.
Good bye to walks with our dogs and afternoons at the dog park.
Good bye to nights in the hot tub and in the hotel.
Good bye to the many tears that controlled my life.
Good bye to our movie dates.
Good bye to everything that was good in our relationship.

2009-04-21T13:48:00.003-05:00

The Worst Kind of Man

The worst kind of man promises you the moon and the stars. He is senstive and caring. He brushes the hair off your face, he wipes the tears when you cry.

He has secrets that will hurt you. He reveals them little bits at a time. He makes it seem that he's got everything out and that you have no other surprises ahead of you. HE LIES. You get T-boned out of no where.

He is selfish. He cares only about his own happiness, and although he has said many times how much he cares about you, he lies. He is only concerned about what he needs to do to keep you happy and to get the attention of many different women. It's a slippery slope and I hope he falls off and kills himself.

He preaches "Treat others the way they treat you" and since you treat him like a God, you feel like you have nothing to worry about. WRONG!! He lies. You may be understanding, compassionate or trustworthy. He is deceitful, sneaky and a bad person.

He cheats on you. He spends weekends alone with other women. He calls you when she is in the next room. He texts you when she is right beside him. He visits you and then goes and picks her up. He has no regard for your feelings. He is the worst kind of man.

You can beat me, but the cuts and bruises will heal. You can tell me I'm a bad person, but I know deep down I am not. But to emotionally abuse somebody for a year, that is the worst kind of man.

I don't hope you learn your lesson. No I hope you fall in love again. I hope you fall in love with the worst kind of Woman. I hope she rips your heart out, just as you have done to me. I wish she shakes the foundation of your life. I wish she makes you question every relationship you've ever had and sets you up for failure in your next relationship. I wish she ruins your soul. I hope that after all of that, you then learn your lesson and are overcome with intense greif.

Fuck you for getting to me.
Fuck you for cheating on me.
Fuck you for making me believe I was important to you.
Fuck you for dragging it on for so long.
FUCK YOU you insensitive prick.

2008-09-13T21:45:00.002-05:00

I am here because you chose me.
I obeyed because I had to.
I left because you pushed me.
I succeeded to spite you.
I love him because he loves me.
He loves me despite you.
Get used to it.

2008-02-06T20:02:00.000-06:00

Life isn't suppose to make sense. I don't understand.

I've been searching and pushing for something that I don't even know I want. I've just been searching to be the best. I gave up this year. I was not happy last year. I decided that I will just let it be and see what happens.. whats the worst thing that could happen?

Well I can tell you that my entire life changed. I completed my university degree, I decided on a program for grad school and applied, I let myself be open to a relationship, and I'm happy.
But on those days when the snow is blowing and I'm sitting here alone, I really think... is this for real? I'm so proud of myself for choosing a path.. but is it the right one? What if I made a mistake? I don't know...

I don't know how to console myself when I get in these moods. Sometimes I wish I could fastforward a couple days-months-years just to see how it's going to end up. I need to know that I'll be okay.

As for him... I don't know what I'm doing. I've never heard so many people tell me that they are proud of me for allowing somebody to come into my life. I didn't realize I was that cynical. I was ruined a long time ago.. and it's taken 4 years for somebody to come and pick up the pieces. I just hope he understands how big this is for me. I'm terrified.

I'm sitting here and I can feel the tears in the back of my eyes. I'm not sure why they are there.. this is all so new and scary. I just hope and pray it works out for the best...

2007-11-22T14:01:00.000-06:00

I've changed.
I'm not afraid to admit it. I look the same, maybe a little bit older. I don't feel the same. I've accepted things about myself that I would have fought a year ago. I don't want to say I've grown up, but I'm well on my way. I'm facing my last semester of University. I've planed for my whole life, except for what happens next. I knew that after elementary school came high school. After high school came university, and I know after I graduate the pressure will be on to do something great- I just don't know what is great yet. I know that after this stage I will want to get married, buy a house, a dog and eventually have children. But it's this stage of in-between that I'm facing and am unsure of how to approach it. My options are endless. I want to travel. I want to get out and "find myself" or just find direction. Should I go teach overseas? Can I really be away from my family and friends for a full year? It breaks my heart to be 2 hours away; I wonder what it will feel like to be a day away. I guess I'll never know unless I try!

Friends have drifted and come closer, as with everything in life. I've slowly discovered who my true friends are, not just friends of convenience. I think the real test is if I actually really care what they are up to now. Some people, I don't really care, other's I'm sitting at the edge of my seat with anticipation.

I've decided that I'm too busy for a relationship. But I've also decided that I'm 100% for equal rights... so if a guy can do it, so can I. Some people may disagree with my actions, but frankly, I don't care. I'm too busy to care. I'm happy, I'm safe and I'm satisfied. And to me, that’s all that matters.

I've pushed myself past my limits, and I'm a better person. I've had heartbreaks and set backs, but I don't regret anything. I'm taking on more responsibility than is necessary, but what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger... I just hope it doesn’t kill me.